Baywatch (2017)

Matt (00:00:00):

Hey, this is Load Bearing Beams, the Summer of Rock, and this is our episode about Baywatch, the 2017 film starring Dwayne “The Rock Johnson” and Zac Efron. Now, if you are looking at the running time and you’re seeing that it’s nearly three hours, you might be thinking the very reasonable objection to the running time of this episode. How is there three hours worth of stuff to stay about Baywatch? Well, you might be surprised, but if you are not interested in seeing or listening to our long history segment where we go all over the history of Baywatch, the TV series, we go all over the history of the development of Baywatch, the movie, and then we take a really long look at the business career of the Rock. You can look at the episode description and it’ll give you a timestamp and you can just skip right to the movie discussion and hear me and Laci and our friend Caleb, making fun of the movie Baywatch.

Matt (00:02:39):

Hello and welcome to Load Bearing Beams. It’s the Summer of Rock.

Laci (00:02:43):

Reddit name. How cute. I’m nailing that.

Matt (00:02:51):

I think you got it. I’m Lieutenant Matt Stokes.

Laci (00:02:54):

And I’m Lieutenant Dan.

Matt (00:02:55):

Lieutenant

Laci (00:02:56):

Dan. And this is Load Bearing Beams.

Matt (00:02:59):

Yeah,

Laci (00:03:00):

Summer of Rock.

Matt (00:03:01):

Summer of Rock. But really we’re thinking of just pivoting to being a full-time Baywatch podcast

Laci (00:03:06):

Or just fron, honestly.

Matt (00:03:08):

Or just an fron podcast. So we can flip back and forth between the two

Laci (00:03:11):

Because he can flip. He can,

Matt (00:03:13):

Yeah,

Laci (00:03:14):

He’s got Extra abs.

Matt (00:03:16):

Caleb Hogan joining us.

Laci (00:03:17):

Hey, Caleb

Matt (00:03:18):

On the line. Welcome to the program, my friend.

Caleb (00:03:20):

Hello. Hello. I am back.

Matt (00:03:23):

You’re back after we triumphantly talked about that awkward moment starring Zach Efron.

Laci (00:03:29):

I almost called it. He’s not that into you. Is there any chance that movie’s like that movie, I heard it. It

Matt (00:03:33):

Sounds

Caleb (00:03:33):

Like it would be.

Laci (00:03:34):

I heard it’s similar to Love actually in that big stacked cast.

Caleb (00:03:38):

Yeah. He’s not anywhere close to that

Laci (00:03:42):

Moment. Big stack cast and every plot line is underdeveloped, which rings true.

Matt (00:03:47):

Sorry, but we’re covering the Zach Effron gamut I guess. But I think that when we had you on that episode, we were talking, okay, this movie Baywatch, which we watched and has sort of taken over our lives. So a couple things. So Caleb likes most movies, but I think I remember asking you, can you just think of a movie you don’t like? And I remember this being one of the ones you would point to as a movie you don’t like.

Caleb (00:04:15):

I did not like it. So I’ll never forget this came out at a time when the sort of television show movie Remakes were getting big. You had Starsky and Hutch a little bit earlier that was mildly successful, but 21 Jump Street really, really did well. And they thought, let’s mind television. So I was flying to, I think Sweden and I was like, I’m going to run through all of these movies. And so I watched Baywatch and Chips and I was like, poor, poor choice. Not a good decision.

Matt (00:04:49):

What was better?

Caleb (00:04:51):

I think Baywatch because Jack Efron is that dude he is, but I don’t remember much of Chips.

Matt (00:04:59):

I was reading some stuff that was written in 2017, and I did remember people expected Baywatch to be enormous.

Laci (00:05:08):

See, that’s the problem.

Matt (00:05:09):

And because of 21 Jump Street and because the Rock was so huge and Zach Efron was really big, and they’re like, well, we just assume this will be one of the biggest movies of the year. There was an Esquire article from 2017, why Baywatch will be the highest grossing movie of the year. And it was not.

Laci (00:05:26):

They flew to high to the hot guy’s son. I truly think this is a backlash of Americans being like, well, you are too fucking good looking. And then you just did this, so now we’re going to be pissy about it.

Matt (00:05:39):

You said it’s like America

Laci (00:05:40):

Has. They were all in their period.

Matt (00:05:42):

Okay,

Laci (00:05:42):

Yeah, yeah.

Matt (00:05:43):

And when you said it, it felt right.

Laci (00:05:44):

It felt because, yeah, I just started mine yesterday and I was feeling shitty about things that are fine, but I liked this movie and it’s the summer of the first Trump year presidency. Everyone was just feeling a little shitty and like, oh, that you need more aros. You want to do a little obstacle chord? Fuck y’all. This ain’t Baywatch. That’s what happened.

Matt (00:06:07):

But this is not a good move.

Laci (00:06:09):

It’s pretty fine.

Matt (00:06:11):

I understand why nobody liked it.

Caleb (00:06:14):

I have some very pointed thoughts when we get into that. Oh

Matt (00:06:17):

Yeah. So wait, so just to step back, so it was one of the few examples of a movie Caleb doesn’t like, and then you also said, you told us that story of you watching it on the plane to Sweden and that you said, but I don’t blame Zach Efron. I blame the Rock that The Rock reached a point in his career where he was like a hindrance to the movies he was in. And I couldn’t agree with you more. And we’ve been exploring it all summer long, however,

Laci (00:06:43):

I’ve been looking for it. Can’t find it. The guy’s a fucking delight.

Matt (00:06:46):

Yeah. Now we have this theme song that now I feel bad about. We’re way Too Mean to the Rock. We Were Wrong. No, he’s an issue in this movie.

Laci (00:06:54):

We should have made fun of his capitalistic mogul needs where we should have poked fun on his energy drink and his vodka, but his movies,

Matt (00:07:03):

No, I think that’s the meta text of the song is it’s all about, everything’s now all about reinforcing the brands. You got to have your terra amount of tequila in your movie and your Zoa energy drink in your movie.

Laci (00:07:17):

Okay, well, I haven’t seen that yet.

Matt (00:07:18):

And Baywatch was an example of him being like, I’m not going to play an unlikable character.

Laci (00:07:25):

Why would he need to? He’s playing Hasselhoff. Hasselhoff is likable.

Matt (00:07:28):

This movie calls for him to be a psychopath if they want to do the 21 Jump Street thing. No. Yes, no, it doesn’t. If they want this to be 21 Jump Street where sometimes the movie’s trying to be,

Laci (00:07:38):

They wanted it to be Baywatch.

Matt (00:07:40):

I don’t think so.

Laci (00:07:41):

I think after watching an episode of Baywatch, I’m now an expert on Baywatch. And I’m telling you that movie had the notes. These people totally think they’re doing the Lord’s work and they’re way out of

Matt (00:07:52):

Jurisdiction. We’re getting so ahead of ours.

Laci (00:07:55):

I think you have to play this earnestly.

Caleb (00:07:58):

Well, they didn’t play it earnestly or unserious. They struck him in. That

Matt (00:08:03):

Is exactly. No, that is exactly it. It is nowhere. This movie knows

Speaker 6 (00:08:08):

Whatever,

Matt (00:08:08):

Not what it is. And I blame the director, but I also blame the Rock and his capacity as producer. You get a big produced by Dwayne Johnson and Danny Garcia, his ex-wife and business manager.

Laci (00:08:18):

You always have to say that. And just because you get a producer title doesn’t mean you know how the fuck to produce something.

Matt (00:08:23):

No, he is the mogul. He is the auteur of this movie. And he took very tight control of his career.

Laci (00:08:30):

Did you see his

Matt (00:08:30):

Smile around this time?

Laci (00:08:31):

Did you see his beautiful smile?

Caleb (00:08:32):

Laci Fuck stops with him.

Matt (00:08:36):

Right, exactly.

Laci (00:08:37):

He has a Caleb level smile that’s just perfect.

Matt (00:08:42):

Caleb does have a very winning smile.

Laci (00:08:44):

Cable has a perfect smile.

Matt (00:08:47):

He’s smiling right now, but we just watched Pain In Game, which was he got a lot of critical praise for, but nobody liked that movie at the time. And I think he decided, I’m not doing that again. I’m not taking chances. I’m just going to play likable guys. And I watched part of 21 Jump Street last night, and that movie establishes right away. Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum are bad people and they’re bad police officers who shouldn’t be allowed to have guns in authority. But this movie doesn’t think that about Mitch. Well,

Laci (00:09:15):

Just because Tony on Jump Street does well and they want to mine nineties things to make something people are going to like, why do they have to act like that’s not the point? The point is to find a way to relive that time in a way that changes it just enough for it to be fresh and interesting to watch.

Matt (00:09:35):

But do you think that they

Laci (00:09:36):

Did that? No, I don’t. But I think that my expectations were so fucking low that once Zach Efron is on the screen, I’m like, keep talking.

Matt (00:09:46):

Caleb, what did you think this time around?

Caleb (00:09:48):

Okay, so here’s what I thought this time around. It’s not really a comedy. It wasn’t funny. It felt like it didn’t try to be funny. The rocks play. Yeah, it tried. It tried. Sometimes it tried. Some of us tried some of them.

Matt (00:10:03):

It tries sometimes. And it’s awkward when he

Caleb (00:10:05):

Tries. It’s awkward because you see him talking about they tried and set these stakes as serious when he’s like, this is a team. Lives are at stake here. People die. And it’s like in a true comedy, comedy, that kind of stuff is much later in the film you’ve earned or it’s just not there. So it’s a weird blend of drama, seriousness, and comedy that didn’t work again for me.

Laci (00:10:27):

Yeah. Well, so I remember Baywatch being very melodramatic and then watching the one episode I did, God damn, is it? But it almost feels like it knows it’s doing that and it’s kind of poking fun at itself, so it’s like it doesn’t go there. It doesn’t try to be a comedy. But Matt, you noticed that they were doing a fucking Casablanca spoof inside the episode we were watching. So it’s like it does seem to be kind of poking fun at itself. And this movie tried to make the quiet part loud, just it went too wacky. And I felt the whole time watching the movie that CJ was, her behavior was way out of fucking place. She’s just staring at someone’s dick asking if they want a foot long. What movie are you in? This is after Me Too sister. What are you doing? Preme too. 2016 was Me too.

Matt (00:11:18):

No, 2017. October, 2017. Well, this is why it happened. She’s looking at Dicks in the shower. This is ground zero.

Laci (00:11:25):

Well, but then not even one minute into my first episode of Baywatch and CJ walks into a team meeting where they’re all wearing official shit and there’s this fucking board and people writing things. He just slaps the ass of a man of a man that’s also a life card and everyone just laughs. Oh, cj.

Matt (00:11:43):

So really it was Fidelity. CJ is that woman Fidelity to the source material.

Laci (00:11:47):

Yes.

Matt (00:11:48):

I was impressed watching. I mean, I was watching the episode and I was like, boy, they really are taking a lot from the Yes, all the character names are the same

Laci (00:11:55):

And Hasselhoff is completely playing it straight. So sincere.

Matt (00:12:01):

Jim, sorry. Did you watch the show when you were a kid, Caleb? I

Caleb (00:12:04):

Mean a couple of episodes. I wasn’t a consistent watcher. What I don’t remember about the show, correct me if I’m wrong, do they actually solve crimes on the show? Are they Yeah, they do. Yes.

Laci (00:12:14):

They work hand in hand with a cop that wear short pants. He’s black. All that’s real.

Matt (00:12:18):

I think they are a unit of the police. I can’t really tell.

Laci (00:12:21):

Okay,

Matt (00:12:22):

Because he called, he is lieutenant and it’s like Lieutenant of what? But yeah, if you are an official law enforcement arm,

Laci (00:12:27):

The bay and they’re towers, there really is a watchtower one. And that’s just like the tower you see in the movie. But what they’re in a lot of the time is just the bigger circle that is also on the beach. And also it looks like a big version of the little ones. And that’s where he is got an office and that’s where people wear white shirts and badges a badge. Fucking Stephanie was wearing a badge,

Matt (00:12:53):

But yet Laci, you didn’t watch it as a kid.

Laci (00:12:55):

No, but I now feel like I did

Matt (00:12:59):

Watch it. I watched it a lot. And when I told Laci this, she’s like, oh, you were a sick little pervert. And I said, no, no, no. This was before. This was way before puberty.

Laci (00:13:08):

Before

Matt (00:13:09):

I was a pervert. I had no interest in women. I could not care less about the heaving boobs running on the beach. What I liked was snorkeling equipment, and I loved that The red things that they call that I now I now learned is called a rescue can. I was fascinated with that.

Laci (00:13:25):

And

Matt (00:13:25):

I think I just liked all the rescuing. I thought that was really neat and I was just obsessed with the ocean. And now we watched one episode of the show and I was like, yeah, this is compelling as hell. I don’t know. This show is fun.

Laci (00:13:39):

We’ll be watching it more

Matt (00:13:40):

And the opening credits, my God, the 90 seconds of the opening credits is the greatest movie ever made. That theme song is incredible. The piano is out of control.

Laci (00:13:52):

That packed beach,

Matt (00:13:53):

The colors the eighties, pure eighties cheese,

Laci (00:13:57):

Early, it’s nineties cheese,

Matt (00:13:59):

But it’s got the design aesthetic of the late eighties.

Laci (00:14:02):

It’s all the same.

Matt (00:14:03):

Wasn’t expecting the movie to have to be like, but we obviously have to honor Baywatch the TV show,

Speaker 7 (00:14:08):

But

Matt (00:14:09):

It seems like they kind of were, and maybe even had people involved with the TV show being like, no, you have to pay respect to us. I don’t know.

Laci (00:14:18):

I think

Caleb (00:14:18):

That’s part of its charm. They definitely tried. I mean to Laci’s point, a lot of the stuff was the same. Tower one, the police officer in shorts, basically. Is it a parody or now or is it a too much of an homage to the original if it does that? There’s a line that I don’t think it ever crossed

Laci (00:14:39):

Exactly. It didn’t pick a side. Yeah, it has an identity crisis. It feels like two people pulling two different directions.

Matt (00:14:48):

I’d say more than two people.

Laci (00:14:50):

Three,

Matt (00:14:51):

You’ve got the Rock, you’ve got the director, you’ve got two sets of screenwriters, and I feel like you probably have whatever representatives of the original show also pulling it and no one and you just have a mess. But there is a good and kind of fun movie lurking in the background. But I think that Laci and I are, we disagree about the rock. I think he’s bad in this movie and there’s a stretch where he’s not in it, and Zach Efron takes over as the lead. And the thing is humming at that point when they walk onto that yacht and he’s at the center of the lifeguard team, I was just thinking, why was he not Mitch from the beginning of this movie? He should be Mitch.

Laci (00:15:26):

Is he such a Brody man?

Matt (00:15:28):

I don’t know what that means.

Laci (00:15:29):

See, because you didn’t watch the first half of that one episode I saw. So you’re kind of in the dark right now,

Matt (00:15:34):

But you can make this whatever you want.

Laci (00:15:35):

I don’t think you can because the people who are going to come and watch this, half of it is our Baywatch people.

Matt (00:15:43):

When they made the 1996 Mission Impossible, they took the main character from the Mission Impossible TV series and had him played by John Voight and have him be secretly the evil bad guy. At the end of that movie,

Laci (00:15:54):

What is your fucking point?

Matt (00:15:55):

And fans of the actual Mission Impossible TV series were like, this is an outrage. It’s an insult to the show we love. They were mad. But now it’s like, oh, who cares about that? Mission Impossible is Tom Cruise it’s own thing. You can do whatever you want. You can make this whatever you want. You don’t have to stay loyal to

Laci (00:16:10):

Well, these aren’t visionaries. These are just, they had some ideas and some thought, I don’t know, more of it worked than didn’t. And I was ready for a tooth fairy size shit show. I was ready to be slapping that sofa and asking for the timestamp.

Matt (00:16:29):

You were for a while, but then you’re like, I don’t know, I think this is good. And at the end you’re just like, I like it.

Laci (00:16:34):

Honestly, I just want to watch it again maybe.

Matt (00:16:36):

Alright, well let’s just get into, I mean, I think one of the most annoying things is just really lame jokes about they’re running in slow motion. Why are they dressed? That jokes that were tired in the nineties, but they’re like, I guess we have to include stuff like that whenever they try to make fun of the original show. I feel like it’s really clunky,

Laci (00:16:56):

But the whole plot is poking fun at the original show is very specifically making sure that they do not have any jurisdiction of anything. They’re always way out of their league in what they’re doing and going against what the cops want. They’re vigilantes. They are Batman and the show is thankful for it. Where the movie’s like, can You stop? So I feel like the whole thing is that

Matt (00:17:22):

It’s just, when they call it, when Zach Aron literally says, this sounds like an entertaining but farfetched TV show.

Laci (00:17:28):

Yeah, that’s stupid. That is stupid

Matt (00:17:56):

All. Let’s get into the history of Baywatch Baywatch, the TV series, Baywatch, the movie and the business career of Dwayne Johnson. We’re going to check

Laci (00:18:04):

In the business of being a lifeguard.

Matt (00:18:07):

It’s a big business, big time, big lifeguard. I do like how the story of the development of Baywatch is just a lifeguard’s like there should be a show about this. It’s me, him just having to convince people like, no, no, no. Come see, come see. It’s actually really compelling. And then people go and they’re like, oh, it is. If you’re listening to the podcast, just to let you know, we are recording this separately from our recording session with Caleb. That is why you will not hear him for the next however many minutes. And as always, if you just want to skip to the movie discussion, take a look at that episode description. You’ll see the timestamps because I know not everybody cares about the history and what a history segment. We have a robust, big you

Laci (00:18:47):

Being for real

Matt (00:18:48):

History segment. Oh yeah. So Baywatch.

Laci (00:18:51):

Hey guys, we’re going to learn.

Matt (00:18:52):

Baywatch was created by Michael Burke, Douglas Schwartz and Gregory Bonin. But Bonin or Bonin really seems like the architect. He worked as a lifeguard in the 1970s and he was obsessed with getting a TV show made about it. As I said, everybody’s like, they should make a TV show about my job, but this guy was right. And he would tell people and they’d be like, yeah, right. You’re so interesting. But one day, and I think it was 1978, he happened to save. It was a routine save of the children of a TV executive named Stu Erwin and Stu Erwin’s like, Hey, good save

Laci (00:19:28):

Son. Good save.

Matt (00:19:30):

Why don’t you come on over to my office and I don’t know, I’ll show you around. It’s a treat.

Laci (00:19:35):

There’s a little treat for the life of my child.

Matt (00:19:37):

And it was at that office that he pitched him his idea for a TV show about lifeguards, and the guy was like, Stuart Irwin was like, I’m going to help you. I think there’s promise here. I’m going to help you refine the pitch and show you what you’re going to have to do to actually sell the show. Then Bonin moved into the world of producing and directing documentaries for the US Olympic Committee where he used extensive slow motion.

Speaker 3 (00:20:00):

Many

Matt (00:20:00):

Of the crew that he worked with on these documentaries would go on to work on Baywatch, and he spent 10 years developing and pitching his lifeguard show.

Laci (00:20:10):

That’s a long fucking time.

Matt (00:20:11):

Yes. But he’s becoming a very successful in working on these officially produced documentaries for the United States Olympic team.

Laci (00:20:21):

Wait, I’m sorry. The lifeguard became a documentary.

Matt (00:20:24):

Yeah.

Laci (00:20:25):

Oh, you said TV job and then TV job. And I thought you meant the TV person changed. Sorry. No, that’s my fault.

Matt (00:20:33):

Yeah, so then the former lifeguard, his sister then married TV writer, Douglas Schwartz. And so Bon and the Ford former lifeguard immediately is like lifeguard show. Lifeguard show. Hey, I have an idea for a lifeguard show.

Laci (00:20:46):

I won’t stop at Christmases and Easters and Thanksgiving until someone will fucking fuck into this life, or I will fuck my way through it.

Matt (00:20:55):

Exactly. And you have to figure, yeah, my frigging brother-in-law with these lifeguard idea and Schwartz and his writing partner, Michael Burke, they’re also cousins. They’re not into the idea, but he keeps pestering them and then says, come with me to attend the lifeguard games, and then you’re going to see the spectacle of it all. And they realized like, oh, he’s onto something. This is a strangely compelling world. Those two cousins I mentioned, they are the nephews of Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of the Brady Bunch and Gilligan’s Island. Just to let everybody know all the way back to the beginning, this is just uncles and sons and

Laci (00:21:33):

Daughters. You can have a great compelling, original idea. You can have an executive help you work on a pitch. You can save the life of a child of someone who has their fucking foot in the industry, but how do you really get a show made? You got to just be a nepo baby. Everybody,

Matt (00:21:51):

Or you have to. Yeah. Or you literally have to become a nepo baby yourself by having a family member marry into

Laci (00:21:58):

Net family. Do you have dreams of breaking into the industry? Anyone listening right now? Do you have dreams of that? Okay, stop. Unless your last name sounds like the last name of somebody that’s already in. Otherwise just guys, just get a study job.

Matt (00:22:16):

Truly something I wish I had realized in my early twenties.

Laci (00:22:18):

Yes, Matt thought he was going to be a writer and he is a writer, but just not the kind he thought he’d be.

Matt (00:22:22):

I just write stuff. And then the Baywatch guy did this, and then he did this.

Laci (00:22:26):

That’s perfect. And it would’ve saved us a lot of heartache, although I enjoyed our road trips, passing out the free bookmarks with your self-published book on them to college libraries who used them to kill roaches.

Matt (00:22:41):

Hey, God bless them. Get some use out of ’em. So the three of these guys, they’re all in, they come up with the pitch for the show. They’re going to call it Baywatch. They pitch it to NBC to executive Brandon Tartikoff, and he orders a two hour TV movie as a pilot. So this movie, this TV movie premieres April 23rd, 1989, panic at Malibu Pier.

Laci (00:23:04):

Yikes.

Matt (00:23:06):

And then a series was ordered. So the full series premiered in September of 1989, aired on Friday nights on NBC. The ratings were not

Laci (00:23:15):

At night. I think of it as a daytime show. I don’t know why that shocked me.

Matt (00:23:19):

Well, yeah, you think of it so much

Laci (00:23:20):

Because it’s the beach,

Matt (00:23:22):

But also it is a famous example of first run syndication.

Laci (00:23:26):

Yeah, it’s daytime TV in my mind. Well, it’s after school tv,

Matt (00:23:31):

And it’s just weird to think of it as a network show at all. But for the first season, it was a network show airing on Friday night. So Friday night, not the good night, the worst night on the schedule

Laci (00:23:40):

Until it’s the brilliant marketing of TGIF, which made me completely excited every fucking Friday. Fucking Friday.

Matt (00:23:46):

Yeah. That’s just, Hey, how do we rebrand something that sucks

Laci (00:23:48):

To work for me?

Matt (00:23:50):

So the ratings were not strong, and importantly, the series was very expensive. So it was canceled after one season

Laci (00:23:55):

Because famously water stuff is expensive, right?

Matt (00:23:57):

Yep, exactly. Exactly. And they’re filming all this on location. This is

Laci (00:24:00):

Real

Matt (00:24:01):

Episode that we watched looked incredible, and these actors are fucking doing. They’re doing the dives and stuff,

Laci (00:24:08):

The documentary stuff makes sense now actually, that it feels real. That’s what I said was that the actual lifeguards in the actual show look like they’re doing what they’re doing. And if he’s got a documentary background, well, he’s used to just seeing people as they are not made up

Matt (00:24:26):

And has this understanding of what the camera can do to tell the story

Laci (00:24:29):

Of

Matt (00:24:30):

Where to zoom in, what the athlete is doing.

Laci (00:24:31):

Right, right. What to even shoot, what angle to shoot it from

Matt (00:24:36):

Usually. I mean, TV is such a writer’s medium, a creator for a creator of a show. To come at it from a visual standpoint is one of the reasons I think that this show was so successful as a show that people just love looking at.

Laci (00:24:48):

Yes, it could have come off so cheesy and cheap and feel like a real daytime soap opera kind of thing if the sets were flat, if it were in a studio rather than actually on location if people didn’t actually look hot or capable. The actors are clearly very athletic, and it looks like in a lot of cases, they prioritize athleticism over even looks or acting.

Matt (00:25:14):

And what you said, which is so key, is they look real. Even though these are beautiful people, they look like they’re really doing the job wet and sweaty and in the sun,

Laci (00:25:24):

And their tans are authentic. These are not, you can tell these aren’t spray tans. Even a little bit of skin damage. And I mean that in the best way, I guess. It’s just these people don’t look spray tan. They look like they’re work in the sun.

Matt (00:25:37):

We are completely Baywatch pilled. We watched one episode,

Laci (00:25:41):

What fucking episode Season three, the best Season three, episode three.

Matt (00:25:44):

So the ratings were not strong in America, but in Europe it was a little bit of a sleeper hit, and the European distributor got in touch with a production company and Hey, you’re going to be making more Baywatch. And they’re like, no, we got canceled. And they’re like, oh, that’s too bad. So the creators went to their uncle Sherwood Schwartz, and they’re like, what should we do? And he’s like, I made all my money in syndication from the Brady Bunch and Gilligans Island rerunning for decades and decades. Why don’t you just try doing it directly into syndication? So just if you don’t know, this is just old TV business syndication. People usually say it as a synonym for reruns, like your show airs on the network, it gets to a certain number of episodes, and then the creators of the show then get to sell it to basically the local TV stations all around the world.

Laci (00:26:35):

And it’s up to them when they want to program it.

Matt (00:26:38):

Exactly, yes. And this is where you really make your money as a TV creator, because most of that money will go to you. You don’t have to share it with the network. The idea of bypassing the network entirely and literally going and selling like, Hey, I’m going to meet the TV station in Louisville, Kentucky saying, can I interest you in Baywatch? And they’re like, what’s Baywatch? They’re like, well, it’s a brand new show. It’s not even airing on a network. This was a new and strange idea.

Laci (00:27:05):

Did it take off this idea? It seems really smart, but I guess you kind of need the marketing budget, the industry of the production company push, even if you’re just owned for one season, maybe exactly what needed to happen happened to Baywatch.

Matt (00:27:19):

So Star Trek, the next generation started in syndication two years before this, so it definitely wasn’t the first. With Star Trek, you have the built-in brand awareness, but syndication was generally like daytime tv, like Oprah going from a show in Chicago to nationally, syndicating was a giant deal for her. But I think the idea of doing a scripted series that was new,

Laci (00:27:44):

It sounds like a risk.

Matt (00:27:46):

Yeah, it is. It is.

Laci (00:27:47):

And it sounds like you’re preaching to the cheap seats. You’re selling yourself a little bit short just in the hopes that it actually becomes a runaway hit, but maybe to a, if you go there first, you better hope it works there because it’s not a great badge of approval or seal of approval to then try to pitch it to networks.

Matt (00:28:08):

I mean, the idea of a TV network is like, we’re going to take a lot of chances. We’re going to order a lot of new shows. Most of them are going to fail. So it’s where the creators get to take a lot of chances. Syndication is supposed to be a proven commodity, but what was a proven commodity is that the show was successful in Europe. And David Hasselhoff weirdly has this giant following in Europe and specifically in Germany where he was a giant star, including in music. And so a German distributors put up a lot of money to pay for the show, for the production cost of the show. And then a British TV network, ITV also put up a lot of money, but they had the caveat that the show couldn’t feature violence against women or children and couldn’t have guns. And so David Hasselhoff, but they still had to dramatically cut the budget of the show. So David Hasselhoff cut his salary in half in exchange for executive producer credit.

Speaker 6 (00:28:58):

Oh wow.

Matt (00:28:58):

That ultimately earned him a hundred million dollars from the show’s success. Own the stuff, and you’ll get Rich.

Laci (00:29:06):

Is he a nice guy?

Matt (00:29:07):

I think so.

Laci (00:29:08):

Good.

Matt (00:29:09):

I have no reason to believe he’s not. I mean,

Laci (00:29:10):

Seems like a nice guy. Boy does he look like Patrick Swayze. It is so hard to get over

Matt (00:29:16):

Those lips. It really is. Yes.

Laci (00:29:18):

Yeah.

Matt (00:29:19):

So it became a huge international hit. The most watched TV series in the world at its peak. It was viewed weekly by more than a billion people. Two thirds of the audience was female. Douglas Bonnon said that this is because the women characters are athletic, professional, intelligent, and able to make any rescue a man can make. And then he also said, because of the British TV networks like Decree,

Speaker 6 (00:29:44):

He

Matt (00:29:44):

Said, we made a show that appealed to a broad range of viewers and it could play in any time slot on any day, anywhere in the world. It’s not a tits and ass show. It’s about heroes. And I had a revelation. This is the Marvel cinematic universe. It’s hot people who are heroes

Laci (00:30:01):

And we’re going to see their tits and ass, but it’s not about that.

Matt (00:30:03):

Yes. And it’s going to play everywhere in the world. It has to appeal to every single culture and demographic and age.

Laci (00:30:11):

It visually has to speak for itself. It has to be visually compelling.

Matt (00:30:16):

So Pamela Anderson, when her sex tape was stolen and published in 1996, foreign distributors demanded she be fired from the show.

Laci (00:30:24):

It’s her fucking fault.

Matt (00:30:26):

But actually the show’s ratings went up as a result of that. Alright, let’s get to the movie. A long time. They spend in developing a movie out of Baywatch. They announced in 2004 that they were working on developing a movie, and I thought maybe the model they were going to be using was the Brady Bunch movie from the nineties where it’s like, it’s really just making fun of how silly the old show was. But I don’t think so because the producers of Baywatch were always involved,

Speaker 7 (00:31:02):

And

Matt (00:31:03):

I don’t think there was enough distance, but Baywatch had been so MeMed and it was like a recurring thing in friends of making fun of the slow motion running. And this is just what guys watch because they’re horny, that you could never have made a straightforward Baywatch movie, or at least that was Hollywood’s attitude. And so they keep hiring comedy writers to write a Baywatch script.

(00:31:27):

They get Robert Bin Grant from the state and Reno 9 1 1. He’s hired as writer director, doesn’t ultimately direct, but he and Thomas Lennon also from the state in Reno 9 1 1. They are credited on the movie as story by and things finally get off the ground when Dwayne Johnson is announced in 2014. And again, the three creators of Baywatch, they’re also heavily involved. Also the rocks producing Sto Beau Flynn, he’s the lead producer of the movie. Ivan Reitman is involved as a producer. You just have a lot of cooks in the kitchen of this movie to direct. They hire Seth Gordon

Laci (00:32:11):

On the point of too many cooks. Can I just guess what did have their shit together from the very jump? It only had one cook in that kitchen.

Matt (00:32:17):

What

Laci (00:32:17):

Wardrobe? It’s on point. Everyone looks like they’re part of the same team. And even when they get dressed up to go do their other stuff, everyone’s wardrobe in this movie is good.

Matt (00:32:28):

Yeah, it’s immaculate. And some of the most compelling things are just like, look at them walking.

Laci (00:32:33):

Yes. Again, I don’t just mean the team. I mean as a package, you could tell that was cohesive.

Matt (00:32:38):

Okay. Yeah.

Laci (00:32:40):

From the Bad guys to the Cop to the everybody.

Matt (00:32:43):

The final screenplay credit goes to the team of Mark Swift and Damien Shannon, who are best known for the work on the Friday, the 13th series. They wrote Freddy Versus Jason and the 2009 remake of Friday the 13th. And I like both of those movies don’t like the Baywatch script very much, but I don’t know. That’s weird. Hey, you wrote some Friday the 13th movies write the Baywatch movie.

Laci (00:33:02):

Yeah. They’re a little skimpy on dialogue. I mean, I would think,

Matt (00:33:06):

Right? For a comedy, a verbal comedy

Laci (00:33:09):

Where

Matt (00:33:09):

We’re doing lots of where we’re, I guess they’re like, we’re heavily Let him go, man. Who going to let the Rock just riff?

Laci (00:33:16):

Yeah, right.

Matt (00:33:17):

But it’s weird because he is a wrestler. That’s what you do. You go up there and that’s true. And he’s one of the great promos. I don’t know. This movie’s so confusing.

Laci (00:33:25):

Okay, well, you stack a wrestler up against a comedian and then they’d look not as talented unless you’re like, what’s his nose? Who’s just a very talented comedic actor in addition to being a wrestler. I’m going to think of his name. It’s coming. He’s hot. I’m going to think of it. Help me cock blockers. Come on, man.

Matt (00:33:47):

John sema.

Laci (00:33:48):

It’s the only person I’m ever thinking of. Yes,

Matt (00:33:50):

You could have been thinking of Dave. It’s

Laci (00:33:51):

The only person I’m ever. Dave Patis is not known for riffing. He’s known for his physical presence.

Matt (00:33:58):

Yeah. So alright. Seth Gordon is hired as the director. Seth Gordon directed a great documentary of King of Kong fist full of quarters. And then he directed four Christmases. Horrible Bosses in Identity Thief.

Laci (00:34:11):

Okay,

Matt (00:34:11):

So just a comedy hack.

Laci (00:34:14):

Just a mid,

Matt (00:34:15):

Yeah. Not one of the better comedy directors from this era.

Laci (00:34:18):

No, but not the worst. These are not the worst movies of this era either.

Matt (00:34:23):

I guess

Laci (00:34:23):

They’re fine.

Matt (00:34:24):

But he does such a poor job with the movie. This tone is all over the place.

Laci (00:34:28):

Well, yeah, but that’s assuming he was in charge of the tone the whole time. It doesn’t seem like anyone was in charge the whole time.

Matt (00:34:34):

Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, it seems like Dwayne Johnson is in charge the whole time.

Laci (00:34:37):

I don’t think so. I think some of it got away from him.

Matt (00:34:39):

Okay.

Laci (00:34:40):

I mean, I guess the big boner gag, I guess you could say that’s locker room. He does a lot of dick stuff. If these were all his ideas, a lot of dick stuff in this room

Matt (00:34:48):

And doesn’t seem like his heart’s in it when he does the dick stuff. I heard some older boys in the wrestling locker room talk about Dicks and that’s why I want to talk

Laci (00:34:55):

About them. Yeah, that’s true. But that is one of the best scenes is when he is taking a picture of Zach Efron Medling with the dick in the fucking mortuary or in the, yeah, the Mork.

Matt (00:35:05):

Maybe. In fairness to Seth Gordon, he had very little time with Dwayne Wade because Dwayne Wade, Dwayne Johnson was apparently simultaneously filming Baywatch and Fast in Furious Eight. He was going back and forth between these two productions. So looking at an Instagram post from the Rock in February of 2016, explaining his shooting schedule 2016 breakdown of my shooting schedule while maintaining relationships and being Dad and daddy are the most awesome daughters in the world, and why I’m up at 4:00 AM every day to train Jesus aside from being slightly bad. Shit crazy. Once we wrap season two of hashtag ballers, four weeks left, the next day I’ll start shooting our little beach movie called hashtag Baywatch. Literally the most successful TV intellectual property of all time. How about tv? Show, tv, intellectual property of all time. So the pressure is on. Bring It after 12 week hashtag Baywatch. Shoot. I’ll go right into shooting. Hashtag Fast and Furious. Eight, we’re a family. And playing the character of Hobbes is one of my greatest joys. And I’ll make the promise to you right now. I’m stepping on that set. Ready to rumble and raise the bar on all levels. The intensity, the tactical gear and weapons, and especially that Hobbes win and fun since Fast and five since Fast and Furious. Five, you’ve made Hobbes the highest testing character for a reason.

Laci (00:36:16):

The fuck Rock. Calm down. You’re going too fast.

Matt (00:36:19):

Highest testing character. What a psycho.

Laci (00:36:22):

Everything is just about market testing and markets. You’re making him sound like with the enthusiasm of the fucking guy from Parks and Rec. Can’t think of his name.

Matt (00:36:31):

Rob. Low.

Laci (00:36:32):

Literally. Rob Blow. Yeah.

Matt (00:36:33):

The highest testing property on the estate.

Laci (00:36:36):

Also famous Nons Sleeper in that show.

Matt (00:36:39):

Right. And we’re going to give Hobbes the highest testing character for a reason. And we’re going to give new meaning to the catchphrase. Daddy’s got to go to work.

Laci (00:36:46):

Are we

Matt (00:36:47):

After approximately? Did

Laci (00:36:48):

We,

Matt (00:36:49):

After approximately 12 to 14 weeks of shooting. Ff eight. I’ll transition right into the big one. Hashtag rampage. Before we start shooting, I’ll spend time at the San Diego Wildlife Reserve Preserve as well as with anti-poaching units out of Africa.

Laci (00:37:02):

Oh God. Okay. Stop. Busy signaling. Get off the line.

Matt (00:37:06):

Oh, you brought back Busy signaling. I love that. As big and as big and fun as this movie is. The key is grounding it in research and authenticity. He’s talking about the movie Rampage where he befriends an enormous CGI gorilla.

Laci (00:37:19):

No one’s even thinking about that right now. You should not be thinking of it right now. Go back to Baywatch or finish Ballers. Finish something, then talk. It’s like he’s posting for the next six months in this one post. You can just do this in parts.

Matt (00:37:32):

I want to get back to Ballers because they just, so

(00:37:35):

How the, alright. The entire team that brought you San Andreas is back and we can’t wait to get started on this one. King Kong is just a little monkey compared to what these massive ramp rampaging animals can do. Now of course the universe can step in at any time and throw a flag on the play, but as you see, there’s a method to my madness of 4:00 AM wake up and cardio for training hard. It anchors my day and allows me to 100% focus and prep for these roles. And the irony of the whole thing is all these roles pale and comparison to the most daunting, gratifying and holy shit. Scary roll of wall. Yeah, her dad

Laci (00:38:06):

Being a father. Oh my God. How old is the kid at this point? Are they throwing up

Matt (00:38:10):

Three? I think

Laci (00:38:11):

They’re throwing up. Well, no they’re not. They’re almost got to throw up. They got to read this one day. Ew.

Matt (00:38:16):

But that’s for another fun. Imagine just asking your dad like a simple thing like, daddy, can we go outside and play?

Laci (00:38:22):

Actually, I’m actually really, really posting really hard right now because then Daddy’s going, but you’re the most rewarding reward of all. Goodnight. It’s 7:00 AM Goodnight.

Matt (00:38:32):

I have bonding time scheduled between seven one and 7 0 1 30,

Laci (00:38:36):

But I’ll be at school at 7 0 1 30

Matt (00:38:42):

Being a father. But that’s for another fun discussion. And I close this long ass post with a question. Anyone who just trained his calves would ask, do I or do I not have gum stuck on the bottom of my shoe? Hashtag method to the madness. Hashtag hardest workers in the room. Hashtag Chase your greatness. Hashtag and check your shoes for gum. 100 fist.

Speaker 7 (00:39:01):

What?

Matt (00:39:02):

Alright, two months later he died. He posted. Maybe it’s a multiplicity thing. Maybe there’s just a closet. There’s just a chamber full of Dwayne.

Laci (00:39:10):

Well if there is, they were all posting on this one post in there were eight.

Matt (00:39:16):

They have like a hive mind.

Laci (00:39:18):

It was so big. Okay.

Matt (00:39:19):

Alright. So two months later he posted this quote, fun busy day, kicking it off at 4:00 AM finish shooting our Baywatch movie. He’ll spell words, he’ll drop the G and put in a shooting our Baywatch movie production week in Savannah. He’s

Laci (00:39:36):

Just folks being folks.

Matt (00:39:37):

Matt. Yes, he’s, that is exactly what he’s doing right there is they’re telling me it plays really well to play up that

Laci (00:39:43):

Cooking. I’m just a folk, right?

Matt (00:39:45):

Cooking and he always talks about fishing. He loves to fish.

Laci (00:39:49):

This fuck doesn’t fish.

Matt (00:39:50):

He’s too

Laci (00:39:51):

Tall

Matt (00:39:51):

And driving. He would

Laci (00:39:52):

Never reach the water. He’s too, he’s up the fish.

Matt (00:39:56):

I believe the fishing thing, just because I’ve seen it in articles spread over a long period of time. But yeah, it could be, this is how I can, he’s got that thing of I have to appeal to everyone.

Laci (00:40:08):

Yeah. Gone rocking. I mean fishing.

Matt (00:40:10):

Alright, so shooting our Baywatch movie production week in Savannah. Quick trip to Atlanta to handle Fast and Furious eight Biz. And now heading back to my beloved Swamplands of Florida. Got my go-go Juice in hand. Backpack and camo cargo shorts. I love Roland. Complicated and Blinged Out. Hashtag Wheels Up. Hashtag looking slightly annoyed is the new cool 100.

Laci (00:40:33):

What the fuck are you talking about? Do I have gum on my shoe? Looking The new Annoyed is his fucking dickhead move. What is he talking about?

Matt (00:40:40):

Because you don’t see the picture picture of him. He’s in the gym, but he’s looking at his shoe looking

Laci (00:40:43):

Slightly annoyed.

Matt (00:40:44):

Did I step on gum? Oh

Laci (00:40:47):

Yeah. See, this is when the visuals help Matt.

Matt (00:40:49):

He was having to, I mean, imagine trying to direct this guy and where his head is.

Laci (00:40:54):

If he’s talking to me the whole time like that, I’m like, just do what you want. Just do what you want. Come back. Do what?

Matt (00:40:58):

Exactly. Yes. And how many takes do we get with you before you have to hop a bird and get on over to Atlanta to handle your Fast and Furious eight business?

Laci (00:41:05):

But I thought he had a block scheduled for one and then go to the other.

Matt (00:41:09):

Yeah, I assume it’s reshoots. He has to do reshoots for one to complicate the shooting for the other. Then

Laci (00:41:14):

Maybe if he would’ve fucking listened while he was at the first one the first time. Listen with your big boy ears. Woo.

Matt (00:41:20):

Well, and that’s why, hey, maybe don’t try to shoot five movies in a year because movies go over schedule. That’s what happens.

Laci (00:41:27):

Yeah. Well, and also how much of that tweet you were just reading is in all caps?

Matt (00:41:31):

None.

Laci (00:41:32):

Okay. Because it felt the whole thing felt

Matt (00:41:33):

It. Yeah. It felt He’s screaming at you.

Laci (00:41:35):

Oh, how many exclamation points?

Matt (00:41:37):

Very few exclamation

Laci (00:41:38):

Points. All right. Then your delivery might be off then.

Matt (00:41:40):

Oh, sorry.

Laci (00:41:41):

That’s okay.

Matt (00:41:41):

So there were big hopes for Baywatch and a series was planned. And in the movie itself, they declared definitively we are getting a sequel. And the sequel never materialized because Depp wasn’t a hit.

Laci (00:41:54):

Okay. Of Johnny Depp.

Matt (00:41:55):

Because why are you saying Johnny Depp?

Laci (00:41:57):

You’re showing a picture of him.

Matt (00:41:58):

Just a screenshot from he’s

Laci (00:42:00):

A pirate.

Matt (00:42:01):

Pirates of the Caribbean five also didn’t do well at the box office at the same time.

Laci (00:42:05):

He already had four. Johnny, why don’t you just wrap it up?

Matt (00:42:09):

And it had been a while and it was like, no, we didn’t need those movies

Laci (00:42:13):

To come back. We were good. Yeah.

Matt (00:42:15):

Right now, I mean Disney for years has been like, how can we get another Pirates movie? How can we do it? Can we give you Margot Robbie is the lead of the Pirates movie. What do you want?

Laci (00:42:22):

I kind of watch that. But does he have to be in it?

Matt (00:42:25):

Johnny?

Laci (00:42:26):

Yeah. He can’t. Right?

Matt (00:42:27):

I feel like he’s coming back.

Laci (00:42:29):

I mean he shit the bat

Matt (00:42:30):

Even before all of the troubles. I mean, Johnny Depp go back to the early episodes of this podcast. I know. And we were very enough. Enough of you.

Laci (00:42:39):

You’ve had quite the run. He could go work the ride for a while, like pay his dues in Disney World, be the animatronic.

Matt (00:42:47):

People would love that.

Laci (00:42:48):

That would be fucking amazing. It would go viral. And then he can do a movie

Matt (00:42:52):

And then people will be talking about their complicated feelings about feeling delighted by Johnny Depp in person because he’s a scumbag. But also Hunter s Thompson. Bob Dylan,

Speaker 3 (00:43:02):

Mumble mouth

Matt (00:43:03):

Captain Kevin. So both Flynn, the producers said that a sequel script was ready. Everybody was on board to return the rock’s. Like, yeah, let’s film it in like four months. Yeah, let’s do it. He’s like, the next movie Baywatch is going overseas. Wow.

Laci (00:43:16):

What? The beach is the same. Both places just stay home.

Matt (00:43:20):

Paramount projected the movie would be opening to $50 million, but it opened to $27 million. So it’s not often that they’re that wrong about how their movie’s going to do because test screenings had gone very, very well. But once critics saw it, they hated it. And the studio blamed Rotten Tomatoes. This was a fashionable thing. I remember this at the time. Studios were blaming Rotten Tomatoes for a lot.

Laci (00:43:44):

I love a good podcast episode about Rotten Tomatoes. I just want to understand the love and hate relationship. Why trust it? Why don’t trust it? I need to know all. It seems like it’s had quite the little career, quite the little existence. And I want to know where are we at with this? Because I still enjoy a tomato mater.

Matt (00:44:00):

Do you want me to tell you?

Laci (00:44:01):

No, Matt, do it in podcast form.

Matt (00:44:04):

Okay.

Laci (00:44:04):

Ooh, make a video for TikTok about that. That would be good. That’s so smart. I don’t know if anyone’s ever done that before, but it’s like, oh, you are making a video about the tool we all use rather than making a movie. One a movie.

Matt (00:44:18):

It’s a Yeah, yeah. We’ll do it. You’ll help me

Laci (00:44:21):

Wait. No, you are okay. I’ll be the

Matt (00:44:23):

Tomato. But yeah, this is just like those darn critics are telling people our movie’s No good.

Laci (00:44:28):

Don’t let them speak for us. Let Zaffron, did you see all 17 of his apps

Matt (00:44:33):

Here? Anthony Deandro, who’s a great box office analyst for Deadline to this day in 2017. I’m going to be reading from his analysis from back then after Baywatch opened poorly, he said, quote, the onus for making Baywatch stemmed from the fact that it was one of the world’s most watched TV shows around the globe and Laci, I want to hear what you think about this, but the brand comes with a lot of baggage. First off, it’s a guilty pleasure and cheesy and it’s inherently sexist. All of these factors proved a challenge for Paramount when tailoring trailers. If positioning wasn’t right, the results would flatline another problem. Most under 25 aren’t familiar with Baywatch as a TV show. That demo turned out at 45% and enjoyed the movie, but they didn’t show up in great numbers. More females showed up 52% than guys. 48% as Paramount sold the comedy on its beefcake assets and not its babes yielding a lower turnout among males. Let’s not forget Baywatch was always a guy Property. He’s wrong about that. He’s wrong. So why did 21 Jump Street work again? It’s a less complicated brand than Baywatch. And even though Mission Impossible broke through in 1996 in regards to TV adaptations on the big screen, 21 Jump Street broke the mold as far as a cop show being completely reimagined as a comedy.

Laci (00:45:46):

Yes. Well also it wasn’t a beloved thing. No one was feeling precious about 21 Jump Street. You took something that people, if you loved Baywatch, you also had to defend it because it was kind of a joke. But to know it is to love it, but to know of it is to make fun of it. So this is a protective audience you’re trying to tap into?

Matt (00:46:09):

I don’t know. I have no idea and I have no idea how you’d measure it, but I think of it as more like something that you’re not going to find super diehards about it. There could be people who love the show but aren’t who won’t stand for you Impugning. Its

Laci (00:46:25):

Integrity mean. I mean, Matt, just like what you did, you were eight and you told me you were eight and Baywatch. I was like, you’re a horny little bugger. Because I assumed exactly what I always assumed about any man. And you just said about friends, and that must be why that’s baked into my head that the reason you watch Baywatch is for the Babes. I didn’t even remember that being an ongoing thing with friends. So friends is such a huge thing that that’s what stuck. So if you were going to say, oh, I’m just watching the Baywatch. I bet you are. I’m just saying it comes with a little bit of like, okay, okay. It’s actually a good show comes that

Matt (00:47:02):

Never Porn exists. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t get why,

Laci (00:47:06):

But at 4:00 PM

Matt (00:47:08):

I guess it’s the same people who make jokes about can’t wait for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Why? But I for

Laci (00:47:16):

That one page.

Matt (00:47:17):

But pornography exists. You could purchase pornography.

Laci (00:47:21):

Yeah. But it’s about seeing girls who aren’t letting you see all of it. But see, most of it, that’s the real stuff right there.

Matt (00:47:29):

But I mean, how do you sell this movie? Do you sell it as, look at these sexy people? Do you sell it as a straight comedy? Do you sell it on Baywatch nostalgia,

Laci (00:47:39):

Right? Yeah. It’s tricky. We get a different answer no matter who you ask of it.

Matt (00:47:46):

All right, we’re going to do a little business corner on Dwayne Johnson.

Laci (00:47:49):

Get in the corner

Matt (00:47:50):

And chronologically this movie actually comes before Jumanji. Welcome to the Jungle. So our programming has lied to you because we did that episode before we did this, but 2017 we’re basically in the golden era of the Rock at the box office. The Fast and Furious franchise was huge. San Andreas and central intelligence were very big in 2016. Also Moana is in 2016 and at the same time he’s the lead in a scripted HBO series. So it’s insane. He had three different reality competition TV shows, the hero Wake up call in the Titans, the Titan Games. He had his HBO show Ballers where he’s the lead for 47 episodes across five seasons from 2015.

Laci (00:48:38):

Could that possibly be about, it’s

Matt (00:48:40):

Him as a former football player who’s now an agent.

Laci (00:48:43):

Yay.

Matt (00:48:44):

And it was just entourage. But for football, mark Wahlberg was a producer.

Laci (00:48:48):

Yeah, but was it as good? Entourage was good.

Matt (00:48:51):

I don’t think Entourage was good.

Laci (00:48:54):

It was enjoyable. I enjoyed it.

Matt (00:48:55):

I have no idea. I’ve never seen either. I’ve never heard anyone talk about Ballers, but I tried to, I put this out on Twitter. Is this the thing? This is like those Bruce Willis movies when Bruce Willis was mentally not there anymore and people were taking advantage of him and bringing him over to Bulgaria and filming him in a desk for three hours and then cutting and spreading his scenes throughout a movie.

Laci (00:49:19):

Wait, when was this?

Matt (00:49:20):

This was like the past five years before his family realized what was happening and made him stop. But no, I mean is this like you film, you get to film with Dwayne for two days and you just cut his scenes and spread them throughout a series.

Laci (00:49:33):

It’s just him walking, walking. How can he

Matt (00:49:36):

Make a TV show where he’s the lead actor on a TV show and also make multiple movies every year? It makes no

Laci (00:49:43):

Sense. He does not like his children or being at home. I don’t think he sits still. I don’t think he can. Whatcha you talking about?

Matt (00:49:48):

Being a Daddy is the most important thing in the world. He also has on NBC Young Rock where he’s in it and he is the executive producer and it’s a show about his life. You get to see him in four different periods of his life with actors playing him at different ages. And the framing device of the show is him in the year 2032 running for president and telling stories

Speaker 2 (00:50:12):

About his life.

Matt (00:50:14):

And that is Young Rock, which ran four. How long did this? 37 episodes across three seasons on NBC before it was canceled. Fuck’s sake. So, alright, let’s talk about his business.

Laci (00:50:25):

Oh, I’m oversaturated.

Matt (00:50:28):

In 2011 when things weren’t going so good, this is in the aftermath of Tooth Fairy. He decides his career needs a reboot. So he fires his team. And I’m going to be reading extensively from an article by Steven Galloway from The Hollywood Reporter, a 2014 piece called The Drive and Despair of the Rock. Five years after Johnson started wrestling, a 2000 hosting stint on Saturday Night Live led to the Mummy Returns, which was followed by more than a dozen films, including 2000 Fives Be Cool, 2000 sevens, the Game Plan and 2000 eights Get Smart. Still the star knew something was wrong. I was told that I had to conform to a standard in Hollywood that would be get more work, better roles. He explains, which meant I had to stop going to the gym, which means, which meant I couldn’t be as big, which meant you had to distance yourself from wrestling. You essentially had to deconstruct yourself for a while. He says he bought into that in part because he did not have the high level industry contacts he could turn to for advice. That’s interesting. Especially if he and he doesn’t come from that world.

(00:51:40):

All his contacts are in wrestling and I think the influence of Vince McMahon, we’ll turn to that in a second, but Vince, who’s just spent his whole career trying to break into Hollywood and never being able to, then that started to feel, to not feel good to me. It reached a point of I’m not feeling authentic. After Tooth Fairy says Garcia Garcia is his ex-wife and now business partner. We recognized that Dwayne was moving away from his core of who he was. First they changed publicists, but it was only after a long telephone conversation with Garcia and business manager, business manager Howard Altman in 2011 that Johnson realized he had to go further. The real turnaround came after CAA put together Johnson’s fast five deal, which when he debated returning to the ring for the first time in years, a move his representatives at CA strongly cautioned against he would do so return to wrestling in April, 2011 for WrestleMania 32.

(00:52:44):

No, that was not, no, that’s, sorry. Roman numerals 28. That was when he bolted on Vince McMahon’s advice Johnson spoke to William Morris. Endeavors are Emanuel, who flew to Johnson’s Florida home the next day and invited him and Garcia to a meeting in LA with about 150 WME staff, including the man who would become Johnson’s key rep. Brad Slater Johnson was stunned by their enthusiasm and hunger, a hunger he shared. I felt there were bigger and better opportunities. He said, I also felt there was franchise potential, hopefully multiple franchises in every genre, whether drama or comedy or action comedy. I thought, I want people around me who see this too, and if we fail, that’s okay. We going to fail swinging for the fences. So I know that’s a lot, but it is just this interesting pivot where he’s been on the certain trajectory with a certain team who are managing his career who just don’t seem to have the ambitions for him that he feels like

Laci (00:53:41):

That’s not true. They were trying to turn him into a movie star. He doesn’t seem to want to be one. He wants to be a movie seller and see, he listed off all the things that were his best roles, but they weren’t authentic because that’s not what an actor does. You’re not authentic when you’re acting. You’re acting as a different person and he kept being, he just wants to be him and that be enough in every single thing he’s in to the point that his fucking network TV show is just his life. What other person’s done this?

Matt (00:54:17):

Yeah,

Laci (00:54:17):

I think Chris Rock, didn’t he do hate Chris or everybody hates Chris or something like that.

Matt (00:54:22):

I didn’t know that that’s what that was.

Laci (00:54:24):

I thought it was,

Matt (00:54:25):

But this is so interesting that the acting performances we have praised of his are real acting performances where he is playing real characters, not playing himself, but definitely channeling. I have this, I read this other piece that I didn’t quote here. I think it was from 2021 where he was telling the interviewer, I have lots of acting friends and they have all this stuff they say about acting like the things they play on, the emotions they turn to be able to play the roles. I don’t do any of that stuff. I don’t think about it. I just say my words and make my faces and hit my marks and I don’t know if he’s lying or if he’s just totally delusional because the best performances of his, we have pointed out, they all have in common this sort of body dysmorphia, which I mean, I’m sorry, I know this is armchair psychology. Clearly he has, clearly he is not comfortable with a human body

Laci (00:55:21):

And he’s also not comfortable changing the one he’s used to. Even if he’s not comfortable in it and doesn’t know exactly what to do with it or even understand that the tool he is wielding, he doesn’t want anyone to tell him he can’t be big anymore. I think his identity is so fragile, it has to be the same package. He’s always understood it to be, for di even make sense to him at all

Matt (00:55:44):

The movie Central Intelligence, which was a big hit and it’s a very good performance of his. It’s like the most successful comedy performance he’s given. He’s playing a very strange man who was a fat teenager

Laci (00:55:55):

And

Matt (00:55:56):

In that movie there’s a pivotal scene where he sees himself in a mirror and he sees the fat kid and it’s like this guy who looks like the rock, but he still feels like a loser fat kid from high school and that is clearly what drives him and it’s a very, very good performance and it’s like clearly this speaks to you. It’s so interesting that you are so unwilling,

Laci (00:56:19):

Right? It’s not like you have an acting coach with you right? Then when that’s happening. You just are. When you’re given interesting things to do that take you out of your comfort zone. You are really good at being vulnerable and being authentic. You just don’t think of that as authentic because you think of you as this thing you’ve seen over and over again and this thing that people praise and the thing you’re sure of and if you change from that, you’re worried people will not go down those paths with you.

Matt (00:56:43):

So I’m so glad you pointed out the thing about authentic because I just breeze right by that. But you’re like right, you’re an actor.

Laci (00:56:49):

You’re

Matt (00:56:50):

Acting, you are pretending authentic. On the one hand it sounds like, yeah, be authentic, be you,

Laci (00:56:56):

Be the roles you want to be, but roles you want to be are the ones where you feel safe and you’re not scared and all you’re saying is you felt despair and depression because these roles made you introspective and think about things. You don’t want to think about things about things you’ve stuffed way down with your dad and in your shitty childhood and how the only thing you were allowed to be is this big tough guy. That’s all. That’s why you want to be distracted all the time. That’s why you do 20 things at once. You stop for a second. You start to think about why is this the only thing that makes me

Matt (00:57:25):

Happy and why being a successful actor and being the top box officer earner for a few years would seem like, Hey, you don’t also have to be hosting reality competition shows and leading an HBO scripted series and developing a TV show and launching products and stuff. But he’s like, we sat back when we first started the summer of Rock. There are these characters like Arnold Schwartzenegger, his role model who’s like, who think acting is too small for me? That’s not enough.

Laci (00:57:54):

But I think he also has this fear of not wanting to be trapped in one industry and being known for one industry. It was hard for him to get. When you’re under the thumb of someone like Vince McMahon and you’ve been pipelined into the arms of Vince McMahon, it probably is a little bleak and you’re not sure you’re going to bust out. And once you do, you don’t want to be reliant on any one thing, one skill, one gatekeeper ever again. So let me never be tied down and let me never even be totally present in these projects I’m in. I’ll bet that business manager that he had at first was asking him to lock in, wasn’t booking a hundred things at once, was giving him the space to do these movies and think about these characters and that felt really fucking lonely to him and too boxed in. He’s just not, he needs therapy.

Matt (00:58:44):

That’s an answer for a lot of things.

Laci (00:58:46):

Sure, I am saying it’s

Matt (00:58:48):

Often the right one.

Laci (00:58:49):

He’s going to work himself into a grave because that’s where he wants to be. He doesn’t want to think about these things.

Matt (00:58:55):

So you mentioned Vince McMahon, an underrated influence in his life and the saga of Vince McMahon and the absolutely horrendous allegations against him. Sexual assault and sex traffick allegations. They’re huge two vast to really cover here. Basically, Ms. McMahon resigned from WWE E in 2022 because of sexual harassment allegations, but he just resigned as CEO. He kept his seat on the board and still was still the majority shareholder of the company. So he’s still basically the power in the company. And then he just returned in 2023 and he said, I’m coming back to sell the company, which he did. He sold it to Endeavor, the parent company of UFC, and then they spun off a new company called TKO, which was the parent company of UFC and WWE. So now they have merged and they installed Vince McMahon in the number two position in the entire company.

Laci (00:59:52):

What a change.

Matt (00:59:54):

And people immediately were like, Vince probably had a better offer on the table and took this one because as part of the deal you have to come along. Whereas if he sold it to another company, they’d have no more use for him. But when that happened, Dwayne Johnson joined the board of directors

Laci (01:00:12):

Of tko

Matt (01:00:13):

And he was given ownership of the Rock as a trademark.

(01:00:16):

So 2024 sexual assault and sex trafficking lawsuit gets filed against Vince McMahon. The allegations are so horrific that he resigns in disgrace and now he’s removed from being mentioned, removed from the history, scrubbed from the archives of WWE E, but according to NBC news in 2024, Vince McMahon was still in touch with both Dwayne Johnson and John Cena after his ouster and Vince’s wife. Linda is currently the Secretary of Education in the cabinet of President Trump. Janelle Grant, the alleged victim of Vince McMahon condemned Dwayne Johnson and John Cena for there. She said, supporting someone behind the scenes says way more than publicly denouncing them

Laci (01:00:59):

Or publicly supporting them.

Matt (01:01:01):

No meaning, look, you can say the right things in public, but now that we know you’re behind the scenes still his buddy. That’s way more significant.

Laci (01:01:08):

Yeah, no, I get it. I’m just saying there’s something doubly gross about it because at least if you’re doing it in public, you’re not trying to get away with

Matt (01:01:14):

Something. You have to own it. Yeah, and Johnson has never said, John Cena went on Howard Stern and really stepped on his dick basically saying, well, I still love Vince McMahon and it’s really complicated. All of these wrestlers have abused children relationships with Vince McMahon where they view him as a father figure they can’t detach from.

(01:01:35):

Look at Brett Hart to see the most tragic version of it. Anyway, just felt like we hadn’t mentioned enough that the rock’s attachment to Vince McMahon and the weird influence of his career. But back to the rock firing his team back to the 2014 article by Steven Galloway. So after Johnson fired his team, it said quote, since then, his star has soared. He helped propel GI Joe retaliation to a worldwide box office take of $376 million, $75 million more than its predecessor and boosted journey to the mysterious island to a worldwide gross of $335 million, nearly $100 million. Then journey more than journey to the center of the earth. More impressive after he joined the Fast and Furious Ensemble in 2011, its earnings doubled with Fast five, making $626 million compared with its predecessors $363 million Fast and Furious. Six went on to generate whopping $789 million. So the interviewer asks Twain Johnson, just what do you want? And he says, what do I want? I want the world. Then it goes on to say he chats happily about his non-working life, about the books he’s reading. Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers and Hillary Clinton’s hard choices, the TV shows he’s watching HBO’s, real sports ballers, life class

Laci (01:02:58):

Ballers, life of rock

Matt (01:02:59):

And locked up abroad and his love of fishing. I’m a passionate hardcore

Laci (01:03:03):

Fisherman. When do you do it?

Matt (01:03:05):

He also speaks openly of his live-in girlfriend, writer, musician, Laura Hasian, stop he says of her, she embraced and loved me at my very worst and lifted me up to be my very best and of his ex-wife and longtime manager, Danny Garcia, 45 whom he met as a student and they divorced in 2008. She’s also the mother of his 12-year-old daughter Simone.

Laci (01:03:27):

I want video evidence of him. Fucking anyone. Anyone.

Matt (01:03:31):

Alright, we’ll get on that

Laci (01:03:32):

Consensually both ways.

Matt (01:03:35):

She oversees every aspect of his business empire and her family has become his brother. Hiram is Dwayne Johnson’s producing partner. Her husband Dave Rezi is his conditioning coach. So that’s also kind of interesting. Nice how you divorced, but you’re still friends, you’re still working together

Laci (01:03:54):

And I really like your husband.

Matt (01:03:55):

Her new husband’s now intimately involved in your life too. So sorry, just a tiny bit more. They founded seven Bucks production in 2012 to take very close control of his movie career. Seven Bucks is named after How much money Dwayne allegedly had in his pocket when he was cut from a CFL.

Laci (01:04:16):

Didn’t even need to know that to know that.

Matt (01:04:18):

But I often have no money. Who cares? Who

Laci (01:04:20):

The fuck? How about negative 420,000 bucks?

Matt (01:04:24):

It’s like when you read financial advice books and they’re like, oh, I was at my lowest. I only had $200 in my savings account. Savings account.

Laci (01:04:32):

Well just to be zero plus, just give me zero,

Matt (01:04:35):

A positive amount in your bank account. I would love to be zero. Yes, I would love to be. That would be the best.

Laci (01:04:40):

I know. Just out on the lamb, zero.

Matt (01:04:45):

So in 2020 he launched terra amount of tequila. It’s valued at three and a half billion dollars, which isn’t really, he purchased the XFL from Vince McMahon in 2020 after its aborted relaunch, got interrupted by the pandemic and then in 2023 XFL launched for a third time and then merged with the USFL, informed the UFL. So he is a giant part of the UFL. He launched zoa brand new energy drink in 2021. In 2022. He said on Trevor Noah’s podcast that multiple political parties had approached him about running for office after a poll showed that 46% of Americans supported him running. He’s

Laci (01:05:26):

Going to be so devastated. He’s going to be so devastated when he steps. I don’t think Psyche can handle this

Matt (01:05:32):

World. Okay, yeah, he doesn’t have it.

Laci (01:05:35):

No. He’s really going to have to get his hands dirty. He’s really going to have to speak up for himself. He’s going to have to wrestle with his whole tie to Vince all the things he’s trying not to do and say publicly. Politics will force that out of him

Matt (01:05:50):

Because, okay. Okay, let me just read this last part and then we’ll discuss that. So that poll came out in 2021. He posted on Instagram. I don’t think our founding fathers ever envisioned a six four bald tattooed, half black, half Samoan tequila, drinking pickup drive, truck driving fanny pack wherein guy joining their club. But if it ever happens, it’d be my honor to serve you. The people he claims to have voted for Obama twice and said he

Laci (01:06:17):

That will be made public,

Matt (01:06:18):

Did not vote. That is public and then did not vote in 2016. But in 2020 he endorsed Joe Biden,

Speaker 7 (01:06:25):

But

Matt (01:06:25):

Then in 2024 last year, always with his finger in the wind, he said he was interviewed on Fox and Friends and this is when he started doing a soft like anti woke pivot he said about his Joe Biden endorsement. What that caused back then was something that tears me up in my guts, which is division the

Laci (01:06:46):

Fuck are you talking about? You just took a stance,

Matt (01:06:49):

The takeaway after that, after months and months and months, I started to realize like, oh man, that caused an incredible amount of division in our country. He’s talking about him.

Laci (01:06:57):

Your fucking endorsement did know such goddamn thing.

Matt (01:07:01):

I wouldn’t do that because my goal is to bring our country together. I believe that in that wouldn’t in my DNA. So in the spirit of that, there’s going to be no more endorsements.

Laci (01:07:11):

You are going to have to pick a side if you run, unless you’re the independent rock party, he’s going to fucking do that. He’s going to be the rock party.

Matt (01:07:18):

So maybe you’ll disagree, but to me, clearly he’s a Democrat. He’s

Laci (01:07:23):

Standard. What’s signaling

Matt (01:07:25):

Milk toast mean? Yes. He

Laci (01:07:27):

Just doesn’t like the blowback or the pushback from a very divided country not liking one or you were going to get half the people not liking it.

Matt (01:07:37):

It is a half and half look at the results of

Laci (01:07:39):

Every election. Yes, right. I know.

Matt (01:07:41):

And he’s like, oh, I wasn’t expecting it to create so much division for me to say

Laci (01:07:45):

He’s too much of a people pleaser of a fucking middle of a like, no guys don’t fight. He could never, if he got into politics, it would have to be some sort of neutral position, which you don’t even know if that exists. He needs to go to Switzerland. I don’t know.

Matt (01:08:00):

Well, his personality fits right in with the Democrats of the neutral position you describe is where I think Democrats are is just like, oh, we just need to heal the divisions and our country is great when we are good and all that.

Laci (01:08:13):

Yeah. I want to reach across both aisles.

Matt (01:08:15):

Yes, exactly. Where across.

Laci (01:08:17):

I’m in the middle reaching,

Matt (01:08:18):

Where is the Republican party now? You have to be like fucking rat. You have to be heel rock. You have to be,

Laci (01:08:24):

Oh, I so you be heel rock. Okay, got it.

Matt (01:08:27):

You have to. They’ve had Donald Trump. They don’t want the fucking watered down person spewing plum and quotes about how

Laci (01:08:35):

Yeah, he could never,

Matt (01:08:37):

That’s what I’m saying. He only could be on a Democrat and I kind of think that Democrats are destined to only have celebrities in the future because their brand is so tarnished. So maybe this will happen, but I

Laci (01:08:54):

Think he’s just going to retire to some sort of daily TV show situation, a nighttime TV that just seems like we’d be happy where he could ask happy things to happy people who are happy to see him.

Speaker 8 (01:09:09):

But

Laci (01:09:11):

He’s going to be Martha Stewart. She doesn’t sleep. She can’t sit down. She doesn’t like her kids. That’s what he is.

Matt (01:09:16):

Or Jay Leno, because he hosted this Tonight Show every night and then on the weekends went to Lake Tahoe to do standup comedy and never touched his tonight show money. And he said something like, the worst thing for me is if I took a vacation, I might find out that I like it. And he’s like, no, no, I can never stop. Never ever, ever stop.

Laci (01:09:34):

Yeah, but there’s something about Martha Stewart where she’s a mogul, right? She has a brand, she sells things, she shows you how to cook things. She’s a personality. She’s a business woman. She does not stop and she runs her whole estate and she’s the lead gardener in it. She just knows how to do all of the things and she never fucking wants to quit. And her best friend is St. Snoop Dog. This is so cute. So I don’t know, I just can imagine him just busying himself as he gets older and it’s a little bit slower in something where he can be a whole bunch of things inside of one thing.

Matt (01:10:11):

I think that makes a lot of sense.

Laci (01:10:12):

Some sort of a variety

Matt (01:10:13):

Show or an Oprah. Yeah, I’m sure he worships Oprah.

Laci (01:10:17):

So Martha Stewart’s smart and how she can be a segment where she’s showing you how to do something. It’s in a segment where someone else is showing you how to do something. She’s just talking. It could be her own location. He just doesn’t want to sit still. You can feature his kids or not. He needs to stay a very just pleasing household name. He needs to be loved. That’s why he is never comfortable as a heel or a baby face. That’s not what anyone wants.

Matt (01:10:41):

Go to therapy Twain learn.

Laci (01:10:43):

Let’s go to therapy.

Matt (01:10:44):

Yeah. Alright. That’s our history of Baywatch. Thanks for enduring all of that.

Laci (01:10:49):

Okay, you’re welcome.

Matt (01:10:51):

Thank you, Laci.

Laci (01:11:27):

His body is crazy. So we open, his body looks in pain and his abs are an ombre. Somehow they start off normal tan and then they work their way into the deepest, darkest deaths of his stomach. I don’t understand it. He looks in pain.

Matt (01:11:46):

He you talking about Dwayne or Zach Everett?

Laci (01:11:48):

I’m never talking about the Rock. When I’m talking like that, I’m talking about Zach Efron. You can get muscles, you’ll have no control over how they appear. Some people just don’t have the physique to, that’s what I’m saying. The rock was made for muscles. They are perfectly distributed. Zach Efron looks full of roids and he looks like he’s starving himself somehow. And his tan is out of control. He looks older than he is. The tan is aging him in this movie and still he is hottest book.

Matt (01:12:22):

This is the first time I’ve seen his body and thought, okay, I can see what people are saying when they say it doesn’t look right. Which they were saying after he did the Iron fist, what was it called? The Von Eric Movie. Iron Claw. Iron Claw. Yes. Iron Claw.

Laci (01:12:35):

The White Claw.

Matt (01:12:36):

Yeah.

Caleb (01:12:37):

I think that’s what we had talked about last time. He got so big for the Iron Claw that it got weird. And he’s like on the way there in this movie where it’s normally he’s large, but then in iron recall exercise and it gets even weirder.

Matt (01:12:54):

So let’s talk about Baywatch. We open an Emerald Bay, an unspecific locale. This was filmed in between

Laci (01:13:05):

Catalina,

Matt (01:13:05):

Boca Raton, Florida, and Savannah, Georgia.

Laci (01:13:09):

Okay. Somewhere between those

Matt (01:13:11):

Two days though. No, I mean they flip back and forth. Some stuff is filmed in Florida, some stuff is filmed in

Laci (01:13:17):

Georgia and none of it filmed at Riverdale at my high school.

Matt (01:13:20):

21 jump. Like 21 Jump Street. Right? That’s right. Which, yeah, if you watch 21 Jump Street, it is. So we all grew up in the New Orleans area.

Laci (01:13:29):

You saw my locker. Baby 24. Locker 24. I have no, okay, go ahead.

Matt (01:13:37):

Alright, so we open Dwayne Johnson. He is Mitch Buchanan. He’s making love to his lifeguard Shaq, but then there’s a music sting and he sees a guy wind surfing and it’s unclear how he knows this guy’s in trouble. Nothing has happened to the guy yet, but somehow he just knows that’s not

Laci (01:13:54):

True. The yellow flag blew and a big gust of wind and it shot him into the sky. That’s not how far you go when you’re in one of those things.

Matt (01:14:02):

Okay. I guess you are more attuned to the lifeguard.

Laci (01:14:06):

I’m more in tuned to watching the movie like a normal fucking person.

Matt (01:14:09):

Oh, oh shit,

Laci (01:14:10):

You

Matt (01:14:11):

Didn’t have to say that.

Laci (01:14:12):

Well, I did.

Matt (01:14:13):

So there’s a music sting and he dramatically takes off his life, his sunglasses runs, you get some amazing slow motion shots of him diving into the water

Laci (01:14:24):

With his shoes on,

Matt (01:14:27):

With his shoes on, with his shirt on. I don’t want to be weird, but I’ve spent so much of the summer at pools and I have noticed a trend with children. Most children now wear shirts into the pool

Laci (01:14:38):

Of perverts, like you checking ’em out at the fucking pool.

Matt (01:14:42):

I was afraid of how it would sound, but yes. I don’t know. Is this a, Caleb

Laci (01:14:46):

Has thoughts? What do you think of children? No,

Caleb (01:14:49):

No, I don’t have thoughts. I still go shirts off at the pool. Probably should stay shirts on, but I think that’s like a

Laci (01:14:56):

Skin cancer thing.

Caleb (01:14:57):

Oh, these kids, they need to

Matt (01:14:58):

Toughen

Laci (01:14:59):

Up. It’s a lazy drunk wine mom thing. Okay. I cross gates. There’s just a whole lot of ladies drinking and not watching their children. And the more skin you cover up, the less you got to put sunblock on.

Caleb (01:15:09):

Yeah. More like woke gates. Am I right?

Matt (01:15:11):

Oh my God. It’s out of control people. We got to go back, get skin cancer, eat peanuts. Yeah, but they’re all wearing what they’re wearing in this movie. Crash

Laci (01:15:22):

Guards.

Matt (01:15:22):

Yeah, that’s what it’s called. Yeah. But so far everything in the movie is, this is

Laci (01:15:28):

Heightened.

Matt (01:15:29):

This is the first sign that things are off because it’s all played pretty straight. But then the title of the movie dramatically rises out of the ocean and these dolphins jump out into a synchronized thing like, sorry, what is this?

Laci (01:15:45):

Wait, but there’s nothing straightforward about what Mitch is. He, the beach speaks to him. He is obviously way too well known way too. This is before

Matt (01:15:56):

That though. I I’m just saying the Dolphins is when I thought, what is the tone that this movie’s

Laci (01:16:02):

Going through? Okay. Yeah, you’re right. Yeah, because a fucking bloody head injury where that guy would definitely die if Mitch had not been on the bay is not super, not super lighthearted.

Matt (01:16:14):

Yeah, it’s not

Laci (01:16:16):

Actual blood. I don’t need the actual blood. If we’re going silly, let’s just go bonk. And then little bird fish are swimming around his head

Matt (01:16:24):

And sorry to keep bringing up 21 Jump street, but that is so obviously what this movie is trying to be, or at least was the reason it was greenlit 21 Jump Street opens with the real slim shady by Eminem playing and Jonah Hill getting out looking of a bus in 2005 looking like Eminem. So right away, this is supposed to be a broad comedy anyway, but yeah, then we see Mitch go on the beach and everyone loves Mitch. Everyone loves Mitch. Like, Mitch, you saved my,

Caleb (01:16:53):

He’s so well known.

Matt (01:16:54):

Yeah, because

Laci (01:16:55):

He saved everyone. This is a bunch of clumsy idiots.

Matt (01:16:58):

You saved my aunt, you saved my sister, you saved my marriage.

Laci (01:17:01):

You saved me. So I build a sand sculpture of you every day. It’s fucking,

Caleb (01:17:09):

At some point, I think they mentioned Mitch has 500 saves, which is this must be the most dangerous beach on earth. Yes. If you’re considering a save, saves a life. That’s a lot of people in trouble. I career.

Matt (01:17:27):

I don’t know, career. See, I heard that number and I thought the opposite. I was like, that’s not to quote, that’s not that much. Really?

Laci (01:17:32):

Well, I mean, think about, I mean, look, I don’t know. You’re looking at a mile of beach as a, I don’t know how much life grove, but I mean 10 people in the water for two hours. One of them’s going to get hurt in some way and then add children, add equipment, add surfing.

Matt (01:17:51):

Well, I want to know what constitutes a save because I was

Laci (01:17:54):

At putting the buoy in the water.

Matt (01:17:55):

I was at the pool with our son, our little boy, our artistic son, and he was just, he’s not an aesthetically pleasing swimmer, but he’s a very good incompetent swimmer. But the lifeguard and lifeguards in this movie are heroes and beautiful superheroes. But in my experience, they’re bored teenagers who just shout, don’t run, don’t run over and over and over again at you. And you’re like, he has autism. He’s not going to follow your rules. And you’re like, he needs to not run, sir. But anyway, he’s not swimming in anesthetically pleasing way. He see vertical in this lifeguard. I see. Jump up, get his rescue can and jump in after him. And my son’s freaking out, just pays him no mind and just swims to me. And then the manager of the athletic club, it hus me down. She’s like, sir, I need you to fill out this accident report. I was like, there’s what? So my question is, does that count as a save?

Laci (01:18:50):

If a report gets

Matt (01:18:52):

Know that’s what becausecause the lifeguard’s a dumb

Laci (01:18:52):

Ass. No, it’s definitely, it’s paperwork, right? How else can you get a count? He’s got a little leg thing where he is carving a notch every time it’s got to be the report comes out,

Caleb (01:19:01):

Which means technically you would count.

Matt (01:19:05):

Yeah. So yeah, that’s what I’m saying. It’s an inflated number.

Caleb (01:19:08):

If that is the definition of the same. 500 feet is low feel.

Matt (01:19:13):

Well, I mean he’s on this beach every day for let’s say 20 years. But later in the movie though, there’s a joke where he’s like, we’re the reason the single mom feels okay with her kids swimming unsupervised and then the show the kids being unsupervised and Zach Efron gives a little, huh. But nobody’s paying attention to them now because all the lifeguards are here doing this ceremony. And that is a joke that the movie never revisits again is these lifeguards are too obsessed with themselves to actually be good at being lifeguards. It’s the only joke of that nature in the entire movie. Otherwise they’re supposed to be exceptional at their jobs.

Laci (01:19:47):

I didn’t take the joke that way. I took it to be serious. I didn’t take it as a joke at all.

Matt (01:19:51):

Well, you’re incorrect.

Laci (01:19:52):

I felt Zaffron was actually acknowledging like, oh damn, people really do trust these amazing lifeguards.

Caleb (01:19:58):

Caleb, what do some a

Laci (01:19:59):

Rigorous ass training.

Caleb (01:20:01):

I think that they all don’t take their lifeguarding seriously. To your point in multiple scenes in this movie, they go just to lunch, which you would definitely that out if they do go to lunch a lot

Matt (01:20:11):

And there’s only six lifeguards on this entire squad and they’re always going to lunch at the same time.

Laci (01:20:16):

Now that is how Baywatch, the show is different. There’s a ton of lifeguards. Yeah, don’t worry.

Matt (01:20:21):

Baywatch, the show is supposed to take place in Los Angeles itself, and this is a fictional, I guess small. This is Panama City

Caleb (01:20:28):

Or something. Also, there are six people in the entire lifeguard thing. They only let one person in a year like a ceremony person, but this year it’s three.

Laci (01:20:37):

So why? Because we got to know three people.

Matt (01:20:42):

So Mitch, everyone in this fucking town loves Mitch. You fixed my golf swing. You gave me advice on my career. Arian Foster and Vernon Davis from the NFL are playing basketball and they’re like, there’s Mitch. He’s my best friend

Caleb (01:20:57):

With their real first names too.

Matt (01:21:01):

And then the credits, they’re list Arian Foster as himself and Vernon Davis as himself and Yaya Abdul Mattin is playing the cop and he has a little rivalry with Mitch, which is just, I’m a real cop and you’re not. I don’t know.

Caleb (01:21:20):

I say I always liked that when I saw Yay Ya. It shook me because I did not remember him maybe being in this movie and loved him and Watchman. So I was like, what? He’s a part.

Matt (01:21:33):

Yeah, he’s great. And it’s not like he’s that funny in this movie, but it made me, he does have a pretty good comedic presence.

Caleb (01:21:42):

I think he knows what movie he’s in playing everything. He’s being a jerk because the lifeguards are jerks. He’s doing what he needs to do or he thinks he needs to do in a comedy.

Matt (01:21:53):

Yes. Yes. Just if he was given more to do, he could be really funny in general, but in this movie, okay, so then Mitch is running on the beach and he sees a little kid and he’s like, Mr. Mitch, a little thing of drugs I think washed up and he’s like, give that to me son. And he sniffs and he’s like, flaa

Laci (01:22:13):

Waka Flaa Flame. Flaa brick squad. See, I knew it was a thing. I was like, why are they calling it Flaca? That’s a rap thing.

Matt (01:22:22):

It is. It is a rap thing. I knew that. Of course I know all about rap and drugs, the two subjects I know a lot about

Caleb (01:22:30):

For that. Then

Matt (01:22:32):

Priyanka Chopra plays the villainous owner of the Huntley Beach Club, and we see her very ominously observing Mitch pick up the drugs, and I realized Laci and I just watched all of Deadwood. She’s George Hurst. She’s like

Laci (01:22:45):

A, yeah, she’s trying to buy up all the properties

Matt (01:22:48):

And buy all the politicians and turn this town into the private beach thing that I own and I’m going to kill whoever gets in my way.

Laci (01:22:55):

Yeah, she’s towards you. Absolutely.

Matt (01:22:58):

Let’s see. We also meet, we meet Ronnie John Bass. Who the hell is John Bass? I’ve never seen him in anything.

Laci (01:23:04):

What are you talking about? Oh, the funny guy.

Caleb (01:23:07):

This is one of the worst castings

Laci (01:23:10):

Casting.

Caleb (01:23:11):

I could not stand this person. Really?

Laci (01:23:14):

It drives me fucking nuts.

Caleb (01:23:15):

This is just a character that exists across time, but there are so many better people at it. Yes, Ronnie, Josh Gadd. Some people really don’t like, but this is what does,

Laci (01:23:28):

Yes. Or I kept thinking of the guy who plays McGloin or someone like that. Someone that’s,

Caleb (01:23:34):

Those are perfect examples.

Laci (01:23:35):

We need more dork and more appeal. There’s just no, there’s nothing appealing about him.

Matt (01:23:43):

Well, and it’s like he’s supposed to be the fat guy, but he’s not fat.

Laci (01:23:46):

He’s not. And then the hairy fricking nipples and the weird,

Matt (01:23:50):

Yeah, we’re going to

Laci (01:23:50):

Talk about that.

Matt (01:23:52):

And he’s hanging out with Hannibal Burris and he’s piloting a drone and Hannibal Burris is like, I hate the beach and I have to get back to my job at the Huntley where I do tech. Why are we here? But then some piano music plays as CJ played by Kelly Roach. A lifeguard runs in slow motion now she’s the hot one of the lifeguards.

Laci (01:24:13):

Okay.

Matt (01:24:14):

Kelly Roach, who I didn’t know, she is a model mainly and recently married into the Walton family, so she’s going to be okay. She’s

Speaker 7 (01:24:22):

Good.

Laci (01:24:23):

We’ll never act

Speaker 7 (01:24:24):

Again. Walton,

Matt (01:24:25):

Right, the Walmart.

Laci (01:24:28):

Oh fuck

Matt (01:24:29):

Family. She’s heir to the,

Laci (01:24:33):

I was worried about her.

Matt (01:24:34):

She’s got a Walmart plus subscription for life. Let’s just say.

Laci (01:24:38):

She’s definitely going to be wearing Reebok and Nobo

Matt (01:24:42):

And CJ knows Ronnie and she goes up and she’s like, hi Ronnie, you’re my favorite guy. Let’s talk. And he is like, I can’t talk to you.

Laci (01:24:50):

I mean, he completely stops making words. It doesn’t make any sense that they’ve had any interaction before. That relationships ends up growing on me. Okay. Our dog has the worst breath, just know that. And yesterday he rolled around in something that clearly was dead and he was sitting next to me. When this character first comes on the screen and just the smell, it just goes right out my nose. As soon as this character starts talking and from the rest of the fucking movie, that guy smelled like that and it made it a lot harder to accept the CJ coming onto him stuff. But Brush your teeth,

Caleb (01:25:31):

Ronnie, please. We saw him bathe still. I think he stinks. I think you’re right. You can just tell. You can

Laci (01:25:39):

Tell. And she loves his dick flacid. It’s such a great dick when it’s not hard that she calls a foot long and she’s so horny. She’s so horny. I mean, I don’t know. She leans in and she keeps going with it, so I end up buying it.

Matt (01:25:59):

Yeah.

Laci (01:26:00):

I didn’t know if she was going to apply it to everyone or she was going to stop being into him. So once it’s like, all right, if you’re already No, she’s in him before

Matt (01:26:08):

He’s ever said a word to her. Apparently

Laci (01:26:10):

That’s not true. He’s tried out twice before he’s got heart. The kid has no quit in

Matt (01:26:14):

Him, but apparently he can’t talk to her. Whenever he does, he gets flustered.

Laci (01:26:17):

That’s what I’m saying. That’s what make sense.

Matt (01:26:19):

He’s never communicated with her, but I guess it’s just, oh, I appreciate how hard he’s working on the lifeguard thing, so that’s why I’ll be nice to him. It makes sense. Actually

Laci (01:26:27):

Air tight. She’s got a weird thing for people who are way out of under her league, she’d be into Rudy or just a hot cheerleader inappropriately into the

Caleb (01:26:39):

Stranger Kid

Laci (01:26:39):

Thing. Slightly disabled.

Caleb (01:26:40):

Stranger things. Kids are right on her radar.

Matt (01:26:43):

Yes, yes. See, you need a legitimate fat guy. You need Mike Mitchell from the Doughboy, or you need Starro Haus. You need an actual fat guy, but who’s charming and funny as hell.

Laci (01:26:55):

I don’t think that they’ve are quite sure what they’re looking to have. Nerd and fat guy rolled into one and they’re in some horrible middle

Caleb (01:27:03):

Ground. I don’t need Jack Peter could play this role.

Laci (01:27:04):

Yeah. Yes. Very

Caleb (01:27:07):

Dorky. Coordinated is the main

Laci (01:27:09):

Thing, but you need someone not conventionally attractive too, but has appeal nonetheless. But it’s other people we’ve mentioned. But if it’s because he’s the fat guy and not the smart computer hacker guy, then yeah, just do that.

Matt (01:27:24):

So then Zach Gavron shows up and he’s playing Matt Brody a thing that annoys me in movies and TV is when no one is called by their last name, but a new character. He is instantly called by their last name, by everybody for no apparent reason. It’s a

Laci (01:27:37):

Cool name,

Matt (01:27:38):

But everybody knows, call him Brody, but it’s not like he’s like, Hey, everybody call me Brody. They just all do it automatically.

Laci (01:27:44):

Do you think it’s because he is an Olympian? So you call Phelps Phelps because he’s Michael Phelps and

Caleb (01:27:48):

That’s what I was thinking.

Laci (01:27:49):

Yeah, it’s like the military. I mean, if you get used to hearing somebody being called that, that’s just what you do. And they watch the Olympics. Matt,

Matt (01:27:58):

Caleb, you spent some time with Michael Phelps. What did you call him? Michael Phelps. I put the Y after phe. Okay. Yes.

Laci (01:28:04):

I call him Flipper so you don’t get it, but he’ll tell you about it.

Matt (01:28:09):

So, so Zach Efron arrives and Okay, we got Alexandra Dio who plays Summer.

Laci (01:28:16):

Summer,

Matt (01:28:17):

And he’s like, Hey, I’m Matt Brody, and she’s like, and not a single fuck was given by me.

Laci (01:28:23):

Yeah, that joke was different movie.

Matt (01:28:27):

But he’s like, he goes and tries again to hit on her and she’s like, Hey, I know that you’re hot and I’m hot, so let’s just skip to the part where you put a baby in me. And he’s like, oh, damn. I thought we’d have dinner first. And then she’s just like, Ugh, gross. Men are pathetic. This is where I was starting to panic. This movie is a train wreck. It has no, there’s nothing worse than a comedy that isn’t a comedy that’s flailing and is just embarrassing itself because it doesn’t know how to do the basic things. Have two people talk to each other

Caleb (01:28:59):

Part. To your point, I think you’d mentioned at point, there’s too many cookbooks in the kitchen, too many pot lines. That is, she just, what was she doing? This whole movie just didn’t do anything underdeveloped. Didn’t really, it’s very underdeveloped. She wanted to be The lifeguard didn’t feel the glow up between her and Zach Efron just a week ago. No,

Matt (01:29:17):

Not at all. But I think that when it’s the three of them, when it’s her with the Rock and Zach Efron, I thought, oh, they’re kind of a fun little trio just because she’s a little,

Laci (01:29:26):

No wait, she’s hot as fuck

(01:29:29):

And he’s a fuck boy. Duh. Yeah, but you look at him and you get hit on by him and you’re going to take that in one ear and out the other, or she’s nagging him. She instantly thinks he’s hot and that’s what he needs. She’s into him from the beginning. She’s playing a little game, but she doesn’t think he would be any kind of boyfriend material. So she just keeps that distance until he goes and shows a whole bunch of heart. It’s as soon as he actually starts saving lives, even if he is putting people in danger because she people who would go out for this lifeguard shit, especially more than once, they care a lot about this. For whatever reason

Matt (01:30:02):

In pure, like cynical screenwriting terms though, if you’d say, well, what are her attributes? You’d be like, boobs. She’s

Laci (01:30:08):

Hot and a good lifeguard.

Matt (01:30:10):

I good. She’s good. She’s hot and good.

Laci (01:30:13):

Hot and good. I like this actress a

Matt (01:30:15):

Lot. I like Alexandra Diardio a lot. She played the Rock’s daughter in San Andreas, which was two years earlier than this, so it’s kind of weird to then see them.

Laci (01:30:26):

She grew tit and he said, I’m not your dad.

Matt (01:30:27):

Oh, she had the tit in that movie

Laci (01:30:30):

Out of here.

Matt (01:30:30):

She actually plays that movie. Everything is good about San Andreas except the Rock.

Laci (01:30:36):

It’s his fault

Matt (01:30:37):

He started it.

Laci (01:30:38):

No, like the fault line.

Matt (01:30:40):

The

Caleb (01:30:40):

Fault line.

Matt (01:30:42):

Oh, damn it. You’re right.

Caleb (01:30:43):

It was really good. Thank you, Caleb.

Matt (01:30:47):

I hate when Caleb praises Laci because then Laci’s going to be like, you see what he did,

Laci (01:30:51):

Matt? Yeah. Because you are the opposite. You are. No, but and he is. Yes. And just be Caleb.

Matt (01:30:57):

Alright, God, impossible Be Caleb. So then Mitch comes and he starts, he fucking has a little confrontation with Zach Efron. He’s like, Hey, you’re that famous professional swimmer, I think. And he’s like, I don’t need to try out. I’m already on the team and there’s just a super uncomfortable back and forth. I was thinking about clip it. Maybe I’ll clip this and put it in the episode. I’ve determined the rock cannot do this kind of back and forth banter with people

Laci (01:31:26):

He tried in the tooth fair with someone who is a master at back and forth quickness in the really tall guy

Matt (01:31:32):

Steven Merchants.

Laci (01:31:32):

Yes. That’s an expert equipper.

Matt (01:31:35):

I remember him just not able to do it with Ryan Reynolds in Hobson Shaw. When Ryan Reynolds makes his cameo, I think he really wants to be the guy who can be super

Laci (01:31:46):

Fast and he’s

Matt (01:31:47):

Not rat a tat Tat and hilarious insults.

Laci (01:31:51):

The closest he gets to it is fucking in Moana.

Matt (01:31:55):

He

Laci (01:31:56):

Literally says Rat a Tat tat at once. He’s

Caleb (01:31:59):

Quite good in

Matt (01:32:00):

Moana. He’s good in Moana.

Laci (01:32:02):

Fucking fantastic in moan Yourself voice open by himself. Yes. This man is asexual and he’s not good around humans. He’s just in a hot body. He’s an alien in a hot body suit and he’s doing hot body things and he’s so uncomfortable.

Matt (01:32:15):

Like Laci said, when he kisses Stephanie later in the movie

Laci (01:32:19):

Summer.

Matt (01:32:20):

No, it’s Stephanie.

Laci (01:32:21):

This woman right here is Stephanie.

Matt (01:32:22):

That’s Stephanie?

Laci (01:32:23):

Yes. Okay, then yes.

Matt (01:32:24):

Laci said, oh, he’s going to pay for that later in the movie for kissing a woman.

Laci (01:32:28):

Well, or we are. I was like, oh my God, thank God it faded a black. Or it was so fast I And you don’t see him approached. That’s a big thing. He was already there. It’s the approach that’s like, oh, rock, don’t do No, but who ended up paying for it is fucking Stephanie. She disappeared after he kissed her. I will not look at that woman again. I put my lips and tongue on her.

Matt (01:32:48):

So she’s the one who paid the price.

Laci (01:32:50):

She paid, she disappeared in a fucking fish barrel.

Matt (01:32:53):

I don’t want to have to think about it anymore. She paid the ultimate price. The ultimate price.

Laci (01:32:58):

The opposite of a frog. You kiss it, it turns into a prince, you kiss him, you disappear.

Matt (01:33:03):

I mean the rocks, his thing is like, I’m just going to call you a different demeaning boy band name. The whole movie. What do you got to say about yourself? One direction.

Laci (01:33:11):

Our Garfunkel Fun call.

Matt (01:33:14):

Describe the dynamic here and what the Zach Efron, what Matt Brody’s deal is. Laci.

Laci (01:33:20):

Oh, well, Matt Brody is all in and passionate and is very serious about the work that they do here, sanctioned or not at Emerald Bay. And here he’s all about paying your dues and he’s about working your way up and he’s about respect and he’s about hard people who are in it. Not for prestige, but because they’re going to pass the test and they’re going to follow the rules. He’s a rule follower, Matt, except for when it comes to the law. Anyway, so this is the ultimate asshole thing for him to be like, I’m already on the team. I’d hate him too. I hate him. So I need Zach Efron to fall in line and then I’m going to love him so

Caleb (01:33:57):

Much. I think they explained it at some point, but MAP also comes into this being invited to be on the team

Laci (01:34:03):

By

Caleb (01:34:04):

Someone not named The Rock.

Laci (01:34:06):

And someone who has not bought in at all. He’s basically the fucking mayor from Ed Amityville or whatever the shit. He’s the guy from Jaws. Yeah. He just wants to get butts in the seats and tourists back over here. He doesn’t. That’s what it is. This guy’s the guy from Jaws, who’s the sheriff, and then the other guy is the guy.

Matt (01:34:25):

Captain Thorpe is Mayor

Laci (01:34:27):

Larry Vaughn

Matt (01:34:28):

From Jaws.

Laci (01:34:28):

Yes. That’s what I’m saying. It’s all cynical. It’s all about money. It’s not about the actual safety and good. And you’re like, there’s something going on with this. I mean, I called it minute one that he’s actually in on all the bullshit. Yeah,

Matt (01:34:39):

Because Rob Huble, captain Thorpe is the Rock’s boss, and he’s like this Matt Brody. He’s a famous Olympian, but he’s on probation and the rock’s like, what for? And he’s like, it’s not important. And that keeps coming up throughout the movie. Never paid off.

Laci (01:34:56):

Ever, ever, ever. And it’s a huge misuse of a very good comedian to give that role to that man. And he doesn’t even get to be funny. He’s annoying

Caleb (01:35:07):

For some reason. Just until right now. I hadn’t considered that. We don’t know what he got in trouble for. I thought he got in trouble for his antics at the Olympics and I was just sitting How can that get you arrested?

Laci (01:35:18):

Yeah. No, they stuff it. You think it’s going to be a reveal later? Yeah. You think it’s going to come back? They forgot about it

Matt (01:35:26):

In Rio. It’s actually illegal to vomit in the pool. So he was in a Brazilian prison for,

Laci (01:35:31):

He threw up highlighter too. He threw up the fucking blob from Ghostbusters.

Caleb (01:35:37):

Do we want to get into the CGI corner for a second here?

Laci (01:35:40):

Get in it.

Caleb (01:35:40):

Okay. When the Rock and Zach Efron are riding on the jet ski, terrible. Horrendous.

Matt (01:35:49):

It’s so annoying because there are parts of this movie that look really good. Lots of the beach stuff looks really good.

Speaker 7 (01:35:54):

And

Matt (01:35:54):

Then there’s stuff where it’s so obviously them in front of a green screen of just, couldn’t you just put, I know it’s expensive. Put ’em on a boat and film it. You’d get so much of mileage out of,

Laci (01:36:03):

But because the real Baywatch does do that, they look tired. The Baywatch TV

Matt (01:36:09):

Show looks amazing.

Laci (01:36:10):

Yes. They look tired. They look wet. They look like they’ve been in the sun all day. All of them have real tans from being on that show. You can tell it’s just because they’re on the show that they look like that. It’s hot on a beach.

Matt (01:36:21):

Yeah, I know. Who gives a shit if we film it on a real, if we film them on a real boat or not, that’s not going to make us anymore money, but it would look so

Laci (01:36:29):

Great. I think the trope about Baywatch is like they were all too perfect looking. But I watched, like I said, I watched one episode guys and they look like they’re on the beach. Hasselhoff has ridiculous hair, but the women, they’re all flawless. Yes. But they look like they’re swimming. They look like they had just swam. Their hair is wet. I don’t know. CJ in this movie, comically has crazy big bouffant, overly done, overly styled hair after she’s just been in the water a couple times, which it is not a joke. They’re just not clipping the scenes together in a smart way. But I think it is a joke that she’s perfect looking outside of the water. I don’t think she dries immediately. And that’s the joke. It’s just, I think people think because it’s Pamela Anderson’s character, she was overly perfect. No, that woman is just impossibly put together. No one can be Pamela Anderson. Her body doesn’t make sense. I don’t think she was overly done up on the show. I think she looked like she was swimming and running. She’s just an impeccable, crazy looking woman.

Matt (01:37:30):

But on the show, they’re selling it. But this is an actual job that real people do and this is how they’re going to look when they’re doing it. They’re going to look sunburnt and wet and hot and stuff.

Laci (01:37:40):

Right. And here. But I feel like they’re selling the nobility of being in this and how hard and elite it is and how passionate you need to be in earnest. So then you go and add the, and we look perfect too. It doesn’t make,

Caleb (01:37:55):

You’ve just reminded me, what would the key word job description for this be? Earnest is definitely one. Yeah.

Laci (01:38:02):

Yeah.

Caleb (01:38:03):

Bought

Laci (01:38:03):

In

Caleb (01:38:04):

Comfortable with ambiguity.

Laci (01:38:06):

Kool-Aid, drunk Kool-Aid had been drinking.

Matt (01:38:09):

Yeah. Looking for family.

Laci (01:38:12):

Yes. Does

Matt (01:38:13):

Not want to leave work ever. It is a

Caleb (01:38:16):

Cult. Must do scheduled lunch every day.

Laci (01:38:19):

Right. If you are homeless, we will put you in a cot at boss’s house. He does this so often that we just have a system where someone knocks on the, there’s so many people that go there living under the pier that want to be lifeguards.

Matt (01:38:32):

They all started that way.

Laci (01:38:34):

They all just came from under the pier.

Matt (01:38:37):

He picked them all up from off the street. Now, I mean,

Laci (01:38:42):

Again, oh, that’s such a Brody thing. But that’s Brody from Point Break

Matt (01:38:45):

Brodie, dammit.

Laci (01:38:47):

And I love that movie.

Matt (01:38:49):

More on Point Break later, please. All right. So at the beginning of the first 30 minutes of the movie, I am truly in Pain. I texted Caleb, I said, this movie is pure pain or something like that. I was truly panicking about how bad this is because again, there’s nothing worse for me than a comedy that’s embarrassing itself. It’s so hard to watch. And I think this extended sequence that now happens, the,

Laci (01:39:10):

Oh, this is when I was like, we can’t do this. We can’t do this. Luckily they never do a thing like this again.

Matt (01:39:18):

So here’s what it is.

Laci (01:39:19):

Oh, let’s talk

Matt (01:39:20):

About, so Ronnie the big fatso, he’s watching CJ run on the beach and he’s eating some carrots and then he chokes on a carrot, and then CJ comes over and gives him the Heimlich

Laci (01:39:32):

And fucks the shit of his ass.

Matt (01:39:34):

We see her humping his butt,

Laci (01:39:36):

Really pegging the fuck out of him. And that gets him rock hard,

Matt (01:39:40):

Which would happen naturally. And so Handel Burris is in like Ronnie look

Laci (01:39:47):

Down Dick Hole,

Matt (01:39:49):

And we see his boner

Laci (01:39:50):

Dick.

Matt (01:39:50):

And anytime any curse word or any RAness comes into this movie, the movie feels a little scared of it. But it’s like, but I know we need to do that. What people want out of this movie,

Laci (01:40:00):

You know what daytime television couldn’t do, say Cock,

Matt (01:40:04):

Right? And again, 21 Jump Street. That’s what we are trying to be 21 Jump Street, but we are not committed to it at

Laci (01:40:10):

All. You did say they hump someone very quickly in the 21 Jump Street movie. So they literally get CJ to just hump someone very quickly in this movie.

Matt (01:40:17):

It’s an incredible movie. 21 Jump Street is so good. They apprehend. I need

Laci (01:40:21):

To watch it. Okay.

Matt (01:40:22):

We’re watching. They apprehend. It is their first arrest. They apprehend a guy with a bag of cocaine in Laier Park, a park I’ve been to 400 times in my life. So Channing Tatum, he’s laying on the ground and he just sits on top of the guy and they handcuff him and to celebrate his handcuffing him, he just starts humping the guy. And Jonah Hill gets up and in celebration, shoots his gun off in the air 10 times. But again, that movie, you could make fun of cops. That movie’s idea is like, Hey, the dumb asses from high school that you knew, they grow up to be cops and it’s not like they become better people. They’re still dumb asses. But you can’t do that with

Speaker 8 (01:41:02):

Lifeguards. You saying this mad just makes me think this movie is completely different. If Channing Tatum is Mitch,

Laci (01:41:10):

That’s what you need Jonah as the fucking goofball fat guy. And then you need Mitch is

Speaker 8 (01:41:16):

If Mitch is overconfident a good

Laci (01:41:18):

Movie

Speaker 8 (01:41:18):

And a bumbling idiot, but still effective, that’s a formula that’s worked for years.

Laci (01:41:23):

Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 8 (01:41:25):

So

Laci (01:41:26):

Right.

Matt (01:41:26):

Yes.

Laci (01:41:26):

And Zaffron playing off a chant, Tatum, yes, please. And thank you.

Matt (01:41:31):

Okay. That’s a great idea. I was thinking the way this needs to work is the rock needs to, whoever your Mitch is, he needs to be Dwight shrew of the beach of like, okay, you are taking this way too psychopath. Seriously. But yeah, if he’s chanting Tatum and he’s a dumbass, but he does everything and people are like, they worship him.

Laci (01:41:50):

Zach

Matt (01:41:51):

Efron comes in and he’s like, I don’t get it. This guy’s an idiot, but eventually gets won over. Oh, I get it. Yes. Frank Grimes words.

Laci (01:41:59):

Yes, God, we just made the movie better.

Matt (01:42:03):

But Dwayne Johnson is not capable of doing something like that.

Laci (01:42:07):

No, he can’t be an idiot. He doesn’t even trip one person trips in this movie, Zach Efron, you’re in the sand all the time. All there is to do is trip.

Speaker 8 (01:42:18):

Alright, so the erection, okay,

Laci (01:42:19):

The erection,

Speaker 8 (01:42:21):

His dick is still stuck in the chair. I couldn’t believe they did. Why

Laci (01:42:25):

He think this was something about Mary level, like wacky shit and it never pays off and you never come back to it.

Matt (01:42:31):

It would not be that funny if it was just Hannibal Burst being like Ronnie, and you look down and you see like, Hey, this is how raunchy we’re going to show an erection. And then it cut. It’d be like, okay, that’ss a joke right there. I got it. Instead, they’re like, no guys, we’re going to really dig in because then the hot babe is like, I’m what? And so Ronnie dives forward onto a wooden lounge chair to hide his boner, but whoops. He gets his boner lodged in between two planks of wood on the,

Laci (01:43:00):

Because if you get the balls all the way through, all of a sudden you have a fucking parallel dick to your body.

Matt (01:43:07):

Totally. And so Mitch comes over, CJ comes over, and a whole crowd gathers as, what are we going to do to get him out of here? I mean, knock the two pieces of wood out, but no, nothing we can do. And it’s just, he’s so embarrassed and it goes on

Laci (01:43:23):

And on and on and on. And his dick’s fine, just so you know.

Matt (01:43:28):

And once again, she’s so cool to him. She’s like, I totally understand. It’s a thing that happens. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I think you’re sexy as hell even despite all of this.

Laci (01:43:39):

And even though you smell like Laci’s dog.

Matt (01:43:41):

Yeah,

Laci (01:43:41):

Yeah.

Matt (01:43:42):

Despite choking on a carrot like a little baby,

Laci (01:43:44):

Baby carrot.

Matt (01:43:46):

Alright, captain

Laci (01:43:47):

Olaf, that’s who he reminds me of. That’s not Olaf, right?

Matt (01:43:50):

Josh Gad is Olaf Josh Gad is who Caleb said should play.

Laci (01:43:53):

Oh yeah, that would’ve been perfect.

Matt (01:43:53):

There you go. He’s Olaf. He likes warm hugs. Carrots, carrots. Mitch goes to meet with his boss, captain Thorpe, played by Rob, who’s like, Mitch, the mayor’s on my ass. We’re running out of money for you. Little Baywatch operation. We need to bring in a superstar,

Laci (01:44:10):

Your little Baywatch where you’ve saved 500 people from our dangerous fucking hole in the ground.

Matt (01:44:17):

But this is the guy who actually runs it is this guy, but he’s like city hall’s putting a lot of pressure on me. I got, maybe if we have an Olympian, a famous person, they’ll want to renew our budget or whatever.

Laci (01:44:29):

How much funding could you need? It’s a wooden structure on a beach.

Speaker 8 (01:44:33):

Okay.

Laci (01:44:34):

I guess you need boats and Ski-Doos,

Speaker 8 (01:44:36):

You say this, there’s a New York Times article from a couple of years back about the lifeguards of New York beaches and how they basically had been working there for 40 years and were colluding against the city. And some of these guys were getting paid three or $400,000 a year to be the lifeguard. It was nuts. And it was an investigative article about how they were having this happen. I think there were some false time reports. I think there was a lot of years, year’s experience bonuses and stuff that just cause these costs to be crazy. So when I saw this, I was like, you know what? This makes sense. I’ve seen this.

Laci (01:45:12):

Well, Mitch’s house is way too nice, right? This house does not make sense.

Matt (01:45:16):

Yeah. He’s on the take. Yeah. Maybe that is what this is. I’m going to read that

Laci (01:45:21):

Article. That’s why he’s upset about the Flocka. He’s putting out the Waka Waka and it’s competing.

Matt (01:45:26):

But I love when you hear about a giant scam and it’s like they were making $300,000 a year.

Laci (01:45:31):

That’s not even an indifferent tax bracket.

Matt (01:45:33):

Yeah. In New York too, it’s like they coast in

Laci (01:45:37):

New York, but they live on the beach and you can’t even be there for half the year.

Matt (01:45:42):

The podcaster John Gabriel talks about when he was a lifeguard in his early twenties, and he’s like, I’ve been in movies, I’ve had TV shows. I’m very successful. I still would rather be a lifeguard.

Laci (01:45:54):

It’s how I

Matt (01:45:55):

Feel about Sonic. It’s the best job I’ve ever had. I wish I could go back

Laci (01:45:58):

To, I loved roller skating. It’s sonic, I dream about it. I loved it so much.

Matt (01:46:03):

And the annoying lifeguards I’ve spent my whole summer around, they do look like they’re having a good, nice little community. They have. What they’re actually paid for is you cannot bring your phone out there with you. So they just have to sit there and look out at your kids.

Laci (01:46:16):

And when they make waterproof phones and they’re like, God, we could have them out here now.

Matt (01:46:20):

Nope.

Laci (01:46:22):

We were at Crossgates and actually saw an emergency happen. Someone actually had a seizure in the pool. It was very scary, man. And then the one episode I picked to watch episode three, season three, Baywatch, A Man has a seizure in the ocean.

Matt (01:46:36):

It never occurred to me, what if somebody has a seizure in a pool or in a body of water? That’s very scary.

Laci (01:46:41):

People who have seizure disorders usually though, don’t go in a body of water or a pool by themselves. I mean, you bring a friend,

Matt (01:46:46):

You’re taking a chance. You’re like, what’s the odds that’s going to happen? Right now.

Laci (01:46:49):

That’s why you also don’t drive a car for that reason or operate heavy machinery. A pool is a heavy machine.

Matt (01:46:55):

It’s crazy what people will do.

Laci (01:46:57):

Okay, sorry.

Matt (01:46:59):

Think about it.

Laci (01:47:00):

Won’t

Matt (01:47:02):

They show some footage of Matt Brody at the Olympics and showing his deal? He won two gold medals, but then the next day he had the team relay, but he had gone out drinking and partying the night before, and so he vomited in the pool and ruined it for his team. Cost his team a gold medal.

Speaker 8 (01:47:18):

The best part about that is it’s like just highlighter liquid that comes out. It’s not even, there’s no viscosity to it. It looks like it was like when they tell you as a kid that you have peed in the pool, that’s going to make a collar go, that’s what it looked like,

Matt (01:47:35):

That thing that is totally fake. Maybe this is what that actually actually looks like.

Laci (01:47:40):

It looked like a sports thing to me. They’re always drawn shit on the screen when sports are happening. I was like, oh, he, they’re a show on his trail where he was swimming your

Matt (01:47:49):

Eyes. I’ll look into, was this practical or CGI did. They actually,

Laci (01:47:54):

Dude, could they not bother to spill a cup of Kool-Aid

Matt (01:47:57):

In the pool? Fucking pool. Pool spill something in the pool. And so he’s interviewing an interviewer on tv and she’s like, it seems like you’re not a team player. And he’s like, have you heard? There’s no I in team, but there is a me. And then the interviewer says, are you dyslexic? Hilarious. He says, I’m

Laci (01:48:14):

Caucasian. This is such

Matt (01:48:17):

I’m Caucasian.

Laci (01:48:18):

That’s real good.

Matt (01:48:19):

Now his characterization is so inconsistent because he’s mostly not a dumb ass. Him saying that makes it seem like he’s going to be just an idiot an then come poop. But he’s not, except for a couple of times when he is. And it’s funny, but it’s just, I don’t know,

Laci (01:48:37):

Just so many little gags and jokes are set up and done and then forgotten. And there just is no consistency. There’s no coherence.

Matt (01:48:45):

I think it is funny whenever he’s being an idiot, he’s like, when he doesn’t know what a computer is, that stuff’s funny. But mostly he seems like a capable and smart guy,

Laci (01:48:54):

Right?

Speaker 8 (01:48:55):

There’s not what this new movie needs.

Laci (01:48:57):

I mean, I’m good at my laptop, but I do not know computers.

Speaker 8 (01:49:01):

I

Matt (01:49:01):

Love them. There’s this parallel story with the criminal scheme from the bond villain

Laci (01:49:08):

From another complete use waste of a good comedian. I don’t understand why you don’t just put other kinds of

Matt (01:49:15):

Actors. Who are you talking about?

Laci (01:49:17):

Well, Oscar from the office is the, yeah,

Matt (01:49:20):

Oscar nun plays a city councilman and he’s getting bribed by Priyanka Chopra who plays Misleads.

Laci (01:49:27):

I don’t mind comedians getting jobs for whatever the hell you want, but when you put someone that is so famous for being in a comedy show, you do expect there to be something. And then when it doesn’t happen, you’re like, did you guys just not know what to do with him?

Matt (01:49:42):

Yeah,

Laci (01:49:42):

He does nothing funny.

Matt (01:49:44):

Justice, ROS. It’s a job.

Laci (01:49:46):

I guess

Matt (01:49:49):

Now there’s tryouts. We got the big tryout sequence. We get all the fucking, yeah, a billion people show up for this pep rally slash tryout for the lifeguards. Three of you are going to win.

Laci (01:50:02):

Every town’s got to have something met. This is just their thing. It’s a beach town. Whatcha are going to do beach?

Matt (01:50:08):

They have everybody just swim out of a thing and then swim back. But Zach Efron’s not participating. And so the rock goes up to him and he’s like, Hey, Baywatch is the elite of the elite and if you’re going to be on the team, you got to try out the obstacle course or whatever. And Zach Efron, it’s the first of many back and forth where he is like, well, I don’t think this is serious at all. And he’s like, you don’t think this is serious? Lemme tell you how serious it is. Repeat and repeat and repeat.

Speaker 8 (01:50:36):

I have a question about this scene, Ronnie, in this scene, and maybe I didn’t pay enough attention, but he has a very dirty chest, hairline and nipples. What was that? Was there a point there? It’s funny just that he’s so gross,

Laci (01:50:56):

But No,

Speaker 8 (01:50:56):

But is it nipple hair or is it just

Laci (01:50:58):

Yes.

Matt (01:50:59):

Dirt. Well,

Speaker 8 (01:51:00):

It’s hair surrounding. It’s gone later, but it’s gone later. It’s gone

Matt (01:51:04):

Later. The shower. Shower. It doesn’t exist anymore. Yeah, comments on it? Yeah. She says, Hey, you shaved your pits or your nips or whatever.

Laci (01:51:10):

Oh, I didn’t you

Speaker 8 (01:51:11):

Ever say that? Yeah. See, I heard it without your dirty nips or something like that. And I said, well, how did they get dirty? What did he do? Born in the mud.

Matt (01:51:22):

It’s not a natural formation. His chest being completely barren except for a little bit of hair around the nipples. He deliberately sculpted

Laci (01:51:29):

That. Not a little bitty hair. It’s a crazy donut size. He looks like a baboon. He looks crazy.

Matt (01:51:34):

Okay. But I’m saying in the reality of this movie, this character is supposed, apparently supposed to have made this grooming choice

Laci (01:51:40):

To

Matt (01:51:41):

Do that. It’s not

Laci (01:51:41):

Like, but he’s also,

Matt (01:51:42):

This is just how he looks.

Laci (01:51:45):

No, his natural hair is what you see on the beach. And then he goes and shaves it off because he made the squad. He also starts eating salads.

Matt (01:51:53):

Nobody’s natural hair would be that.

Laci (01:51:55):

Matt is still supposed to just be a fucking joke. He didn’t shave it. He doesn’t think he’s sexy, so he wouldn’t have shaved into a sexy pattern.

Speaker 8 (01:52:03):

It threw me off. I was so confused.

Laci (01:52:05):

It’s one too many. Yeah, it was a thought that just did not land and it was abandoned.

Matt (01:52:13):

But you know what? He’s got hustle and heart out there on the obstacle course.

Laci (01:52:17):

Well, it’s his third time trying.

Matt (01:52:20):

And the rock’s like, I think he’s going to make it, even though he’s objectively worse than all the other kids.

Laci (01:52:24):

Not, he was fine. He tripped one time. He does not give up.

Matt (01:52:29):

So the rock is like, Hey, Zach Efron, I’m calling you out. We’re going to go one-on-one bub and we get to see Zach Efron’s way too shredded body. They fucking do chin-ups and they pull refrigerators and show giant and rotate giant tires. Fine. But he ultimately is not able to keep up with the rock and the rock’s. Like, Hey, this job, it’s about conserving energy, not being a showboat. But nevertheless, you’ve made the team or maybe make it doesn’t matter.

Laci (01:53:03):

He makes it. That’s been announced. Yeah. Or fuck, you’re right.

Speaker 8 (01:53:08):

I don’t know. I don’t think he’s been announced. The secrets of events. They finish this. He says he’s gassed, but then they get a call and these people are in need rescuing. And that’s when he jumps up and Brody gets on the motorbike and they get on their little four wheelers and everyone rooming around.

Laci (01:53:24):

Does anyone else find it weird that he very, it stands out in your head. He shows up on a motorcycle. He’s a motorcycle guy. And then he goes and drives this motorcycle and he brings it to the edge of the parent. And I’m thinking, wow, wait a sacrifice your motorcycle. Then make a point to say later that he stole that one.

Speaker 8 (01:53:42):

I thought you grab your own. That was the joke. You came on it. That was the joke that worked for me. It was like, not to mention, you stole and ruined a motorcycle,

Matt (01:53:52):

The one that he does this stunt with.

Laci (01:53:54):

Yeah, they mentioned it at the, he

Matt (01:53:56):

Ruined it

Laci (01:53:58):

And he puts a ton of people in danger. I mean, it’s obvious. He is still showboating.

Matt (01:54:02):

Yeah, it’s a really impressive stunt though. I don’t think it’s Zach Eon himself, but whoever did this, I think it is a really cool stunt. It’s done in one shot of him crashing the bike into the edge of the pier and then flying off and into the water just as a pure stunt. It’s really cool. But these people, Laci was so upset by this. These people

Speaker 7 (01:54:22):

Are

Matt (01:54:22):

Just standing at the end of the pier and appear to just be jumping off as they shout. Oh no, I can’t

Laci (01:54:27):

Swim three people in a row, but I can’t swim. I can’t swim. And all three of them go in and they just sink like fucking stones. Whatcha doing on a pier at the beach? You live at the beach.

Speaker 8 (01:54:38):

Why are you standing on the pier at the beach,

Laci (01:54:41):

Stand on the ground? Well, there’s a railing. There’s a railing where you’re sitting on the railing and going, I wonder if I’ll fall over if I do it all the way back. I can’t swim. And then dodo birds, they each just fall. Oh, I wonder if I can swim. I can’t. I wonder if I can, but can’t.

Speaker 8 (01:54:56):

Sorry. This is like baby birds trying to figure out if they can fly. They just keep falling. You’re going, oops. Oh, dress. I

Laci (01:55:03):

Still can’t swim. I’m 45. Bye.

Speaker 8 (01:55:08):

The mom has no excuse. She knew she should have known,

Laci (01:55:11):

Right? No. Here’s my 12-year-old never learned to swim. Remind me, can you swim? No, mom, I can’t.

Matt (01:55:17):

It’s a controversial method of how to teach your kids to swim is jump off of a pier into the

Laci (01:55:22):

Ocean. You got to have a plan B, and that’s usually that you’re going to go get them. So she dives off to be like, oh, I did push both of my kids and sure enough, look, they still can’t. I’ll get you. Oh wait, I can’t. We just figured it out. That’s what happened.

Matt (01:55:34):

People are going to be so mad at us. They’re going to be like, I learned to swim by my mom throwing me off a pier when I was 12 years old. It’s very elitist of you to think that it’s okay to do that.

Laci (01:55:44):

Okay. We don’t all have access to pi, so they are elitist.

Matt (01:55:48):

So Brody is able to get there first because of his cool stunt, but right away he doesn’t actually know what to do in the water. And he just picks up the woman and she elbows him. He’s like, Hey lady, don’t hit me. Show some respect, which is what I would be like. I would immediately be mad at the people.

Laci (01:56:04):

I just ruined some guy’s motorcycle and you’re going to slap me.

Matt (01:56:08):

And the real lifeguards were arrive in time to save everybody and Okay, great. Well, he

Laci (01:56:13):

Didn’t even know there was three people. He thought there was just one other. Yeah. Remember how a whole group of idiot birds fell off the fucking pier and you rushed to save them in the water? Right Now, Brody,

Matt (01:56:25):

Another version of this movie could be everything that Mitch tries to do just makes things worse, that you’re leaving a trail of destruction in your wake.

Laci (01:56:35):

You mean to say Mitch and not Brody?

Matt (01:56:36):

Yeah, or just the Baywatch people in general. It’s like, oh, they’re actually incompetent at their

Laci (01:56:41):

Jobs. I don’t think that’s a fun movie. I don’t like that.

Matt (01:56:44):

It wouldn’t be good. I’m just saying that it seems like one maybe aborted threat of like, here’s a version of Baywatch we could do to make fun of Baywatch. I don’t

Speaker 3 (01:56:54):

Think they were making fun of,

Matt (01:56:55):

Maybe that’s what that show son of the beach was about. But Brody’s a trainee now and so is Ronnie and summer. Alright, here we go. Brody has to sleep on the beach. He doesn’t have a place to crash. So they’re like, Hey, go stay with Mitch. And he’s like, okay. So Mitch lives in this mansion and he has this fish tank and inside the fish tank is a little Mitch that gets changes. Just move around based

Laci (01:57:22):

On the mood. It’s like an el in a tank spanking shank,

Matt (01:57:26):

Spanking a tank. And Mitch is always listening to the CB radio refuses to turn it off. He’s a psycho who’s so devoted to the job.

Laci (01:57:34):

It’s his only identity.

Matt (01:57:36):

But we hear on the CB radio, it’s just like, I lost my hermit crap. Look for him. He’s very fast though, so there’s no actual stuff going on.

Laci (01:57:44):

I didn’t catch that. That’s funny.

Matt (01:57:45):

And we get the training montage. Wouldn’t it be nice by the Beach Boys played And Laci Laci at this point, he’s still so angry at the movie and hates the movie that she gets mad.

Laci (01:57:55):

I thought I was supposed to hate it

Matt (01:57:56):

For having the needle drop where she’s like, it’s not fair that they get to just play the song and make me think this is good.

Laci (01:58:02):

Yeah, I did feel a little manipulated a few times.

Matt (01:58:05):

I did

Laci (01:58:06):

Too. It takes a while to get cooking. I just couldn’t buy in on Ronnie. I couldn’t do it. And I needed Zach Efron to be a sweetie.

Matt (01:58:15):

And in this training sequence, we just see Zach Efron’s aborted attempts to flirt with summer. And I mean with the Ronnie and CJ thing, he’s trying to perform CPR in a dummy, and then she comes and helps him with his technique and at least he makes a joke. I always say, I like when characters in movies make jokes to each other and laugh. And they’re having a good, he’s dying. No, not Todd. Okay. You could see maybe something is starting to form between these two. Maybe

Laci (01:58:45):

I totally, yeah, maybe. I don’t know if Horn dog CJ is going to give it up.

Matt (01:58:48):

I just learned today that the Heimlich maneuver is apparently kind of pseudoscience. Were you aware of this kid? No.

Speaker 8 (01:58:55):

Pro-science,

Matt (01:59:00):

It’s not that. It’s not.

Laci (01:59:02):

You’re aware. This is CPR though, right

Matt (01:59:04):

Behind know. I just remembered they did the Heimlich earlier. So it’s not the official guidance that you should do the Heimlich for people choking and that the guy missed Dr. Heimlich who invented it, made all kinds of unsupported claims about what it could do.

Speaker 8 (01:59:17):

So if you’re choking, what is the best thing to do? What’s the actual thing?

Matt (01:59:21):

Hit somebody on the back. Oh,

Speaker 8 (01:59:22):

Okay. I can do that.

Matt (01:59:22):

And what’s funny is Heimlich invented the Heimlich maneuver to say hitting people on the back is what they did is what peasants did in the Middle ages. I got this new thing and then he funded lots of studies to show that hitting people on the back is bad. But now it seems like we have returned to a place where no hit somebody on the back. That’s what you should do. If the joke

Laci (01:59:39):

Okay, you can actually hurt them more or cause them to choke more. Right, Matt? If you actually go to straight to

Matt (01:59:46):

Yeah, and straight to abdominal abdominal thrust,

Laci (01:59:49):

What do they

Matt (01:59:49):

Thrusts?

Laci (01:59:51):

So the whole thing you’re supposed to do whenever you’re choking by yourself is throw yourself on the back of a chair like hy like yourself. I can’t pat myself on the back.

Matt (02:00:01):

Yeah, that might be the only thing you can do. All right. They do have the heim like kits you can buy. That’s just like a pump. You just put it up to your other

Speaker 8 (02:00:08):

And Laci, you could trach yourself too if you need to.

Laci (02:00:11):

Just Yeah, just I think of it as opening a beer the old fashioned way just in

Speaker 8 (02:00:16):

Case.

Matt (02:00:17):

Oh yeah. Yeah. We’ve trached ourselves a couple of times. Caleb, back in our old days,

Speaker 8 (02:00:24):

Don’t get me started on my Traching days.

Matt (02:00:28):

The Meadowbrook days

(02:00:32):

Crazy times. The rock tells Zach Efron about these sea urchins. He’s like, Hey, careful, watch out for these sea urchins. It’ll sting you and kill you. And Zach Efron does have a funny line. He’s like, and these things are just around everywhere. So I don’t know how many minutes we are into the movie, but I wrote in my notes, oh my God, the first good joke of the movie is when Oscar Nunez is getting confronted by the villains. And the bad lady is like, well, now my goons are going to deal with you. And you have the two goons one’s named Leon is the white guy, the black guy. I don’t know his name, but Leon is vaguely like Eastern European or whatever. But the black guy’s like, this is Leon, he doesn’t talk. He’s a man of action. And Leon immediately says, I’m going to kill you. And the other one’s just like, God damn it, Leon,

Laci (02:01:22):

I’m trying to hype you up.

Matt (02:01:23):

Yeah. So I was like, wait a minute. That was a good joke. Holy

Laci (02:01:25):

Shit.

Matt (02:01:28):

So they kill Oscar Nunez and we have this sequence where a boat’s on fire. So now it’s rescue number two.

Laci (02:01:37):

Very annoying women who are like, what is your location? We’re in the boat.

Matt (02:01:41):

That’s funny.

Laci (02:01:42):

It’s great.

Matt (02:01:44):

My location is the ocean.

Laci (02:01:45):

Right? I’m feeling kind of not motivated by this save. I’m like, ah, let ’em burn. They seem annoying.

Matt (02:01:53):

I think the sequence is pretty well done.

Laci (02:01:55):

It’s fine. I don’t mean that. I just mean I don’t like those girls.

Matt (02:01:57):

Oh, okay.

Laci (02:01:57):

Yeah. Let ’em burn.

Matt (02:02:00):

They

Laci (02:02:00):

Could have heard Zach Efron, we can’t spare ’em.

Matt (02:02:04):

But before they get called out to the boat that’s on fire, we know something’s blossoming between Ronnie and CJ and Zach Efron. Matt Brody is checking out summer and through the binoculars, and then Mitch comes up to him and he is like, Hey, are you going to be a coward or are you going to make a move on her buddy?

Laci (02:02:24):

No, a lot of fraternizing.

Matt (02:02:26):

I would assume Mitch would be like, no, we’re professional here, man,

Laci (02:02:29):

I’m going to kiss Stephanie later, but I’m going to hate it. And then she’s going in a fish barrel.

Matt (02:02:34):

I don’t want my hot young employees fucking each other. But I guess he’s like, Dominic

Laci (02:02:41):

Reto. I was going to say that. I was going to say no. He wants them to eat in the fucking Google cafeteria and he wants them to fuck at the Google fuck shed. And that’s how you keep the employees on the ground.

Matt (02:02:50):

If they start, yeah. If they mate with each other, then they’re going to be that much more tied to the, it’s like in the firm, when they have Tom Cruise, they have his wife, they replace her birth control pills with

Speaker 7 (02:03:02):

Placebos. Right.

Matt (02:03:03):

You’re going to stay with the firm if you have children. That’s kind of what he’s, he’s kind of like little

Laci (02:03:07):

Babies. Yeah, little tiny baby lifeguards. Yeah. They could serve as the little buoys. You paint ’em orange.

Matt (02:03:18):

So yeah, the rock’s characters are always so asexual and he’s so asexual in this movie, but he seems to have like a No, I want my employees to be having sex with each

Laci (02:03:27):

Other. I like when they fuck. Yeah. As long as they fuck around me, it looks like I fuck Yeah. Co-ed showers, guys. I fuck. Right. Keep your baths and suits on though. Don’t lemme see, because I fuck.

Matt (02:03:39):

Well, yeah. And he even says earlier, he is like, yeah, I got my dick caught in a woman once for three hours.

Laci (02:03:43):

And when he says it, I’m like The rock.

Matt (02:03:46):

But you’re like, okay. No, he’s Steve Carrell in 40-year-old Virgin. He is like, oh, I love touching a boob. It feels like a bag of

Laci (02:03:52):

Sand. Yeah. When I’m balls deep, I literally do get both of my balls in a lady’s vagina and then they get suction,

Matt (02:04:01):

Then they get stuck.

Laci (02:04:02):

They go out the butt hole.

Matt (02:04:04):

Wait, is that how that works?

Laci (02:04:06):

Yeah. If your dick is as big as his dick. Yeah,

Matt (02:04:10):

Bro, you never got the butt stuck.

Laci (02:04:12):

No. No. You don’t get the butt stuck. You get

Matt (02:04:13):

No, that’s just what they call it.

Laci (02:04:14):

Get the balls. Oh, I call it butt drip because I’ve been there.

Matt (02:04:20):

Yeah. The lifeguards deploy to the yacht that’s on fire. They get all the women out and they get the man. It’s Oscar Nunez, but he is dead and he is dead.

Laci (02:04:29):

Dead of an autopsy, already has the weird crinkle things all over the cuts. He’s already been autopsied guys. That’s How

Matt (02:04:37):

Did he have

Laci (02:04:38):

No, Matt. Okay. I was like, wait, really? No,

Matt (02:04:42):

That was pretty dumb of them.

Laci (02:04:43):

The fire looked very CGII. The fire button bad. It looked actually after effects. I feel like I could do it in cap cut.

Matt (02:04:51):

It does look bad. I think it’s still a pretty effective sequence. Just I did remember like, oh, I know. I liked this show because there’s just a lot of neat things you could do without to rescue people on the water. And one of them is fire on water.

Laci (02:05:03):

And if you’re going to dive, you better be able to hold your breath until there’s a non-fire spot to come out. That is so scary. That’s like being trapped under ice

Speaker 8 (02:05:13):

Fire looks bad. But it looks like they actually did film underwater for a lot of this stuff and that.

Laci (02:05:18):

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 8 (02:05:20):

This movie is Highs

Matt (02:05:21):

And lows.

Laci (02:05:22):

Yes. Yeah.

Matt (02:05:23):

No, there’s some really, really solid craft and then some crap. They’re back on the shore and the rock is chastising zaffron. You disobeyed a direct order, you put the team in danger when you swam under that fire. Now don’t do that again, Mr. And then he goes up to the body and he is like, okay, tell me what we see here with this body. He’s acting like a cop. And then yay. Abdul mat team comes and he’s like, get out of here the rock. You’re not a cop. And he’s like, oh, but I really think I am like, no, get out of here. But Mitch gives a very earnest speech about how they’re here to save lives because they’re faster than the cops in the Coast Guard. They’re trying to do more than the bare minimum. We’re not just going to stand around here. We hear someone’s in trouble. We’re going to go help them.

Laci (02:06:03):

Yeah. How else do you get a sand sculpture every day if you’re not going way beyond the call of duty?

Matt (02:06:10):

So Ronnie,

Laci (02:06:12):

His butt’s not bad.

Matt (02:06:13):

Ronnie is naked in the shower singing, I’ve got the eye of vagina. See her

Laci (02:06:18):

Hair. Look at her hair. Her

Matt (02:06:19):

Hair is

Laci (02:06:20):

Crazy. Done.

Matt (02:06:21):

Yeah. I remember hearing Evangeline Lily say that when she played the WASP in the Marvel movies, she said, these characters are always flipping off their masks. And when I do it, I want my face to be red and covered in sweat and my hair to be all messed up. What you would actually look like. And once I noticed that she’s the only character in those movies who appears to be affected by it, I could not unsee it that everyone else always looks perfect all the time. And

Laci (02:06:55):

I’ll say, it’s not as good. I got your back, Matt. Thanks. Look at his butt. That’s a good butt. You expect it to be hairy of the nips, but it’s not.

Matt (02:07:05):

But this is also just an annoying, he’s a fat guy and he’s singing his heart out in the shower.

Laci (02:07:10):

I don’t know. You keep really winning on the fat guy thing. I just think he’s just not conventionally attractive the other ones. That’s all.

Matt (02:07:15):

Okay. The movie is presenting him as fat.

Laci (02:07:19):

You’re right. You’re right.

Matt (02:07:19):

He’s Hollywood fat.

Laci (02:07:21):

Okay.

Matt (02:07:21):

He, if I got down to his weight, I would cry for joy. To be clear, it’s like how the movie thinks he is fat. Maybe eight years later we’d have an actual fat person in a movie. But 2017 we were so,

Laci (02:07:39):

So asleep,

Matt (02:07:40):

So asleep at the wheel.

Laci (02:07:41):

Yeah.

Matt (02:07:44):

Central Intelligence. The movie that the Rock made the year before this, he as a teenager was a fat kid and they just like CGI, the Rock’s face onto an actual fat actor and he’s singing naked in the shower of the high schools. So two movies I watched in one day where a fat kid sings in the showers and then CJ comes in and she’s like, Hey, I’m just taking lunch orders. She’s acting real cool and nonchalant about the nudity. And then she’s like, oh, by the way, these showers are co-ed, but we usually keep our bathing suits on. And then they all go to lunch together

Laci (02:08:20):

And he has a salad and keeps remarking on everybody else’s other meal choices. And how so I thought this was my spin and a commentary on maybe what it was like for the real live actors of Baywatch to keep the figures that they had. That’s what I figured. This was him. Look at this outfit on fucking cj. God, that’s the hottest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. This white outfit that they go clubbing in.

Speaker 8 (02:08:44):

She is a model. She looks like a Mortal Kombat character.

Laci (02:08:48):

I’ll take that

Speaker 8 (02:08:49):

Sonia.

Laci (02:08:51):

And then fucking Stephanie’s going to ride in the Magic School bus. What the fuck is she wearing?

Speaker 8 (02:08:57):

She’s wearing fireworks it looks like,

Laci (02:09:01):

But it’s like all the way up to the neck. She’s the flattest character in the entire movie. They give her nothing to

Matt (02:09:07):

Do. No nothing.

Laci (02:09:07):

I mean, I will be mouthed that is placed kiss on and then I go and fish barrel

Matt (02:09:15):

Right hand man. But has no thing power unique to her character,

Laci (02:09:21):

Drive a boat

Matt (02:09:22):

Or any interiority whatsoever. It’s just she’s competent.

Laci (02:09:25):

But because in the way the dynamics are, there’s three girls and three guys. Mitch is supposed to be the love interest and there’s a glimmer of that whenever he pulls back from the kiss and she seems kind of interested in it and then she disappears. It’s like the reason why this is lopsided, she has nothing to do. The other two are pursuing and being pursued. It’s not like it’s the most badass thing for women to get to do, but she doesn’t even get that.

Matt (02:09:48):

And they kiss. They’re at the sequence where they’re trying to infiltrate the Huntley party because the Huntley company is dealing drugs. They’re dealing F flaca and we’re going to guys off the clock. We’re all going to get together and go to the party and I need you all to be my lookouts. And they’re like, yes sir. Yes, Mitch, whatever you say. And so they do it and Mitch and Stephanie go to the back rooms or whatever to look, and then some security guards catch ’em. So they’re like, quick, let’s make out. This is the same thing to Tom Cruise does a couple of times in the Mission Impossible movies. It’s funny, Tom Cruise also asexual,

Laci (02:10:23):

Right? But he can still pull off set. I still find him. He seems to be attracted to the women. He’s kissing,

Matt (02:10:30):

But in Mission Impossible movies. He can only kiss a woman if it’s part of a rose release, part of

Laci (02:10:36):

The mission. But there’s other movies where he definitely has chemistry where the rocks cannot seem to muster up any younger.

Matt (02:10:42):

No,

Speaker 8 (02:10:42):

He has, there’s like the first top gun. I think he and Kelly us have good

Matt (02:10:46):

Kelly chemistry. I think that they’re hot together. I think Renee Sweer and him and Jerry McGuire are very good together.

Speaker 8 (02:10:53):

But him and Jennifer, MCC Conley Top Gun two, none, zero.

Matt (02:10:57):

I like them. But it is like they’re old now. It’s just we got no time for that sexy business.

Speaker 8 (02:11:06):

Why don’t we just laugh at a quick montage? We’re on a boat together,

Laci (02:11:11):

They’re hot and they’re walking so hot. Anyway, they’re all, you’re right, this is after work. What the fuck are they doing? When do they sleep? They’re going to infiltrate Huntley’s party and they’re positive that drugs are on the ground. So they’ll locate those. And they have a great plan for if it’s exactly the way they think it is, don’t worry. It is.

Speaker 8 (02:11:33):

This also has a good joke, right before they go in, they’re like, you have all this giant plan for this. I can just go in and ask for the drugs, right? It’s like, I don’t think you guys understand. I’m hot. I can just go ask for it.

Laci (02:11:47):

Well, also, people who sell drugs want to sell the drugs. So you go in and you ask for drugs. He’s totally right. You’re going into a party where you want people to be addicted to drugs and to be on drugs. Someone will just get ’em to you.

Speaker 8 (02:11:59):

That’s another great,

Laci (02:12:00):

Especially if you look like Zac Efron, who looks like he does drugs.

Speaker 8 (02:12:04):

Oh yeah. And this one with the frosted tips for sure.

Laci (02:12:06):

And he is always just a little bit sweaty. It’s like drugs.

Matt (02:12:09):

That’s another great scene at 21 Jump Street where they buy drugs and Jonah Hill’s just like, hi, we’d like to buy some drugs. And Dave Franco’s like, yeah, okay. He’s like, yeah, they want to sell drugs.

Laci (02:12:19):

That’s what they do.

Speaker 8 (02:12:20):

Also int this party, they’re expected to be undercover. Everyone in this town knows Mitch. He can’t go undercover for anything,

Laci (02:12:28):

But he’s wearing his lifeguard outfit, right? He, I mean, or that’s his lieutenant. I don’t know what the fuck he’s wearing. He looks like a later they legit

Matt (02:12:37):

Go undercover, which is really where it seems like What movie is

Laci (02:12:40):

This? Then he puts a chef’s hat on.

Speaker 8 (02:12:43):

Oh, true. Very true.

Laci (02:12:45):

Seven foot fucking tall. But that physique gone under that hat.

Matt (02:12:50):

He yells at Brody again, you’re not taking our job seriously. And he’s like, well, I don’t think the job is serious. And he’s like, yeah, well, that’s why you fucking vomited in the pool. You clown. And then Brody falls into the pool here and then

Laci (02:13:04):

Vomits,

Matt (02:13:05):

Vomits in the pool. And then everybody’s like, Hey, it’s the vomit comet. And he’s like, yeah, shots. And they all cheer and drink shots. He turns this into a triumphant moment for him. He’s like, guess what? I party. I do one day I’ll test out. If you just shout to a crowd of drunk people like drinks, will they all just be like, if they’re

Laci (02:13:23):

Under the impression that you’re buying them, yes. But if you’re at an open bar, they’ll be like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, we have one.

Matt (02:13:31):

So if you just shout alcohol, they won’t be like, yeah, hell yeah. Love it.

Laci (02:13:35):

You can’t just yell alcohol and you can’t yell tequila. You can’t yell beer. You got to say shot

Matt (02:13:40):

The goons, the bad guys. They’ve killed Hannibal Burris because we see a scene of him working for the bad guy and they’re like, he knows too much, so take care of him. So they just load chum into his wetsuit and throw him overboard to get eaten by a shark back on the beach. Brody once again, the other lifeguard’s like, you suck. And he’s like, I don’t want to be part of this team.

Laci (02:14:03):

I really want it now.

Matt (02:14:04):

Yeah,

Laci (02:14:05):

I was in a foster home. I just eat a family dumb. Just ask summer.

Matt (02:14:10):

And they’re like, no, you only care about your gold medals. And he’s like, no, I don’t. And he throws his gold medal into the water and they’re like, wow, okay. We will give you one more chance. This movie is way too long. It’s an hour, 56 minutes. It should not be over 90 minutes. And the movie’s just running in place at this point. And there are still three more acts that it has. It goes through so many different, more movements. But it is at this point that now there’s a switch where Zach Aron is no longer the antagonist of the

Laci (02:14:38):

Movie. He’s all in

Matt (02:14:39):

Now. He’s just part of the team, but a little annoying. And suddenly the movie starts working a little bit. They’re all in it together. They’re all on a stupid mission together. And they’re going to infiltrate the morgue and he gets to be charming. He dresses up as the doctor to sneak into the morgue, and you can hear him in the background saying, these disguises are awesome. I actually feel like a doctor. So they pull Oscar Nunez corpse at the morgue. They read the report. He didn’t die of smoke inhalation. He died before the fire and then the rock. There’s another extended dick joke where the rock’s like Zach Efron, look at his taint.

Laci (02:15:17):

There’s something nice though about making the rock participate in a physical dick being displayed joke kind of cuts through the veneer of his perfect little

Speaker 8 (02:15:29):

Boy

Laci (02:15:29):

Scout.

Speaker 8 (02:15:31):

I agree. There is a layer of, this man is a football player and a wrestler, juvenile dick jokes just should come naturally to him. And he does here locker. That locker room joke does work.

Laci (02:15:44):

And because what he can do is he can haze. He can’t do things with women, but he can fuck with a new guy or yes. And so that’s why the hazing stuff should be a little bit better before when he is just calling out different random names to him. But there should be more of this.

Matt (02:16:03):

No reason for him to look at the taint. He just, no, get in there. Really get in

Laci (02:16:06):

There. He’s like, well, I found a hole. It’s an

Matt (02:16:07):

Asshole. Say what you see, it’s a taint. But the rock is filming him with his cell phone. But yeah, I did think, no, he’s too much of a goody two shoes to do this. But I guess you guys are right. Think of him as a football player. He should

Speaker 8 (02:16:21):

Do more of this. That is a role that you does well,

Laci (02:16:24):

Right? This is the only way he can be kind of blue kind of something, not cookie. What am I trying to say? Girl Scout cookie.

Speaker 8 (02:16:37):

Cookie cutter.

Laci (02:16:38):

Yes. It’s the only time he gets R is if there’s an actual dick in the shot and it just can’t be his.

Matt (02:16:45):

Now the two bad guys come into the morgue. So our three heroes, the Rock and Efron and Alexandria, they jump into those big drawers where they keep the bodies.

Laci (02:16:56):

Turns out it’s all open in there. And I just love that Zach Efron is the only one that jumped on two corpse. Everyone else had an empty one.

Matt (02:17:03):

And I like that. They’re like, Hey, shut up being a baby.

Laci (02:17:07):

I want him to shut up too. He’s going to blow their cover and it’s a pretty good cover.

Matt (02:17:10):

And fat from the body above him is dripping onto him and getting in his mouth.

Laci (02:17:14):

And the rock knows that that’s what’s happening in there. So educated on fucking bodies and morgues. Yeah,

Matt (02:17:19):

That’s what they teach you in lieutenant school. And so Zach Efron’s like, fuck this. And he just jumps out

Laci (02:17:27):

And Chuck, but you think he’s going to play. There’s a moment where you’re like, okay, he’s just going to work with this. He’s just drunk. Weird Dr. Guy. I sleep in here and I drink this and they think I’m a good doctor,

Matt (02:17:40):

But they flee. And then the heroes chase them. And there’s a jet ski chase where the one goon gets onto a jet ski and flees into the river. And just some background actors like here, Mitch, take my C dude. They

Laci (02:18:00):

At least make use of the whole town liking him and knowing him, right? At least that comes back and pays off.

Matt (02:18:05):

So he jumps onto it and there’s a SeaDoo chase,

Laci (02:18:07):

And then he is allowed in a lady’s house.

Matt (02:18:09):

And then he chases him through a house. And this is where it is getting really point break. And I realized, I think point break might be the movie you need to look to as the tone. This movie, it should be an action movie, a heightened action movie with just a little bit of goofiness,

Laci (02:18:23):

A little goof

Matt (02:18:25):

From how much testosterone is in this, how ridiculous everything is. But that is Catherine Bigelow, stop making CIA propaganda direct a baywatch adaptation. That’s what I think should happen.

Laci (02:18:37):

Yeah,

Matt (02:18:38):

Put

Laci (02:18:38):

Your hands to better use.

Matt (02:18:40):

Really, they fight in a house and the rock wins. But what comes of this,

Laci (02:18:46):

I don’t like that they destroy so much property and these guys clearly not like a high income house and they’re just fucking smack. You know how much a crib costs, how long it takes to put it together. I got to do that again. Pisses me off.

Matt (02:18:58):

Laci is very consistent about this. She always gets very vocal during scenes like this in movies.

Laci (02:19:02):

I do not like collateral damage. It’s a big deal to fucking, I don’t have collision on my vehicle. So if some fucking asshole was just fighting in the streets and put a dent in my car, now I have a dent in my car. I don’t have a collision. I can’t get his insurance. He’s gone. He’s down the street. It just pisses me off.

Matt (02:19:23):

They go to the police station and they’re like, Hey, so okay, we chase the bad guy here. We got him. We’ve taken him to the police station. Arrest him please. They’re like, arrest him on what charges? And they’re like, no, we have lots of, well, we had evidence, but then they destroyed the evidence. And I like, yay Abdul. He’s like, listen, you’re not cops. Even if you were cops, what you just did all of that, that was illegal. That wouldn’t be admissible. And I like that the rock is like, well then it’s a good thing we’re not cops because it wasn’t illegal. But then just another, you’re lifeguards. You’re just supposed to guard the

Laci (02:19:58):

Beach. Yeah, there is a lot of this. Okay, there’s a real tension here. And

Matt (02:20:03):

Captain Thorpe comes in and he’s like, goddammit, if you just be lifeguards from now on, if you keep trying to investigate this case, I’ll fire you. Yes sir. Okay, we’ll be good lifeguards. But the next scene is them immediately going back to investigating the case. Terry has got his Jeff’s hat on.

Laci (02:20:20):

Yeah. Dip at least put a rat under it. Go full chef. But Zach Efron is, he’s kind of pretty, he goes, full lady. What are they fucking doing though? In the Huntley? They’re on the hunt,

Matt (02:20:38):

They’re spying on her yacht and they see there’s always scuba divers mysteriously on the back of her boat. And there’s barrels of hunt of whatever fish brand this is. So let’s go investigate the fish factory.

Laci (02:20:49):

But three different times. The rock makes sure to let you know what kind of fish they do use at the hunt lead. So say how it is weird that they are also using barrels of this other brand. He’s so plugged into the community that he knows who the fish dealers are and who the Flocka dealers are.

Speaker 8 (02:21:05):

He’s like, this isn’t a fish monger. They get this stuff from

Laci (02:21:08):

Right. They’re really fucking over Felipe.

Speaker 8 (02:21:12):

Yeah, Henry or something, whatever it is.

Laci (02:21:15):

Whatever. Something. Felipe Henry, everyone knows him.

Matt (02:21:18):

They put on disguises, they put on a chef’s hat and Zach Effron dresses as a woman. And it’s like, so now this is a French farce from the eighties. Okay, that’s what this movie is now. And they immediately see like, oh look, drugs, they’re dealing drugs now. We know for sure they’re doing drugs. They call up, they call up the cop and they’re like, Hey, come down quickly. You’ll see the drugs. And he’s like, no, a body just washed up on shore with a shark bite and you’re not here. And then his boss comes and he’s like, where are you Mitch? Goddammit, come to my office so I can yell at you.

Laci (02:21:50):

Well then I can’t go help with the body.

Matt (02:21:53):

He’s yelling at you. Why weren’t you on the beach when a fucking body with a shark bite washed up to shore? He’s

Laci (02:21:58):

Got to take a break.

Matt (02:21:59):

But he wasn’t in scheduled break time. So the six lifeguards are all at the police headquarters or the lifeguard headquarters and Captain Thorpe is yelling at them and he’s like, you abandon your post. You’re fired. I’m putting Brody in charge.

Laci (02:22:13):

Well now there’s only five of them. Now they’re really going to have some dead bodies.

Matt (02:22:17):

Now they’re going to have to do more tryouts. Run that whole thing back

Laci (02:22:20):

Or just get number four, bring them in. Right? Whoever

Matt (02:22:23):

Was

Laci (02:22:24):

Fourth place, I guess you can do that. Keep the files. You keep the files. This is why you do

Matt (02:22:29):

That. But Mitch is like, no, Stephanie should be in charge. And he’s like, who? And he’s like the one with sort of the least characterization of these lifeguards.

Laci (02:22:36):

She’s got the clipboard, that’s her personality clipboard.

Matt (02:22:40):

And Brody’s like, no, I don’t want the position. But Thorpe is like, if you don’t take this position, I’ll fuck up your probation. He’s like, well, I guess I have to. But the other lifeguards are mad at Brody because they don’t know about this probation thing. And he’s like, guys, I didn’t have a choice. And it’s like, you always have a choice.

Laci (02:22:54):

Just tell him about the probation.

Matt (02:22:56):

No, I can’t. I can’t get into that.

Laci (02:22:59):

Mitch knows about it.

Matt (02:23:00):

So Mitch hands, Brody his key chain. It’s my keys to the lifeguard tower. My mentor gave this to me. And the key chain is

Laci (02:23:06):

My mentor has a picture of himself on his key chain,

Matt (02:23:10):

Which I assume this key chain is an actual Baywatch piece of Mer. You could have gotten looks because it’s the shape of the rescue can and a promotional

Laci (02:23:18):

Still, it looks of an asshole. It looks, yeah, with the little plastic cover. It looks vary from the time,

Matt (02:23:26):

But it’s a new era at the beach. Mitch immediately gets a job at a sprint store. I don’t know how much time is supposed to have passed, but when it’s like

Laci (02:23:33):

He’s a doer.

Matt (02:23:34):

Yeah, I guess so. But it’s like how much time is left in this movie? And now we’re entering this phase.

Speaker 8 (02:23:41):

There’s still like 45 minutes, 30, 45 minutes left. At this point,

Matt (02:23:45):

He’s giving a pitch, a sales pitch to people at the sprint store, and then he gets interrupted by David Hasselhoff and the old Baywatch theme plays. And this is, so David Hasselhoff is like, I’m here to remind you who you are. The beach needs you. It is. So

Laci (02:24:00):

See, it speaks to him. He is Moana.

Matt (02:24:03):

Yeah. The water speaks to him,

Laci (02:24:04):

But

Matt (02:24:06):

I don’t know if this is shot so awkwardly. I don’t know if they were never physically in the same location.

Laci (02:24:11):

Even in the end when they have the Coronas,

Matt (02:24:14):

Not that I’m saying this part in the sprint store.

Laci (02:24:17):

They’re like, what do both of you have in your town right now? A sprint store. Okay, great. Mitch, you’re going to work at the Sprint store. For some reason in this movie, we got to get has off,

Matt (02:24:24):

Because the screenshot I have right here is the only time you see them both in the frame at the same time. But I don’t know. It was so weird. Yeah, so yeah. Oh, we got the David Hasselhoff

Laci (02:24:35):

Cat. It says Samsung on the wall.

Matt (02:24:37):

Okay,

Laci (02:24:39):

There you go. It looks nondescript otherwise. So I thought it was just like a fake made up phone store. But I guess it is a phone store.

Matt (02:24:44):

No, he’s wearing a sprint shirt.

Laci (02:24:45):

Is he alright?

Matt (02:24:48):

Meanwhile, Brody’s like he’s in charge of the beach and he’s like, oh my God, I see the crime’s going on at the beach. Mitch was right several times in the movie. He’s like, Mitch was right. Who? Yeah, I know. You keep saying that.

Laci (02:25:00):

He’s good at his job

Matt (02:25:02):

And he steals. He goes to the cop LRB and steals some files and the files have the

Laci (02:25:08):

Cause death on

Matt (02:25:10):

The pictures of Hannibal Burris’s dead body and his shark bites.

Laci (02:25:13):

What do you notice here? Stabs. Fish could have knives. Shark could have knives. I’m just saying

Matt (02:25:21):

Sawfish. Swordfish.

Laci (02:25:23):

There you go. Could have been an alligator, Gar. Stab, stab, stab than a shark.

Matt (02:25:28):

Didn’t even think of that. Ron even looks at it and he’s like, oh my god, that’s my best friend. I think his name is Dave. Yeah.

Laci (02:25:37):

Yeah. He did say he was doing stuff at the Huntley Stab stuff.

Matt (02:25:40):

We could do tech stuff together, tech stuff. Back in our tech stuff. Days

Laci (02:25:44):

When I completely left that behind, which that probably paid pretty good, but now I do this.

Matt (02:25:48):

Now I’m a lifeguard. So Oh, you do tech stuff. Well maybe you can help me out. So this thus begins like a 20 minute stretch that the rock is not in. The rock is no longer on screen.

Laci (02:26:03):

He’s preparing for the fact that he, well, he’s barfing from the fact that he kissed that woman.

Matt (02:26:08):

And Zach Efron is the lead of the movie. And I really think the movie’s humming at this point. He has the comic energy that this movie needs. He’s like, okay, here you can help me hack into the mainframe. Good, great. Because as much as I know about laptops, I don’t know anything about computers. And he’s very funny. He’s like, we’ll just plug in a flash drive and we’ll steal her cookies. Then bam, over the firewall, oh, the fire. But here his dumb assness comes back. Ronnie’s like, Ooh, it’s good. I’ve hacked in. We got a lot of dirt now. And Zach Efron’s like dirt. What good is dirt going to do? And he’s like evidence. He’s like, oh, evidence. Evidence is great.

Laci (02:26:46):

It’s just weird. This is odd combo.

Matt (02:26:50):

So he calls a meeting at the beach, a bonfire meeting of all the remaining five lifeguards. He’s like, guys, it’s this woman leads. She’s buying everybody out and she’s blackmailing the people who aren’t playing ball. She wants to make the whole bay private. The only holdout is this guy Chen, this businessman named Chen. But Chen hasn’t been seen for days. I got a hunch. He’s being held hostage at their yacht where it just so happens that there is a giant party happening on their yacht right now. So tonight we’re going to go over to that yacht party.

Laci (02:27:22):

It’s like you could have called us in advance and said that we should put on makeup and yacht clothes. We’re already at the fucking beach. Now we got to go home, get your As.

Matt (02:27:30):

How much time is that going to take?

Laci (02:27:32):

When do they sleep? They need some flocka. Maybe they’re all taking the flocker.

Speaker 8 (02:27:35):

I think that’s it. I think that’s imp implied. There’s a dirty undercurrent of Flocka going underneath all of these characters just flowing through their

Laci (02:27:43):

Bloodstream. It has to be.

Speaker 8 (02:27:44):

And I don’t like it.

Laci (02:27:45):

The work schedule is just, it’s too high. They all look amazing. They’re all in gold and blue. They look beautiful.

Matt (02:27:54):

And this is where there’s a bunch of Michael Bay slow motion shots of people walking in formation that are all really cool. But it is when they arrive at this yacht party with Zach Efron in the middle where I thought he should have just been Mitch from the beginning. The movie would function so much better.

Laci (02:28:11):

Who would be Prody?

Matt (02:28:11):

Zach Efron. Oh, I don’t know. It’s somebody

Laci (02:28:13):

Else. Zach

Matt (02:28:14):

Zaffron. Dave Franco.

Laci (02:28:15):

No, you. That Jonas brother you love.

Matt (02:28:17):

Oh, he sucks.

Speaker 8 (02:28:19):

Which one? Kevin or Nick or Joe?

Matt (02:28:22):

Nick. We just did Jumanji. Welcome to the jungle. And he’s in that And he sucks. He’s so bad. He’s fine.

Speaker 8 (02:28:29):

Oh four. One thing, I think we passed over a little bit. Now that it’s seeing, this picture reminds me Ronnie’s dance moves at the other party. We didn’t talk about that at all. Fuck

Laci (02:28:40):

No, we didn’t. And I meant because the movie plays them, like they’re mind blowing and they are so awkward and uncomfortable work. And I know it’s supposed to be a bit of both. He’s right. But there’s a way to do it. I don’t understand what they’re seeing. Does it work for you,

Speaker 8 (02:28:59):

Caleb? No. I thought it was horrible and not even funny. Doesn’t have the face.

Laci (02:29:02):

It’s not even,

Speaker 8 (02:29:04):

He doesn’t have the charisma for it.

Laci (02:29:05):

No, no. He’s known Napoleon Dynamite. There’s a way to funny, awkward dance. And he’s just pulling

Speaker 8 (02:29:13):

Mike Myers in Austin Powers.

Laci (02:29:15):

Yes. Or

Speaker 8 (02:29:16):

Is that Wayne?

Laci (02:29:17):

Excuse? Yes. Or Seth, I guess. Seth Rogan. Yeah. With the dice move. Just point out that you’re not good at it, but

Matt (02:29:24):

Well, no, I think the joke that they’re trying to go for is like, this guy’s fat, but he’s really confident when he dances. I know. That’s

Laci (02:29:30):

What they, and that’s hilarious. Right? But then they should teach him how to dance. He doesn’t even have rhythm. He’s not even doing it to the beat it all. Like start, stop, start, stop, stop. It’s not fluid. It’s aggressive and it seems like it’s building to something. But his shittiest move is at the end. I’m like,

Matt (02:29:45):

What? Because I don’t understand dancing at all. I had no idea whether this was supposed to be good, bad, funny, anything. I don’t know. When I see dancing on screen, I just have to be like, Laci, what does this mean?

Laci (02:29:57):

They are playing it and everyone in the crowd is playing it. This is something like awe inspiring and it’s so basic and boring and weird.

Matt (02:30:06):

Okay.

Laci (02:30:06):

Alright. Thank you for Thank you, Caleb. We would’ve been remiss.

Matt (02:30:12):

I’d hate to be Remi.

Speaker 8 (02:30:13):

We had to get it.

Matt (02:30:14):

So where are we? Oh, so they go to the party and Zaffron dives under the boat. He’s like, I think the drugs are under the boat.

Laci (02:30:21):

Let’s hope so. You’ve already dived under it.

Matt (02:30:23):

And there’s so much footage of barnacles on the bottom of the boat. And Laci was just freaking out.

Laci (02:30:28):

Have try. I can’t, can’t see a barn.

Matt (02:30:31):

And she kept saying, Matt, tell me when the barnacles are no longer on screen. Matt tell me. And I’m like, yeah, I’m going to tell you they

Laci (02:30:37):

Wouldn’t go away. It was too long. And I’m like, okay, well are there drugs? At least tell me what else is happening. I couldn’t see it. Barnacles are fucking disgusting.

Matt (02:30:45):

But he finds there’s a giant compartment of flocka under the boat. He’s

Laci (02:30:49):

Going to get wet.

Matt (02:30:50):

Goes back up and the others go. They go. They find that businessman Chen, he’s being held hostage on the boat. We need to get in touch with Mitch, but we can’t find him anywhere. I know. Get him on the cb. Presumably that’s what they did.

Laci (02:31:04):

They don’t really say,

Matt (02:31:05):

You

Laci (02:31:05):

Don’t ever see him accepting the call. He just shows up.

Matt (02:31:09):

But the goons, they capture Brody while the others are getting Chen off the boat and then

Laci (02:31:14):

Put him in a cage.

Matt (02:31:16):

Leads the bad bond villain lady gets on another boat, puts Brody in a cage. So there’s a second boat. There’s also a fireworks platform.

Laci (02:31:25):

Plenty of boats. Yeah.

Matt (02:31:26):

This is a little confusing. Just,

Laci (02:31:29):

Well, I guess they’re on the fireworks platform

Matt (02:31:31):

Logistically.

Speaker 8 (02:31:32):

Yeah. What day is this supposed to be? Why is there a firework?

Laci (02:31:36):

Why is there a fireworks? Is this a Tuesday and the Huntley just gets down like this? I don’t understand. There

Speaker 8 (02:31:42):

Are a lot of questions. I went through this movie where I was like, was I not paying enough attention? Or did they just never tell me? And this was one of them. Why is right? It’s not a grand opening. Why? There’s elaborate fourth elaborate fireworks.

Laci (02:31:53):

Why celebrating? No, this is every night

Matt (02:31:55):

At that. But this is because I watched this movie twice in 16 hours. I’m like, well, yeah, this is the part where they go in the fireworks platform and they shoot the fireworks off and it gets the fireworks right in time. So the things that are bad about the movie, I don’t see anymore. And I’m just like, oh, this thing’s firing on all cylinders at this point.

Laci (02:32:10):

I do like a firework used as a weapon. I do like it.

Speaker 8 (02:32:14):

You know what other smash hit used fireworks as a weapon to end the movie. Mme. Webb, if you ever saw that.

Laci (02:32:20):

Oh, never seen it.

Matt (02:32:21):

I think I would like to show Mme. Webb to Laci. I was thinking maybe we could do a Patreon so bad,

Laci (02:32:30):

But

Matt (02:32:31):

In such a special way.

Laci (02:32:33):

Okay. Yeah. I love that kind of bag.

Speaker 8 (02:32:35):

It’s out of control. Laci. There’s a three minute continuous scene where Dakota Johnson holds a Pepsi and does not open

Matt (02:32:41):

It. Yes, it’s magical.

Speaker 8 (02:32:43):

She just holds

Matt (02:32:43):

It. She just seems so confused by what to do with a Pepsi can just, not a human being, but she can’t call attention to, it’s just moving it around, spinning it. But I think that’s just Dakota Johnson, just third generation Hollywood royalty has never touched a canned to beverage in her life and doesn’t know

Laci (02:33:03):

What she’s inbred. She

Speaker 8 (02:33:06):

Has the half dark chin. Why has no one poured this into a glass for me yet?

Laci (02:33:11):

Where’s the man that comes with this? And the

Matt (02:33:14):

Tray? Pepsi comes with a man, right?

Laci (02:33:17):

Well, there’s tray’s missing from this. Can

Matt (02:33:20):

Dakota Johnson legit, I feel like is a psyop. I feel like my whole, for 10 years I’ve been hearing about Dakota Johnson and how incredible she is. And I’m like her. Anyway. Can’t get into

Laci (02:33:32):

It. Is she in Twilight?

Matt (02:33:33):

No.

Laci (02:33:34):

No. That’s a fanning.

Speaker 8 (02:33:35):

No, she’s in 50 Shade to Gray. That’s her breakout. She’s in this movie called How to Be Single. She’s in 50. You ever see Social Network?

Laci (02:33:48):

She’s in one scene. No, I remember in the beginning where she breaks up. No,

Matt (02:33:51):

That’s Rooney Mara.

Laci (02:33:52):

No, it’s

Speaker 8 (02:33:53):

Not

Matt (02:33:53):

Another eighth generation heiress.

Speaker 8 (02:33:56):

There’s a, the scene where Sean Parker has sex with her and she’s like, gets up to go to the bathroom and he’s like, can I see the face? Can I see your computer? That’s her.

Matt (02:34:06):

And he’s like, Dakota Johnson, there’s a snake in your apartment. She’s like, what? That’s her scene. She really pops.

Speaker 8 (02:34:14):

Wow.

Matt (02:34:14):

So

Speaker 8 (02:34:15):

She was a materialist as well this summer, which was certainly a fine movie.

Laci (02:34:20):

People liked it, I thought, alright.

Speaker 8 (02:34:23):

Yeah, it was pretty good.

Matt (02:34:25):

Brody gets dumped in a cage in the ocean and he’s going to drown, but he looks up and he sees an angel comes down to give him the underwater kiss. Can you give somebody an underwater

Laci (02:34:34):

Breast? Are they sure. Do fucking make it look like you can. I only ever seen it in hook.

Matt (02:34:38):

Yeah, I meant to look that up. Is that a real thing you could do?

Laci (02:34:41):

I mean, maybe had a little pump. Give him a little something. Give a little exercise. I know you can have a tiny, the same thing you have if you’re a snorkeler or a scuba diver, I mean, but it’s just a little one. Just get in that mouth. But the mouth’s going to be full of water. You shove the water, fuck it, whatever. I

Matt (02:35:00):

Don’t know.

Laci (02:35:01):

He’s saved by the rock and he’s making out with the rock.

Matt (02:35:05):

But in his vision, it’s summer.

Laci (02:35:08):

Summer,

Matt (02:35:08):

But then he opens, Mitch, you, oh my God, you kissed

Laci (02:35:12):

Me, you homo, you kissed the shit on me to save my life.

Matt (02:35:15):

But then he pulls him up and he’s like, oh, Mitch, you’re back in the movie. He’s like, that’s right. I am here I am. Okay, let’s go do the thing. So they

Laci (02:35:23):

Time for a firework death.

Matt (02:35:25):

Go to the fireworks platform, which is where the bad guys are. And Mitch is like, Hey Brody, watch out for urchins. And he’s like, what? The ones that kill you, keep that in your back pocket. Everybody keep dead. You’re going to need to know that in about a minute. Leads the bond villainous. She shoots the rock in the shoulder and he goes overboard. And then she’s about to shoot Zach Aron dead. But then the rock comes back and he’s like, oh, don’t do it. Don’t do that. Yeah. And he’s like, but I thought you were dead. And he starts, I don’t know. We’re cutting back and forth between them and Ronnie, who’s now doing tech stuff. He’s learned how to hack into the fireworks mainframe,

Laci (02:36:00):

Which just looks like a switchboard.

Matt (02:36:02):

And CJ’s like, you can do it. You’re so sexy. I know you can do tech stuff,

Laci (02:36:06):

But the switchboard is a big thing in the show. They call it the octopus.

Matt (02:36:09):

Wait, is it true?

Laci (02:36:10):

And so I just wonder if it’s a callback. Yeah. In the show, I mean the one fucking episode I saw, and then someone’s learning how to do the octopus. Now I see why they call this the octopus.

Matt (02:36:20):

Maybe it was a tribute to the

Laci (02:36:22):

Octopus. I think it’s right.

Matt (02:36:24):

Anyway, they turn on the fireworks and the rock picks up a giant rocket launcher and shoots a firework at

Laci (02:36:30):

Her. All the fireworks. Wait, he does say something kind of funny.

Matt (02:36:34):

Yeah. He starts giving a weird speech about, I’m the master of the ocean. I piss saltwater and I jack off a whale’s ball sack. And she’s like, huh? And then he shoots her with fireworks.

Laci (02:36:44):

And then he is like, I’m not weird. I took an urchin.

Matt (02:36:47):

Yeah. He’s like, I’m high as shit right now on urchin venom. Oh my God, I’m going to die. But they keep the booster shot to revive you.

Laci (02:36:57):

Yeah. You get a booster when you turn three and when you get an urchin in you booster. Yeah, you get a little booster.

Matt (02:37:02):

I got to go for that booster.

Laci (02:37:04):

Or you die of an urchin.

Matt (02:37:05):

Victoria’s severed leg falls onto Zach Efron and he’s like, Ew, gross. At this point, the whole crew is together. And this is when I start thinking, God help me. I’m really afraid I like this movie now. I like

Laci (02:37:18):

I was afraid.

Matt (02:37:19):

I like all these people together.

Laci (02:37:21):

I do too.

Matt (02:37:21):

I like how stupid this is. There’s severed limbs falling everywhere. They’re shooting each other with fireworks. I would like to see them in a sequel directed by a competent man.

Laci (02:37:31):

Yeah, I’d fuck with that.

Matt (02:37:35):

And then yay, Abdul Matine returns and he’s like, guys, I’m sorry. I should have believed you. You’re worthy of being cops or something. He could be on the team in the sequel. And then the Real Re by the Slay Bells is playing and I love that song and I’m like, oh my God, I like this movie now. And we’re going to get a montage of them all running on the beaches this place. But then it abruptly cuts to Ronnie waking up naked on a sofa and then CJ comes out and she’s like, Hey baby, you made me come like 70 times last night,

Laci (02:38:05):

ISN that.

Matt (02:38:06):

And he’s like, oh, I did okay.

Laci (02:38:08):

It was my dick.

Matt (02:38:09):

And she’s like, do you want to eat bacon for breakfast? And he’s like, yeah

Laci (02:38:13):

Guys, I did not notice this. Why is the rock only one wearing shoes in this scene?

Matt (02:38:18):

What the hell?

Laci (02:38:19):

I just assumed those were lifeguard shoes. Is he one of those freaks that won’t not wear shoes?

Matt (02:38:24):

He’s a never feet. No, we’ve seen him barefoot in this movie.

Laci (02:38:28):

We’ve seen someone take a shot of his toes as if they were in flip flops. He might have a foot double, he might have fungus.

Matt (02:38:34):

If you look carefully, you notice you never see the rock’s feet.

Laci (02:38:37):

Look how dummy looks. Yay. I’m in a shoot. Look at his face.

Speaker 8 (02:38:42):

Are they like water socks or something, baby?

Laci (02:38:45):

No, they’re like Canvas. They’re like Bobs.

Matt (02:38:48):

I don’t know about

Laci (02:38:48):

Them. Tom’s, whatever they’re called

Matt (02:38:50):

Tom’s water.

Laci (02:38:52):

No, Matt, can you just go?

Matt (02:38:54):

You’re the one stopping everything. Oh my God. Yeah. So yeah, you fucked me real good. Now let’s eat breakfast. He’s like, I can’t believe my wife. The team assembles it. The lunch spot the rock is like, guys, congratulations. You’re no longer trainees. You’re just regular old lifeguards. And they’re like, yay. And let me introduce you to our new captain over from our Hawaii unit. It’s Pamela Anderson.

Laci (02:39:16):

Literally doesn’t say anything. Don’t give her a along thing. Was it

Speaker 8 (02:39:19):

Really her? That’s the question, but was it like she’s filmed on her own one day and it’s just a screen, right? She’s in the

Matt (02:39:27):

Shot. She’s a

Laci (02:39:27):

Hologram.

Matt (02:39:28):

I think she looks great and you don’t have to say she’s incredible just walking like that and everybody’s like, oh my God, she’s really walking in slow motion. It’s just acting is not just saying things. It’s having physical presence. And she does.

Speaker 8 (02:39:45):

She does. Oh, and she has

Matt (02:39:45):

Presence. Yeah. And now just one last slow motion shot of everybody running in slow motion and then Zach Efron trips and they help him up and

Laci (02:39:55):

That’ss that. See, at least it’s not Ronnie.

Matt (02:39:58):

I agree. And just like that Zach Efron movie, that awkward Moment, we end with bloopers

Laci (02:40:03):

Because I think you have to, if you have Zach Efron in the movie, they’re like, look, no, he’s actually funny guys. Look what he’s doing

Matt (02:40:10):

Where there’s also David Hasselhoff, Dwayne Johnson drinking beers together and Hasselhoff is like, why couldn’t I play Mitch and the Rock’s like you will get to in the sequel, this movie was so certain it was going to have a sequel.

Laci (02:40:23):

He still can because of this podcast. We’re reviving it. We’re giving it, we’re patting it on the back. We’re patting on the back. We’re going to get that object out of there and it’s going to live again.

Matt (02:40:35):

But Baywatch was so, it was the most watched TV show of the nineties due to the weird syndication thing and it just being a giant international hit. I read there’s always a Baywatch something or other in the works. Whoever owns Baywatch has to be like, we have to utilize this asset. We have, I don’t know how, but we have not seen the last of Baywatch,

Speaker 3 (02:40:55):

All the old cast back.

Matt (02:41:14):

So it’s time now for our final thoughts. I was looking at letterbox and all of my mutuals and people who like every movie hate this. No one likes this movie. Laci and I are the biggest fans of this movie. They

Laci (02:41:26):

Can’t see the good movie inside the bad one.

Matt (02:41:30):

I’m going to go with two and a half stars, a grudging, two and a half stars because I feel like a Stockholm Syndrome I’m starting to be won over by my captors is not a well-made movie at all. It’s directed very incompetently. I think The Rock is a bad fit for the material, but he still has his fucking the rock charm.

Laci (02:41:49):

You still want to hang out with him.

Matt (02:41:50):

And I think the rest of the cast is pretty delightful.

Laci (02:41:53):

Yeah,

Matt (02:41:55):

So two and a half stars approaching three. I almost like this movie.

Laci (02:42:00):

I gave it three. I wouldn’t recommend it, but I wouldn’t laugh at you for liking it. I kind of like it too. Yeah. Caleb. Caleb,

Speaker 8 (02:42:11):

I think this might be the only time in history. I’m going lower than you. Wow. This is two stars. I really didn’t like it. And it’s Ronnie in the Rock are throwing me off. Man, those two are so bad. Ronnie is troubling. If Efron is leading this movie, to your point,

Matt (02:42:27):

It’s

Speaker 8 (02:42:27):

Fine. Yes. He’s a quite talented communicator

Matt (02:42:30):

And his comic persona is exactly what this movie could need. It could be a pretty straightforward action movie, but with a fun, funny guy at the center.

Laci (02:42:41):

You’re so right. Channing Tatum.

Matt (02:42:44):

Channing Tatum. Yeah. There’s your ideal vote.

Laci (02:42:46):

Yes. And of course, the whole time I was thinking, well, we can’t put Jonah Hill as the guy in CH one Jump Street, but when you all said we could put both, I was like, hell yeah. Now you got a movie. Just do it. Just do it.

Speaker 8 (02:43:00):

There’s Channing Tan is a good example, but another person that could do it is Jake Johnson. I think you just need someone who is an overconfident like, oh, we just do this. Like, how do you do this? You fail the time. Everything’s blowing up. And he’s like, but it just works out

Laci (02:43:13):

Like John Ham.

Speaker 8 (02:43:14):

Ham also could do it. He did his own version of this by reviving Fletch, which is good.

Laci (02:43:20):

Who did this?

Speaker 8 (02:43:20):

John Ham Fletch. That’s the kind of person I’m thinking of.

Laci (02:43:26):

See, I named a person,

Speaker 8 (02:43:27):

But Laci, that performance is the type of role.

Laci (02:43:30):

Yeah. Yes.

Speaker 8 (02:43:31):

Yeah, that’s a good call.

Laci (02:43:33):

I did it. You see how much Caleb celebrated me? Yes. And you passed it right by. Can we get married after this marriage? Caleb, how are you feeling about

Matt (02:43:41):

That When this one’s over?

Laci (02:43:42):

Yeah, when this one after it’s a normal amount of time has passed,

Matt (02:43:46):

Just call me. Just call me.

Laci (02:43:46):

Okay. Alright. Caleb said yes.

Matt (02:43:48):

Caleb said yes. Thank you for

Laci (02:43:50):

Us, it’s good to have a backup.

Matt (02:43:52):

I think once again, our episode has gone over the running time of the movie that we’re discussing,

Laci (02:43:56):

Which is hard to do with this movie actually,

Matt (02:43:58):

Even though this is a long movie and we haven’t even done the history segment yet. But Caleb, thank you for spending so much time with us and watching this movie that you don’t like.

Speaker 8 (02:44:06):

It’s okay. I tried. I tried my best. I’ll be back whenever you guys do the next Efron.

Laci (02:44:12):

Just all Efron please. I like Efron. I do. I like them too. Let, let’s do Neighbors do

Speaker 8 (02:44:16):

It again. We’ll probably do bicycle musical.

Laci (02:44:19):

Oh, I have seen it. So he can sing too.

Speaker 8 (02:44:20):

The other one that I think would be good for this is Mike and Dave need wedding dates. It has Adam Divine and

Laci (02:44:28):

He is a I

Speaker 8 (02:44:29):

Love Hit or miss for people. Yeah, mostly miss for

Matt (02:44:32):

Me.

Laci (02:44:32):

Oh, I like him a lot.

Matt (02:44:35):

I like him in Righteous Gemstones.

Laci (02:44:36):

I mean he’s one note, but that note is so good. I like him in Workaholic. Is it Workaholics?

Speaker 8 (02:44:41):

Yeah, it’s Workaholics.

Laci (02:44:42):

Yeah,

Speaker 8 (02:44:42):

He’s playing right into that note And Mike and Dave need wedding dates.

Laci (02:44:47):

He really doesn’t have range, but I don’t think he needs it.

Matt (02:44:51):

You say Mike and Dave need wedding dates and I think, isn’t that like an Adam Sandler movie from like oh two? But it’s

Laci (02:44:57):

You’re thinking of Mike and Molly.

Matt (02:44:59):

I don’t know what I’m thinking of.

Laci (02:45:00):

I’m kidding. Jack and Jill,

Matt (02:45:02):

Maybe I am thinking of Jack and

Laci (02:45:03):

June. You just say two names and Matt’s like,

Matt (02:45:05):

Oh no. The one with Kevin James and Adam Sandler where they pretend like they’re mall

Laci (02:45:09):

Cops,

Matt (02:45:09):

Like they’re gay.

Laci (02:45:10):

Oh, Chuck and Larry.

Matt (02:45:12):

Now I pronounce it Larry. That’s I’m thinking

Laci (02:45:14):

Of. Yeah, don’t put two names and June don’t do it.

Matt (02:45:18):

Caleb is love that. Is there anything, final thoughts? Do you have anything to plug? Anything you’d like to

Laci (02:45:23):

Butt plugs?

Matt (02:45:24):

Stop doing that to Caleb.

Speaker 8 (02:45:26):

Caleb, go see the new Naked Gun.

Matt (02:45:30):

Yes. If

Speaker 8 (02:45:30):

You haven’t seen it yet, you want to. I want to So bad with

Matt (02:45:32):

Pamela Anderson.

Speaker 8 (02:45:33):

It’s incredible.

Matt (02:45:34):

She’s having a moment.

Speaker 8 (02:45:35):

It’s a tight 85. You’re in and out and the Lonely Island guys don’t miss, so I didn’t even know they were involved. Takeaway. Yeah, one of ’em Akiva directed.

Matt (02:45:48):

Oh, okay. Yeah. I’m excited to see that movie. I don’t know when. I might have

Laci (02:45:52):

To wait this. You’re not going to see it without me. No. We will go during a school day next week. How about that?

Matt (02:45:59):

Hell yeah.

Laci (02:45:59):

Fuck yes. We keep forgetting. We have time now.

Matt (02:46:03):

Time enough at last. Alright, check out us. Check us out on YouTube and all that. Give us a review on iTunes slash Apple Podcast Five stars please. And type something. Just say, I like this podcast.

Laci (02:46:16):

That’s all you have to do. You got to to

Matt (02:46:17):

Type something, don’t all stars you have to do. Just type something.

Laci (02:46:19):

Yes. Go to TikTok like and subscribe, whatever the fuck it is you do. But also just do what we are saying here. If you’ve already listened to this point and you have goodness a review, what are you doing?

Matt (02:46:28):

If you don’t know what to say, chat. GPT will tell you next week, just say hi. Yeah. It can literally be Hi. Next week the summer of Rock continues. We are in the section of the Rock’s career. We are calling the fall. The rock is in a hard place.

Laci (02:46:40):

You keep saying that it’s going to happen and I just keep liking him

Matt (02:46:44):

And next week we’re talking Hobbes and Shaw.

Laci (02:46:46):

The Tooth Fairy is the only one

Matt (02:46:47):

And this one is a big commercial success, I think. No, it was disappointments. Hobbs and Shaw was it. I think internationally it made money, but it wasn’t a fast and furious level hit and they intended it to launch its own spinoff franchise.

Laci (02:47:04):

Do those guys like each other in real life? I need to know that.

Matt (02:47:06):

I think that these guys are good together and they have fun, so let’s put ’em together

Laci (02:47:11):

And we need another bald guy because Vin Diesel sold does not rock and rock doesn’t like him, so we need to put another shiny head.

Speaker 8 (02:47:17):

Yeah, it was pretty big. Matt, I’ll just check the numbers. 1 75 domestic, which is not that great, but almost 600 million internationally.

Matt (02:47:29):

Wow. They would kill for that number today. That was pre COVID?

Speaker 8 (02:47:34):

Yeah, it did seven 60 million. It was the universal highest grossing film of the year

Matt (02:47:38):

He did seven 60 popular

Laci (02:47:42):

Movie.

Matt (02:47:44):

I’m on letterbox at Matt Stokes nine. Lac is on letterbox at Load bearing Laci,

Laci (02:47:48):

My

Matt (02:47:49):

Band is Rural Route Nine. Our music is the Joy of Averages. Check us out please.

Laci (02:47:53):

Okay. You’re the rock. Goodbye. That is

Matt (02:47:54):

Pete.

Laci (02:47:55):

Love you. Goodbye. You’re rock.

Matt (02:47:57):

Yes,

Laci (02:47:57):

You’re the rock. You rock. Bye, Caleb.