Tooth Fairy (2010)

00:01:22:02 – 00:01:35:19

Matt

Oh, what an interesting start. Oh, I guess we’ll just start there. Let’s start with me going: “Oh.” Yeah. Load Bearing Beams: Summer of Rock. Welcome. Yeah. Well, let’s move on.

00:01:35:20 – 00:01:38:0648:

Laci

Like, we just go to the next movie?

00:01:38:08 – 00:01:39:09

Matt

I’m Matt Stokes.

00:01:39:09 – 00:01:40:03

Laci

I’m Laci Roth.

00:01:40:03 – 00:01:49:23

Matt

This is Load Bearing Beams, a movie podcast where we normally cover a movie that we are nostalgic about. Except it’s the summer. We do something different. It’s the Summer of Rock, the summer of Dwayne Johnson’s films.

00:01:50:03 – 00:01:54:15

Laci

People like a theme. We’re doing a theme. Things are easier for us in the summertime. People like them.

00:01:54:15 – 00:02:04:03

Matt

And let me ask you this, Laci, you said that you look forward to it getting to know the Rock better as the summer goes along. You liked last summer really getting to dig in on Steven Spielberg.

00:02:04:03 – 00:02:21:15

Laci

He had some some juicy brains. No, no, he had, he had some, some shit going on in his life. That’s an interesting I really do. Yeah, I and the more I learned about him, the more the movies were informed and the more I felt like I knew the fuck I was talking about, which is a nice change for me.

00:02:21:20 – 00:02:33:22

Matt

And obviously Dwayne Johnson, an actor, not a director, but he does have a lot of control over his movies, less so in the portion of the career we’re talking about now. But we’re we’re really, I don’t know, trying to take a different approach. Do you feel like you’re getting to know the man better?

00:02:33:22 – 00:02:46:08

Laci

I do, and I like that. We’re following his wrestling career and his personal life as as the history segment, along side the movies that it helps me check in. It helps me decide how I’m feeling about the Rock. And so far, I still really like him.

00:02:46:10 – 00:03:16:18

Matt

Yeah, and the main part of his wrestling career is done, although he will have more, he’ll always be tied to it and he will have some pretty big runs coming up. But we are now at the point where, so we jumped ahead three years, we stopped, we did the rundown, which was a, you know, a decent woman at the box office, but a delightful movie that was really love, love and was, you know, presents a sort of path not taken both because that movie didn’t succeed and just the world had moved on from having an appetite for movies like those adventure movies, classic throwback action movies.

00:03:16:19 – 00:03:20:12

Laci

It doesn’t sound like he wouldn’t have taken it just sounds like path not provided.

00:03:20:14 – 00:03:27:02

Matt

That’s that’s no, that’s what I mean. That’s what I mean. And and we jump ahead seven years and in the history I.

00:03:27:02 – 00:03:27:14

Laci

Did not know.

00:03:27:14 – 00:03:37:08

Matt

We jump seven. We’ll be covering everything that happened there. But it is really jarring now to go to Tooth Fairy, not the tooth fairy. Tooth fairy. Thank you.

00:03:37:13 – 00:03:39:12

Laci

The Tooth Fairy is a scary movie.

00:03:39:14 – 00:03:47:19

Matt

I found out, I think the third or fourth family movie he did to varying degrees of financial success. The only thing he was able to succeed at in terms of.

00:03:48:01 – 00:03:51:08

Laci

So what did we skip over now? We skipped over like all the bombs.

00:03:51:10 – 00:03:59:09

Matt

We skipped over Walking Tall, Be Cool, Southland Tales, Gridiron Gang, The Game Plan.

00:03:59:11 – 00:04:11:21

Laci

But I mean, what is your strategy? I guess, I guess I know what we skipped over, but like, okay, like, we don’t want to do movies where he’s like, not the lead because I think we don’t get enough to talk about with him specifically, so I understand Be Cool, I understand Get Smart.

00:04:11:21 – 00:04:23:10

Matt

Right. But, well, one what what’s going to make good episodes and when you know, a variety and things that represent different, different areas of his career.

00:04:23:10 – 00:04:31:06

Laci

And we’re still manning him, right? We’re we’re putting out the hits. We’re not just trying to talk shit about the the known bombs.

00:04:31:10 – 00:04:51:04

Matt

And trying to tell this story that I think the, his, his career struggled to get off the ground until about 2011, when he got into the Fast and Furious franchise. And we will be covering fast five next. He’s not the lead of that movie, but he’s a very important part of that movie. Sure. And that sort of is like, okay, this is the kind of movie I need to make, and the world really seems to like it for a while.

00:04:51:05 – 00:04:53:16

Matt

Okay, good. And so our second well.

00:04:53:20 – 00:04:59:06

Laci

He’s going to learn important lesson: People like variety. We’re not stupid. Most of us.

00:04:59:08 – 00:05:01:18

Matt

All of this is to say there’s no formula.

00:05:01:18 – 00:05:02:20

Laci

You can’t biohacker this.

00:05:02:20 – 00:05:13:15

Matt

My men. No, you can’t, you can’t. You gotta dream big. You gotta. How many people watching this? What if many people who are listening to this or watching this have seen this movie?

00:05:13:16 – 00:05:22:15

Laci

I know diehard fans, I guess, but I just I don’t know who this is for. Like kids who want to see this don’t know who you are as a wrestler.

00:05:22:15 – 00:05:26:07

Matt

Probably some little kid. No kids, no kids. No. The well.

00:05:26:08 – 00:05:29:17

Laci

It was tapering. You’re right. He was. They weren’t even alive.

00:05:29:19 – 00:05:37:14

Matt

I guess it’s just the parents. I think they like the image of him in 022. Like that made it $100 million by itself. This is.

00:05:37:14 – 00:05:40:01

Laci

This is why we should kill ourselves.

00:05:40:03 – 00:05:42:06

Matt

I it’s a good question. I think.

00:05:42:06 – 00:05:42:19

Laci

We should we.

00:05:42:19 – 00:05:56:16

Matt

Kill. Why are we alive? Why do we even keep going? Why should we? Why? No, I hadn’t thought about that. Like, yeah, who is the Rock to anybody? And in 2010, did the target audience like this? Because this movie is a movie for little children.

00:05:56:16 – 00:06:18:22

Laci

It is. And then it’s like, oh, big Guy’s spectacle. He’s so big compared to these little kids. But like, there’s none of that in this. In fact, they put him with, a caseworker who is six foot nine. They people, they put him with, other hockey players who are huge. Like he said, if this is a movie about big hard rock with soft little kids, that’s interesting.

00:06:19:01 – 00:06:28:22

Laci

They took that away. He’s not that he’s the lovable little sweetie the whole time, except for except for the random people who he’s very angry with all the time.

00:06:28:23 – 00:06:47:13

Matt

There’s like, things in this movie that happen where you’re like, oh, I can see this sort of like, see plus B minus family movie where if they made the movie about that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I could see how that could work. And instead, look, I’m just gonna I think this is the worst movie we’ve ever covered. It’s. I think this movie is reprehensible.

00:06:47:14 – 00:07:06:19

Matt

Yes it is. It is a mess. It is poorly made. Nobody does anything good. But it is especially it is directed. It looks like a commercial. It looks like shit. And the script is one of the just worst, like gobbledygook. Just cobbled together the most, like, bullshit. Like, I like. You would think ChatGPT wrote this movie when I started, when I watched it again.

00:07:06:19 – 00:07:25:14

Matt

And it’s like trying to track the message of the movie of you gotta dream Big and the intent, a way to see the ways that manifest itself in the movie. How like odious I think it really is in the movie, which is like the rock he’s playing in the minor leagues. Why he stopped. He stopped wanting to be in the big leagues.

00:07:25:19 – 00:07:33:04

Matt

No, no, he got over his shoulder injury. He was just like, I don’t know. I never felt like trying to go back up to the big leagues.

00:07:33:04 – 00:07:43:21

Laci

He’s not a guy that can fail and not be really hard himself. That’s what I took from it, that he he liked he way he tried. And if that first try isn’t it then then he shouldn’t have to try.

00:07:43:21 – 00:07:49:17

Matt

That’s nice that you you took that away from the movie because I don’t think it’s in there like, in any coherent way.

00:07:49:17 – 00:07:56:04

Laci

I mean, that’s what his caseworker, Tooth Fairy godmother, says to him. It’s like, you know better than anyone. You have to try more than once.

00:07:56:06 – 00:07:58:16

Matt

That’s yes, that is what they say out loud are they.

00:07:58:16 – 00:08:00:08

Laci

Do say, right. I’m like.

00:08:00:10 – 00:08:03:15

Matt

What? What about his character? Actually makes it seem like this is true.

00:08:03:15 – 00:08:13:16

Laci

I don’t even know who he is. Is he’s all over I. This is not a person that makes sense. You can’t be this angry and then this nice. Unless all of it’s fake. Can we? Let’s.

00:08:13:18 – 00:08:26:14

Matt

Okay. Yeah, we just have to go through it. Yeah. Because I don’t know how many people will have watched the movie. You should watch. This movie is insane. Like we’re going to fail. We’re going to fail at explaining how insane this movie is.

00:08:26:16 – 00:08:38:16

Laci

We watched it separately because of our schedule, and I couldn’t stop texting Matt. I’m. I was physically unable to like, watch several minutes at a time without going.

00:08:38:18 – 00:08:39:23

Matt

Yeah.

00:08:40:01 – 00:08:41:15

Laci

My body, my body.

00:08:41:20 – 00:09:00:04

Matt

Okay. And then you came in while I was watching and you’re like, how? How are you? Only 33 minutes in and I’m like, I can’t watch you stop. It’s not. I’m like, not able to keep going. I keep having to stop. I was also following the New York election. I was very excited with that. But, but like, something about this movie prevents me from watching it.

00:09:00:06 – 00:09:04:19

Matt

It’s like 404 message on the movie. Yeah, I don’t know. Not for.

00:09:04:19 – 00:09:05:05

Laci

Me.

00:09:05:05 – 00:09:11:16

Matt

Let’s talk briefly about the history.

00:09:11:17 – 00:09:19:09

Matt

And.

00:09:19:11 – 00:09:32:05

Matt

Then.

History Segment

00:09:32:07 – 00:09:58:07

Matt

The history of Tooth Fairy. The film? No. Just call it Tooth Fairy. Clean. So at first I thought, well, we’ll just catch up with the rock and his career since last we checked in with him with the rundown, and it’s been a rocky seven years. But just for the hell of it, I thought, I do like, on our Santa Claus episode, I ended up doing, like, a whole presentation on the history of Santa Claus.

00:09:58:07 – 00:10:20:22

Matt

So I just looked up Tooth Fairy. Is there anything there? And there’s, you know, there’s some shit. There’s some shit. All right, so in many cultures around the world, no fairy, instead a rat or little mouse. Okay. Who will exchange a tooth for a small payment or gift known as either El Raton Perez or El Dorado, the LA dentist or the tooth mouse.

00:10:21:00 – 00:10:26:03

Matt

This finger will often be used by toothpaste companies in marketing in Latin America. If you.

00:10:26:03 – 00:10:27:13

Laci

Don’t want the mouse to come.

00:10:27:15 – 00:10:28:18

Matt

Brush your teeth.

00:10:28:20 – 00:10:56:14

Laci

It. I mean, I don’t want to step on whatever you’re about to teach me, but it does make sense to put celebration around this because it’s very scary. It’s a human fear of decaying, and the fact that we lose a whole set of teeth and then grow new ones is fucking crazy. And that’s just because we’d look real nuts with giant big teeth in our mouth, our whole baby life, and then real weird with giant little teeth, our whole mouth, our whole mouth, our adult life.

00:10:56:19 – 00:11:04:11

Laci

So like, yay, a celebration. Look, no, no, it’s good you lost your tooth now. So money. Don’t cry. Don’t think about your morbidity, little child.

00:11:04:11 – 00:11:25:04

Matt

Yeah, absolutely. And I guess I never had this fear as a kid. But I remember your child. I mean, my child to your biological child. My stepchild. Who is my real child? When they were when they were little, I remember them talking to my brother and then just talking as, like, a precocious, cute little, little baby person, like.

00:11:25:04 – 00:11:44:05

Matt

Yeah, I’m afraid my teeth are going to fall out. And my. And Elliot said, Elliot’s like, you don’t need to be afraid. And then I remember saying, like, no, your teeth are never going to fall out. And then Elliot was like, Matt, that’s not true. And I was like, oh, right. No, your teeth do fall out. And that’s weird, isn’t it?

00:11:44:07 – 00:12:03:06

Laci

Yeah, I will, and it’s something to be like, coaxing them because the process is not usually clean. It’s a dangler for a while and like, and then you’ve got assholes who are like, I’m going to just run you. I’m just going to come. You can’t get out or let’s tie it with a string attached to a doorknob, closed door.

00:12:03:11 – 00:12:04:20

Laci

Who’s fucking thinking of this.

00:12:04:22 – 00:12:06:02

Matt

Has ever actually been?

00:12:06:02 – 00:12:25:13

Laci

Yes, I’ve seen it in my I’ve seen it. Yes. It’s stupid assholes who, like, don’t know how to deal with, like, handling a big feeling from a kid to, like, and teach you how to be a man. Susan, let’s tie this shit anyway. And you need something afterwards. Like. And now.

00:12:25:14 – 00:12:38:15

Matt

The money. Love your very trust worthy person. I trust you with my heart and soul in life. However, I wonder if this is one of those things where if we hooked you up to a machine that could somehow scan your memories, we’d find that you have actually, I’ve actually never seen this in my.

00:12:38:15 – 00:12:39:16

Laci

Cousin Robbie did it.

00:12:39:17 – 00:12:58:17

Matt

No, I did this is. This is like when people insist that in castaway there’s a scene where he hangs himself, but he doesn’t or tries to hang himself. He just describes it very vividly. Let’s let’s weigh in. Listeners and viewers, have you ever seen this actually happen? Doorknob tied to string, trying to believe them. But not my wife and wife.

00:12:58:20 – 00:13:05:01

Matt

Okay. Wow. You know, what’s a gross word that I read is when they call it a not a baby tooth, but a milk tooth.

00:13:05:02 – 00:13:15:16

Laci

No. God, no no no no no. Milk teeth are are a type of teeth that get rotted from letting milk sit on them. They turn a color and they brought out that’s a milk tooth.

00:13:15:18 – 00:13:18:19

Matt

Presumably that is a that happens to a baby tooth though.

00:13:18:19 – 00:13:20:02

Laci

Yeah. Yeah it does.

00:13:20:04 – 00:13:20:19

Matt

Gross.

00:13:20:21 – 00:13:27:07

Laci

Okay. But that’s a certain kind of rot. And that’s gross in a different way. I’m just guessing.

00:13:27:09 – 00:13:29:14

Matt

Would you say I’m right?

00:13:29:16 – 00:13:32:13

Laci

I wouldn’t say it. No. I’m sick of being judged.

00:13:32:13 – 00:13:43:18

Matt

In 1894, there was a tale written for the eight year old king of Spain, Alfonso the 13th, and he had just lost a tooth. And so they, like, commissioned a storybook to be written for the. Imagine this young like King Joffrey.

00:13:43:18 – 00:13:45:06

Laci

I I shall need a book.

00:13:45:11 – 00:14:05:13

Matt

Yeah. And this. Ouch. This took off. But it didn’t originate here. It was like a folk belief in Europe for a lot. In Italy, in France, in Wallonia, in Catalonia, but elsewhere in the world, sadly, there is no mouse. In Korea, for example, children will often throw their teeth onto the roof of their house, whereupon imagine the gutters.

00:14:05:14 – 00:14:10:09

Matt

They hope it will be taken by the magpie, the national bird of Korea. Oh, and bring them good fortune.

00:14:10:09 – 00:14:12:02

Laci

That was a flying poop.

00:14:12:04 – 00:14:29:06

Matt

It’s not a flying poop, you magpie, a magpie. Yeah, I coming from a mag. So here in the good old US of a our tooth fairy traditions, they go back to Europe of the Middle Ages, where the Vikings would pay children for their baby teeth and wear them on necklaces.

00:14:29:07 – 00:14:30:20

Laci

So they could pretend they had killed a man.

00:14:30:21 – 00:14:50:08

Matt

Well, it looks badass. Oh, man, look at all these babies I killed. Brings good luck in battle. And it also helped the child, because there was this belief that witches, would curse you if they. If they could possess your teeth. So better give it to that Viking then that witch, and, put them in your gutters. In England, there was a superstition.

00:14:50:08 – 00:15:24:09

Matt

Medieval England, there’s a superstition that if children didn’t burn or bury their baby teeth, they would damn. To spend eternity looking for the lost tooth. However, like you said, this is all very traumatic, so they needed to put a nice gloss on it. Where does the Tooth Fairy originate? It’s hard to say, but there’s an early, publication in the Chicago Tribune in 1908, in a column called Household Hints, and I shall read, quote, many are a refractory child will allow a loose tooth to be removed if he knows about the tooth fairy, if he takes his little tooth and puts it under the pillow when he goes to bed, the tooth fairy will come

00:15:24:09 – 00:15:41:08

Matt

in the night and take it away, and then this place will leave some little gift. It is a nice plan for mothers to visit the five cent counter, and lay in a supply of articles to be used on such occasions. End quote. Did your family do you? Did your mom do the tooth fairy? Yep. Cool. For money? Me too.

00:15:41:10 – 00:15:42:23

Matt

All right, so that’s the tooth fairy now.

00:15:43:00 – 00:16:04:12

Laci

Well, we can I just say what the tooth fairy traditions remind me of? Sure. It’s the things you sing you do around weddings as well. That everything’s bad luck and good luck, because having a wedding is a fucking traumatic expense. Experience. It’s. It can only go wrong. There’s too much anticipation. So if rain is going to ruin the day because it will, then it’s good luck.

00:16:04:14 – 00:16:21:03

Laci

Yeah, but if. See like it, everything is used to, like, push and pull the right things from happening. No bride wants their husband to see them until they’re coming down the aisle. So there’s that. Oh, so what do you do? You make it bad luck to see your bride on their wedding day like this. It’s just everything is just a moving in the way that that people actually.

00:16:21:05 – 00:16:21:09

Matt

Would.

00:16:21:09 – 00:16:22:23

Laci

Like. Yes.

00:16:23:01 – 00:16:29:10

Matt

Never really. Oh, I guess that would be kind of cool if I suddenly saw my beautiful bride for the first time.

00:16:29:11 – 00:16:31:20

Laci

Yeah, that’s that’s the moment.

00:16:31:22 – 00:16:37:01

Matt

Oh. Oh, she’s got boobs like a bird poops on you. That’s good.

00:16:37:01 – 00:16:49:06

Laci

Luck. I’m. So I’m saying it’s all it’s it’s it’s it’s going to happen. Birds are in the sky is a lot of them. We’re walking around blowing poop is going to happen. You got to turn it into something positive or else what do we do?

00:16:49:08 – 00:17:14:22

Matt

Here’s what was not positive was The Rock’s acting career during the after the rundown Segway. But first, we have to catch up with his wrestling career, which is winding down. He returned to WWE in January of 20 of 2003. I’d never say 2003 2003 for his his last run as a full time wrestler. Now remember last week he was like dipping in and out of WWE and the fans were starting to turn on him.

00:17:14:22 – 00:17:35:04

Matt

You know, the chip on the shoulder wrestling fan can see this guy is not long for wrestling. Yeah, he may be in movies appearing as the Rock. Yeah, Vince McMahon might be a producer of these movies because of some contractual obligation. I want to look even more into that when I because I think Vince McMahon in WWE owned the name the Rock.

00:17:35:06 – 00:17:53:11

Matt

And that’s why they have to get credited if he uses that name in a movie. Anyway. But yeah. So the fans were starting to churn at him. So when he comes back he debuts a new heel persona. But this is different from his old heel persona. Now he’s Hollywood rock, so he shaves his head. He wears leather pants and sunglasses.

00:17:53:13 – 00:18:14:14

Matt

He would arrive to the arena in a helicopter. Oh, I mean, not really. They would just show footage of a helicopter. And then he came out to the ring. He would do this thing where he bring out an acoustic guitar and perform songs. He actually has a good singing voice, and he can play guitar. And well, in this one clip that I watched, this one promo, he did the douchey, a song that you could possibly sing, which is.

00:18:14:15 – 00:18:16:03

Laci

Douche All Over Me.

00:18:16:05 – 00:18:17:09

Matt

What’s the douche? Your song.

00:18:17:09 – 00:18:17:21

Laci

My way?

00:18:17:21 – 00:18:43:23

Matt

Yes, my way. Very good. So the crowd would repeatedly chant, you sold out! You sold out an asshole at him during his appearances. But if you watch these, if you watch these promos, it’s weird because they still love him so much and they want a cheer along with his catchphrases. So he would start like, he would say, if you smell what the rock, and then they’d finish for him and it’d be like, shut up so they could participate.

00:18:43:23 – 00:18:45:11

Matt

Yeah, you don’t get to say it.

00:18:45:14 – 00:19:08:15

Laci

I gotta say, if there’s anything that gives me the puts my pickles up, I do feel like this, like instinct to be angry at someone that wants to cross over and be good at something else. So, like an actor who’s all of a sudden a sports player or whatever. So there’s something a little bit different for me from from a wrestler wanting to become anything else because of the stigma of wrestling.

00:19:08:15 – 00:19:29:22

Laci

I get that, which is it’s shitty towards wrestling fans. That’s not fair. But I it doesn’t make me go, hey, but if you’re a wrestling fan and you’re being left for someone who’s becoming a movie star, it is quite the ballsy move to say I’m also a singer and musician, so I’m just like, okay, virtuoso, now I really fucking.

00:19:29:22 – 00:19:34:15

Matt

That’s what’s good about the Hollywood rock persona. It’s like, it’s not just that I’m a movie star. I’m a I’m.

00:19:34:15 – 00:19:39:01

Laci

A mogul motherfucker. Yeah. And I sit now and stuff.

00:19:39:03 – 00:19:45:13

Matt

And he has a, headset mic, which wrestlers never do, but that’s that’s so decent.

00:19:45:13 – 00:19:46:08

Laci

Announcer.

00:19:46:08 – 00:20:12:15

Matt

He’s Madonna. He he’s so good. I watched tons of tons of clips of him. He’s so good in this role. So he was feuding once again with Stone Cold Steve Austin. They had three different WrestleMania, matches against each other in 99, 2001 and 2003. Stone cold career was also winding down, but because of injuries, his body was just breaking down, whereas the rock was like, I’m voluntarily leaving this all behind.

00:20:12:16 – 00:20:27:12

Matt

Whereas Austin, he would have like to do this forever but know. Yeah. So Rock would come out to the ring. He cut promos, there’s his his cell phone would ring and he’d be like, hold on, I have to take this. And you tell the crowd to shut up. And he’d be like, I’m so happy to be here in Indiana.

00:20:27:12 – 00:20:46:22

Matt

And then. And then on the phone, it’d be like, no, I’m not staying overnight with these hicks. And then he’d be like, no, I wasn’t talking about you. Let’s talk about those hickory trees outside, all right. Funny shit. This all culminates. Well, like wrestling is in a period of immense decline at this point is brought to its highest highs in the late 90s because of the rock and stone cold.

00:20:47:00 – 00:21:08:23

Matt

Okay, now they’re on their way out and coming and changing the guard. Oh, yeah. And basically they kind of never I mean, they do that to John Cena, but yeah, they really, really struggle for a long time. And, so you’re kind of just leaving like it is truly just the die hards now at the arena, at the wrestling arenas.

00:21:09:02 – 00:21:28:16

Matt

So Rock, defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin in WrestleMania. That’s Austin’s final match. Rock will come back a few times the rest of the year, and then his final match is in 2004. His contract with WWE ends, and he won’t appear again until 2011. So. Oh wow. Really leaves. That’s a big break. Yeah, and when he does come back, he has.

00:21:28:16 – 00:21:46:21

Matt

I can’t remember if it’s 2 or 3 like legit match real matches as in like you know go that go 15 minutes where that isn’t just I show up, I do a move on somebody and then I leave. That’s quite the risk. Yeah. And and he did get injured. Wrestling John Cena in 2012 and 2013.

00:21:46:21 – 00:21:48:10

Laci

Did he get mad at John Cena personally.

00:21:48:13 – 00:22:00:16

Matt

No, I don’t think so. Just he was old and he hadn’t done it in a long time. But yeah, wrestling was was done for him. All right. So, but his movie career was really, sputtering about to.

00:22:00:17 – 00:22:01:09

Laci

Be done for.

00:22:01:09 – 00:22:11:12

Matt

Him. Yeah, I knew that this was a rough time for him, but really, looking at the movies and how poorly they performed, it is rough. And like, even if you consider The Rundown was a flop, we love The Rundown.

00:22:11:12 – 00:22:17:12

Laci

Yeah, that and that really, truly is not fair for like, the thing you did really well for it to just not take off.

00:22:17:12 – 00:22:17:22

Matt

Yeah.

00:22:17:22 – 00:22:23:02

Laci

And then and then just have people be like, I knew it, I knew it was bad, bye bye. Then watching what you do next.

00:22:23:02 – 00:22:35:13

Matt

That’s not fair. And maybe there is. You know, movie fans are not like United, like wrestling fans are, but it’s almost like a reverse wrestling thing. Where the PR machine is, is spinning real hard and saying, here’s the rock, he’s the next big star.

00:22:35:15 – 00:22:59:14

Laci

This never works for him in any of his career. Yeah, it’s like you can’t go into football that way. You can’t go in wrestling that way, and you can’t go like he just keeps not learning from his mistakes or keeps on being able to steer his people. He seems to want to steer directors, but not his PR. Yeah, why don’t you put him as like the underdog and, you know, or, just frame it a different way than you’ve all been waiting for this.

00:22:59:16 – 00:23:01:00

Matt

And it’s like, no, no, we haven’t.

00:23:01:03 – 00:23:02:03

Laci

Right.

00:23:02:05 – 00:23:23:15

Matt

So he has to pay his dues for a while. So follows up the rundown with Walking Tall, a remake of an old of a 70s movie. I think this is I watched this movie. I had never seen it. This is his first attempt to do like a real performance, like a dramatic, like it’s a pulpy movie, but he is like trying to give it some real, like, dramatic weight and like, he’s he’s fine.

00:23:23:16 – 00:23:30:11

Matt

He does pretty good. Okay? He has to kiss a woman and he seems uncomfortable with that. Which woman? I don’t remember her name. Okay.

00:23:30:12 – 00:23:32:05

Laci

I hope she doesn’t remember her name.

00:23:32:07 – 00:23:41:18

Matt

This movie is a big Ole flop. And so he plays a flamboyant gay bodyguard in Be Cool, the sequel to Get Shorty.

00:23:42:00 – 00:23:52:03

Laci

Yeah. And I remember liking Be Cool, but I probably am misremembering because it’s got my two of my favorite people in with Thurman and John Travolta. I mean, you know, from my favorite movie.

00:23:52:05 – 00:24:07:20

Matt

I, I’ve never seen it, but I’m looking at the poster right here, and I notice one certain person missing from this sequel who was not who is in Get Shorty. If this is a test I’m failing, it is my favorite actor of all time.

00:24:07:22 – 00:24:08:22

Laci

Lindsay Lohan.

00:24:08:22 – 00:24:21:14

Matt

Yeah. Lindsay Lohan, who? Gene Hackman. Oh, yeah. He’s not. He’s not here for this shit. But the Rock, this movie’s not a hit. It gets horrible reviews, but people praise The Rock’s performance. Okay? For showing his, versatility, for.

00:24:21:14 – 00:24:21:20

Laci

Getting.

00:24:21:20 – 00:24:23:23

Matt

Goofy, getting a little goofy.

00:24:24:00 – 00:24:31:02

Laci

Or just just totally taking on a persona. Yeah, like being confident in, like, I’ve made choices. This is this is this guy. This guy exists.

00:24:31:06 – 00:24:33:01

Matt

Making choices. Yes, yes.

00:24:33:02 – 00:24:54:08

Laci

So if there’s anything I have a problem with, with the. Well, there’s certain things I certainly things I have problem with, with the tooth fairy, but that’s one of them I don’t understand. We’ll get there. But like, I don’t understand so many of the choices. And I feel like he keeps changing his mind. It doesn’t feel like a fleshed out person.

00:24:54:10 – 00:24:55:04

Laci

That makes sense.

00:24:55:09 – 00:24:58:01

Matt

Yeah. Which is like the problem with every recent role of him.

00:24:58:02 – 00:25:18:23

Laci

He’s too much sunshine and then flips it and it like it doesn’t. These two people don’t make. Yeah not he’s down on his luck and like he doesn’t believe in hopes and dreams. But he acts this way with kids and he’s this happy with his friends and he’s just happy with his partner. But he’s just been shit on so hard and he’s so down.

00:25:18:23 – 00:25:23:15

Laci

He just never make you that. Those two guys don’t make sense together.

00:25:23:17 – 00:25:41:10

Matt

Yeah, there’s no core that unites them. No. All right, so he plays the the villain in the video game adaptation of doom. Or the adaptation of the video game doom. Not a hit. He is in the one time in his career where he works with an outdoor director. He makes movies. Southland Tales, directed by Richard Kelly.

00:25:41:10 – 00:25:56:21

Matt

He of Donnie Darko fame. This is such a notorious flop that Richard Kelly gets put in movie jail and, never gets let out, even though he made. He made Donnie Darko. And but this has since become a cult classic, reuniting the Rock with Sean Williams.

00:25:56:21 – 00:26:01:17

Laci

Did you dip into that? You said you’re going to watch it. I’m curious. I want to see what this is like.

00:26:01:19 – 00:26:06:17

Matt

I paid the 3999. Oh, I have yet to watch. I have 27 days remaining on that rental.

00:26:06:19 – 00:26:08:23

Laci

And you will let me know if I should watch it.

00:26:08:23 – 00:26:26:01

Matt

Yes. Thank you. So, like, freely, his career looks like a failure. I remember reading Gene Wilder’s memoir and he said, if you want to be a movie star, you have to go. The bare minimum is you got to have one out of three movies become a hit. Oh, wow. And rock is like over eight. So he pivots to family entertainment.

00:26:26:03 – 00:26:48:01

Matt

The Game Plan, a Disney movie where he plays a football who learns I have a daughter, I have to go to a ballet recital, so I don’t know about that huge, huge hit. $150 million worldwide. He’s in another live action Disney movie in 2009, Race to Which Mountain, a remake of the 70s Disney live action movies about which mountains I took my sister to this.

00:26:48:01 – 00:26:54:23

Matt

I don’t remember shit about it, but it’s another hit. He is a voice in the animated film planet 51. I’m no.

00:26:54:23 – 00:26:55:09

Laci

Memory of.

00:26:55:09 – 00:27:05:09

Matt

This. Never heard of this movie. Might have to do with forgotten animated films. Video about it. Yeah, literally never heard about this movie and it made decent money. Okay, he was in Get Smart, which was actually an enormous hit.

00:27:05:09 – 00:27:07:15

Laci

I love to get smart. Well, did he playing Get Smart?

00:27:07:16 – 00:27:23:17

Matt

He was the I think he’s like the guy who doesn’t like Steve Carell and then turns out is the villain. Okay, I’d watch that. And yeah, a huge hit, like when Steve Carell was a legit movie star. Everything he touched was was huge. I feel like that’s still true. Just he does some.

00:27:23:19 – 00:27:25:12

Laci

Serious shit now.

00:27:25:14 – 00:27:34:07

Matt

You don’t know anything, you know? And then finally, Tooth Fairy in 2010, another big hit. But we are at the end. This was a big hit. This was a big hit. Yeah.

00:27:34:09 – 00:27:41:22

Laci

Okay. That didn’t I know we’re not supposed to believe Rotten Tomatoes, but I guess that’s just to people. People went though. They showed up.

00:27:42:04 – 00:27:53:09

Matt

Yeah. He was like he just maybe it wasn’t as big a hit as the game plan. And I think in my memory, I switch these movies up. I thought Tooth Fairy was the football movie, a movie you’re playing hockey? That’s weird.

00:27:53:09 – 00:28:03:04

Laci

It is very fucking weird and clunky, and he does not look good in it. He looks small, and maybe that’s because he’s around a bunch of big people, but like, he just looks like he’s an oversize shirt. He doesn’t look cool.

00:28:03:08 – 00:28:06:08

Matt

In the hockey arena. It looks like it has 300 people in it.

00:28:06:09 – 00:28:14:15

Laci

Because it’s little league hockey everywhere. We call it. He does have charisma with kids though, like he does. So far those are chemistry.

00:28:14:15 – 00:28:15:22

Matt

Or is in like chemistry.

00:28:15:22 – 00:28:44:18

Laci

Sorry. Yeah. There’s he pairs well with kids. It’s when he’s with adults that I start to get a little uncomfortable when he’s like the macho mean guy to the, you know, the scrawny, like, I want to say elf, fairy like caseworker that that works for me because that that role works for him. And then when he’s just big, lovable goofball guy doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he really likes these kids.

00:28:44:18 – 00:28:51:16

Laci

That works for me, too. But then he’s. When he’s with fucking adults where he’s having conflict. I am so uncomfortable.

00:28:51:18 – 00:28:52:05

Matt

He.

00:28:52:05 – 00:28:53:17

Laci

Does not know what he is.

00:28:53:21 – 00:29:00:05

Matt

But, you know, John Cena and Dave Bautista both had to have their their like, I’m in a movie with kids, you know.

00:29:00:05 – 00:29:06:11

Laci

Well, so they’re Hulk Hogan. Yeah. They like Hogan is the one that began this big guy little person. He’s Mr..

00:29:06:11 – 00:29:25:23

Matt

Nanny. Okay. But here’s it, here’s the thing. And we’ll track this as we go in. The Rock’s character Luke Hobbs in the Fast and Furious franchise has a daughter. And in the first 2 or 3 appearances she is played by the same actress. But she is growing up. And Dwayne then says like we got to recast her.

00:29:25:23 – 00:29:32:23

Matt

So then now she’s like six years younger because it’s like he seems uncomfortable with the person above a certain age because.

00:29:33:01 – 00:29:51:18

Laci

I think he’s asexual. That is what I’ve decided. Like and is. If you’re a wrestler, if you come from someone like he comes from his dad, this very macho industry, this you look like that. You people are like fawning all over you. Like, what do you do if you do not have a sex drive? How would you ever admit that?

00:29:51:22 – 00:29:55:00

Matt

I don’t know, I mean, he he’s been married twice. He has kids.

00:29:55:00 – 00:29:56:11

Laci

Been married twice. Is he divorced.

00:29:56:11 – 00:30:07:15

Matt

Twice? He’s he is married now. And he his first wife is his longtime business partner and still his business partner. But it’s I just, Hey, we can we can recklessly speculate all we want.

00:30:07:16 – 00:30:16:09

Laci

I’m just saying I would venture to say sexless. Sexless marriage doesn’t mean you didn’t get kids out of it, but they gay people marry people all the time. I don’t think he’s gay.

00:30:16:12 – 00:30:17:03

Matt

No, he’s not.

00:30:17:03 – 00:30:18:18

Laci

Because he does have chemistry with men either.

00:30:18:18 – 00:30:31:04

Matt

There is a difference between being a sexual person in real life and playing it on screen. Sure, I, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that. Let’s try it. Let’s kiss me. Give me a kiss. Gross. Yeah. See, but in real life, we kiss all the time.

00:30:31:04 – 00:30:32:08

Laci

Oh, my. We’re in there.

00:30:32:08 – 00:30:33:12

Matt

We’re really sexual. We get.

00:30:33:12 – 00:30:35:10

Laci

Up in that mouth.

00:30:35:12 – 00:30:46:20

Matt

And you mouth stuff all the time. So. So I if he’s truly like, I just can’t do it. I mean, I but they’re like. But you look like that. We have to keep trying.

00:30:47:01 – 00:31:08:06

Laci

His smile is amazing. Like, I forget it’s what it is. And then he does it in like, Like I feel Angel shoot out of his mouth. He is so handsome. Like, I never thought two things about him is he’s not one of my guys. But damn it, every time he smiles, I’m like, how are those teeth in there?

00:31:08:08 – 00:31:18:02

Laci

How is your mouth? That shape that’s got that’s got to be hard to be attractive and successful. And people are throwing themselves at you, and you don’t like sex. It’s gotta be hard.

00:31:18:04 – 00:31:23:11

Matt

Again, we don’t know if that he doesn’t like sex. We don’t want to impugn allegedly his character. Allegedly.

00:31:23:11 – 00:31:47:13

Laci

According to me. But there’s nothing wrong with asexual people. This is not imputing his character. This is just asexual. People are not represented in media at all. There’d be no place for them, certainly not in his era, certainly not for what he does as a profession. He he could. You can’t be open about these things. If there’s anything people don’t get, it’s people who don’t have sexual attraction.

00:31:47:14 – 00:31:50:05

Laci

There’s, there’s. So it must be so lonely.

00:31:50:06 – 00:32:12:03

Matt

Sure. He’s sorry. I’m not saying that that would be necessarily a bad thing, but I just don’t want to assume it’s his. It’s. You can’t do it on screen that you can’t do it in real life. Sure, this is the end of this phase of his career. He will start to figure things out. And in our next episode, which is on fast five, that is kind of the relaunch of the Rock.

00:32:12:05 – 00:32:26:09

Matt

But in between that, he has the other guys that Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg, Adam McKay movie, where he is like a he’s a small role in that with the Jackson, where he and Samuel Jackson are like the bad ass cops. He is not as funny as you want him to be in that, but I think it was really well received.

00:32:26:14 – 00:32:34:09

Matt

Okay, so just real quick about this movie. Two theory has its origins with writer Jim Pejic, and.

00:32:34:09 – 00:32:54:10

Laci

This is the. Okay, this makes a lot of sense because that’s all I felt this whole time is a way less, way less, toy filled sandbox for someone to extend what it must be like to be an actual tooth fairy. What is that world? It is so.

00:32:54:10 – 00:33:14:21

Matt

Disappointing. So this guy Jim, Jim Pidcock, who’s mainly an actor but sold a lot of scripts, in 2010, he told Geek Week that he basically, like, had always wanted to do a mainstream Christmas family movie, but he couldn’t find an angle. So he was like, oh, tooth Fairy, I don’t know. And he successfully sold that pitch to Jason Blum, this Jason Blum, before he started Blumhouse produced this movie.

00:33:14:21 – 00:33:15:21

Matt

Wow.

00:33:15:23 – 00:33:18:16

Laci

And, it’s horrific.

00:33:18:18 – 00:33:31:15

Matt

The, director is Michael Lembeck, who directed The Santa Clause two and The Santa Clause three, both of which have Tooth Fairy characters in them. Oh, and a council of Mythical beings. This is Michael. Dawn played the tooth fairy. I don’t remember who plays it.

00:33:31:15 – 00:33:43:03

Laci

To find it weird how many times leprechaun is brought up as a joke in this movie. In the Tooth Fairy, it’s like 3 or 4 times it’s used as a joke and it’s like, okay, think of another mythical thing.

00:33:43:05 – 00:33:45:09

Matt

I got it, the movie leprechaun.

00:33:45:15 – 00:33:52:05

Laci

No, no, no, just like it’s like they think they can’t think of unicorn. They can’t think of sprite. They can’t. Yeah, well, friggin leprechaun.

00:33:52:07 – 00:33:54:02

Matt

Yeah, a pixie, I got it.

00:33:54:03 – 00:33:56:21

Laci

You’ve used it so many times.

00:33:56:23 – 00:33:58:14

Matt

There’s so many others.

00:33:58:16 – 00:33:59:01

Laci

Look at you.

00:33:59:01 – 00:34:03:02

Matt

Name in a mall. Yeah, a pixie, I said sprite, you go pixie, a fairy.

00:34:03:02 – 00:34:04:22

Laci

You’re just naming different kinds of fairies.

00:34:04:22 – 00:34:06:13

Matt

Okay, but a leprechaun is a type of fairy.

00:34:06:14 – 00:34:11:14

Laci

Tell them that in Irish Bar. You see, if you don’t get asked to leave politely.

00:34:11:14 – 00:34:35:12

Matt

Michael Lembeck directed those two Santa Claus movies. He directed the notorious Nia Vardalos vehicle Connie and Carla. Her big follow up to My Big Fat Greek Wedding. What a famous bomb, And he directed the, High School Musical straight to video movie Sharp Hayes Fabulous Adventure, the straight to video Nickelodeon movie, the J team and some geezer pleaser called Queen bee.

00:34:35:13 – 00:34:38:20

Laci

Not call it a geezer pleaser unless they’re pleasing each other in their genitals.

00:34:38:20 – 00:34:41:07

Matt

Starring Ellen Burstyn, James Caan, a bunch of.

00:34:41:09 – 00:34:42:22

Laci

It, starring all the people who are still alive.

00:34:43:00 – 00:34:49:10

Matt

Yeah, right people. And this movie was a success and had a straight to video sequel starring Larry the Cable Guy.

00:34:49:10 – 00:34:50:19

Laci

Now, this one makes sense to me.

00:34:51:00 – 00:34:55:23

Matt

Yeah, Larry the Cable Guy also was in a straight to video sequel to Jingle All the Way. How about that?

00:34:56:01 – 00:35:10:16

Laci

He’s he’s your pinch. He’s your pinch. Single guy. Like like this didn’t work at that I stand firm cars two is the best one. And it’s because of him. You’re he he’s got legs. He knows what to do with these ups, with these ridiculous premises.

00:35:10:17 – 00:35:30:23

Matt

Mater has legs. I 100% agree with you. Mater is a good character. Larry the cable guy is very good as mater. Cars two is the only good cars movie. Mater is a lovely character. And there’s this great video where Larry the Cable Guy breaks down crying, talking about how much the character mater means to him and how it’s made him connect with so many people around the world.

00:35:31:04 – 00:35:32:14

Matt

God bless that man.

00:35:32:16 – 00:35:34:01

Laci

I really do like him.

00:35:34:06 – 00:36:14:21

Matt

All right, that’s the history of the tooth fairy. Sorry, tooth fairy.

Movie Discussion

00:36:14:23 – 00:36:30:05

Laci

I know I’m I’m already struggling with the fact that I gave this a 2.5. I. I really think I just got Stockholm syndrome. Toward the end. It was like, just take. I’m here. I’m dialed in. Show me your your redemption story. I love that. All right. Everyone’s nice and.

00:36:30:05 – 00:36:53:10

Matt

Sweeties. 2.5 Rock. Whatever. When we did our our mini series, recapping, severance, luminance. Listening. Go check that out. It has its own podcast. Dude, we watched those episodes, like, three different times, and I would take just the most detailed notes and I haven’t taken a note notes on a movie. I haven’t taken this in-depth note since severance, as I was taking.

00:36:53:10 – 00:36:58:00

Laci

My video to think that there’s there’s two reasons to take a lot of notes.

00:36:58:01 – 00:37:01:17

Matt

But there are every until eventually I was like, I can’t keep doing this.

00:37:01:19 – 00:37:07:06

Laci

Choices is so disjointed. I don’t know where they were going with this.

00:37:07:08 – 00:37:11:12

Matt

In the in the most electrifying environment in sports, minor league hockey.

00:37:11:15 – 00:37:30:08

Laci

And I feel nothing this I don’t know if it’s directing I am. Yeah sure. But like this. This is a huge crowd for what I thought was like pros until they made it very clear it’s minor leagues and I don’t know anything about hockey. Something. All right. You know, wrestling’s really big when it’s local. It’s in your backyard.

00:37:30:08 – 00:37:31:14

Laci

You get big crowds.

00:37:31:16 – 00:37:48:16

Matt

Well, just just to stop a little. So there’s some. Put some parents out there on the fucking internet. Minor leagues are pros. They don’t. My guys don’t like it when you say the pros because they are paid. But it is. Yeah. The minor league until like the way. Yeah, the the movie does not ground you in the world of professional hockey at all.

00:37:48:20 – 00:37:54:20

Matt

And this opening sequence is shot like he’s in the NHL. And I just assumed, oh, he’s playing for the, you know, wait.

00:37:54:22 – 00:38:00:19

Laci

What would it look like, the sponsorships or what made it look like the NHL that the arena makes it look like it’s in it’s.

00:38:00:20 – 00:38:05:18

Matt

Shot to be exciting and electrifying, even though you start to notice this arena is pretty small.

00:38:05:23 – 00:38:10:17

Laci

Wait, so you’re saying that thing people don’t get excited while they’re watching minor league things?

00:38:10:18 – 00:38:24:08

Matt

Of course they do. So. But the movie has no attitude on minor leagues. And like, it would be interesting if it’s like he’s a big star in a tiny pond, but it actually makes it seem like he’s a big star in a big ass pond.

00:38:24:10 – 00:38:41:05

Laci

And also he. I don’t watch hockey, but I feel like I’m seeing too much of his face. Is this really a hockey helmet? I don’t know, but yeah, but okay, but I don’t think of a hockey as like a, like a, like a, like a basketball where like, it’s these individual personalities that I’m like really getting to see.

00:38:41:05 – 00:38:58:11

Laci

They’re like larger than life. They’re right there. They, you know, they make comments and I hear them, he’s talking to the fans like he’s in a wrestling match. He’s stopping the progress of the game after doing the thing he’s supposed to do, though. It looks like a lot of damage for one fucking head. How are they really replacing the glasses often?

00:38:58:11 – 00:39:11:09

Laci

And they’re super excited about it. And this little minor league place and people are getting glass shards in their face, and he’s going out of grandma, who’s now dead. Probably. I was like, she just for liability alone. This is what you want.

00:39:11:11 – 00:39:28:15

Matt

This. So. Okay. Hey, it’s the announcer, say, and the ice wolves have it. And so I’m like, oh, okay. So they didn’t they didn’t license an actual NHL team. But this is supposed to be NHL until you realize this arena does not go up that high. Does not. This is, you know, for high school.

00:39:28:17 – 00:39:29:20

Laci

High school level bleachers.

00:39:29:20 – 00:39:49:10

Matt

Okay. But yeah, Coca-Cola banners and direct TV like, damn, these sponsorships. So this is the most, like, popular minor league team in the world. And and the Rock is playing a character on the team who’s like. And the movie doesn’t make this clear at all. Is he is just a gimmick. He is just a goon. They say, here comes the defenseman.

00:39:49:10 – 00:39:59:00

Laci

And I got that, I got that. What I didn’t get was that he was ever anything more than that. Okay? I thought that the his career was all about being this character and hitting hard.

00:39:59:06 – 00:40:03:15

Matt

Yeah. No, because he has the speech later. I was a draft first round pick. I was a star scorer.

00:40:03:17 – 00:40:05:02

Laci

I know he was a stick man.

00:40:05:02 – 00:40:16:15

Matt

Yeah. And then and then at the end of the movie, when he decides, you know what, I think I will go back to the NHL and he’s, he’s starting for the LA Kings. And they say starting at wing. Now he’s no longer a stupid defenseman.

00:40:16:15 – 00:40:21:04

Laci

He’s part of the flying V. I’ve seen the Mighty Ducks. I know.

00:40:21:05 – 00:40:45:03

Matt

So yeah. So these are the Lansing Ice cats. Now, look, to be fair, I looked this up. The the the, NHL is the biggest minor league, system in North America. It is basically the equivalent hockey’s equivalent of Triple-A baseball, and it is affiliated and NHL teams. Do you know, have a relationship? Yeah. Where you send someone down or pull someone up from this team.

00:40:45:03 – 00:40:48:16

Matt

So this team is supposed to be the feeder team for the LA Kings. And I.

00:40:48:16 – 00:40:51:21

Laci

Think they mean that clear ish when they bring in the new.

00:40:51:21 – 00:41:13:03

Matt

Guy in in real life, Grand Rapids, Michigan has an NHL team, the Grand Rapids Griffins and they have averaged 7000 fans per game per year. They are one of the most successful, minor league teams, period. So it’s like, okay, in in Michigan, for whatever reason, minor league hockey can be big. I will, I will by that.

00:41:13:03 – 00:41:23:12

Matt

What I, what I am annoyed with the movie for is for having like, no interest in exploring the like a minor league or the culture of a minor league.

00:41:23:12 – 00:41:43:22

Laci

How much money is he making? Does he have a nice apartment? Does he live in a nice area? Is he is he doing work on the side? He’s got an older car that seems to be like, a glorious past life where he got that, vanity plate customized in that car would have been really cool, like ten years ago.

00:41:44:00 – 00:41:48:03

Laci

So, like, I cannot tell if he has money. Money does not seem to be an issue.

00:41:48:03 – 00:41:52:09

Matt

Here, right? It’s not. And then how does he feel about all of it? How does he feel about anything?

00:41:52:10 – 00:41:58:06

Laci

He’s hot and cold. He’s all over the fucking. But he is whatever. The directors. Okay, now a smile, whatever.

00:41:58:08 – 00:42:03:21

Matt

On on a scene by scene. Like he’s like a, he’s like changing his, like, quantum identity from second to second.

00:42:03:22 – 00:42:25:19

Laci

Thank you. I was so I don’t know who this guy is. He doesn’t make sense. He’s bipolar. Doesn’t work because that’s how bipolar is. And he’s he’s never two mean he’s never he is sometimes so nice that it’s uncomfortable. He’s awkward. He doesn’t know what to say. And then he says just the right thing. He’s down to earth.

00:42:25:19 – 00:42:33:16

Laci

And then he has no idea, like the audience he’s talking to. And then he’s the realest motherfucker alive. I can’t track him.

00:42:33:16 – 00:42:44:00

Matt

Yeah, and this is the thing where I don’t. I wouldn’t blame a single actor in this movie, most of whom I think they’re doing their best. They’re doing their wrong. He is charming. He has moments in the movie where you’re like, yep, there he is, there he is.

00:42:44:02 – 00:42:46:20

Laci

And then he comes through and I’m like, okay, all right, all right.

00:42:46:21 – 00:42:53:16

Matt

It is you. So she directed that Michael Lembeck, the director, seems to have no idea who anybody is on a scene by scene basis.

00:42:53:16 – 00:43:00:00

Laci

Right? Right. He’s like got the script when they did or like right that moments. Okay. So this is a scene where we do this. All right.

00:43:00:02 – 00:43:18:10

Matt

So so action. The crowd is chanting truth. So they send in Derek Thompson. His name is Derek Thompson. Is Ezra Klein on the team. Does he have thoughts about how we should let billionaires do whatever they want anyway? They’re chanting tooth. Derek Thompson is the tooth fairy. And what he does, the coach tells him, find a dark jersey and hit it.

00:43:18:15 – 00:43:27:14

Matt

So he just goes in and mouths somebody out and and knocks their tooth out and then destroys the glass, gets sent to the penalty box where he has his own customized recliner chair.

00:43:27:19 – 00:43:37:19

Laci

And then makes a bunch of horrific puns like, you can’t handle the tooth. Yeah, calm the fuck down. Also, get in your box. You’re slowing down. Gameplay. What are you doing?

00:43:37:21 – 00:43:48:05

Matt

And it’s like getting your box. The minor league minor league baseball, which I know better than I know minor league hockey, I like hockey, I just don’t watch it enough to understand it.

00:43:48:07 – 00:43:48:16

Laci

It looks.

00:43:48:16 – 00:44:04:09

Matt

Fun. Yeah, yeah. But I when when the NBA playoffs are, I start watching an NBA playoff game every night, the game will end and I’ll be like, oh, check out the NHL playoff game. And it’s fun, and I think I should do this more. And then I never do that. I have been saying this to myself for 15 years.

00:44:04:09 – 00:44:05:18

Matt

I should watch NHL. You know, it.

00:44:05:18 – 00:44:18:08

Laci

Never occurred to me, but these fans basically have to go into a refrigerator to watch this game because they’re all dressed in like, winter stuff. But the rest of the movie, it’s the spring or the summer. Like, there’s no it’s not cold ice.

00:44:18:08 – 00:44:20:20

Matt

I don’t know, I’ve been to hockey games. Sure, it wasn’t cold.

00:44:20:21 – 00:44:35:14

Laci

Never thought about it. Like, look at them. Look at the way they’re dressed. Look at how the hockey players are dressed. And then. Then picture the then look at the costuming for every time he’s not in the rink. It’s like it was shot in two different seasons. Unless this is just how it is. Maybe it’s cold in there.

00:44:35:15 – 00:44:37:07

Laci

I do not know.

00:44:37:09 – 00:44:56:16

Matt

Minor league baseball certainly has like, this is legit sports. But also there’s like some stunts, like weird, like there’s fireworks. Okay. Like like it’s like 10% more globetrotters because it’s like, we gotta get the fans in somehow. And so a guy who’s like, now it’s the tooth fairy, he comes out, he lays the guy out and then gets in his recliner.

00:44:56:19 – 00:44:58:19

Matt

All that seems like a minor league stunt.

00:44:58:21 – 00:45:00:12

Laci

It’s like in place of a mascot.

00:45:00:12 – 00:45:12:12

Matt

We do this or because of it. And you would think that maybe this guy, as the main character of our movie, this will be a story about him. And how does he feel about being that guy? No, no, no, until the election of that.

00:45:12:14 – 00:45:29:17

Laci

Clown, is he in on the joke? Does he hate it? Is he is he a big ruffian outside? Does he like overly aggressive? Does he bring it with him off the court, or is he just. You don’t expect it, but he’s actually a total sweetheart. He’s none of those things. Not all of them. So then this fucking guy, this twerp, make this stick.

00:45:29:17 – 00:45:33:05

Laci

I want to break him with an ax.

00:45:33:07 – 00:45:42:21

Matt

So you’re like, okay, I know what this movie’s about. The meet the new hot prospect on the team. His name is Mick the Stick. Got it. Mick the stick. Donnelly.

00:45:43:00 – 00:45:49:03

Laci

We’re a he’s going to we’re going to see some camaraderie here after. Like they prove themselves to each other.

00:45:49:05 – 00:46:05:23

Matt

This will be interesting. Like Ted Lasso story where eventually you’re like, okay, they won. There’s this asshole hat. He’s like a Connor McDavid, like, hot shot young hockey prospect. Who knows? I’m just here for even the. The coach is like, he’s just going to be here for a cup of coffee before he gets called up to the Kings.

00:46:05:23 – 00:46:10:14

Matt

But till then, the rock. I want you to look after him. And the Rock’s like, okay.

00:46:10:14 – 00:46:28:01

Laci

Okay, my shirts off. Is anyone else upset that he gets made fun of while his nipples are out? It’s just that it’s me. You just, like, let him pose for clothes. Mick, before you start saying the most cliched, obvious. A guy that’s slightly older than me. Comments. It’s like, at least be clever.

00:46:28:04 – 00:46:28:13

Matt

He goes up.

00:46:28:13 – 00:46:29:03

Laci

Clever.

00:46:29:06 – 00:46:35:10

Matt

He’s like, welcome to pro hockey kid. And Mick the stick is like, is there an old timer’s game today.

00:46:35:16 – 00:46:42:07

Laci

Mean he’s brand new? Pay your dues, you little twerp ass bitch. Don’t make me hate you and then not care about you at all.

00:46:42:09 – 00:46:46:20

Matt

That’s the thing. You’re like, oh, like, I can’t wait to watch this guy get get his comeuppance.

00:46:46:20 – 00:46:49:09

Laci

No, not even satisfying. A couple things happened.

00:46:49:09 – 00:46:52:10

Matt

Not this case. This guy is like, in two and a half more scenes in the.

00:46:52:10 – 00:46:57:21

Laci

Movie, and he’s a completely, obnoxious in a way that’s not fun.

00:46:57:23 – 00:47:04:16

Matt

Yeah. Every time he’s played by professional skateboarder Ryan Heckler, for sure they’ve gotten an actual hockey player to play like, get. Why not?

00:47:04:16 – 00:47:27:00

Laci

Why not talk actual trash? Trash that is spoken? How about say things that are real? How about interview a minor league fucking hockey player and ask, is there a dynamic with people who are older so that that’s why they’re here and people are young because they haven’t gone to the pros yet and that’s why they’re here. So there is this kind of weird age mishmash that happens more often in this kind of league than in, you know, advanced leagues.

00:47:27:02 – 00:47:28:02

Laci

That’s an interesting.

00:47:28:02 – 00:47:28:12

Matt

Yeah.

00:47:28:14 – 00:47:29:16

Laci

Let’s explore that.

00:47:29:21 – 00:47:33:15

Matt

The movie Bull Durham is like about that very thing of like of Kevin Costner, people.

00:47:33:15 – 00:47:34:16

Laci

Coming in and people going.

00:47:34:16 – 00:47:47:12

Matt

Out. And my role here, I’m never going to be in the majors again, but I can be here to help the guys whose destiny is to be in the majors. But then also, you know, what is my my place in the universe and all that, and then the love for the game anyway, right?

00:47:47:13 – 00:47:51:03

Laci

There’s nothing like that now. So why even is he a hockey player?

00:47:51:03 – 00:47:54:18

Matt

Even though so much of this movie takes place in this hockey arena during hockey, and.

00:47:54:18 – 00:48:07:18

Laci

Then he puts on, I feel like the whole thing is just so he can be a bad ass looking tooth fairy, like, what can we do to a tooth fairy costume that isn’t completely weird? And it doesn’t, you know, Jack, the fucking Batman’s costume, hockey stuff.

00:48:07:19 – 00:48:17:01

Matt

Yeah. I think the whole thing started with, like, oh, we’ll call it the tooth fairy, because he. What’s a sport where people get their teeth knocked out? Hockey. Great. That’s it. That’s the only. It went no farther than that.

00:48:17:01 – 00:48:19:23

Laci

Can the rock skate, does he mean he does skate?

00:48:19:23 – 00:48:22:07

Matt

They okay.

00:48:22:09 – 00:48:36:10

Laci

I’m saying they didn’t ask these questions. Can the rock skate? Does he look like a toddler when he wears a big giant jersey? Should he be around other professional hockey players that then dwarf him or equal him and make him look small when the point is, is that the rock is.

00:48:36:11 – 00:48:37:21

Matt

Big.

00:48:37:23 – 00:48:58:20

Laci

Does everyone look stupid with blood pads and hip pads? Yes. You cannot look cool skating your ass off while half of the rest of your ass is still behind you like Big Momma hips and you’re I can’t. It’s so awkward. You’re taking away his coolness. And that’s what the rock is.

00:48:58:22 – 00:49:22:11

Matt

Cool. Welcome to pro hockey, kid. Yeah, there are old timers game today. I didn’t realize you even still playing, man. I used to be a big fan. See you later, man. And then the camera just lingers on the rocks phase. It changes, like, a tiny bit. And then the most twinkly, like, piano chords start going. It’s like, you know, I’m scared anymore.

00:49:22:11 – 00:49:30:15

Matt

But then he immediately moves on. He’s feeling bad for himself. But bunch of fans are like the tooth fairy. Please make me sign you. Sign our shit.

00:49:30:15 – 00:49:34:13

Laci

The first earnest looking kid with his little face the most.

00:49:34:13 – 00:49:49:15

Matt

Don’t be mean to me, little kid. And we have the one good scene of the movie now, Laci went into the room to watch the beginning of the movie with me. I was so upset and you were like, I can’t wait to watch you watch this. And I had AirPods into. You didn’t even hear the movie. You’re just staring at my face as I watched the movie.

00:49:49:15 – 00:49:53:05

Laci

And I’m waiting and waiting for you to validate my feelings. Like, why isn’t he cringing listening for.

00:49:53:06 – 00:49:55:02

Matt

Like, five minutes? And I was like, oh, it’s not bad.

00:49:55:04 – 00:50:13:01

Laci

And to me, this scene is the first time you see how it makes sense. He’s in the middle of the game. He’s acting all gregarious. Okay, fine. Then then he’s in the locker room, he’s given a little twerp, and then his face gets a little screwed up because it talks a little asshole. That makes sense. Then it comes to this.

00:50:13:01 – 00:50:23:01

Laci

So now he’s got that on his mind. Then he puts on this fake ass smile and he’s doing, I guess this is where I first noticed, like, this guy’s tone is all over the place.

00:50:23:03 – 00:50:41:11

Matt

Well, okay. But but it is a it is a glimpse into the kind of character he could have been playing in the kind of movie this would shoot. Yes. Okay, so this little kid, his name is Gabe, and he’s like, Mr. Thompson, I’m the third leading scorer of my hockey league. And he’s like, that’s fantastic, Gabe. And he’s like one day I’m going to play in the big leagues just like you used to.

00:50:41:12 – 00:50:56:06

Matt

And then like some Curb Your Enthusiasm music starts playing in the locker room, gets a little smirk on his face, and he’s like, and you can see it like this, all right? You just got fucking. So, well. And the kid’s like, I practice every day, and I like his dad and button, and he’s like, I driving to practice almost every day.

00:50:56:08 – 00:51:10:07

Matt

Okay. How are you? Eight? He’s like, here’s the deal. You’re it. You’re the third leading scorer in your league. And somewhere in this country there’s a seven year old. He’s leading scorer in his league, but he’s going up against 12 year olds. And let me tell you, every single town has one of those kids. And all those kids are going to battle each other.

00:51:10:11 – 00:51:17:20

Matt

And, you know, 1% of all those kids is going to make it to the big leagues. And then 1% of them are actually going to be stars. So, you know,

00:51:17:22 – 00:51:48:11

Laci

And I think that’s fair. I like that is exactly what it’s like. And in that moment, you feel like you’re not being given any respect for how hard it was for you to get right where you are, and you’re taking on this kid. Fine. That’s a little bit misguided. But you’re right. Like, this guy can’t be downtrodden. This can’t be about that, because they immediately throw you into this story where he has the most gorgeous fucking girlfriend, with the most adorable kids who want his love.

00:51:48:11 – 00:51:56:05

Laci

Yeah, he’s got a little bit of an uphill battle with the with the boy, but, like, he just looks like he has a great fucking life so that.

00:51:56:07 – 00:51:56:19

Matt

Yeah, he.

00:51:56:19 – 00:51:57:10

Laci

Watches.

00:51:57:10 – 00:52:18:11

Matt

It. Right? So, so well. And he says it’s funny all right. And let’s say you do make the NHL. And the kid brightens up. He’s like, yeah. And then the ruckus says, you won’t. And the kid immediately like looks down. He’s like, you know, you make it to the show and then the show hits you in the face, and then you get sent down to the minors, and then you fucking hurt your shoulder, and then you never make it out of the minors.

00:52:18:11 – 00:52:24:15

Matt

So lower your expectations. That’s how you’re going to be happy. And then he does the most charming Dwayne Johnson smile ever. And he’s gonna take care. Gabe.

00:52:24:18 – 00:52:29:16

Laci

Well, and you said that they don’t do a good job of laying out that that’s what happened to him. He says in the very beginning of.

00:52:29:16 – 00:52:49:19

Matt

The movie, Matt not that that I’m talking about how he feels about it and how the movie feels about it and how we’re supposed to feel about it, because I think that thematically, there should be a link to him coming into this family as like, new dad figures. Yes, him realizing, like, it’s okay that I couldn’t make it back to the NHL.

00:52:50:00 – 00:53:10:03

Matt

It’s okay. Like this. This young boy who’s I like his mom, but maybe I don’t like him so much. You know what? I am starting to bond with him. Oh, there is there is beauty in learning to accept the life you have, not the life that you wish you could have. It’s so cruel. But then the movie even has the poisonous idea that, like, the only reason he doesn’t have that life is because he’s not motivated.

00:53:10:03 – 00:53:15:04

Laci

Enough pushing her. He won’t keep trying, keep failing, keep killing his body.

00:53:15:06 – 00:53:22:04

Matt

So. So there’s just like this, the don’t don’t believe in the power of dreams, kid. Don’t do it.

00:53:22:06 – 00:53:38:07

Laci

So what, he asks at the end of this movie. Spoiler alert he asks a mom to marry her. She says yes. The kids could not be fucking happier. And then he makes it to the pros. So now he’s a shitty dad. Yay! Now he fucking tours and now he’s he’s never available and he cares about his body.

00:53:38:12 – 00:53:42:19

Matt

And like, I mean, he still would have been touring in the age of fine.

00:53:42:19 – 00:53:56:14

Laci

But it’s so much more chill. And now he’s not going to last as long as he would have physically. He doesn’t have as much time. He’s getting way more like fan adoration, which will put a strain on any marriage. I just what are we rooting for?

00:53:56:14 – 00:54:02:19

Matt

I mean, that’s what two, three, two is about with Larry the Cable Guy helps out. But really, this is like.

00:54:02:21 – 00:54:03:17

Laci

Can we get off the first.

00:54:03:20 – 00:54:19:08

Matt

In the movie, that you got to dream big. That feels like an AI generated prompt for what is the theme of the kid’s movie going to be The Power of Dreaming? But like, okay, a meaner movie would have the Rock. He. This is who he would be. He? Yes.

00:54:19:10 – 00:54:20:11

Laci

Peter bitter.

00:54:20:11 – 00:54:34:07

Matt

And he can be charming, but he is an asshole. He is basically Tim Allen in the Santa Clause. Yes, that’s what he should be. Yes. And then, ironically, this movie was directed by The Santa Clause two, and right where Tim Allen is no longer a mean asshole. Oh, okay.

00:54:34:09 – 00:54:50:01

Laci

And now immediately to him being so annoying with a kid, I’m sorry. I know the kid’s into it, but. But if I were his fucking girlfriend, I’d be like, you need time to fucking dad. Cause you’re annoying the shit out of me with your Dracula impression. With French fries in your mouth. Those are the teeth with ketchup on.

00:54:50:04 – 00:55:10:09

Laci

I get it’s blood. You’re good. Drop the ketchup. You look insane. He’s in the kitchen with his. We don’t know who this is. We don’t know this is in his family. But we do immediately see that, like the teenage son thinks it’s very dumb what he’s doing. So I don’t know if this is like a jilted son who’s just, like, not getting as much attention as is, the sister.

00:55:10:09 – 00:55:18:08

Laci

Or like, he thinks his dad is in hockey too long. Like the vibes in here. I do not understand. I don’t know how long this couple’s been together.

00:55:18:08 – 00:55:19:02

Matt

Right, right, right.

00:55:19:02 – 00:55:36:07

Laci

I’m not reading any of it. And then when she’s like, okay, well, I’m going and or the kid’s like, can you leave now? So, so Derek can babysit me, babysit you, and he’s so is is your Manny is like, is that how you guys met it? Was he, like, sitting for you is like, in doing. What is.

00:55:36:07 – 00:55:45:06

Matt

This? And then you wanted to show you then Ashley Judd, who plays the mom whose name? She doesn’t have a name. She’s just mom, kisses the rock. So we’re like, oh, okay.

00:55:45:06 – 00:55:53:09

Laci

And he puts his lips on so far away from his face so that the gorgeous, flawless fucking Ashley Judd doesn’t get too close to his goddamn sexless lips.

00:55:53:14 – 00:56:14:23

Matt

The little girl is like, mommy, mommy, I lost my tooth. The tooth fairy is going to visit me, and the Rock’s like, hey, I’m the tooth fairy. And she’s like, no, Shelley. I mean the real tooth fairy. Okay, so he has a great relationship with the girl, but then the older boy is like, stupid mommy, can I be excused to do homework because I’m perfect?

00:56:15:01 – 00:56:21:23

Matt

How does the rock feel about coming in and taking over a surrogate dad in this family? Why does he like the little girl so much better than the little boy?

00:56:21:23 – 00:56:25:21

Laci

The oblivious? He seems to be okay with whatever the fuck he’s giving.

00:56:25:23 – 00:56:26:13

Matt

So. Yeah.

00:56:26:14 – 00:56:39:22

Laci

No, you skipped right over. Or maybe you didn’t. That he now has, like, a fucking poker party with the boys. Yeah. So whose boys are these? Does she know these boys? You haven’t been dating that long? Whose friends are these? You don’t seem to.

00:56:40:01 – 00:56:41:09

Matt

Be his teammates.

00:56:41:10 – 00:56:43:14

Laci

Why are you at this woman’s house?

00:56:43:16 – 00:56:44:16

Matt

You’re babysitting.

00:56:44:17 – 00:56:50:13

Laci

But why do you have a poker game with a bunch of grown men with a tiny children in the house? It’s fucking weird.

00:56:50:14 – 00:57:00:08

Matt

But a wholesome poker game where they’re not drinking or smoking. They’re just eating California pizza. Kitchen. And Ashley Judd then comes home and is like, oh, you boys all right? And they’re like.

00:57:00:11 – 00:57:07:06

Laci

Hey, a sex ring with my children. This is clearly some sort of trafficking circle. You guys aren’t even drinking or eating. Why are you here?

00:57:07:08 – 00:57:08:23

Matt

Oh, yeah. Some really sinister shit, is it?

00:57:09:00 – 00:57:12:07

Laci

What is the draw for you guys? This is what you do with your Friday.

00:57:12:11 – 00:57:18:09

Matt

Hey, Angel Studios. Jim Caviezel, what’s that? Guys? Tim Ballard, you need to get on this. Hit on.

00:57:18:10 – 00:57:24:09

Laci

This? What’s, what’s actually going on? We’re sneaking in bedrooms. We’re having secrets we keep for mommy. What the fuck?

00:57:24:11 – 00:57:42:00

Matt

But, yeah, he’s like the girls. Like, you gotta be sent me tonight. The moms, like, I have to go out and do my mom. All right. Goodbye. So he’s having a poker night with the guys, and they’re like, we’re just. We are hockey team. Yes. And Dwayne Johnson is like, oh, shoot. I have a terrific winning hand.

00:57:42:00 – 00:57:44:01

Matt

I do, but I’m a little short on cash.

00:57:44:03 – 00:57:50:09

Laci

I’m so short on cash. I need $1 or maybe $10 from underneath the little girl’s pillow upstairs.

00:57:50:09 – 00:58:06:14

Matt

Although I forgot one crucial detail. Because this guy, he’s not an asshole, like I thought, like, that’s funny. He’s stealing the girl’s money from under her pillow. That’s fun. And it would be funny if then he lost it in the bed. I’m sorry. I bet I’m sorry. Ashley Judd. I bet your daughter’s tooth fairy money in poker in less.

00:58:06:16 – 00:58:20:00

Matt

But he even said to Ashley Judd, don’t worry. I’ll take care of the tooth fairy. So this is his own money that he put under her pillow just to make it a little less evil. Yeah. But no, he wins. He has a terrific hand. So he has all of his cash. He just forgot to go back upstairs and puts it.

00:58:20:02 – 00:58:23:18

Laci

He’s a great wife. Why isn’t he fucking stop whining about it?

00:58:23:20 – 00:58:28:21

Matt

And the daughter wakes up and she’s like, mommy, my money’s gone. So, yeah, he.

00:58:28:23 – 00:58:34:11

Laci

He’s not even in trouble at every turn. He’s on trouble with this woman. Like there’s not really any stakes.

00:58:34:12 – 00:58:36:22

Matt

Well, he does get in trouble for this, and this.

00:58:36:22 – 00:58:41:18

Laci

Doesn’t. Hold on. Oh, you’re right, you’re holding. Oh, I remember, I remember.

00:58:41:20 – 00:58:59:21

Matt

So they go into the room. She’s like, my money’s gone in the rocks. Like, oh, well, shit. Okay, listen, maybe I like that. Ashley Judd’s like, I think that what happened is they took your tooth up to the tooth monitor to see how much it’s worth, and the rock is like, yeah, that’s how it works. And I like the the little girls like, that is not how.

00:58:59:23 – 00:59:14:17

Matt

Yes. It’s a little funny. Yeah. So. So the rock takes out a roll of cash and he’s like, listen, just tell me when to stop. And you can have as much as you want. But that’s not going to work. Ashley Judd is on the floor. She’s pulling money out of her own while it’s like, oh, I found it.

00:59:14:17 – 00:59:22:15

Matt

And the rock is like, all right, Tess, you’re a big girl now, so I got to tell you, there’s no such thing as the tooth. And Ashley Judd springs up. She’s like, found it.

00:59:22:19 – 00:59:40:20

Laci

Yeah. Fuck that guy. Have you. Have you never seen a movie where the step parent not your roll man. This is not what you do. I’m saying, like, he’s so tone deaf. No one would think this is okay. You don’t. That’s so. It’s so this what I’m saying? He he has. He’s an idiot. And then he’s brilliant, and then he’s an idiot.

00:59:40:20 – 00:59:45:03

Laci

And then. And then he’s been. And then he’s so nice and he’s so understanding. Then he doesn’t understand anything.

00:59:45:03 – 01:00:05:00

Matt

Well, if he doesn’t understand it, then that there’s a source of tension, like, I’m sorry, I. Yeah, I don’t have kids. I don’t know how this works. I’m new to this, babe. I’m figuring it all out. You know, I just want the respect. Just the. You could you could get actual story shit out of that idea, but it’s like he he thinks like, no, no, no, I’m just going to tell her there’s no such thing as this tooth fairy.

01:00:05:00 – 01:00:09:14

Matt

But then there’s this. I mean, this movie’s also like, who gives a shit about the tooth fairy?

01:00:09:14 – 01:00:21:09

Laci

Fucking shit. The stakes could not be lower. The tooth fairy is like the first thing you tell them doesn’t exist. They don’t even make the connection to the Easter Bunny in. And Santa for you. This two three. Stupid.

01:00:21:11 – 01:00:22:06

Matt

Right? Right.

01:00:22:06 – 01:00:23:16

Laci

Like they live in two. Slain.

01:00:23:16 – 01:00:38:07

Matt

Okay, but my teeth lazy. If he actually did just go out and say there’s no tooth fairy. And if Ashley Judd did get mad at him, he would be like, all right, calm down. It’s not like he told her there’s no Santa. Like, then I’d be like, okay, you you ruined her fun for a long time.

01:00:38:07 – 01:00:40:03

Laci

And my way to, like, punch.

01:00:40:05 – 01:00:54:09

Matt

Exactly. So she they’re arguing. She’s like you. You can’t tell her she’s my daughter. You don’t tell her where the tooth fairies is. You know your problems are. You think the dreams are stupid. And he’s like, I just don’t want her to have unrealistic expectations.

01:00:54:09 – 01:01:10:17

Laci

But what? Kids are dreaming of the tooth fairy, I know. Oh, I dream to lose all of my teeth one day. Okay, but true story. My dad did take a hammer to his teeth when he wanted some money as a kid because he thought that is how it worked, and he knocked out permanent teeth with a hammer. At his own home.

01:01:10:19 – 01:01:15:19

Laci

I don’t know that he got any money, but, like, he definitely thought it was, like, you know, a revenue stream.

01:01:15:21 – 01:01:19:15

Matt

Was a revenue stream. It’s like. I think I figured, I think I figured it out.

01:01:19:15 – 01:01:20:15

Laci

It was not.

01:01:20:17 – 01:01:39:17

Matt

This is like a renewable resource. They just keep coming back. So she’s like, you know what, Derek? Goodbye for the night. And he’s like, what? No. No sex. It’s like not even a single handjob. And so he has to go home and do it himself. But that night he finds under his pillow a summons from the Department of Dissemination of Disbelief.

01:01:39:17 – 01:01:45:16

Laci

To bid, at least in the Santa Clause. It was funny and interesting how it all happens. This is a summons.

01:01:45:16 – 01:01:47:04

Matt

It doesn’t even make sense. It is.

01:01:47:04 – 01:02:03:09

Laci

So how many people don’t believe how many people are just free labor? I don’t like no one believes in the tooth fairy. And guess what? If there were money under your pillow and you didn’t put it there for your kid? I believe in the fucking tooth fairy. Like either it is or it isn’t.

01:02:03:11 – 01:02:05:01

Matt

The Santa Clause also has that.

01:02:05:02 – 01:02:05:17

Laci

Price up.

01:02:05:19 – 01:02:15:10

Matt

For the yeah, wait, do the parents think Sam is real or not? And later in this movie, a dad will go into his child’s room to put tooth fairy money, right? And then encounters the tooth fairy. What do parents think in this universe?

01:02:15:10 – 01:02:19:02

Laci

And do they get a summons? What are you. Why are you doubting the tooth fairy? But there’s.

01:02:19:02 – 01:02:36:03

Matt

Another story. Beat that the movie’s like. No, not interested in that. Where Seth MacFarlane’s like, you realize this is all a big scam. They they enlist you, tooth fairy labor is all being done by people who fuck up like this, and then they have to go do. It’s like jury duty, and then their memory is wiped and it’s like, even that’s a funny idea for okay.

01:02:36:03 – 01:02:47:15

Matt

Yeah. You find out it’s like a prison camp up there, So the Rock sees the summons and he’s like, And then he springs wings from his back, which.

01:02:47:17 – 01:02:57:02

Laci

I don’t like how they poke out like this. Very. It’s like back boobs. It grosses me out every time. I’m glad that they don’t them grow that growing well. But like, oh no, I’ve got nubbins.

01:02:57:02 – 01:03:06:10

Matt

Oh. And he’s like, oh well I have wings. I’m in A22. Oh. And then he gets sucked away to heaven or whatever.

01:03:06:12 – 01:03:09:10

Laci

To an airport, to a large bank.

01:03:09:12 – 01:03:12:05

Matt

I yeah, it’s got, there’s no imagination.

01:03:12:05 – 01:03:32:09

Laci

Everything’s pastel. Everyone’s in silk. There’s tutus for the women and Peter Pan outfits for the men. And then everyone’s a fairy. But you’re also in the Postal Service, and you’re also like a checkout person. What do you mean, right? The Santa Claus, everyone’s not some version of a Santa.

01:03:32:10 – 01:03:48:07

Matt

True. And I think that I think the, the one good idea they have is that it’s kind of like a post office, post office with like, pneumatic tubes and how you like a pneumatic tube. But you’re right, it it it looks like shit that’s so bland and drab and pastel and and, Yeah. No, imagine it’s empty.

01:03:48:08 – 01:03:53:16

Laci

Just like you felt like the Santa Claus world was empty. And I didn’t. It didn’t bother me there because everything else was funny about.

01:03:53:16 – 01:04:00:16

Matt

It, but. But it looked so like plastic and fake. But at least it’s like they tried to make something there.

01:04:00:17 – 01:04:06:00

Laci

This is just something that already exists and is very, very boring. Who would want this? Who would want to be this?

01:04:06:02 – 01:04:16:09

Matt

All right, so Stephen Merchant, he, co-creator of The Office with Ricky Gervais, he’s a big part of this movie. And crucially, he is six foot seven. He is taller than the rock.

01:04:16:10 – 01:04:26:04

Laci

Why pick someone that is. I mean, I guess that’s the point. He’s. They’re supposed to be your adversary, your equal. You’re supposed to buy it a little bit, I guess. And he says authority.

01:04:26:06 – 01:04:44:07

Matt

And he’s just got like a very different kind of energy. It’s like it’s it’s not a bad thing. Yeah. And he’s fine and he’s funny and funny. And the Rock, produced, pretty, pretty okay. Wrestling movie fighting with my family that he hired Stephen Merchant to direct. Okay, that’s about the only thing interesting about that. Connection.

01:04:44:08 – 01:05:06:20

Laci

I think they have chemistry. I just don’t think there’s. There’s nothing. There’s nothing for them to do. Yeah, it’s not compelling what they set out to do. I’m annoyed every time he’s, like, summoned to go do it. Who could do this? The tooth fairy industry is just about ruining human lives. I mean, because, like, what if you’re the sole caregiver of a small child and you just get.

01:05:07:01 – 01:05:14:16

Laci

No, you gotta go, you gotta go. Let’s go. Get the fuck out of here. What if you’re driving? What if you got kids in your car? What are you. Oh, what if you’re a pilot?

01:05:14:16 – 01:05:15:07

Matt

You’re a pilot? Yeah.

01:05:15:08 – 01:05:16:21

Laci

Fuck are you talking about?

01:05:17:00 – 01:05:17:21

Matt

That’s what 911.

01:05:17:21 – 01:05:21:15

Laci

Was the most important thing is not that that fairy belief.

01:05:21:15 – 01:05:28:12

Matt

Happens, but this movie wants you to, Can you imagine how. No, you can’t, because you have no imagination.

01:05:28:12 – 01:05:30:16

Laci

I never what it is.

01:05:30:18 – 01:05:42:05

Matt

All right, so the people are like, you’re the worst person in the world. You’re a dream killer. And all these people are like, you suck, dream killer. We hate you. And then Julie Andrews arrives, and she’s like the head fairy or whatever.

01:05:42:06 – 01:05:46:03

Laci

She’s fine. I like her. Fine is good, but, like, why?

01:05:46:05 – 01:06:09:17

Matt

Hey, hey, come here and, like, have some gravitas and some, like, Mary Poppins magic. To it. So. So the people will just, like, trick themselves into being like, oh, this movie is full of whimsy and charm. Oh, it’s Julie Andrews law. And, and she’s she comes in, she stops the fake. She’s like, boys, boys, you’re behaving like leprechauns.

01:06:09:19 – 01:06:10:05

Matt

There’s.

01:06:10:05 – 01:06:13:21

Laci

Was I wrong? They say leprechaun three times.

01:06:13:23 – 01:06:31:03

Matt

A lot of references to leprechauns pick it up. So she’s like, so, sorry about the foul up with your outfit because he’s wearing a girl’s tutu. But we’re having budget problems. Here’s the problem. Our funding’s drying up because kids don’t believe anymore. They don’t believe in two theories. And also. And the movie knows who gives a shit about the tooth fairy, so they have to tie it in.

01:06:31:06 – 01:06:36:17

Matt

They also don’t believe in unicorns or leprechauns or dragons. When did they ever?

01:06:36:22 – 01:06:41:05

Laci

Why do they imagine dragons as a band name if they could believe in them?

01:06:41:07 – 01:06:57:00

Matt

He’s. So here’s the deal, bub. You got to serve for two weeks as a tooth fairy. But if you fuck up on the job, or if you let anyone know that you’re the tooth fairy, your sentence gets extended. It’s like when I had detention in eighth grade, but if I didn’t go, I’d have two detentions, and if I didn’t go to one, I’d have four.

01:06:57:00 – 01:07:13:08

Matt

And it kept doubling until you ended up with 144 just like that. And it was that my mom was never angrier with me than when that happened. It was my one stretch as a bad kid. Okay, again, an okay idea that the movie doesn’t do anything with is like, actually the tooth fairy is like a, like a debt slave.

01:07:13:10 – 01:07:14:17

Matt

Or like, like, you know, Ready Player.

01:07:14:17 – 01:07:20:23

Laci

One, because teeth are gross when they’re not in your mouth and when they’re in your mouth.

01:07:21:00 – 01:07:22:07

Matt

All right, well, poop.

01:07:22:07 – 01:07:23:18

Laci

Fairy legal.

01:07:23:20 – 01:07:24:11

Matt

The big one.

01:07:24:11 – 01:07:24:22

Laci

I don’t know.

01:07:24:22 – 01:07:29:21

Matt

Just milk. So he ends up in the correct outfit with just some blue pajamas and then meets Billy Crystal, and.

01:07:29:21 – 01:07:39:08

Laci

They’re like, oh, he’s going to go meet Jerry. Oh, you mean a delightful fucking man. I love Billy Crystal. I mean, he’s he’s he’s going a little heavy because there’s nothing to do here.

01:07:39:08 – 01:07:39:22

Matt

Yeah. They’re letting him.

01:07:39:22 – 01:07:41:23

Laci

Go. They’re just let him go I like them.

01:07:41:23 – 01:08:00:03

Matt

Yeah. The moments that work in this movie are just like, oh, I like that actor. Yeah, that’s funny that they’re doing that thing. Like whenever Stephen Merchant does his, like puttering and murmuring around. Yes, yes, I like that. Or when the rock gets to be charming or an asshole, I like it. Billy Crystal going off. You know, he’s he has one great I think I pretty funny line.

01:08:00:05 – 01:08:15:09

Matt

He’s showing him he’s so his role is he’s the he’s the cute James Bond. Here’s your weapons. You have, invisibility spray. This one that has a magic generator button. It’ll make anything appear, but you have to be able to believe. But you don’t. So don’t. So you’re not going to be able to use it, so fuck you.

01:08:15:15 – 01:08:33:00

Matt

Also, here is some shrinking paste. And then Billy Crystal is like, you want to do it together on let’s do it together. Come on, let’s get small. Sometimes when I’m at home with my wife, I’ll take a double hit. I’ll be three inches tall, and then when she’s asleep, I’ll walk all over her. See, when you’ve been married a long time, you do stuff like that.

01:08:33:02 – 01:08:34:02

Matt

Okay. That is.

01:08:34:04 – 01:08:40:20

Laci

It’s funny, but at this point in the movie, I’m aggravated. I’m like, okay, you made me laugh. This feels like a waste.

01:08:40:21 – 01:08:42:10

Matt

Yeah. You resent the last.

01:08:42:11 – 01:08:42:19

Laci

Yeah.

01:08:42:19 – 01:08:43:08

Matt

When they come.

01:08:43:08 – 01:08:54:09

Laci

I’m like, no, fuck you. You you’re you’re manipulating me. I didn’t ask for, like, a stand up set in the middle of a shitty movie because I’m gonna laugh. But this isn’t mean. You’re doing a good job, right? You’re tickling me. That’s cheating.

01:08:54:10 – 01:09:11:05

Matt

No. You’re right. Yes, it is a it. Well, it’s a cheap. It’s a cheap pop. To reference wrestling. I just heard Stone cold music and I. What? Yeah, but this is just a Pavlovian. You just. You just press the button in my brain. All right. So later, he’s, like, getting debriefed by the clerk at the office because it’s like a Beetlejuice.

01:09:11:05 – 01:09:31:13

Matt

Like bureaucracy of an afterlife. It’s like DSM. It’s beard bitches. They never test. They are back. And she’s like, yeah, okay. And she’s like, here, there’s a coupon good down in the gift shop. And he’s just like, oh, the gift shop. I know that was that’s kind of funny to everything. That’s funny. Pisses me off. Yeah Julie Andrews he goes up to and he’s like, okay, fine.

01:09:31:13 – 01:09:47:21

Matt

After everything I’ve seen, I believe in the tooth fairy. But it’s just a bad time for me. I can’t dude, I got a thing going on with my sports ball, ball, sports puck. And, my girl, I gotta patch things up with my girlfriend. Yeah. And she’s like, well, dear, well, sorry.

01:09:47:21 – 01:10:02:19

Laci

And there’s this through line of her, like, helping him understand not to interrupt women or her at least. So it’s like, is she is he becoming a better boyfriend because of Julie Andrews? I end up oh, no lies, nothing constant. Yeah. They don’t connect anything.

01:10:02:19 – 01:10:10:03

Matt

Well, she also doesn’t sell the joke of being interrupted because it doesn’t seem like he’s interrupting her. It seems like she’s done it. Done. And then he starts talking.

01:10:10:03 – 01:10:10:16

Laci

Done.

01:10:10:19 – 01:10:12:19

Matt

I was not finished with my sentence.

01:10:12:19 – 01:10:18:19

Laci

Oh, then put a finger up. I’m gonna. We’re gonna need a signal, Julie, because I don’t. You’re a long pause. It sound like being done.

01:10:18:23 – 01:10:21:18

Matt

Yeah. And she’s like, I hear excuses and you’re an asshole.

01:10:21:19 – 01:10:30:00

Laci

I think you’re on a power trip, and I think you’re in a pantsuit. And I think you wish you were two, two or something happened wrong with what you’re doing right now.

01:10:30:00 – 01:10:31:05

Matt

So it’s the next morning.

01:10:31:05 – 01:10:37:11

Laci

I think you live in a mountain of teeth. I think you have a wall of teeth behind you, and they all smell a little bit different. And that’s fucking grub.

01:10:37:11 – 01:10:44:20

Matt

And that you get off on that, you sick bitch. Well, it’s the next day and the Rock is bringing flowers to Ashley Judd, and she’s like, oh.

01:10:44:22 – 01:10:47:21

Laci

Wow, how did you know I like this?

01:10:47:22 – 01:11:04:06

Matt

And Ashley Judd, who I just love one of my all time favorites. I even thought, you know, if maybe not next summer we could do a Summer of Judd, the Ashley Judd movie I love and Ashley Judd from the 90s. Give me Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman, or Ashley Judd and Tommy Lee Jones and you got a picture.

01:11:04:06 – 01:11:15:16

Laci

She’s just so warm. She’s just so good. She just. There’s just something about that face. I believe everything she says. And if they’d had anyone else in this role, I don’t think I’d believe that they had any chemistry at all.

01:11:15:19 – 01:11:20:22

Matt

Oh, I don’t believe it. I think she sucks shit in this movie. But everyone sucks in this movie because they can’t. There’s nothing to do.

01:11:20:22 – 01:11:38:20

Laci

But she makes up for the lack of chemistry and like, like like attraction that he just can’t muster. He just can’t do it. So, like, her big vein popping out of her forehead is doing so much work. She smile. He just loves me. I mean, he is hot. I’d be pumped. You know that age two children divorced him?

01:11:38:20 – 01:11:39:15

Laci

Yes.

01:11:39:17 – 01:11:41:03

Matt

I mean, sure, but.

01:11:41:05 – 01:11:42:10

Laci

He’s just a little bit nice. Cool.

01:11:42:11 – 01:11:46:02

Matt

It’s not dignified that she’s in this movie. What’s she doing here?

01:11:46:02 – 01:11:48:04

Laci

And later. No sense. She owed a favor.

01:11:48:04 – 01:12:01:20

Matt

Later when she, Well, we’ll get to later. When it’s later. Okay. So so she’s like, okay. Oh, great. Come on in. Hey. Yeah. I know you wanted to spend more time one on one with my creepy son. Go upstairs and do it now.

01:12:01:20 – 01:12:03:05

Laci

In his bedroom.

01:12:03:07 – 01:12:22:12

Matt

So he goes in and the son is playing guitar. And this actor, Chase Allison, is legit playing guitar. He’s very good at it. And the rock is like, here, I brought you a hockey stick. The kid’s like, why? And he’s like, because, you know, I don’t know. And the kid’s like, look, we can just save this. I you’re a lot like my mom’s other boyfriends.

01:12:22:12 – 01:12:35:15

Matt

So, again, the movie has no will not ground you in. No. How long is this relationship? Have these kids been through a lot? Does this? Ashley Judd did a lot. Has she had that experience with men? But the kid, it’s a funny detail. It was like, oh, look, just leave me alone and I’ll tell my mom that you’re cool.

01:12:35:19 – 01:12:47:15

Matt

And he’s like, oh, okay, great deal. That’s funny. That says a lot about the kid. Movie’s not interested. Because later the Rock and and Ashley Judd are, like, making out. They’re back at his place.

01:12:47:17 – 01:12:51:16

Laci

And I see I’m just grossed out when he kisses anyone now, because I don’t think he.

01:12:51:16 – 01:12:54:07

Matt

Like, oh, I don’t think they’re even kissing. They’re just he’s got.

01:12:54:07 – 01:13:00:18

Laci

Like, a mouth guard in and, like, a stunt double. He’s like, I’m going to need an intimacy person. She’s touching my leg.

01:13:00:19 – 01:13:19:02

Matt

You know, DJ Khalid famously does not going down on his wife, like, he’s talked like like because because it’s become a thing. Like everybody will ask him about it now he’s like, no, no, I just don’t do that. I don’t do that. Don’t you feel I. I just remember when Covid started, there was a picture of him like before everyone started wearing masks.

01:13:19:05 – 01:13:37:23

Matt

He had a big N95 mask and somebody just responded to the tweet. His wife asked him for oral sex. Yeah, that’s why I said all of that. Hey, know they are. You know, they’re about to go to Pound Town. But first the rock is like, I have a surprise. Close your eyes. It’s just a bottle of fruit.

01:13:38:01 – 01:13:43:21

Matt

I have strawberries and whipped cream. Which two believes to believe movies. You’re always fucking with strawberries and whipped cream.

01:13:43:21 – 01:13:49:03

Laci

Oh, I know I took it. Is like, Mr. Chef made her dessert. I didn’t, it didn’t.

01:13:49:05 – 01:13:49:20

Matt

Oh, okay.

01:13:49:20 – 01:13:51:05

Laci

So it wasn’t.

01:13:51:07 – 01:13:57:16

Matt

They’ve probably never had sex ever. Yeah, and never will. She already has kids. What’s what’s the point?

01:13:57:18 – 01:14:00:20

Laci

Yeah. That’s co-creation. And, you don’t need me for this.

01:14:00:20 – 01:14:04:11

Matt

In fact. Yeah. He only dates he’s on the dating service to fine women.

01:14:04:11 – 01:14:05:09

Laci

We work on.

01:14:05:11 – 01:14:06:12

Matt

It is close.

01:14:06:15 – 01:14:07:08

Laci

Up their shop.

01:14:07:08 – 01:14:10:23

Matt

Does that exist? A dating site that’s just so you can find a family.

01:14:11:03 – 01:14:17:15

Laci

Okay, that sounds like it would be for pedophiles, so. No. Well, that we don’t need the well on there.

01:14:17:17 – 01:14:20:19

Matt

Oh, no. I mean, free idea for some enterprising tech person out there.

01:14:20:19 – 01:14:23:04

Laci

Angel intercom, angel services.

01:14:23:04 – 01:14:24:08

Matt

What did you say? What? Angel Studios.

01:14:24:08 – 01:14:27:13

Laci

Yes. We need you to look at Matt. All right? Come on.

01:14:27:15 – 01:14:36:02

Matt

You come on there. He brings us. I’ve got some reprise. Oh, no. My blackberry’s going off. I have a tooth fairy assigned me.

01:14:36:02 – 01:14:53:08

Laci

Now, they do the thing in a movie that makes me the most uncomfortable in a movie that has made me nonstop uncomfortable. You’re telling me we’re not going to have many, many scenarios of him being pulled out of his life just when things are going okay and being made to look like something he’s not, because of something he can’t explain.

01:14:53:08 – 01:15:03:20

Laci

And I fucking hate the misunderstanding trope in movie. I hate it, it’s cheap. It makes me uncomfortable. It’s not fair. It’s not funny.

01:15:03:21 – 01:15:06:10

Matt

It’s not like this actually, like harms him though that I.

01:15:06:11 – 01:15:07:15

Laci

But but I don’t know that.

01:15:07:19 – 01:15:08:15

Matt

No I until.

01:15:08:15 – 01:15:09:21

Laci

The fifth time and I’m like okay.

01:15:10:03 – 01:15:25:07

Matt

But even then it’s like he just needs flour. The most basic child children’s movie would get some tension out of that. I do like that he’s getting the notices on his phone. Like, this is like an Uber alert, like, oh, okay, do I, do I want to accept this one? Okay. Yeah. So he’s like, oh, I can’t make out with you.

01:15:25:07 – 01:15:28:13

Matt

I have diarrhea. All right. I’ve got to go.

01:15:28:15 – 01:15:40:06

Laci

This scene, this is when I text you. And I was like, this movie is relying almost always so long on his ability to do physical comedy and reacting. And I’m going to vomit.

01:15:40:08 – 01:15:40:23

Matt

He’s not good.

01:15:40:23 – 01:15:54:06

Laci

At. He’s not good at it. He surprises are one nanosecond behind every time, any time he has. So jump back. It’s not on time. It’s not normal either.

01:15:54:08 – 01:15:56:17

Matt

I this is not normal.

01:15:56:17 – 01:16:06:17

Laci

I don’t I no more need movies. I no more need little person encounters. Big house animal. I don’t need it fucking any more.

01:16:06:17 – 01:16:12:07

Matt

No, I love that. I love when somebody gets teeny tiny. I resent that this movie doesn’t do shit with it.

01:16:12:09 – 01:16:18:03

Laci

The walk around and actually just leave little footprints. Do do a fucking callback.

01:16:18:03 – 01:16:22:20

Matt

Yes. Right. We clean. Yes you can. That’s a PG joke. You can do.

01:16:22:20 – 01:16:29:11

Laci

Right? Or like, like turn the cat into your ally or something. Have a skill. Actually be good at this in some weird way.

01:16:29:11 – 01:16:37:17

Matt

How about that? It takes the shrinking paste goes inside the house, but this is like, okay, so we set you up. Here’s the tooth fairies. Got to go in.

01:16:37:19 – 01:16:55:14

Laci

You’re breaking in or you have to break in. Enter there. The family is active. They’re not they’re not all asleep. Just the kids gone asleep. So we’re setting you up for failure. We’ve got different things that have not been like fucking tested by fucking Food and Drug Association. And you’re going to throw these into their faces and you’re going to.

01:16:55:20 – 01:17:07:13

Laci

But don’t do too much. That’s not right. Or don’t do the wrong thing. That’s not right. The every series of Tooth Fairy thing is him traumatizing at least one person in a new way. They never resolve this shit.

01:17:07:16 – 01:17:16:08

Matt

It’s not like the Santa Claus where he, like, shows up at a house and it’s like, okay, the equipment knows what to do. And I’m just like, following along. He’s like, you got to figure out the right tool to apply in the right situation.

01:17:16:08 – 01:17:17:05

Laci

It’s no training.

01:17:17:05 – 01:17:21:08

Matt

Yeah. No training. He kind of is like an Uber driver. He had to, like, take a self-guided test.

01:17:21:12 – 01:17:38:10

Laci

So I buy I buy the Seth MacFarlane thing of they are setting like. That’s interesting. Yeah. They give you the stuff and then they can say, well, like, we gave you all the stuff we did. We did the flying training, even though you can’t fly. And yet you keep coming back. We’re like, you did this wrong. And it like, they keep moving the goalposts.

01:17:38:10 – 01:17:42:15

Laci

That’s the least interesting. But have them be evil, have him overcome them.

01:17:42:15 – 01:17:45:03

Matt

No, they’re the most prevalent people in the universe.

01:17:45:04 – 01:17:46:22

Laci

Nice. And he’s mean to them.

01:17:46:22 – 01:18:05:11

Matt

So he gets he gets, the fucking kid wakes up and sees him, and he’s like, mom, dad, is he a teeny tiny man? But. And then the cats are chasing him, but he escapes on a tic tac peewee trick border. He hangs ten and does a thumbs up at the fucking mirror. All right, now we’re at a hockey game which ESPN is covering.

01:18:05:13 – 01:18:08:03

Matt

But I guess it’s just like his mic. The stick is debuting.

01:18:08:05 – 01:18:30:02

Laci

Too many settings, right? Too many settings. I don’t need him to have a career. Also, I don’t know. I get it that The Santa Clause is a career and a family, and the family’s a tricky spot for him, but where he really exceeds is in his career. But now that he’s a tooth fairy, he’s declining over there. So like, he’s becoming a better father, like the the, you know, the way life is, you put attention here.

01:18:30:02 – 01:18:36:02

Laci

It gets better here. No, this man’s entire life is falling apart, and it’s not even interesting.

01:18:36:04 – 01:18:50:11

Matt

The game. The game is going well for the stick. But Derek gets called away on a tooth mission. So then the the mystique and all the other hockey guys chase him into the bathroom. I’m like, dude, chicken is shitting their way, right? And they’re like, yelling at him. And he’s like, I gotta get out of.

01:18:50:11 – 01:18:56:14

Laci

Here because I see his little shoes. They see his little elf that he’s wearing something crazy, and they’re like, we’re not leaving till we.

01:18:56:14 – 01:19:05:19

Matt

See what the fuck you’re wearing. Are you turning to the tooth fairy or something? Because I seen a teeny tiny man once. What do you want your size? He a teeny tiny. My mom and dad came in.

01:19:05:21 – 01:19:08:01

Laci

Because, you know, these these guys, they must have memories of this.

01:19:08:01 – 01:19:25:19

Matt

Too. No, I know that’d be an interesting thing to explore. Like, wait, I have seen this once. Yeah, for some, you’re getting, like, a hypno regression therapy, and it’s all coming out. I like at least one of them believes so. He takes the shrinking pace and flushes himself down the toilet. What a choice. You’re like okay, so we’re now going to see like a sewer sequence.

01:19:25:19 – 01:19:28:01

Matt

Nope. Cuts immediately to him getting out of his car.

01:19:28:01 – 01:19:31:11

Laci

Is he going to be covered in filth at least something.

01:19:31:16 – 01:19:49:07

Matt

It is a tiny bit funny that he gets to his mission. He’s so fed up and he’s like, just answer the door. He’s like, I’m the tooth fairy immediately sprays is that is I amnesia everybody? And then just drops a dollar bill on top of the pillow and then leaves and but then he’s up and Julie Andrews is like, you’re not raising anybody’s spirits.

01:19:49:07 – 01:19:50:08

Matt

You’re not. Oh, my.

01:19:50:09 – 01:19:54:21

Laci

And he overdosed them, which he was never told is possible and right, right.

01:19:54:23 – 01:19:55:14

Matt

Look what you’ve.

01:19:55:14 – 01:20:02:06

Laci

Done, right. They don’t know who each other are. It’s supposed to be 10s. That doesn’t make sense. You gave me the wrong shit then.

01:20:02:08 – 01:20:08:13

Matt

Right there. Yeah. This family, they don’t know who they don’t know. Up or down, they’re going to be condemned to in an asylum for the rest of their lives.

01:20:08:15 – 01:20:10:06

Laci

And they never tell us otherwise.

01:20:10:06 – 01:20:11:13

Matt

So. Right. Fucked up.

01:20:11:15 – 01:20:22:08

Laci

Oh, dark. And then he turns invisible. But he looks like a like I know that’s coming later, but it’s like they never tell us these things are being sorted out. We just think he’s going around doing this to people and that’s how they are for the rest of their life.

01:20:22:10 – 01:20:30:14

Matt

So it’s the next day and Ashley Judd comes over and she’s like, Will you babysit my shitty son? And he’s like, oh man. I mean, yeah.

01:20:30:15 – 01:20:36:06

Laci

We were only pretending to be buds. Oh, I guess we got found out. I guess we’ll now get along for real.

01:20:36:12 – 01:20:53:14

Matt

Well, that’s all that happens. How is he going to make that happen? They’ll make that. How’s he going to win over this kid? So here’s what he does. Takes him to Guitar Center, and he’s like a lot of cool looking guitars, Neat, though. A lot of good looking guitars up there. And the kids, like, I guess.

01:20:53:17 – 01:20:59:03

Matt

Yeah. And the rock just takes one off the shelf. He’s like, here. And then walks away. Wow.

01:20:59:03 – 01:21:10:06

Laci

I what, like you would take me to an art supply store, give me one of the markers on displaying, say right on that shelf and then take me home. Wow. I got to try something at the store.

01:21:10:09 – 01:21:29:06

Matt

It is fun to go play guitars at a guitar store, but, you know, the rocks, the rocks. He’s forcing it a little here, but he’s like, I’m going to go check out the drums because he’s early. Earlier said that he plays drums. And the rock the hardest working man in showbiz. I don’t think he knew how to play the drums before this movie, but he’s like doing a simple beat later in this movie.

01:21:29:06 – 01:21:32:19

Matt

He he’s. Yeah. No, the Rock will not have a drum double. No way.

01:21:32:21 – 01:21:34:04

Laci

Well, good on him.

01:21:34:06 – 01:21:44:08

Matt

And I learned he plays ukulele and in the segments where he played guitar in WWE, you know, I watch it and I did think he is strumming it like a ukulele. And that makes sense that he knows how to play.

01:21:44:09 – 01:21:54:11

Laci

C and he gets to it earnestly. He gets to it from through his bloodline to the ukulele. And then hipsters go and ruin ukuleles and fedora hats for all of eternity.

01:21:54:13 – 01:21:56:17

Matt

Just because Apple needed to sell iPods.

01:21:56:17 – 01:22:00:08

Laci

Yeah, and 10,000 steps, which are a lie.

01:22:00:10 – 01:22:05:07

Matt

Makes me sick. Oh, what are you going to have to do with Fitbit steps.

01:22:05:09 – 01:22:06:14

Laci

That they they both.

01:22:06:14 – 01:22:08:01

Matt

Were supposed to get turn?

01:22:08:02 – 01:22:23:23

Laci

No not Fitbit okay. Fitbit was the first thing that made 10,000 steps. The popular but it’s really this the popular ness of the rings on the iPhone. That and the Apple Watch that made it stick. I’m just saying Apple ruins things.

01:22:24:00 – 01:22:40:16

Matt

Oh, I didn’t know 10,000 steps was adopted by other, Google owns Fitbit now. I’m a Fitbit devotee for ten years. It is a total sunk cost, and the app has gotten so much shittier since it was bought by Google. And I just everyday loathe it. And I’m like, but I can’t lose my steps.

01:22:40:18 – 01:22:45:09

Laci

Yeah, they’re just satisfying rings on an Apple Watch. Yeah, I never close the rings.

01:22:45:11 – 01:23:06:06

Matt

So here, take this guitar. And he puts a guitar on him and the kid sits down and starts shredding. And then this chick comes up and she’s like, hey, random sound pretty good, right? You know how to pluck that? And then her brother comes up and he’s like, don’t talk to that loser because he’s a loser. Pussy. And then the rock comes out with drumsticks and he just starts hitting the ball, just drumming on the kids.

01:23:06:06 – 01:23:23:21

Matt

And it’s funny. And he’s like, hey, why did you take Rangers guitar? And the kid’s like, I don’t know, why are you hitting me? Strange man. And he’s like, well, stop that. But but let’s get him into the kid. Like, oh. And runs away and now and he’s like, yeah, you’re all right Derek.

01:23:23:22 – 01:23:25:20

Laci

You did child abuse for me.

01:23:25:22 – 01:23:37:01

Matt

And later they’re playing poker and using Cheetos for money. Now they’re bonding with each other. And Randy is like, I’m gonna ask you a question. He’s like, you getting hair on your wiener side.

01:23:37:01 – 01:23:44:04

Laci

Like, why did you just let him ask the question? And we don’t. And then Big Boy Pound is this thing that he does a couple times in the movie.

01:23:44:04 – 01:23:45:05

Matt

Is it this.

01:23:45:07 – 01:23:48:11

Laci

Big boy pound for not wanting to have the sex.

01:23:48:11 – 01:24:04:23

Matt

Talk? Randy? Like, the Rock? No. Okay. There’s a talent show coming up. This movie has, so many elements. Strawberries and whipped cream and also a talent show. Two things that never happen in the real world.

01:24:05:01 – 01:24:06:05

Laci

There’s a talent show at my school.

01:24:06:06 – 01:24:10:08

Matt

There are talent shows, but there’s talent shows are so overrepresented in movies.

01:24:10:08 – 01:24:18:09

Laci

Oh, yes, 100%. And they’re never at night. It’s never a big to do. It is during the school day. Everyone’s in a uniform and people just want to get out of class.

01:24:18:11 – 01:24:30:19

Matt

So then Ashley Judd comes, oh, so should I play in the talent show? And he’s like, yeah, I mean, I don’t know, do you, do you? Why? Hey, is that your mom? And then the mom comes in, she’s like, boys, let’s go get some supper. And the don’t say.

01:24:30:22 – 01:24:32:05

Laci

Supper, Judd.

01:24:32:07 – 01:24:52:23

Matt

Hell yeah. I think most people do call it supper. Laci. And. But the Rock gets, Derek Thompson gets a call from Ezra Klein saying, there’s an abundance of tooth issues. Come. Deal with them, please. So he is like, oh, I can’t go to supper with you. Sorry. And they’re just like, oh, all right, all right. No stops with you.

01:24:53:00 – 01:25:04:09

Matt

So it’s his next mission now and he uses invisibility spray, but then he still accidentally wakes up the parents there. So he decides to have some fun. He’s like, oh, I’m a good. Why is he doing this?

01:25:04:09 – 01:25:09:15

Laci

Why is he doing and what? These people will never be the same. They’re fucked forever.

01:25:09:15 – 01:25:21:11

Matt

Like, okay, if you’re here listening to us right now and you’re like, why are they being so cruel to this movie? And why are they sad? Why are they asking why is he being a ghost? I’m asking why is he being a ghost? Because what about him? Makes us think he would want to be a ghost, right?

01:25:21:11 – 01:25:27:20

Laci

He just wants to get in and get out like he. This person should be wanting to do a good job so he can be done, get.

01:25:27:20 – 01:25:31:09

Matt

The job done in his home, clock and clock out.

01:25:31:09 – 01:25:45:16

Laci

Right? You you keep leaving. You’re a gorgeous fucking person. A partner of hanging, and you’re just now finally bonding with this kid. I mean, you got to feel weird. Like, just get in, get out. Why are you goofing around?

01:25:45:16 – 01:25:47:04

Matt

Oh, good, good, good.

01:25:47:07 – 01:25:51:22

Laci

All like like just a really sticky Julie Andrews. The sound works. They have all the power in this.

01:25:51:22 – 01:26:05:18

Matt

Because now he’s talking to Julie Andrews and she’s like, oh, you’re just the worst tooth fairy we’ve ever had. Oh, it’s you are not taking this seriously at all. And he’s like, well, I’m running out of supplies, I need more supplies. And she’s like, but we are running low on supplies. Oh, because of all the.

01:26:05:19 – 01:26:20:02

Laci

People who don’t believe. Well, I’m pretty sure the people I just left are going to believe in something. I mean, why can’t they believe in ghosts? That’s fine. Right? You’re right. Why can’t they add that little kid that I ran around on the floor? He believes in fucking little guys now I don’t.

01:26:20:04 – 01:26:22:04

Matt

I did see a little guy. I did, I.

01:26:22:04 – 01:26:25:18

Laci

Did, now he’s a hockey player. And he found me in the bathroom full circle.

01:26:25:18 – 01:26:37:07

Matt

Yeah. What are they going to be saying about the little hockey man a thousand years from now? Can you even imagine? You can’t. That’s the point. But we’ve stopped believing. If if the children stop believing. No, child.

01:26:37:08 – 01:26:54:09

Laci

If you accidentally. If you’re a tooth fairy and you accidentally make a kid feel he saw a sprite because you were so small that you look like a different kind of fairy, does that funding then go to the sprite community and not to the fucking tooth fairy, because you accidentally believe in something else? And does that mean the ghosts are getting funded?

01:26:54:14 – 01:26:56:11

Matt

Well, I would have to think that they are.

01:26:56:15 – 01:27:00:03

Laci

Ghosts are make believe that you do have to believe in them.

01:27:00:05 – 01:27:01:04

Matt

To see them.

01:27:01:06 – 01:27:10:06

Laci

I don’t know, I don’t know how that works because they it seems like they’re in a different department. They don’t seem like an aspiration thing to believe in.

01:27:10:08 – 01:27:20:12

Matt

All right. It’s time. We have to bring back one of our classic, segments. Does God in this world? Does the Christian God exists?

01:27:20:14 – 01:27:42:23

Laci

This is so. Okay. Well, so Derek just seems kind of agnostic because he makes a couple funny jokes of, like, you guys report to Buddha or like, or whatever. And so he lists a couple gods god and then a different like, so he’s playing around with the idea. So it’s definitely is a thing, but he’s kind of loose with it.

01:27:42:23 – 01:27:49:12

Laci

That doesn’t that doesn’t tell us if it it can exist because it is in their consciousness. But does he.

01:27:49:14 – 01:28:07:09

Matt

There’s never the moment in these movies where the person’s like the realities of the universe are different. And the way I’m going to react to it is like the woman who sees Jesus in her toes. And now my life is devoted to the cult of the tooth fairy. Right. And selling merchandise about the tooth fairy. And we have to, migrate over to Utah because of the tooth fairy.

01:28:07:09 – 01:28:32:00

Laci

Exactly. These things don’t like these kinds of changes. Would not just kind of like being a nuisance in your life is we completely shift away. Your thinking is. And how you act in the world. Becoming the Santa Claus shouldn’t just be like a second job. You’re doing it. It should change everything how you talk to people, how you encourage people who roof etiquette, yelling at strangers when you’re not sure who they are and they’re wearing a red coat.

01:28:32:00 – 01:28:34:21

Laci

I don’t know it should. It should radicalize you.

01:28:34:22 – 01:28:40:07

Matt

You want me to go watch the Detroit Tigers play baseball? The fucking tooth fairies? Real man. Real.

01:28:40:08 – 01:28:57:07

Laci

What else is real? He also like John the like, it really casually gets told leprechauns and other and dragons are real. Now, where are they? Where? What role do they play here? Do they breathe fire on those who believe? I don’t understand.

01:28:57:07 – 01:29:17:22

Matt

Where the bankers, they sit on top of the gold. Oh, okay. But they lost relevance once the world unhooked the dollar from the gold reserve, the world lost its belief in dragons. If they stop believing no child will ever receive a visit from the Tooth fairy ever again, they are treating the tooth Fairy like it’s Santa Claus who gives a fuck.

01:29:17:22 – 01:29:37:00

Laci

Like they’re treating it like it’s imagination. And that’s what bothers me. It’s not imaginary. You guys are actually going in and you’re actually putting money there, so you’re giving them something to believe in that is real, not something that to believe in just for belief sake. This isn’t imagination. This is reality. You’re hoping children keep liking reality.

01:29:37:02 – 01:29:40:05

Matt

No point of believing in the tooth fairy is that it is imaginary.

01:29:40:05 – 01:29:46:22

Laci

Yes, that’s how you encourage imagination because it’s not real. So you’re making it real.

01:29:47:00 – 01:30:01:18

Matt

Yeah. The so the rocks like. But I think dreams are stupid and useless. Oh the rock. So she sends him home for the night. Like, get out of here unless you wish to stay for Fairy Okie. And he walks away. He’s like a fairy. Okay, like karaoke isn’t bad enough.

01:30:01:19 – 01:30:05:16

Laci

The joke was already made, rock. The joke was already made. Just keep fucking.

01:30:05:16 – 01:30:11:22

Matt

Going. I gave the screen a thumbs up as if karaoke wasn’t bad enough. All right. But he doesn’t have. Oh. So. Yeah.

01:30:12:01 – 01:30:18:03

Laci

No, we need another angle. We need yet another thing that’s not going to. It won’t have any consequences. Don’t worry.

01:30:18:03 – 01:30:22:10

Matt

No, this is nothing leads to anything else. And there’s no cause and effect. It’s just shit happens.

01:30:22:10 – 01:30:24:15

Laci

One traumatized single mom, she doesn’t count.

01:30:24:15 – 01:30:26:02

Matt

We got to move on to another scene.

01:30:26:02 – 01:30:28:07

Laci

Why is Seth MacFarlane in this fucking well.

01:30:28:07 – 01:30:29:11

Matt

So. Yeah.

01:30:29:11 – 01:30:31:16

Laci

So he doesn’t even say tools.

01:30:31:16 – 01:30:41:02

Matt

All right. You got to be the tooth fairy. You don’t have magic. You have tools. Well, my tools are running out. Well, sorry about that. You got to improvise because we don’t have it in our budget and.

01:30:41:02 – 01:30:44:01

Laci

We never told you. You have to ration them.

01:30:44:03 – 01:30:51:21

Matt

Right? So he’s walking around, and then Seth MacFarlane, you know, croons oh, oh, come on over to me. But but he could.

01:30:51:21 – 01:30:56:09

Laci

Have at least been in the Fairy Cherokee. See, they completely wasted his appearance.

01:30:56:11 – 01:31:03:15

Matt

So he’s like, hey, don’t you know that I’ve got some real good shit? And the joke is they’re talking about it like it’s Ziggy Stardust.

01:31:03:15 – 01:31:05:03

Laci

See them Stardust?

01:31:05:05 – 01:31:20:01

Matt

But, I mean, he does have the funny, like like the teases, the idea that, like, they want you to fail because it’s like credit card debt. He says if you miss a payment, then your payments go up and they’re just going to hook you forever and they get you. You’re an indentured servitude, you’re indentured servant, you’re a debt slave.

01:31:20:01 – 01:31:26:08

Matt

You’re like, whatever her name is. Artemus, I’m ready. Player one she gets caught.

01:31:26:13 – 01:31:32:06

Laci

Which is interesting. And then it goes nowhere and isn’t true. I guess.

01:31:32:08 – 01:31:33:00

Matt

Yeah.

01:31:33:02 – 01:31:43:07

Laci

Is he just a guy that never figured out how to believe? So that’s what he does now. Just makes it harder for other people who are in. You’re trying to get served their sentence. He’s actually prolonging it. He’s the reason.

01:31:43:07 – 01:31:59:10

Matt

I think that’s it. I think that is what’s actually going on is they’re they’re like, yeah, you’ll get in. You’ll get penalized for buying black market, supplies that don’t even boot bootleg supplies from South McFarland that don’t even work. So the rot goes back down to his next mission, and he sprays the shit on himself instead of turning invisible.

01:31:59:10 – 01:32:01:04

Matt

His head just gets all CGI.

01:32:01:06 – 01:32:12:09

Laci

No. If instead of getting invisible, he goes see through and that’s the first thing, and then he’s like, I’ll fix it. I’ll eat this to shrink so you don’t see me anymore. But it doesn’t shrink them. It just grows them in different places.

01:32:12:11 – 01:32:13:02

Matt

Gotcha.

01:32:13:04 – 01:32:18:18

Laci

Yeah. Trying to keep up. It’s a pretty high, high thinking move. It’s three steps ahead of us.

01:32:18:18 – 01:32:19:22

Matt

It’s a dense text.

01:32:20:04 – 01:32:21:11

Laci

I feel dense.

01:32:21:13 – 01:32:34:10

Matt

Talking. So the the woman, the woman is, like, freaking out, and he’s like, oh, no, I’m turning strategy and stuff. It’s like, I’m gonna call 911. There’s a monster in front of me. And he’s like, that’s okay. I just need the truth. Okay?

01:32:34:11 – 01:32:41:00

Laci

Honestly, that’s a fair response. I’m going to call 911. I don’t know what’s happening and I’m calling you. One of us is that was going through something here. So.

01:32:41:02 – 01:32:48:00

Matt

Well, she calls 901. And next thing we know, he’s in prison. Well, he’s in jail. And Ashley Judd comes to bail him out. And she’s like, Derrick, lately you’ve been.

01:32:48:00 – 01:32:52:00

Laci

Dealing with you. You had a little taste in. You had to poop earlier. Now you’re in jail.

01:32:52:02 – 01:32:55:17

Matt

I gotta say, after picking you up from jail, I’m a little bit concerned.

01:32:55:17 – 01:32:57:05

Laci

I’m just a little bit concerned.

01:32:57:11 – 01:33:10:08

Matt

So he’s like, here’s the deal. What was your name again? Mom, mommy, here’s the deal. Is, I’m going through changes. No. And then he sprays amnesia dust on her, and he tries out like, ten different men. Never know what to say. They don’t.

01:33:10:08 – 01:33:13:09

Laci

Know. They all wish they had the little poof.

01:33:13:11 – 01:33:19:23

Matt

Yeah. You’re always getting in. You’re always getting in deep, saying the wrong thing. You’re abroad so you wouldn’t understand. Nope. That’s wrong.

01:33:20:03 – 01:33:22:13

Laci

You’re pregnant. No shit. No.

01:33:22:15 – 01:33:30:08

Matt

And then finally he says the right thing, which is I’m just afraid of losing. I freaked, and then she’s like, oh, your feelings.

01:33:30:12 – 01:33:34:14

Laci

You’re hot as shit. So as long as you’re just not the worst, you’re the best.

01:33:34:14 – 01:33:53:07

Matt

And then the cop who was watching all of this is like, oh my goodness, I’m mom will have what she’s having. So he’s decided, you know what? I’m going to embrace the spirit of the fairy, but I’m doing it my way. Not all tutu and frou frou, but, hockey pads and helmet. Turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn.

01:33:53:09 – 01:34:06:07

Matt

So, yeah. Goes to goes on his next mission and just knocks or no, he’s going in. And this is the scene we were talking about where the dad is coming into the room to put money under the. So no need for Dwayne Johnson here at all. They were already doing this, but no.

01:34:06:07 – 01:34:08:12

Laci

In fact give him a summons. This guy does not believe.

01:34:08:13 – 01:34:19:18

Matt

Exactly why isn’t that. Yeah. So, the rock is like, No, I’m just here for the tooth, sir. And the dad’s like, oh my God, who are you? And he’s like, the tooth fairy. And then it seems like.

01:34:19:20 – 01:34:31:23

Laci

You mean local, famous, mid-level hockey star. That’s you’re in this room because this is a local job. He doesn’t travel far. I like that these things are in the neighborhood.

01:34:32:01 – 01:34:37:04

Matt

Not nobody else is ever alarmed that the rock is in their child’s bedroom. We’ll put it back.

01:34:37:04 – 01:34:42:04

Laci

And now the weird is montage. I mean, now it’s not weird. It’s just. What are you. Why?

01:34:42:06 – 01:35:00:14

Matt

Well, this is the. This is the part in this in the, you know, the sports movie where it’s like, all right, this is a sports movie. Oh, this is a sports movie, of course, but there’s a new thread we haven’t talked about where he. Tracy, Stephen Merchant, he’s jealous that he doesn’t have wings. And he says a hilarious 2010 joke where he’s like, it’s anti wing discrimination.

01:35:00:14 – 01:35:06:07

Matt

Wow. Yeah. And the Rock’s like, I’m gonna teach you how to fly or whatever, so I’ll teach you to use what you.

01:35:06:07 – 01:35:08:06

Laci

Do have so that you could do.

01:35:08:06 – 01:35:15:01

Matt

This. So there’s, you know, we’re we’re alternating between the rock playing drums along with the kid playing guitar.

01:35:15:01 – 01:35:18:13

Laci

But this is a three way people working on themselves.

01:35:18:14 – 01:35:19:16

Matt

01:35:19:18 – 01:35:27:07

Laci

Getting better actor getting better at hockey because have you tried enough. And getting this guy to be a tooth fairy.

01:35:27:09 – 01:35:48:17

Matt

Because what’s the kid’s name. Fucking Randy. You see, he’s like he stops. He’s like, it’s shredding and amazing. So and then he’s like, forget it, I stink. And, Derek the tooth fairy is like, son, you won’t score if you don’t take the shot as it’s like, oh, yeah, when was the last time you took a shot?

01:35:48:19 – 01:36:13:14

Matt

Like literally in his hockey career. So he now explains, I was the first round pick hotshot scoring prospect of the new Jersey Devils, but, got my shoulder hurt. Went down to the minors to rehab, and then never went back up. And I’m sorry I keep harping on this, but why is this movie not about a man who’s like, I worked my ass off in rehab and just couldn’t get back up to.

01:36:13:15 – 01:36:24:18

Matt

I just wasn’t the same anymore. Like, I, I encountered an actual hurdle right out of my control. Instead. He always could have gone back up. He just decided, I don’t want to shoot.

01:36:24:18 – 01:36:36:01

Laci

And school. They they they hint at it. He keeps saying he has a bad wing. He they do plenty times throughout the movie suggest that he’s worried to use his, his his shoulder. That got hurt.

01:36:36:03 – 01:36:38:05

Matt

Okay. But it is something he could overcome.

01:36:38:05 – 01:36:39:10

Laci

But he didn’t believe it.

01:36:39:10 – 01:36:49:16

Matt

Matched it all. He needed to do. What I’m saying is that message of believe is terrible. It’s bad because most people aren’t. His speech about how there’s kids all over the world who are good at hockey. He’s right.

01:36:49:17 – 01:36:52:14

Laci

He’s right. Don’t believe kids.

01:36:52:15 – 01:36:53:11

Matt

Do not believe.

01:36:53:16 – 01:36:58:10

Laci

Unless there’s a dollar under your pillow. Don’t believe in the tooth fairy. I need to see receipts.

01:36:58:12 – 01:37:13:05

Matt

He could have realized, like I envisioned my life going a certain way. Being a star hockey player. Stand. I am a gimmick for a local, minor league team. But people love me, and I bring joy and happiness to them.

01:37:13:05 – 01:37:18:21

Laci

But you do have to suffer. These little assholes who are on their way up, who are going to treat me like shit.

01:37:18:23 – 01:37:35:21

Matt

Okay. Yes. And and I can embrace the like. Well, I can be their mentor. Or like, I’m a good like. That’s just the way it works. The young guys is the old guys. The old guys raised the the young guys. And and and and that is okay. My life didn’t go the way it was, the way I expected.

01:37:35:23 – 01:37:55:00

Matt

And that is thematically resonant with the other storyline of him coming into this family and now being having to be thrust into the role of dad. And it is a thing that I myself experienced. I when I started dating you, you had a kid and there is sort of like, tension and sort of growing pains with like, what.

01:37:55:00 – 01:37:57:02

Laci

Is my place? Well, finding.

01:37:57:02 – 01:38:14:01

Matt

Mine, if I wrote the story of my life, it wouldn’t have been that I, you know, dated and married somebody who always had a kid. It would be like, well, I have my own biological children, but you come to realize, but I love this kid, too. And, and, and I have a special relationship with that kid and that it it’s beautiful in its own way.

01:38:14:01 – 01:38:24:05

Matt

It is a thing that you that that there is something that you grow into. And so it’s like, oh yes, that’s neat. These two stories harmonize with each other and, and said, nope, we’re not going to do either of them.

01:38:24:05 – 01:38:44:00

Laci

And in fact, your relationship with that kid is more special because it had to overcome something that a lot of the same kinds of dynamics don’t, which is like a real bonding. And, I don’t know, there’s something more special because you had to work for it. And because it’s it’s not just like, well, I’m your dad.

01:38:44:06 – 01:38:59:14

Matt

So there you go. Yeah. Not only had to overcome like the kid skepticism, but maybe overcome your own the Rock being like, I just wanted to beat Ashley Judd. Yeah, but, hey, it turns out I’m totally surprised. I also love these kids, right? And totally independent of my love for their mom. And I was just.

01:38:59:14 – 01:39:22:07

Laci

Going to say something I realized is that he has this. These things aren’t enough for him. Or like, he can’t have that attitude because he seems to need to be loved and to be good at stuff. So every other place except for when he’s in Fairyland, he’s worried or dejected because he’s not like, totally scoring in in getting the admiration of everybody.

01:39:22:11 – 01:39:33:18

Laci

Like his scene in the beginning with, yes, yes, I’m doing the thing, I’m very good at this thing. And then the boy comes and he makes him feel not good at the thing. And then he’s like, yes, yes, I’m a dad. I’m really good at this thing. And then this boy comes and I’m not good at this thing.

01:39:33:22 – 01:39:53:00

Laci

And so, like, he there is something similar about hockey in the parenting. Yeah. But then you throw in the fucking tooth fairy land and this is not the same person, that person up there would be trying to people please and be the best up there to. He isn’t doing that. It doesn’t make sense.

01:39:53:02 – 01:40:17:21

Matt

Right. It’s not it’s not a reflection only. It only reflects what he’s experiencing on earth in the like. But you have to believe. You have to believe. Don’t use that voice. It makes me uncomfortable. So now we add in the so now the rocks. Like, you know what? I’m going to start. Even though I am a defenseman in my role on the team, you know, of professional athletes is, to play defense and set up others for scoring.

01:40:18:00 – 01:40:23:02

Matt

I’m going to instead selfishly try to score myself. So now he’s he’s training to score.

01:40:23:04 – 01:40:27:22

Laci

But he was that he was brought into the minor leagues to do a different thing.

01:40:28:00 – 01:40:32:04

Matt

True. But I mean they’ve constructed this team with yeah his role in mind.

01:40:32:05 – 01:40:40:20

Laci

But we don’t know that he never played this role when the bench wasn’t deep. We don’t know that. We don’t know it.

01:40:40:22 – 01:40:50:23

Matt

So Randy’s like, you think I could be a real rock star and you’re about to give the speech of, like, think of how many kids are good at guitar. And he’s like, you know what? Sure.

01:40:51:01 – 01:40:54:05

Laci

How could it ever be a waste of time if you’re doing what you love?

01:40:54:08 – 01:41:08:01

Matt

That’s what he says later. That’s a good message. That’s the right. That’s the actual thing to say, darn it. So he’s like, you know what? Yeah, maybe I will start to dream big. But at his next game he decides to take a shot. He steals from Mick the stick, tries to take a shot, and then.

01:41:08:06 – 01:41:15:01

Laci

Then the wrong way. Matt. He takes away someone else’s dream to live his own. That’s not the right way.

01:41:15:03 – 01:41:16:12

Matt

And the coach yells at him.

01:41:16:12 – 01:41:18:04

Laci

It’s very embarrassing.

01:41:18:06 – 01:41:22:12

Matt

And so later he goes home, and now Ashley Judd and her kids waiting.

01:41:22:12 – 01:41:38:11

Laci

For him know when he pulls. So that is a very traumatic thing to happen at work. I thought he was fired. Did. Super embarrassing. It happened in front of everybody. Also, what time of day are these fucking games? What the fuck anyway? But he’s going home now. Broad daylight and any hurt his girl. They’re they’re not cell phones.

01:41:38:11 – 01:42:00:17

Laci

His girlfriend and the two kids are just in front of his apartment. And now a Derrick I’ve never seen before. He’s like, he’s not like, oh, no, I can’t pull together right now. He’s like, oh, here we go. Like he’s an asshole. He’s a fucking dick in his car before he even pulls in. Oh, these fucking people. Like he’s like he’s he has a split personality and then he’s a total dick.

01:42:00:17 – 01:42:06:00

Laci

It just doesn’t make. This is not the kind of mean he would be if this character made sense.

01:42:06:02 – 01:42:19:12

Matt

Because he’s like, he pulls up and Randy’s like, Derrick, I need you to prank has been for you. There’s only one more day for the talent show. He’s like, I can’t, I’m sorry. I had a bad day now. Like, actually, Judd maybe needs to be like, oh, okay.

01:42:19:12 – 01:42:26:19

Laci

Yeah, that like, like, my boyfriend doesn’t look like himself. This is not his character. So maybe I need to step in here and not I’m.

01:42:26:19 – 01:42:27:16

Matt

Not a real actor.

01:42:27:16 – 01:42:34:00

Laci

So don’t worry, Randy, we’ll bring you to father figure and father figure. We’ll do father stuff. I’ve got the girl.

01:42:34:00 – 01:42:37:07

Matt

Yeah, I didn’t call ahead. I didn’t do great. He.

01:42:37:07 – 01:42:40:09

Laci

Just got out of playing a game. I’ll bet he’s pretty fucking tired.

01:42:40:12 – 01:42:57:22

Matt

Yeah, but Randy, he’s like, put a dent in me, and he’s like, you little shit. It doesn’t matter how much you practice, you’ll never be a rockstar. And they slaps this kid I got, like, you have to watch this scene. This kid, this actor. I mean, I mean, the actor does a good job. This is from a this is from a fucking no Baumbach movie.

01:42:58:00 – 01:43:19:00

Matt

The kid just like, screams howling in anguish. It’s very believable. Like like I, just takes the guitar and smashes it on the ground, yelling like a like an animal. And then he’s like, come on, little sister. And, you know, he goes and gets in the car and Ashley Judd is like, you are never going to speak to my children again.

01:43:19:02 – 01:43:23:13

Matt

And like, okay, that’s reasonable. But we just saw Holy shit. And then she’s like, who.

01:43:23:13 – 01:43:24:08

Laci

Is this guy?

01:43:24:10 – 01:43:26:20

Matt

You know what your problem is, Derek?

01:43:26:22 – 01:43:29:02

Laci

You’re abusive to children.

01:43:29:04 – 01:43:35:18

Matt

It’s not the child abuse. No, it’s not that. It’s that you can’t ask what if and you never will. Okay.

01:43:35:18 – 01:43:37:15

Laci

I don’t know if he’s never said that.

01:43:37:15 – 01:43:40:14

Matt

But she has problems. I don’t know that I’d put the at the top.

01:43:40:16 – 01:43:45:00

Laci

He’s not a dreamer and he won’t influence my kids stupid dreams.

01:43:45:00 – 01:43:49:10

Matt

The way the kid smashes the guitar and yells again like an animal is like.

01:43:49:11 – 01:43:53:00

Laci

You’re right, but I did it. It did strike me as like, really good acting.

01:43:53:00 – 01:43:59:02

Matt

Though, right? But that’s like, every good thing that happens in this movie doesn’t count because it’s like, not this movie, right?

01:43:59:02 – 01:44:19:15

Laci

Right. And now that they’ve had such a traumatic moment, it has manipulated me into just needing relief. So that’s how it tricked me into two and a half stars, because like, the hits satisfy lying, watching everything go right, finally, because it’s like this movie’s been full of misunderstandings and a guy not fitting in and like, being happy with his life, but he loves his life.

01:44:19:15 – 01:44:27:20

Laci

But it’s it finally started to make a little bit of sense and gel for me. But don’t worry. Wait, you still have the fucking Tracy part?

01:44:27:20 – 01:44:38:22

Matt

Yeah, because Tracy shows up at his house. The next thing is like, guess what? I got my tooth fairy learner’s permit. This movie is a child telling you a story that they are making up as they go along, adding new elements.

01:44:39:00 – 01:44:40:07

Laci

And then there was blood.

01:44:40:09 – 01:44:43:19

Matt

I got a tooth fairy learner’s permit. What does that mean?

01:44:44:00 – 01:44:44:18

Laci

No, no.

01:44:44:21 – 01:44:47:01

Matt

It doesn’t doesn’t I don’t, I.

01:44:47:01 – 01:44:47:09

Laci

Go with.

01:44:47:09 – 01:44:49:04

Matt

Another tooth. We do.

01:44:49:04 – 01:44:51:13

Laci

It together. He has a wheel.

01:44:51:15 – 01:45:04:20

Matt

So it’s. We’re at another hockey game. Just tons of hockey games. Even though this is the next night and it’s the second and second night of a back to back and the coach, they lose a player. So the coach decides to put Derek in as an injury.

01:45:04:21 – 01:45:17:02

Laci

After a big fucking suck up the weed. I can’t even believe he’s not in just regular clothes on the bench. Yeah, there was there was no repercussion. I guess it was selling seats.

01:45:17:04 – 01:45:32:21

Matt

What? So he goes out there in the announcer’s like, I don’t know, Dan. It looks to me like the tooth fairy just going through the motions. But then the tooth fairy looks over at the goal at the net, and Tracy is sitting on it and gives him a thumbs up. But this is after.

01:45:32:21 – 01:45:35:22

Laci

Tracy said, maybe you should try more than once.

01:45:36:00 – 01:45:37:02

Matt

Oh yeah.

01:45:37:05 – 01:45:40:19

Laci

This is him encouraging him. It is nice. Tracy does a nice visualizing. Yeah.

01:45:40:21 – 01:45:58:07

Matt

And suddenly Derek’s like, okay. And he starts skating and the announcers are immediately like, wait a minute now he’s going really fast. Incredible. I haven’t seen him skate with this kind of purpose since his rookie year with the new Jersey Devils. What a great day for hockey. And like the again this was a noise. He had it in him all along.

01:45:58:07 – 01:46:06:02

Matt

He’s just like wasn’t motivated because this movie’s a movie that’s telling you like get off your ass and you know try harder. Pussy. And so.

01:46:06:07 – 01:46:08:12

Laci

Be mediocre and think you’re going to be really.

01:46:08:12 – 01:46:13:21

Matt

Good guys, okay? Fucking do that. Scores the goal and the crowd goes nuts.

01:46:13:21 – 01:46:35:10

Laci

Okay. And here’s another incongruent fucking thing. Now Tracy comes out on the Zamboni with a giant blaster of amnesia stuff, and he makes the joke. Good luck finding your cars. Okay, so you’ve just given them so much of this dust that they don’t even know why they’re at the fucking game. And that’s okay. How are you just getting your learner’s permit and you’re doing this.

01:46:35:10 – 01:46:43:08

Laci

And he got in trouble for fucking with a family. And how is it not traumatized the human population?

01:46:43:10 – 01:46:51:16

Matt

And crucially, what? But we didn’t mention the most important thing. What Derek now believes. Okay. And now he can see.

01:46:51:17 – 01:46:52:07

Laci

Oh, right.

01:46:52:10 – 01:46:56:09

Matt

He went through the ceiling. That’s why he’s doing has to get on the Zamboni and do the amnesia.

01:46:56:10 – 01:47:12:17

Laci

It’s like okay. So like, he finally reveals himself to this whole stadium and he’s like, I’m okay with being the tooth fairy. Tooth fairy is a real. Which, by the way, would create a lot of belief which would barely make the money go up up in Tooth Fairy land. But no, now we got to give everyone amnesia because that’s not the way it works.

01:47:12:19 – 01:47:13:15

Laci

Why?

01:47:13:18 – 01:47:16:04

Matt

It’s the imagination thing. You can.

01:47:16:06 – 01:47:16:20

Laci

But it’s real.

01:47:16:20 – 01:47:22:02

Matt

Matt got to believe in a real thing. But for bad reasons. That’s what it is. There you go. All right. You got to be.

01:47:22:05 – 01:47:24:01

Laci

Selling your religion. Fine.

01:47:24:03 – 01:47:45:21

Matt

So, All right, the final mission is that Tess Ashley, Judd’s daughter, has lost two of. She’s lost three teeth in two days. Two and she’s. This girl’s torn apart. She’s. And he has to do it. And this is so, so. Okay, so here’s just left. This is the end of the game. And it’s a packed house. Let’s call this around nine.

01:47:46:01 – 01:47:52:20

Laci

It’s not the end of the game. It’s he just scores one thing. He has to choose between the game and this. And he chooses this.

01:47:52:20 – 01:47:54:13

Matt

Then they say we’re tied in the end of the third.

01:47:54:13 – 01:48:06:23

Laci

No, that’s why they’re upset. He’s talking to himself. He’s acting a fool now. So what, they just give Indonesia dust. They won’t even be able to find their cars, Matt. But now they do. They forget the amazing shot he just did. Yeah. To rehabilitate his.

01:48:06:23 – 01:48:09:02

Matt

Career. Yeah. No. His career.

01:48:09:04 – 01:48:10:14

Laci

What the fuck?

01:48:10:16 – 01:48:17:03

Matt

So, okay, well, whatever. He leaves, the hockey game goes to Ashley Judd’s house, sneaks in, everyone’s asleep.

01:48:17:07 – 01:48:19:19

Laci

Everyone. They’re all heartbroken and asleep.

01:48:19:21 – 01:48:21:08

Matt

And he goes into Texas.

01:48:21:11 – 01:48:24:18

Laci

He is not asleep. He’s tapping his hand to the music.

01:48:24:18 – 01:48:36:22

Matt

That’s true. He he just looks like he’s asleep. But he just has his head, his eyes closed because he’s listening to to to Moby and goes into Tessa’s room and wakes her up. He’s like, hey, hey, Tess.

01:48:37:01 – 01:48:38:03

Laci

Look, I really am differ.

01:48:38:07 – 01:48:41:17

Matt

I know that your mother said, do not ever speak to my children again.

01:48:41:17 – 01:48:42:08

Laci

I’m in your room.

01:48:42:08 – 01:48:43:09

Matt

Now, but I’m in your bed.

01:48:43:09 – 01:48:44:08

Laci

And this is our secret.

01:48:44:09 – 01:48:49:03

Matt

What are you going to do? I’ve got a secret for you. I’m the tooth fairy. Don’t tell.

01:48:49:05 – 01:49:00:01

Laci

Don’t tell anyone. We’re going to give everyone else amnesia, including me, at the end of this movie. But you will still remember this and still think I’m the tooth fairy. And then I’m going to gaslight you for the rest of your fucking life.

01:49:00:03 – 01:49:02:05

Matt

37 years old. You’re in therapy with all of us.

01:49:02:06 – 01:49:02:19

Laci

What?

01:49:02:21 – 01:49:05:23

Matt

I saw you be the tooth fairy happening.

01:49:05:23 – 01:49:11:11

Laci

And they will put her. They will lock her up because no one else remembers this. And it’s crazy sounding.

01:49:11:13 – 01:49:32:08

Matt

So then he goes into radio and he’s like, go away! And he’s like, Randy, what are you wearing? You gotta keep playing guitar because you’re really good and nothing you love that much can ever be a waste of time. I am so sorry. But again, even if nothing, this movie has not been building out the case that like, the important thing is just to do what you do.

01:49:32:08 – 01:49:38:06

Matt

Something you love. Because you love it. Because it makes you feel good for its own sake. It’s not like he’s like, well, like learn to love, be in the tooth.

01:49:38:09 – 01:49:38:18

Laci

I mean.

01:49:38:18 – 01:49:40:22

Matt

Tooth fairy or being a goon or loving hockey.

01:49:41:03 – 01:49:50:05

Laci

I’m the rock. I’m destined to succeed. So of course I’m going to go get my dream. Of course I’m going to go back to the big leagues. You can just be in a garage band. No, that would be neat.

01:49:50:06 – 01:49:50:17

Matt

Yes.

01:49:50:17 – 01:49:54:02

Laci

You and that blond kid that will never get knocked.

01:49:54:03 – 01:49:59:05

Matt

Playing music is the most fun thing to do. Okay, let me tell you it’s not where I’m going with this.

01:49:59:05 – 01:50:08:01

Laci

I’m just saying it’s funny the Derek character can’t picture the mediocre life for himself. He needs he still needs to be like, do a try and to try and get results.

01:50:08:03 – 01:50:11:17

Matt

Yeah, yeah. No, no he doesn’t, you know what?

01:50:11:21 – 01:50:20:11

Laci

He’s just like the fucking tooth fairy industry. He needs to believe, but he needs to believe in the thing that’s already true. Like so you see I’m saying.

01:50:20:11 – 01:50:31:17

Matt

Like, no, that’s. Yeah, that’s what I was trying to say. Like, you you can, you need to believe in yourself playing guitar because you will be a rockstar. I believe that you will be in love with the music because you will at whatever. I don’t know what I’m saying.

01:50:31:17 – 01:50:34:03

Laci

I don’t fucking need I. I’ve tied myself in knots.

01:50:34:03 – 01:50:36:12

Matt

We are. We are struggling.

01:50:36:12 – 01:50:43:00

Laci

It’s a bloated episode because it has. It is crush my my love of movies.

01:50:43:00 – 01:50:52:20

Matt

So Randy then says, even if I wanted to, I can’t. I busted my guitar. Yes you did. I can’t go to the talent show and then you, the viewer, are like, I’m sorry, the talent show is right now.

01:50:52:20 – 01:50:54:06

Laci

Right now, while everyone’s asleep.

01:50:54:06 – 01:51:18:06

Matt

I thought it was 130 in the morning when I. Everybody asleep and he’s like, no, here. Alakazam. And you now because he believes he produces a Fender Strat, he’s like, here you go. But let’s put some clothes on. We can still make the talent show. All right. Now, this is the most indignant moment for Ashley Judd. Ashley Judd wakes up and she’s like, Dwayne Johnson, what the fuck?

01:51:18:06 – 01:51:21:19

Laci

Did you dress like a tooth fairy to make up for this?

01:51:21:21 – 01:51:27:09

Matt

And then she says, oh, you rented a fairy costume to make it up to test

01:51:27:11 – 01:51:30:23

Laci

And now you’re with my kids and you’re in my house.

01:51:30:23 – 01:51:36:16

Matt

I told you to never speak to my children again. We are broken up. And instead, you snuck into our house in the middle of the night.

01:51:36:16 – 01:51:43:10

Laci

I spoke to both of my children before me, and now we’re going to the talent show. Without you explaining why or how you got that fucking guitar.

01:51:43:10 – 01:51:57:00

Matt

Yeah, this isn’t a horror movie. This is. Oh, yeah. Jason Voorhees. What are you doing in my house? All right, well, he flies Randy to the school.

01:51:57:00 – 01:52:10:15

Laci

Which is nice. This is a sweet moment, but then he gives him amnesia again. To what point? Where does it do you know that Derek brought you to this talent show? Do you know that he got you the guitar you’re playing?

01:52:10:21 – 01:52:16:21

Matt

You are way more worried about the usual, logistics that I am.

01:52:16:23 – 01:52:31:07

Laci

But then the rock comes down from heaven with amnesia, too, and remembers parts of what happened, but not why. He. He knows he’s been on this ride with this family, but doesn’t understand what like, got him the good results. So he just thinks being him is cool.

01:52:31:07 – 01:52:34:02

Matt

Yeah, you won’t know what to do in the future. Yes. No skills.

01:52:34:02 – 01:52:44:17

Laci

Now. He got himself into the pros while being driven like a John Malkovich through fuck and. And then he wakes up and he’s just him, and he’s like, well, now I’m married.

01:52:44:19 – 01:52:46:13

Matt

John Malkovich and John Malkovich and what?

01:52:46:15 – 01:52:51:00

Laci

Being John Malkovich and saying that John Cusack is in his head, driving him.

01:52:51:00 – 01:53:07:01

Matt

Around. What are the fucking movies now? That’s it. You know what I mean? Flies him to this. Well, maybe Tracy continues to be his case officer comes down, gives him advice, and then images him. But like, in a way he can remember right? Cool, right?

01:53:07:03 – 01:53:19:08

Laci

He just thinks he’s got good thoughts. Sometimes they just come to him. You don’t even have to try. I don’t need therapy. Every now and then. I just get a really good thought. Yeah. And it feels six foot eight tall, weirdly.

01:53:19:10 – 01:53:36:06

Matt

All right. So he drops Randy off and a teacher immediately comes down. He’s like, we’ve been waiting for you. It’s hot for you. And they’re like, Randy, Randy, Randy, Randy are. And you know, they’re they’re fucking it’s it’s cheap trick at Budokan. This little twerp.

01:53:36:07 – 01:53:48:23

Laci

Everybody’s not amped to get the fuck out of there because they just went out of obligation. Everyone’s been mediocre. It’s a kid’s talent show. No, we held them up. We’ve been looking for Randy. If he’s on the list, he’s on the list.

01:53:49:00 – 01:54:04:05

Matt

Because we got to see a little 11 year old go out and go down that. Tyler. Hold on. That, that that. And then the other guy. I don’t remember what he plays.

01:54:04:11 – 01:54:06:19

Laci

Oh. It’s, smoke on.

01:54:06:19 – 01:54:18:10

Matt

The wall. Yeah, I smoke on the water. Yeah, I was so. But now, we’re up in heaven again, right? Derek is talking to Julie Andrews, and she’s like, now, I know that you believe in the power of dreams and wishes. You are hereby relieved of two three duty.

01:54:18:13 – 01:54:21:14

Laci

Do you want to do the honors or shall I.

01:54:21:16 – 01:54:25:06

Matt

But, you know, we’re going to erase your memory. And he’s like, what now? Like. Yep.

01:54:25:08 – 01:54:34:09

Laci

So it is sweet that they’re like, well, maybe we could just email this. What I think we would just e-mail. I thought that was a nice moment with him. And Tracy.

01:54:34:09 – 01:54:37:18

Matt

So nobody who serves as a tooth fairy ever actually remember members.

01:54:37:23 – 01:54:54:10

Laci

They just serve their endured indentured servitude. Isn’t there some kind of thought experiment with that shit? There’s something about going to jail. And if you you you’re something where your family members don’t have to live through you being there, but you do. What is that what.

01:54:54:12 – 01:54:59:13

Matt

Happens out of Star Trek Deep Space Nine that you’re thinking of, you have not seen. But I told you about. Okay.

01:54:59:13 – 01:55:02:19

Laci

I was like, wait, someone else is over through this.

01:55:02:19 – 01:55:19:04

Matt

But you gets in. I don’t remember which character it was. Was it O’Brien? Call me, I don’t remember, I don’t I haven’t watched Deep Space Nine. Just Patrick made me watch this episode and it was good. But yeah, you serve in a mind prison where you. Yes. One second of time passes. Real world. But for you in your head you are literally go for 20 years.

01:55:19:04 – 01:55:23:14

Laci

Yes. So you come back out traumatized. But you did not inconvenience or ruin anyone else’s life.

01:55:23:19 – 01:55:28:07

Matt

Now they just have to deal with the traumatized father who doesn’t remember who they don’t understand.

01:55:28:07 – 01:55:30:05

Laci

He can’t relate because it’s an invisible pain.

01:55:30:05 – 01:55:47:23

Matt

That dad used to be. Cool, some 12 years old. So they. Yeah, he goes back down to earth. He’s at the town show, he’s with Ashley Judd, he’s with the girl. They’re all watching the kid up on stage, shredding the act. And again, the crowd is like taking off the show, showing their tits and stuff. Yeah. Randy and the.

01:55:47:23 – 01:55:49:17

Laci

Vocals. We love that.

01:55:49:17 – 01:55:53:16

Matt

You know, three strange kids come up on stage and join them on the other end.

01:55:53:19 – 01:56:03:06

Laci

They were playing right before he got on and they’re like, oh, what? This kid, we thought he was a loser. Now he can be part of our band. We don’t have a singer either.

01:56:03:08 – 01:56:07:11

Matt

We know how to play what he’s playing. We didn’t ask him if we could come up, but. Yeah. Would you.

01:56:07:11 – 01:56:08:00

Laci

Ask Matt?

01:56:08:00 – 01:56:10:19

Matt

You’re so weird about musicianship. Well, what.

01:56:10:23 – 01:56:13:09

Laci

If someone comes on stage when I’m doing my.

01:56:13:09 – 01:56:16:08

Matt

Riff because he practiced by himself. He knows how to do one thing.

01:56:16:08 – 01:56:17:17

Laci

Yeah, they got boring. All right.

01:56:17:22 – 01:56:24:22

Matt

So now the place is fucking rocking out. And the Rock proposes to Ashley Judd, and she says yes, and now I’m buying it.

01:56:24:22 – 01:56:35:10

Laci

I’m happy, I’m happy it’s over. I’m happy. It like the vein that’s popping out of Ashley Judd’s head. She’s so happy. He’s so happy that he doesn’t understand half of his life.

01:56:35:12 – 01:56:43:23

Matt

So now it’s the closing credits. But nope. You get additional footage. Randy. No. Derek. He got called up to this show. He’s playing for the LA King.

01:56:43:23 – 01:56:54:13

Laci

Don’t just be happy with this beautiful family. He’s starting off on the best possible footing ever. Money, love, beauty. Don’t worry. He also to.

01:56:54:13 – 01:56:59:14

Matt

Move to Los Angeles, a hockey player again, they’re like. But we want to stay in Lansing.

01:56:59:16 – 01:57:03:16

Laci

This kid’s going to get traumatized. He just finally made a friend. Band members here.

01:57:03:18 – 01:57:05:18

Matt

And that girl at Guitar Center who likes him.

01:57:05:18 – 01:57:06:11

Laci

Yeah, there’s this.

01:57:06:11 – 01:57:20:18

Matt

Fucked up everything for these people. But yeah, he’s now in the NHL again. He’s no longer a shitty defenseman. He’s starting at wing for the LA Kings, and we see in the crowd Julie Andrews and Billy Crystal are in attendance, and Billy Crystal shrinks himself down so he can fly around on the puck and be annoying.

01:57:20:18 – 01:57:43:21

Laci

I wish, I, I was already having to forgive it for needing this, because you’re telling me that it is your business model to bring in reluctant people to serve as a tooth fairy until they believe, and it’s you don’t release them until they do them. This heartwarming moments. What’s happened so often, so often, in fact, that you call it doing the honors, whatever you have to get that person who just happens all the time.

01:57:44:00 – 01:57:54:21

Laci

You’re telling me this, this guy, this evolution was so fucking touching that you now need to like, leave heaven and come you. I’m I miss him.

01:57:54:21 – 01:57:58:12

Matt

He’s that you miss him?

01:57:58:14 – 01:58:07:20

Laci

He assaulted you. You said you don’t like touch. He kissed you. You have a fucked up relationship with your body. I think in your boundaries.

01:58:07:22 – 01:58:09:22

Matt

She needs to lean in.

01:58:10:00 – 01:58:27:01

Laci

He is hot though. But. But then that could have been cute. I I’m having dinner with the boss. That’s cute. Billy. Really? Crystal’s doing his thing. That’s cute. Until the pa. Why are you on the park? We don’t need that. We don’t need honey, I Shrunk the Kids. How did you get there? How did you get on the park?

01:58:27:02 – 01:58:30:09

Matt

It’s also Billy Crystal. Gotta do something.

01:58:30:11 – 01:58:52:11

Laci

He did it. That’s what I’m saying. This movie, like, just fucking ate it, man. Have an idea? 1 or 3 even not seven that are all week and shit and don’t go together. And then just add some, like flu for the flu at the end. Now I’m a kid’s movie, a dog dunking a basket, a kid playing for the angels.

01:58:52:15 – 01:58:55:06

Laci

Oh, a man on a hook.

01:58:55:08 – 01:59:04:03

Matt

You get to win. Fuck you if you want it. And you dream big. You can win everything. The talent show Billy Crystal. You get to make it to the end.

01:59:04:03 – 01:59:05:21

Laci

Mary Ashley Judd.

01:59:05:23 – 01:59:14:11

Matt

I believe the L.A. Kings won the Stanley Cup in 20 2012. Matt. So he’s going to be part of that championship run I don’t care, you don’t care.

01:59:14:12 – 01:59:35:19

Laci

I don’t care what this man only responds if he’s going to get the very best result. I think he’s a baby. Big fat baby baby. And.

01:59:35:20 – 01:59:42:19

Laci

He.

Final Thoughts

01:59:42:21 – 01:59:45:06

Laci

I’m giving it a one and a half. I’m changing my rating.

01:59:45:06 – 01:59:47:15

Matt

I change my rating all the time.

01:59:47:17 – 01:59:49:22

Laci

All right. I feel better about that.

01:59:50:00 – 01:59:55:02

Matt

So Laci gave this two and a half stars on Letterboxd, and she said in her review, can.

01:59:55:02 – 01:59:56:05

Laci

I read it in my own words?

01:59:56:05 – 01:59:57:12

Matt

You okay? Fine.

01:59:57:14 – 02:00:01:21

Laci

No, no, I’m sorry. You had a movie. You liked it. So go ahead if you already have.

02:00:01:21 – 02:00:11:16

Matt

My favorite thing she has said, in a movie review since, well, my favorite thing I’ve ever read in a movie review, which is at the end of her letterbox review, she said, I’m moving on.

02:00:11:17 – 02:00:16:21

Laci

I was I was jilted, I was dejected, I was I was tired.

02:00:16:23 – 02:00:24:21

Matt

Because I knew what she meant. But also, it’s like, you sound like a coach. At a press conference. Well, we gotta review the tape. We gotta we’re on decent. We’re focused on Cincinnati putting this behind us.

02:00:24:21 – 02:00:26:05

Laci

I mean, we’ve got more stuff to watch.

02:00:26:06 – 02:00:38:15

Matt

Moving on. That was my favorite thing you have said since in the My Best Friend’s Wedding episode when I was like, you think they still had sex? You said, it’s none of our business like you, right? You know, when you think about it, nothing in movies is it, is it? We shouldn’t be asked.

02:00:38:16 – 02:00:41:21

Laci

If you saw the page in your brain.

02:00:41:22 – 02:00:44:10

Matt

Do you want to go first or I just.

02:00:44:10 – 02:01:03:04

Laci

Yeah, one and a half. Like, I hate talking about it. It was torture, and I didn’t even. I wasn’t even sure what wasn’t working. Except for that. It wasn’t. And that’s more frustrating than knowing what is not because I didn’t. I wouldn’t even know how to fix it. This movie doesn’t need to exist. It doesn’t understand what it is, doesn’t understand the kids movie, doesn’t understand adult movie.

02:01:03:06 – 02:01:14:08

Laci

It’s not abridged anything. It’s not like repurposing old stars and be like, oh, I’m doing another. They’re not using the star. They have the shrinking, the one that they’ve got when he’s known for being big. That’s what the fuck.

02:01:14:14 – 02:01:15:21

Matt

It’s not a good kids movie.

02:01:15:21 – 02:01:16:18

Laci

It’s not a good kids.

02:01:16:20 – 02:01:19:07

Matt

There’s not there’s not enough.

02:01:19:09 – 02:01:20:05

Laci

Not enough kids.

02:01:20:05 – 02:01:21:07

Matt

Movies can have sadness.

02:01:21:07 – 02:01:21:17

Laci

No. Right.

02:01:21:18 – 02:01:27:23

Matt

There’s not enough. Like running from the cat when you’re teeny tiny. Yeah. Rock being in a tutu. Like there’s not enough that’s.

02:01:28:00 – 02:01:44:17

Laci

You think they’re going to lean in on the silliness because it’s so silly in the beginning, so silly that it’s annoying. And then it’s like, maybe they shot this movie in order, and they watched him do his physical comedy like, no, no, hard no. We’re still going to keep that, but we’re going to do some other things. Now, a lot of montage, a lot.

02:01:44:17 – 02:01:46:03

Matt

Of a.

02:01:46:05 – 02:01:49:04

Laci

Lot of emotions, a lot of diarrhea talk.

02:01:49:06 – 02:01:50:14

Matt

So you didn’t like it I like.

02:01:50:14 – 02:02:08:11

Laci

It, yeah. And like, I still like the Rock. I did not come out. That’s what’s interesting to me. I know I shouldn’t hate actors based on their performances as people, but because he is this like, wrestling person who you think you know, even though this is still a character, there’s something about wrestling that it’s like, no, this is a person I’m getting to know.

02:02:08:13 – 02:02:24:13

Laci

And I know he’s having a hard time over here. No, no, I mean, he’s doing what he wants for you, doing what he thinks he wants. And and he’s like getting this mid response and this kind of bad goodbye while hitting this rough patch of like okay this wasn’t the move I didn’t I I’m doing bad in both places.

02:02:24:13 – 02:02:31:15

Laci

It doesn’t feel good. So if this did good in the box office I’m rooting for you Rock. I’m rooting for you Dwayne Johnson.

02:02:31:19 – 02:02:32:04

Matt

02:02:32:09 – 02:02:35:08

Laci

Yeah I so I’m still with you. I’m still going to ride.

02:02:35:13 – 02:02:52:20

Matt

Yeah. My I is not for him. He is. He was set up to fail here again. Even Ashley Judd and Julie Andrews all time great actors are not able to do anything in this movie because it is directed by an incompetent boob. I think this might be the worst movie we’ve ever covered. I don’t know what the other contenders are.

02:02:52:21 – 02:02:55:00

Matt

I can’t think of them either. But this is just.

02:02:55:00 – 02:02:57:22

Laci

Oh, Howard the Duck Bailey sound.

02:02:58:01 – 02:03:07:02

Matt

Sorry. Smashed trophy. John. No, I like too much. I like I like, Howard the Duck more than you. This is both incompetent, and I think it is,

02:03:07:04 – 02:03:08:12

Laci

Ill conceived.

02:03:08:14 – 02:03:13:17

Matt

Odious. I think its message is is. Yeah. Well, it’s just it’s message is not thought of at all.

02:03:13:20 – 02:03:20:18

Laci

It’s just it’s it’s so unthought of that that gives it a bad one on accident. I think it’s a bad message. And they didn’t even mean to do it.

02:03:20:20 – 02:03:25:01

Matt

And it’s not like that’s going to harm kids. It’s just it’s like,

02:03:25:03 – 02:03:25:22

Laci

Fucking it’s.

02:03:26:02 – 02:03:28:06

Matt

Blurry. It’s more interesting.

02:03:28:07 – 02:03:41:09

Laci

It’s not even consistent in the movie you’re messaging. You don’t even understand what you’re trying to say. You think that a kid’s movie needs a moral, so you fucking just shoved one in there and it’s not even doing it right?

02:03:41:11 – 02:03:53:17

Matt

But it is the kind of message where you think about it and you’re like, so I guess what it is saying is, if something bad happens to you, it’s your fault because you didn’t work hard enough, because that is ultimately what happens in the movie. Right? All right. But that’s.

02:03:53:18 – 02:03:54:08

Laci

What’s your star.

02:03:54:08 – 02:04:09:13

Matt

Rating? One star. And that is mainly just for the one scene where he tells the kid, like, all right, thanks. Good. But you know, he has this low at least, in our opinion. And the next year he comes back with one of his best movies, Fast Five.

02:04:09:13 – 02:04:11:18

Laci

And this is the fifth movie in the in the.

02:04:11:18 – 02:04:20:07

Matt

Yes. Okay. This is kind of when the fast series evolves into being like, super big budget globe spanning.

02:04:20:10 – 02:04:24:09

Laci

We watched the first one or the fourth one to get ready for it.

02:04:24:11 – 02:04:25:03

Matt

Well, I.

02:04:25:03 – 02:04:30:16

Laci

Mean, I watched the latest one and I didn’t see hardly any of the other ones. I’ve seen the first one a couple times.

02:04:30:18 – 02:04:32:21

Matt

And you have seen this one because this is the best one in the.

02:04:32:21 – 02:04:34:22

Laci

Series. Is the guy still alive in here?

02:04:34:22 – 02:04:42:07

Matt

Yeah. The actor. Yeah. And they walk Walker and the Rock joins as an adversary. He’s the bad guy of the movie.

02:04:42:08 – 02:04:43:18

Laci

When does Paul Walker die?

02:04:43:18 – 02:04:47:15

Matt

2013. He two more movies after this. Okay. Thank you. All right.

02:04:47:17 – 02:04:51:22

Laci

So I just don’t want to step in on the like this is the sad goodbye one.

02:04:52:00 – 02:05:03:17

Matt

And this was a case where the Rock made the fast series bigger and the fast series made him pick. Yeah. And and it it eventually got poisoned. But for about three movies, it was doing real well for both sides.

02:05:03:17 – 02:05:08:10

Laci

Do you know how weird, been diesel is?

02:05:08:12 – 02:05:13:08

Matt

Yes. He’s very he’s he’s an interesting person to compare to the Rock two. Yeah.

02:05:13:08 – 02:05:18:22

Laci

Okay. For sure. Because you think there’s not room for two bald guys there are. They are very different people.

02:05:19:00 – 02:05:22:19

Matt

Caleb Hogan will be joining us for that episode. Okay.

02:05:22:21 – 02:05:26:17

Laci

I don’t know him. An apology for shitting on neighborhood friends.

02:05:26:19 – 02:05:27:18

Matt

Yes, you do.

02:05:27:20 – 02:05:29:09

Laci

Although I made it clear that no one done with him.

02:05:29:13 – 02:05:53:07

Matt

This whole series kind of started with him saying that Baywatch failed because of a rock. Say that again. Oh, tell a friend about our show. Tell a friend about our show. Tell them to go check out Load Bearing Beams Pod on YouTube. Tell them to check out our Patreon: Patreon.com/loadbearingbeams for Load Bearing Beams: Collector’s Edition. And I have a spin-off podcast that comes out once a month about The Twilight Zone.

02:05:53:07 – 02:05:54:21

Matt

It’s called The Sign Post Up ahead.

02:05:54:21 – 02:05:56:07

Laci

It’s quite the spin.

02:05:56:08 – 02:06:05:03

Matt
I am on Letterboxd at MattStokes9. Laci is on Letterboxd at LoadBearingLaci. My band is named Rural Route Nine. If we had worked harder, we would have been bigger.

02:06:05:05 – 02:06:15:22

Laci

And if you could smell what I’m cooking, okay I love you, goodbyeeeeeeeeeee.