Heartbreakers (2001)

Laci (00:00:21):

Welcome, welcome, welcome. I don’t know why I did that.

Matt (00:00:24):

Laci! Oh, the room is spinning. Everything is off its axis. Go on, take it from here. I did something crazy. You host this

Laci (00:00:33):

Episode. Hi, I’m Laci Roth and I’m married to Matt Stokes who sometimes speaks during these podcasts.

Matt (00:00:39):

This is Load Bearing Beams, a movie podcast where we examine a movie from deep, deep, deep within the recesses of our cavity soul. Oh, get in there, take it out, examine it. I loved Heartbreakers. Do you love it too? And I watch it and I’m like, it’s pretty good. That’s not how I sound. That wasn’t you. That as a hypothetical

Laci (00:00:58):

Person, that’s not how

Matt (00:01:00):

You see how this works. Everybody is

Laci (00:01:02):

Take

Matt (00:01:02):

A movie that we look at from our past, from long ago. Does this hold up now?

Laci (00:01:08):

I think they get it. We’re a married couple. We’re very funny. So today we’re doing mine. Oh, very funny. Except for you. Today we’re doing my load-bearing Beam Heartbreakers in honor of the late great Gene Hackman. I wish I’d remembered. He dies in this movie and it’s a very whole lot happens with his poor dead body. And for some reason that made me extra. Always found it funny this time I found it sad.

Matt (00:01:35):

Oh really? Because his death is really funny.

Laci (00:01:37):

His death is funny, but that they have to fool around with his body after the fact. Remind me too much of the fact that it was weird at his house while he was dead in real life. And that made me bummed.

Matt (00:01:48):

Yes. Where the reports suggest his wife was dead for a week before he

Laci (00:01:53):

Died.

Matt (00:01:53):

I’m telling people in case they don’t know, and his brain was riddled with Alzheimer’s. He might not have even known where he was. That’s the real Gene Hackman in this movie. Gene Hackman.

Laci (00:02:03):

He’s fine.

Matt (00:02:04):

He’s on the poster. And I wanted to pick a Gene Hackman movie from Laci’s. We keep a list of movies we’d like to cover. I have my movies, Laci has her movies, Heartbreakers that has Gene Hackman on the poster. Now Gene Hackman’s in a big section of the movie, but he’s not

Laci (00:02:17):

The movie.

Matt (00:02:18):

He’s not the movie. And then he goes away. And if there is a major problem I have with his movie, it’s like how do you not have something for Gene Hackman to do? They don’t really seem to have even a take on the character for him. Just cough and smoke a lot.

Laci (00:02:31):

Yeah, yeah, you’re right about that. But I think Jennifer Le Hett was such a big deal right around this moment. They’re like, her tits are going to bring us through this fucking movie. We just need those in every frame.

Matt (00:02:43):

And I have some quotes from her 20 years later talking about how that’s all anybody ever talked about with her or her tits.

Laci (00:02:49):

I know she’s perfectly proportioned and it’s rough.

Matt (00:02:54):

She’s like, I’m also an actress and I think a solid actress is pretty good in this movie. Sigourney Weaver pretty good in this movie, but unlike Sigourney Weaver and Gene Hackman, that’s going to be the best movie ever. And directed by David Merkin, the showrunner of the two greatest seasons of television in history. Simpson Seasons five and six. How could We Go Wrong Artists? And we didn’t go wrong. We didn’t go

Laci (00:03:15):

Wrong and Raya went so wrong, so I don’t, the special

Matt (00:03:18):

Thing about the movie is Ray

Laci (00:03:19):

Leotta, Ray ota

Matt (00:03:20):

And he fucking, the movie’s fine, but he parachutes in for the last third and you’re like, thank God. Now this thing’s got a little kick.

Laci (00:03:28):

It knew maybe we can’t do Hackman and Liotta, but we need one of them.

Matt (00:03:32):

But you look at the movie now and you probably wonder why wasn’t Ray Liotta… Why wasn’t this whole thing built around Ray Liotta? And just excise the 45 minutes of Gene Hackman.

Laci (00:03:41):

Fucking forbid we have a mother-daughter focused movie.

Matt (00:03:46):

No, I know. With them as him as the mark.

Laci (00:03:49):

Oh, watching that whole play Well because they’re just two cute together. They need to come together in the end.

Matt (00:03:55):

It is nice.

Laci (00:03:56):

It’s nice. I do like it too. I love where it leaves it and that it let it ends in a con. So nice.

Matt (00:04:01):

It is nice. Tell me about your history with the movie. You see it in the

Laci (00:04:04):

Theaters? I have no idea. I definitely was having a Kevin Smith moment. So Jason Lee was just very much on my radar as this heart throbs bothered me. Really, really attractive. Teens and movie stars was kind of all that was on offer. Now Jennifer Le Hugs in it, but to bounce it out, I feel like Jason Lee is a very normal looking guy and I always like that. And it was before a Seth Rogan came on or I just like his normalness. I like how he kind of stands in for the audience, just kind of saying exactly what’s on our mind. That’s always his thing and I always like it,

Matt (00:04:45):

I guess.

Laci (00:04:46):

Alright, well fuck you. I love anything about Con. I love anything with a plan. I like anything about people who are really, really good at something. This movie always kind of hurts my feelings, but then I get over it.

Matt (00:04:58):

What do you mean?

Laci (00:04:59):

I don’t know, it’s just sad. I don’t like that Paige has to toy so much with Jack Same’s Jack, right? It’s Jack. Anyway, it pays off. It’s fine.

Matt (00:05:11):

When you say it hurts my feelings and I think you mean it insults you personally.

Laci (00:05:15):

It’s

Matt (00:05:15):

Just like, no, it’s just my feelings. Women with black hair are stupid and you’re like, hi.

Laci (00:05:18):

Nope, nope.

Matt (00:05:20):

It just makes you sad. Okay.

Laci (00:05:22):

It’s not fun all the way through. There’s a couple parts where I’m like, Ooh, get happy again guys.

Matt (00:05:28):

Gotcha. Okay.

Laci (00:05:29):

It don’t look like one minute of it and I’m just like, don’t be mean to him.

Matt (00:05:33):

What did you think of Jennifer Love Hewitt? What was your understanding of her in 2001?

Laci (00:05:39):

I wouldn’t have thought of her as an actress at all. I’d just think of her as a ridiculously good looking. Not so much her face, but her body’s just impossibly. It’s endlessly fun to watch and look at and put clothes on. But I found her funny. I found her endearing in this movie. Unfortunately, anyone put in the movies that were trying to be scream our actors, I don’t like as much as the actors in Scream because I’m like, oh, they’re just trying to copy. It had anything to do with Jennifer f Hug, she had any control over it, but because she’s a part of the, she’s like in sync, right? You came after Backstreet Boys, I’m sorry,

Matt (00:06:17):

And

Laci (00:06:17):

You’re the

Matt (00:06:19):

Nev Campbell of I Know What You Did last summer. And that’s very much the vibe of her performance

Laci (00:06:24):

In that movie. And then Sarah Michelle Geller also gets lumped in it’s cruel. Expect Cruel Expectations. That’s the name.

Matt (00:06:31):

No

Laci (00:06:32):

Cruel Intentions.

Matt (00:06:32):

There you go.

Laci (00:06:33):

That saves Michelle Geller for me, but also because she did Buffy the vampire of the series. Get Fucked, Sarah. So anyway, I lump all those together as my little scary queens. Either watch boner humor or you get scared with boobs. Those were our options during these days.

Matt (00:06:53):

Those were the two kinds of people you are

Laci (00:06:55):

And I liked watching. This is a movie that spends a lot of time in a resort location that always makes me want to watch it more than once. And I like watching all the outfits go by.

Matt (00:07:05):

I was going to ask, is this an eye candy movie?

Laci (00:07:06):

It’s not high candy but it’s not. Well,

Matt (00:07:08):

What does that mean?

Laci (00:07:10):

Well, that is close, Matt, what else would that mean? Boy, you’re dumb when you’re on Dum. Like to know he’s been drinking the old cough syrup lately because he’s going to cough and he’s not as sharp as usual. Guys, I want you to just take it easy on him and I’ll try to do the

Matt (00:07:25):

Same. Fine. She’s like somebody who I’ve always been aware of just because of the three names but didn’t know what is she known for. And I guess I have a better sense of it now, but I guess she would’ve been right before I came online. Being aware of

Laci (00:07:40):

Can’t Hardly Wait, isn’t one of your movies?

Matt (00:07:42):

It’s definitely one of mine. I’ve seen it now in my thirties, but it wasn’t at the time and I wasn’t watching Party of Five and I wasn’t listening to her four studio

Laci (00:07:50):

Albums. What she sings,

Matt (00:07:53):

I was going to see if you knew it,

Laci (00:07:54):

That plus Ray Leotta iss Dead and you’re just dropping all kinds of news on me.

Matt (00:07:58):

Her highest charting single got two, number 39 I believe on the hot 100, which is not nothing.

Laci (00:08:03):

What’s it called?

Matt (00:08:04):

We’ll take a listen and see if we recognize it at all.

Laci (00:08:06):

I’m sure I’ll

Matt (00:08:07):

Alright, so we will get into the brief history of Heartbreakers after this quick promotion for our bonus video. This movie Heartbreakers is about mothers and daughters and sometimes there are some awkward moments and sometimes they construct awkward moments

Laci (00:08:22):

Like when you get your daughter to fuck some guy for a con.

Matt (00:08:25):

Exactly. So we

Laci (00:08:27):

Wonder, so awkward.

Matt (00:08:28):

God is thinking God, our brains wheeling and dealing and thinking. What are some times where we went to the movies with our mom and it was not good, it was awkward,

Laci (00:08:38):

Or what are some times where we were the mom and we were awkward?

Matt (00:08:41):

And so Laci and I each tell a captivating tale. Go of it happening to us. You can find that video. Here’s how you can find it. The only places you can find it. Twitter at load-bearing pod, Instagram load-bearing beams, TikTok load bearing beams

Laci (00:08:56):

Or at these coordinates, 5 7, 20, 40. Is that a longitude?

Matt (00:09:01):

Yeah, that is that. But you won’t give out the latitude.

Laci (00:09:03):

No,

Matt (00:09:04):

I keep saying as you can see it on blue sky, unfortunately Blue sky, you can’t post videos longer than a minute. So I need to figure out a solution for Blue Sky, but

Laci (00:09:11):

If anyone’s got one, put it in the comments.

Matt (00:09:13):

There you

Laci (00:09:13):

Go. Thanks.

Matt (00:09:40):

Let’s talk about the history of Heartbreakers and David Merkin is the director of this movie and he only directed two movies, Romeo and Michelle’s High School reunion. We did an episode about that back in 2023, and that was actually the first episode we ever did where we did a proper history segment. So it’s kind of like the first real episode of Lord

Laci (00:10:02):

I think. So please don’t listen to anything before that we didn’t know we were doing. We’ve got a few random, there’s a handful.

Matt (00:10:09):

Yeah, I’d say 2023. When we came back with Grease two, we weren’t doing history yet, but we

Laci (00:10:16):

Were cooking with Grease.

Matt (00:10:16):

We were starting to figure it out. It only took us six years at that point. So yeah, David Merkin directs two movies, Romeo and Michelle, and then Heartbreakers. Now Romeo and Michelle is a movie with a giant cultural legacy, even though it wasn’t a hit at the time. There’s tons of oral histories, there’s a huge fan base. It’s getting a legacy sequel soon. Heartbreakers was actually a kind of moderate hit, made more money than Romeo and Michelle, but there’s nothing about this movie

Laci (00:10:43):

Makes sense

Matt (00:10:43):

Online. So what I could find was Jennifer Love Hewitt got interviewed on the 20th anniversary and there’s an interview with David Merkin from the time of the movie’s release, but David Merkin created Get A Life, the Chris Elliott show.

Laci (00:10:59):

I like that show

Matt (00:11:00):

And it’s a blind spot for me. I know I need to, I know I’ll like it because I like Merkin’s sensibilities and I think what he brought to the Simpsons in seasons five and six, he was not somebody who worked on The Simpsons before that, but he was a James L. Brooks protege and TV lifer ran the New Heart Show.

Laci (00:11:17):

I love Bob New Heart,

Matt (00:11:18):

Did Get a Life and then went over to The Simpsons and really, really evolved The Simpsons past its early era into I think the true golden era of The Simpsons.

Laci (00:11:30):

I think it’s really cool that he only directed two movies and there are two of my load-bearing bees to think he might be one then

Matt (00:11:37):

And then did not direct again. I think he tried, but he was already filthy rich from his TV life. And then he had this gig that he still has being a one day a week consulting producer on The Simpsons,

(00:11:50):

And he’s probably in 2001 thinking, well, the Simpsons will go a year two more and then I can retire. And now the Simpsons is in season 37 and he still works one day a week and gets that paycheck, but that’s David Merkin. He said at the time that this script was sent to him, he didn’t write the script, but he said quote, I turned the script down three times. I did not like the script When I got it, I did a rewrite on the script that took about a year. They sent me the script and I said, I like the idea of two con women, mother and daughter con women, and I liked some of the bones of the story, but the script that I received early on was really broad. It had no emotion in it, it wasn’t clever. And I think that comedies have to be smart because the con artists are smart, where if we’re watching a con and we’re ahead of it, then we’re not going to fall for it. I said I was considering the movie, but I would have to do a rewrite basically. He took a year to rewrite it. He doesn’t get screenwriting credit, but then he said he sent it on to Sigourney Weaver and she came aboard. Where was Sigourney Weaver at in 2001? Well,

Laci (00:12:48):

Yeah, she was not someone I really knew anything about because I didn’t watch The Alien franchise until I met you.

Matt (00:12:54):

She was 51 at the time. And one thing that’s cool about this movie is it is just a legit grownup movie. Sigourney Weaver is 51 and is 52 and is hot as hell in this movie, and it’s reasonable that she’s seducing all these men and even indirect competition with Jennifer Love and it’s reasonable to see she could win. But her career launches with Alien in 19 79, 19 84. She’s in Ghostbusters, which is where she first really shows her comedy chops. 1986, she gets the Oscar nomination for Aliens, which is an incredible Oscar nomination. And then 1988 gets nominated for two different Oscars best actress and gorillas in the Mis and best supporting actress for Working Girl, which also shows

Laci (00:13:35):

Oh yeah, she’s the boss, she

Matt (00:13:36):

Can do comedy. Yes. And then in the nineties she’s in Dave and she’s in Galaxy Quest. So she’s in all these very s but David Merkin says the studio was skeptical about casting her and he said quote, that’s the brilliant people at the studio who want to see a tape of the actress auditioning. He’s like, you’re going to make Sigourney Weaver audition for this. She wants to do this movie. But he said, quote, it’s typical with a studio, you are kicking and screaming and dragging them every step of the way. There’s very few films, particularly good films, that you’re not in a fight at every step of the road. I know from all the Simpson’s commentaries I’ve listened to, he is very bitter about the way the business works and very much just looks down on executives. So I can imagine, especially The Simpsons was very blessed in not having to deal with interference from the network due to the weird circumstances of Simpson’s birth. It has basically this lifetime contract of the Fox executives can’t interfere, and he probably got spoiled with that then

Laci (00:14:37):

When he went to, oh fuck yeah,

Matt (00:14:39):

Make movies for studios and suddenly they have lots of opinions.

Laci (00:14:41):

Well, there’s your answer. That’s why he didn’t, it’s not that he couldn’t, it’s just that he already made a name for himself. Why bang his head against the wall over.

Matt (00:14:50):

Exactly. Yes.

Laci (00:14:51):

Yeah.

Matt (00:14:51):

So for someone to question Sigourney Weaver at this point in her career about her being funny or sexy, look at Ghostbusters. Look at Working girl. Look at Dave. There’s a woman who’s a brilliant comedian.

Laci (00:15:01):

I’d even say Avatar. She’s pretty hu.

Matt (00:15:03):

I was thrilled when I sent her the script and she responded to it. It was great because not only is she funny and sexy, but this is very important for the film. She’s the kind of actress who does not shy away from the darker aspects of her character. She’s not looking just to be cute all the time and lovable all the time. Just the very nature of who she is makes her incredibly likable. That’s part of what’s amazing about her, but she doesn’t try for it in her performance. She’s going for what’s true to the character, even if that’s dark and twisted end quote, which is true in this movie. She’s kind of unapologetic about who she is and nevertheless, she loves her daughter and wants what’s best for her daughter. Jennifer Love Hewitt, who was 21 at the time.

Laci (00:15:40):

Good God.

Matt (00:15:42):

Started her career on the Disney Channel Series Kids Incorporated in 1989.

Laci (00:15:47):

KIDS.

Matt (00:15:48):

So what is this

Laci (00:15:49):

Kids incorporated? I mean, it’s just like a sketch. I mean, it was trying to keep up with Mickey Mouse Club. I don’t know if it was more like all that or I can’t remember. I remember just the songs at this point. So

Matt (00:16:04):

She was on the Fox Show Party of Five with Nev Campbell and Matthew Fox starting in 95. I know what you did last summer and it’s sequel in 97 and 98. Can’t Hardly Wait. In 98, she released four studio albums starting with Love songs in 1992. Let’s go Bang in 1995.

Speaker 3 (00:16:21):

Oh,

Matt (00:16:22):

Jennifer Love Hewitt in 1996 and Bear Naked in 2002. Her most successful single was 1990 nine’s. How do deal? Let’s take a listen.

Laci (00:16:31):

It’s for the soundtrack of

Matt (00:16:33):

Soundtrack.

Laci (00:16:34):

I already don’t know it. Oh, Jennifer, yeah, yeah. Up. I have no idea what this is.

Matt (00:16:46):

Just get to the course.

Laci (00:16:53):

I’m just so cute guys

Matt (00:16:56):

Now. Nothing. No, no.

Laci (00:16:59):

Sorry, ginger, no

Matt (00:17:00):

Condition comes.

Laci (00:17:01):

You’re gorgeous. That’s what you get in this life.

Matt (00:17:03):

This is, you’re

Laci (00:17:04):

Gorgeous.

Matt (00:17:04):

It sounds like well-made approximation of what was a hit at the time.

Laci (00:17:08):

Yeah,

Matt (00:17:08):

Good job. After her run, I think Heartbreakers was an attempt to bridge the gap, try to transition. Now I’m a grownup. Take me seriously. I’m a sex pot, but also I’m a grownup acting. Look, I’m with Sigourney Weaver and Gene motherfucking Hackman man. Her movie career didn’t really take off from there, but she became very successful on tv. She was in the show Ghost Whisperer,

Laci (00:17:32):

And she’s been forgot about that one.

Matt (00:17:33):

She’s been on the show called 9 1 1 on CBS or NBC or its Run for 19 seasons. She’s a billionaire, I’m sure.

Speaker 3 (00:17:42):

Oh, good for you.

Matt (00:17:43):

There’s a 2021 interview with her on Vulture about the making of Heartbreakers. She asked by the interviewer what she thinks now 20 years later about how much attention was being paid to her body and her boobs,

(00:17:57):

Not at the time, including when she was underage. And she said, it’s interesting, I just watched the Britney Spears documentary framing Britney Spears in, there’s that whole section in there talking about her breasts at that time that I was going through it and interviewers were asking what now would be incredibly inappropriate gross things. It didn’t feel that way. I mean, I was in barely any clothing, the whole movie. For some reason in my brain, I was able to just go, okay, well, I guess they wouldn’t be asking if it was inappropriate. But now as a 42-year-old woman with a daughter, I definitely look back on it and go, Ew.

Laci (00:18:29):

Yeah. How old was she in Heartbreakers?

Matt (00:18:33):

21.

Laci (00:18:34):

Oh, okay. When are you talking about the underage parts? When was she being

Matt (00:18:39):

Like Party of five? I think even so if she’s 21 in 2000, then I know.

Laci (00:18:44):

Well, I can’t hardly wait. I

Matt (00:18:45):

Know what you did last summer at Can’t hardly wait. She’s 18, but maybe filming them when she’s 17.

Laci (00:18:49):

Okay. Then that’s the Yeah, because she’s in hardly any clothes in anything.

Matt (00:18:52):

Yeah. So that’s Jennifer Love Hewitt, and that is our brief history of Heartbreakers. Somebody out there, Hey, hire me, I’ll do an oral history. I’ll go get in touch with these people.

Laci (00:19:03):

He’s really good at oral.

Matt (00:19:04):

Yeah, I can ask questions of the best of them. So what was it like? And this movie was a pretty decent hit opened at number one amongst all your lure of the rings in your Harry Potters. You just get this nice movie star and people being artists

Laci (00:19:21):

And you’re going to laugh. TTAs got you covered.

Matt (00:19:27):

If they announced there’s a heartbreaker sequel, Heartbreakers is, what would you think?

Laci (00:19:31):

I’d say use an apostrophe at the end and I’d also say, no thank you. I don’t know. All I do with every movie is just wait for you to tell me if I’m watching it or not.

Matt (00:19:43):

No, that’s not happening. But

Laci (00:19:44):

You filter my movies for me. That’s what I’m saying. I just wait for you to tell me what the scuttlebutt is and if it’s a good scuttle.

Matt (00:19:53):

But you could eat. I put

Laci (00:19:54):

My butt

Matt (00:19:54):

In. The JLH has a daughter of her own now she’s teaching the tricks of the trade. I

Laci (00:19:58):

Don’t want that. No, I haven’t seen her act since this movie, so I don’t have an interest in her. I mean, whatever. Do something good and I’ll watch it, man.

Matt (00:20:08):

I think the only things I’ve seen her in are the Garfield movies where she is impeccable. She’s wonderful in that. No, I don’t in the Garfield movies.

Laci (00:20:16):

Garfield. Is she normal?

Matt (00:20:20):

She’s John Arbuckle’s. Hot vet

Laci (00:20:22):

Girlfriend. So she’s hot.

Matt (00:20:23):

Yeah.

Laci (00:20:24):

Poor thing.

Matt (00:20:25):

Yeah,

Laci (00:20:26):

Poor thing.

Matt (00:20:27):

Oh, it must suck to be her.

Laci (00:20:28):

Yeah.

Matt (00:20:28):

That’s the history of Heartbreakers. Tune into our movie discussion coming up New next. Oh, what’s nice about this movie? Legit metro Goldwyn Meyer picture, which is why it’s on Amazon Prime, which is nice, but also is terrible, but we won’t get into that. Laci said, what is this Beatle juice when the music hits?

Laci (00:21:23):

You’ve gotten me. So I don’t notice effects like you, but I notice scores because of you and I’m getting better at it. I

Matt (00:21:32):

Called it. And indeed the theme is by Danny Elfman, although the rest of the score is by John Debney, theme by Elfman score by Debney. What is this? The Simpsons. Because Danny Elfman does the Simpsons

Laci (00:21:43):

Thing,

Matt (00:21:43):

But not the scorpion.

Laci (00:21:44):

There are elfman moments though throughout the movie.

Matt (00:21:47):

It’s Deni Dein an elfman.

Laci (00:21:48):

He’s doing it.

Matt (00:21:49):

We open at a church and it’s an elaborate Catholic wedding

Laci (00:21:54):

For a 50-year-old woman in

Matt (00:21:57):

This sort of blue dress.

Laci (00:21:59):

And the weird, this dress has always driven me crazy. The fashion in this movie, it has never felt like, yes, that is what you should be wearing. Sigourney Weaver, she’s pretty, she makes interesting choices. I don’t think there’s an outfit I like in the whole movie that she wears.

Matt (00:22:16):

It’s interesting because there’s a screen credit that says Miss Sigourney’s out msig Ms. Weaver’s outfits by and then costumes by, so it’s like she had her own person.

Laci (00:22:25):

Yeah, they’re like couture or something. I mean they’re pretty, they’re for a certain, they’re age appropriate. They’re just not my style. And I like what Jennifer Huts wearing the whole time, and I guess I’m supposed to, I was a teenager at the time.

Matt (00:22:41):

So she’s walking down the aisle in this blue dress, a hush falls over the crowd. She’s getting married to Ray, who’s playing Dean Ano. And then there’s a wedding reception sequence. And you were like, is Ray Liotta the person who’s gotten married and movies the most? Think about it. We can name two good Heartbreakers. The list goes on and on,

Laci (00:23:02):

But he gets a reception, this guy Recepts is what I’m saying.

Matt (00:23:05):

No one receives like Ray and I broke the news to you that Ray Liotta died four years ago. He did. And you were like, oh, that sucks.

Laci (00:23:15):

It hurt to hear.

Matt (00:23:16):

It does. And I broke the news in real time. I was recording in the music studio with my friends Wade and tj and I broke the news to them and they were both like, oh no,

Laci (00:23:26):

He’s just a guy. You don’t want anything bad to happen to. He’s so full of life. He never entered like Crotty old man phase of acting. He’s just always the hey. Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know. He’s a person with energy.

Matt (00:23:41):

For some reason it didn’t occur to me until my late thirties that Ray Liotta is a really special actor.

Laci (00:23:47):

Yeah,

Matt (00:23:47):

I think I was always just like, yeah, he’s the guy from Goodfellas who isn’t De Niro and isn’t Peshy.

Laci (00:23:51):

Exactly.

Matt (00:23:52):

He’s the lead of Goodfellas, but not the flashy lead. So I just kind of, but then I realized all the movies where I love his injection, but he’s not a leading man. He is the injection off the bench of the microwave. He’s heating up. And in this movie he really rescues. He’s Dennis Rodman. And it’s weird because I think in the beginning of this movie, he totally doesn’t necessarily have a handle on this character, but over the last 30 minutes of the movie, he comes back and he’s pitch perfect.

Laci (00:24:20):

I think he has a perfect handle on this stage of his life in this movie. He’s just some guy that really actually loves this woman who’s making him wait for marriage to have sex in their fifties.

Matt (00:24:33):

But I guess that just isn’t that interesting to watch him

Laci (00:24:36):

Play what’s there to Yeah, I think for what he has to do in the beginning, perfectly in tune with the character. He just doesn’t have anything interesting to do as that character

Matt (00:24:44):

Yet. Sure. So they’re having their wedding reception and they’re dancing, and Ray is like, can we get, I think we’ve made an appearance here. Can we go get to fucking now because she has made him wait until Mars. And he’s like, yes, of course, let’s get going. But then the best man’s like, Hey, fiddle dd, I got to interrupt and take a dance with the best lady. And now there’s a sort of montage where we see all of the men are dancing with Sigourney and Ray Liotta is frustrated and now it’s the end of the night and she’s dancing with the busboy and getting drunker and drunker as she goes, and finally is enough of this and takes her up to their room.

Laci (00:25:22):

It’s a real craft though, the way she always seems so into it. She always is overly sexual and I can’t wait to fuck. There is something, she is skilled in this position. She is acting totally in love, totally smitten, completely horny, and keeps finding ways to, oh, I guess I can’t have sex with you. Oh no.

Matt (00:25:46):

Yeah, he picks her up and carries her down this endless hotel hallway

Laci (00:25:50):

Past twins,

Matt (00:25:51):

And she whispers to him, I’m going to do things to you no woman has ever done before.

Laci (00:25:56):

Where did you learn these things?

Matt (00:25:57):

Well, aren’t we to assume that she has been married, that the character she’s presenting is I’ve been married before, that’s why I’m this age. And in this blue dress,

Laci (00:26:04):

In the blue dress. So maybe she’s like a widower or whatever, but the two are hard to square.

Matt (00:26:12):

But he’s like, oh my God. So he starts running and there is a very funny visual gag of just showing how long this hallway is, and he just keeps going and he’s gasping for air. Finally gets to the room and his key card isn’t working, so he just kicks it open

Laci (00:26:26):

To a suite.

Matt (00:26:27):

Yes,

Laci (00:26:28):

It’s a nice place.

Matt (00:26:29):

And she removes her outer dress and has on this inner sex costume or whatever this is, it’s

Laci (00:26:34):

Fucking, it’s just wow.

Matt (00:26:37):

She rips open his shirt and then looks down at his dick and it’s one of many comments in the movie about how big his dick is.

Laci (00:26:42):

That’s how much I love you, baby. You must love me a lot.

Matt (00:26:46):

Yeah, I fluffed it. I made it extra big.

Laci (00:26:49):

Right? Yeah. What does he mean? I was always confused by this line. She seems to be saying Your dick’s big, and he seems to be saying, look how hard I got it. Not the same thing.

Matt (00:26:58):

Wouldn’t have gotten it that hard in the past. So he gets on top of her on the bed, he can’t get her sex costume off, so he takes a knife from his pocket and starts slicing it off and it’s like one of the sexiest things ever

Laci (00:27:11):

For

Matt (00:27:12):

Both of them.

Laci (00:27:12):

Well, they’re showing you right away. Look, you think you’ve figured this out, but you guys are an equal match because she obviously switched the key cards so that he’d have to not be able to get into the room anything to prolong. But he figures out he kicks the door down, then she purposely wears an outfit that’s impossible to take off and he pulls out a fucking knife,

Matt (00:27:33):

But

Laci (00:27:34):

She just rolls with it.

Matt (00:27:35):

But why won’t she just have sex with him?

Laci (00:27:37):

Well, because then she just be having sex with all these people. She’s conning and she’s trying not to have feelings for any of them and

Matt (00:27:43):

Trying not to have feelings.

Laci (00:27:43):

Okay, wait and trying not. That’s not part of it. She’s conning them, not fucking them.

Matt (00:27:49):

Just have sex with Ray. Once. It’s Ray, he did the knife thing.

Laci (00:27:53):

I mean, I agree. But no, he’s got to be horned up for the next part of the con.

Matt (00:27:58):

That’s true. God, you’re right. Okay, so he goes down on her foot, she’s like, lick my

Laci (00:28:04):

Heel. Yeah, he’s got a foot thing in this,

Matt (00:28:06):

And as he starts, she starts snoring and he can’t wake her up. So he contemplates throwing the ice bucket on her, but decides not to, and instead dumps it down his pants,

Laci (00:28:14):

Which is so sweet.

Matt (00:28:15):

Well, I think this is

Laci (00:28:16):

Weird.

Matt (00:28:16):

Well, this is an old thing in tv, in movies is go take a cold shower if you’ve got the blue balls,

Laci (00:28:22):

But it also shows you in that moment, okay, whatever it is that he does in the next scene, he does care about her. He thinks of her as a person. He thinks she deserves to sleep. He’s not going to dump ice on her. In fact, he’s going to dump it on him. So it does a lot in the setup.

Matt (00:28:39):

That’s true. He does. I mean, just go jack off. Why do you need to dump ice on yourself?

Laci (00:28:46):

Falling on the sword. But it helps balance. You don’t want people to not like Ray. So when the next thing happens, you can kind of still feel like he really did have feelings.

Matt (00:28:58):

And I felt, I knew at some point that this is a movie about artists, but I had forgotten it. And so six minutes in the movie, I have no idea what this movie is. So the next, it’s the morning, he’s patiently waiting for her to wake up. He’s like, hello sweetheart. And she’s like, what happened? And he’s like, well, you fell asleep. And she’s like, oh my gosh, I’m such a bad wife. I’ll make it up to you now with sex

Speaker 3 (00:29:20):

Right

Laci (00:29:20):

Now. My morning breath.

Matt (00:29:22):

Oh my God, she’s got to go puke. And she’s like, we could still have sex. And he’s like, no, that’s okay.

Laci (00:29:28):

Take as long as you need two hours.

Matt (00:29:30):

So he’s going to go, I don’t know how to do a ray impression.

Laci (00:29:34):

It seems like the easiest one. Hey, hey, I’m doing it. Karen, why’d you do this to me? Karen, that’s really good you guys. He says, you guys in

Matt (00:29:46):

This movie, he doesn’t say you. He’s got to go to the office and take care of a few things before they lead for their honeymoon. So we follow him to his salvage shop. He’s repossessing cars and

Laci (00:29:57):

A chopped, he’s stealing cars and then selling the parts.

Matt (00:29:59):

Okay, so that’s what this is,

Laci (00:30:01):

Right?

Matt (00:30:03):

He goes in and all the guys he worked for him are like, Hey boss, you have sex with your wife or something? You did the back and forth like this. I bet Angel is a real animal in the sack, huh? Boss. And he’s like, Hey, that’s my wife. That’s a

Laci (00:30:17):

Sanctity of all of this.

Matt (00:30:19):

Goes up to his office and his assistant is Jennifer, love Hewitt, who keeps bending over to Sexily, present her butt to him.

Laci (00:30:26):

Her dress doesn’t even cover her butt when she’s standing. That’s the butt situation we’re dealing with.

Matt (00:30:31):

There was a person on set whose job was to go pull her dress down to keep her butt covered. Then she gets real close to him saying, I have some papers for you to sex. I mean, sign,

Laci (00:30:41):

Right? It’s all too much. I was like, are you guys really good at this? Because it feels like you’re buying this. Only that fucking guy from Devil’s Rejects who thinks that lady wants to have sex with him. Callback.

Matt (00:30:55):

Yeah. Mr. Banjo. So she drops some papers on the ground and he bends over to, she’s like, here’s my butt again. And he gets on the ground, I’ll help you with these papers. And then they start kissing. It seems at first she isn’t going to reciprocate, but then she jumps on him and then goes down on him and is like, your penis is huge. Also frost pitting. But then Sigourney Weaver shows up,

Laci (00:31:14):

But her hair’s caught in the zipper that Jennifer Love you at going down so fast. Jen got herself stuck,

Matt (00:31:19):

Right? She hides under the desk. This is the second movie in a row we’ve watched where a woman blowing a guy hides under a desk.

Laci (00:31:26):

That’s where you go.

Matt (00:31:27):

The firm was last week’s episode. And Sigourney weaver’s like, hello husband. I just came to say, I love you. Alright, bye. And then she steps out for a moment, Jennifer, love you. It comes back up. But her hair is stuck in Liotta zipper. Vince Sigourney Weaver comes back in, sees a compromising position from the two of them, and she’s like, we’ve only been married 17 hours. And he says, the 17 happiest hours of my life. But she throws the wedding ring at him, and that’s that. That’s, we’re in a divorce hearing now. I like the movies jumps forward in time. They’re always a little like, oh, thank God. So the parties are meeting with their lawyers. Carrie Fisher is making a cameo as Sigourney Weaver’s lawyer. I have a question for you, Laci. What is Sigourney Weaver’s character’s name? According to Wikipedia, it’s Max. What? I don’t think that’s ever said. She has lots of aliases. She has Olga and Angela

Laci (00:32:23):

Max Connor’s. She has her, I know her last name’s actually Connor’s, but I don’t know what her, they must say it at the fucking bank scene. I only know Paige. Paige gets, says a million times.

Matt (00:32:34):

Yeah, it does.

Laci (00:32:35):

But you call your mom, mom. So that’s the problem.

Matt (00:32:38):

So Sigourney Weaver wants $300,000 and she wants her Mercedes and Leotta accepts it because if he doesn’t, they’ll go to litigation and they’ll start looking at his company. We can’t have that

Laci (00:32:49):

Pretty smart Target Max.

Matt (00:32:51):

That’s that. But then we find out when Sigourney Weaver drives to a gas station, she’s met by Jennifer, love Hewitt, who removes a wig. She was wearing

Laci (00:33:01):

This. The stupidest part of their cons is that their hair’s always different. You look exactly the same. Otherwise your voice, your way you’re dressing

Matt (00:33:10):

Would not have noticed that her hair was different. Glad she took off the wig for this moment. So it could be like

Laci (00:33:16):

Oh, oh, a red version of your exact hairstyle.

Matt (00:33:21):

So Sigourney says, I can’t believe you wore the gray dress. I told you to wear the blue. And she’s like, it worked, didn’t it? You were lucky. I was good. They do this fun card, credit card swipe con. I love that. They will never turn down an opportunity to do even the smallest of comm.

Laci (00:33:38):

It’s just a lifestyle. If you’re paying for something with your money, you’re losing.

Matt (00:33:43):

Right? Exactly. Yeah. A guy comes up, he puts his credit card in the gas reader and SA Weaver’s like, Mr. Gentleman, will you come help me with my map? I can’t read it. And while he does, Jennifer Love Huit, takes the card out of his thing, puts it in her own pump, and then returns it. I’m like, that’s very smart.

Laci (00:33:59):

That’s smart. He’s not even really going to notice that on the Amex bill.

Matt (00:34:03):

Then she gets into the car with Sigourney Weaver, she’s going to light up a cigarette. Sigourney Weaver takes it from her, throws it out of the car, and Jennifer Love like mom. So this is where you find out they’re mother daughter. Oh my God, how was the wedding? Beautiful. All my weddings. Oh God. So they go to a nice dinner and Sigourney Weaver lectures, Jennifer Love Hewitt, who we now found out is named Paige about how much she’s eating and smoking. And Paige asks, so how much money do we make on this? And so Gorney says

Laci (00:34:32):

80 when she actually got 300,080

Matt (00:34:34):

Plus the car. So is that supposed to tell she’s holding out on her daughter?

Laci (00:34:37):

Yes. Yes. She’s lying to her all the time. Yeah.

Matt (00:34:39):

Okay. Why you have to pay off a lot of people. This is just your profit. But no, she’s just holding out on her daughter, but that never really comes back.

Laci (00:34:47):

No, but because the point is, this is in them. Yeah, that’s her mom. And yeah, I’m your kid, but if I need to con you, I’m going to fucking con you. There’s no other part of my personality. There’s no safe person from this. If I love you and we’re going to be in each other’s lives, I’ll probably con you less.

Matt (00:35:07):

Well, if I con you, it’s fat of love. I’m conning you for good reasons,

Laci (00:35:11):

Which

Matt (00:35:11):

She does,

Laci (00:35:11):

Maybe. Yeah, I don’t know. They don’t come back to the money part. And we have no reason to think that the account, she goes to the bank to MD is the only one. It’s the one that Paige knows the amount of that tells you there’s a second one, which that never comes up either. But I think it goes a long way in showing you, no, this isn’t every breath we take.

Matt (00:35:34):

And it’s by no means an equal partnership in general. If you, Paige wants to get out of it. She’s like, I want to go out on my own. And her mom’s like, no, you’re not ready if you try to con a man instead, you’ll just fall in love with him and then bam, he will pull a conceive and leave. Which is what happened to me. So Sigourney Weaver, when she was a young woman, was conning a man, but then fell in love with him and then he impregnated her and then left her forever. And so she’s like, I’m

Laci (00:36:00):

Determined. She was conned

Matt (00:36:02):

Never to let this happen to my daughter after she got pregnant. Thank god Barbara took her in and showed her how to pull off, showed her how to better pull off cons.

Laci (00:36:12):

No, she wasn’t conning. I don’t think she was conning that man. She didn’t start conning until after.

Matt (00:36:19):

It’s so don’t love ever. Not even if you’re not a con artist,

Laci (00:36:24):

Because if even a man would conceive and leave with me, no one’s got a shot. She thinks very highly over herself.

Matt (00:36:31):

But if you really think it’s time for you to go out on your own, fine, we’ll go to the bank tomorrow, we’ll divide up everything. Meanwhile, I’ll get the check and they show the thing where she smashes a plate under her chair and then dumps some glass shards in her food.

Laci (00:36:42):

And I’m always thinking one shard will do it. Who’s going to miss an entire spring? Just a pepper shaker full of fucking glass over Connor. Speaking of Connor’s, all right, now they’re at the bank because the mom’s going to make good. I get no sense of where they live though. Okay, you’ve got a bank that you go to in person in, but you probably don’t live in the same place for very long. But there’s no talk about, well, I guess they are trying to decide where they’re going to go next.

Matt (00:37:11):

It’s not the kind of common artist movie where they’re going to actually tell you how this works because you’re like, wait a minute, she got a divorce settlement, but she’s using a fake name. How does that work? And now this IRS agent,

Laci (00:37:21):

Well, she has a bunch of passports too. All that matters is that the money gets into the account, whatever one it is.

Matt (00:37:27):

Alright. But then the IRS agent comes in and she’s like, you’ve never paid us taxes on all your cons. It’s like, so the IRS has lumped all your fake identities together. Now we find out this isn’t actually the IRS, but

Laci (00:37:38):

Right, but she’s calling her by her actual name and all this, if this is her real name for this actual account, that means she’s been taking funds from her alias accounts and dumping these mass sums of money into account, which is stupid. You shouldn’t do that. You can’t do that. They get flagged by the bank. They don’t have an IRS agent come if that happens. But you do get reported. And so it’s not crazy that the IRS would get involved. It’s just crazy. It’s just like, oh, come on page. They’re not at the bank,

Matt (00:38:09):

Right? This person, this hire agent played by Anne Bancroft comes in and she’s like, I don’t care how you make your money, but let me, how should I put this? We want our cut. So you owe, owe $250,000 and that’s after all the money that we’ve confiscated from all your accounts. So

Laci (00:38:27):

They’re

Matt (00:38:28):

Left with nothing on hand. So got to,

Laci (00:38:30):

Paige is naive. This is also not how that would work. That’s not a thing. But I mean, the point is they just want it. Maybe part of it is to see how naive Paige is.

Matt (00:38:42):

Well then I guess I’m naive. I wasn’t suspecting anything when this happened. And I was like, oh, thank God if the IRS ever comes after me, they’ll be nice about it. And they’ll be like, you have 90 days.

Laci (00:38:50):

Yeah, right.

Matt (00:38:50):

Goodbye. You haven’t paid your income tax in 10 years. All you got to do is pay it now and we’ll be fine. Which is actually kind of how it works. But don’t do it.

Laci (00:39:01):

Okay. Don’t do it. Good advice.

Matt (00:39:02):

So they’re like, well, here’s what we have to do, mom. We have to do one last big job,

Laci (00:39:09):

But we’re doing it my way, which is more money than you want to do it for.

Matt (00:39:14):

Here’s my ideal. We get more money.

Laci (00:39:17):

Well, more money. And the guy’s hot. She wants someone that’s kind of cute. That’s her big grievance when they’re on the boat trolling for new prospects. I guess I just would have to think that the way they find a target is more involved than what they show. This one they need to do in a pinch, I guess. But did the internet not exist yet? Or at least the library or something? Or maybe a stack of newspapers. You guys are just in a boat.

Matt (00:39:47):

Yeah, page should. Yeah. Page should be like, mom, we don’t have to go out on a boat anymore. Look, I’ve got the worldwide web at my fingertips. And she’s like, I don’t trust that. I trust a thing called my gut.

Laci (00:39:57):

Well, but Paige wants to look for her own mark. And so now we’re using Paige’s gut on this boat, so we’ll get to the boat in a

Matt (00:40:03):

Second. She’s like, we need to go to Palm Beach. And Sigourney’s like, no, we can’t go to Palm Beach. Those people are too rich. They’ll be suspicious. There’s no play, but they go to Palm Beach anyway.

Laci (00:40:12):

But when you think about the target, they just had Ray, he is a criminal. And so it’s a very smart person to, if you can find a way in where they’re not suspicious and they make a good living and then, I don’t know. It’s smart what they did. Actually, I could see that working in real

Matt (00:40:29):

Life. You go after people who are upper middle class or Yeah, I have a couple hundred thousand dollars worth of assets, not I am a big tobacco. CEO

Laci (00:40:39):

Worth billions. Well, you don’t want to be scared of their attorney. They can’t be able to get themselves out of trouble if that’s what you’re going to use over them. And you don’t want to not be able to get your, there’d be a prenup. There’d be more fighting in the divorce scene,

Matt (00:40:55):

But they get to Palm Beach and Paige is like, ah, I’m home. And Sigourney’s like, no, no, no, this is too ritzy, too expensive. I’m trying to figure this out. Paige feels like she deserves, isn’t Palm Beach

Laci (00:41:09):

Full of the richest people in the world? Yes,

Matt (00:41:10):

But also old Republicans. That’s the point of it. But Paige is like, ah, yes, where I truly belong.

Laci (00:41:16):

But she just means the hotel. She means she deserves the best of the best that the mom keeps making them stay in these budget places and budgeting the money and making these small scores. And that’s just taking too long. Paige feels like she’s hot enough and skilled enough to just get one big score and then fucking lead a normal life.

Matt (00:41:34):

So they debate which con should we do to get a room here? Shoot, let’s go with the Flopper Drive. And just trips her daughter right there without warning her, and then squirts water on the floor. And he’s like,

Laci (00:41:46):

Oh no, my daughter’s paralyzed. They’re very good at, well, Paige is less good, but Sigourney’s very believable When something bad happens, oh my lord, there’s just something so, oh, something’s wrong. Wait, I just saw her do that.

Matt (00:42:00):

And Jeffrey Jones is the hotel manager and he runs out and he’s like, oh no, this never happens. We cut to them now having their own suite and a giant table full of desserts. But Jeffrey Jones is like, you can only have the suite for one night. And then when he says that page in the background starts screaming again, he’s like, well, we can work something out.

Laci (00:42:18):

Just like the way you’ve got to be steel on the inside to be okay with this. I can’t think of a lifestyle more against my sensibilities.

Matt (00:42:28):

No, you’d be bad. I would be You don’t like lying, period.

Laci (00:42:31):

Well, I’m saying,

Matt (00:42:32):

And I guess it doesn’t say good things about me that I’m like, Laci, just lie. What is wrong with you? Because

Laci (00:42:37):

You’ll get caught. We’ll all get caught. It’s worse.

Matt (00:42:40):

No, everybody’s lying all the time. Everybody’s trying to sch me and Kanye. I’m like, Laci, and I have a Sigourney and Jennifer relationship kind of.

Laci (00:42:47):

Wait, which one? Both

Matt (00:42:49):

Of those. I’m

Laci (00:42:49):

Ladies like to con

Matt (00:42:53):

No, you’re like, no, the world is pure and beautiful. Okay. No, you’re Ray Liotta at

Laci (00:42:56):

End of the movie, I’m Ray Reta,

Matt (00:42:57):

And I’m like, no, the world is going to fuck you with its giant dick.

Laci (00:43:01):

Oh wait, that’s Ray Liotta.

Matt (00:43:03):

So Ray Liotta, we check in on him, and now we’re not going to see him again for basically 90 minutes until we forget about him. And he’s told by his employees, like, boss, the title change came through on your ex-wife’s Mercedes. And then Liotta throws a framed photo of her across the room and the employee’s like, that’s the eighth frame we’ve gone through this week. Maybe we should stop.

Laci (00:43:23):

We should retire the pitcher.

Matt (00:43:24):

But he’s like, I can’t stop thinking about her. And the guy’s like, well, it’s the first time you’ve ever been dumped. And he’s like, you’re right. I don’t have to just sit here and take it. I’m going to go find her and take care of it. So we assume, oh, he is going to kill her.

Laci (00:43:37):

Oh, I never thought that,

Matt (00:43:38):

But it’s clearly framed like

Laci (00:43:39):

That. Yeah, you’re right. It is. It is. But he loves her. So I just thought he meant that he was going to rape her.

Matt (00:43:45):

But when he finds her later in the movie, he reaches into his pocket ominously. And you think he’s going to take out a gun?

Laci (00:43:52):

Oh,

Matt (00:43:54):

It’s hard for me. That’s what is meant to be suggested. And this movie is, it has the sort of a structure of some like it hot, the 1959 Billy Wilder film. I don’t know if you’ve seen this movie, I think. I

Laci (00:44:07):

Don’t think so.

Matt (00:44:08):

Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemon and Tony Curtis play. Musicians who witness a mob hit, so they have to go on the lamb and to do it, they disguise themselves as ladies in a female band.

Speaker 3 (00:44:19):

And

Matt (00:44:19):

They go down to Miami where they kind of run cons on rich men. And it becomes, it has this kind of tone. It’s more of a broad comedy than this is. But then you kind of forget about the mobsters. And then they basically return to the movie at the exact same moment, Ray Liotta returns to this movie.

Laci (00:44:38):

Got you. And he’s a mobster.

Matt (00:44:40):

So they rent a boat, they’re driving around, they’re on their boat looking at mansions, looking at yachts. They pass by this super yacht and there’s like a man on it who has five different women, and they’re like, he’s going to fuck all five.

Laci (00:44:54):

And I know it’s just to set up the joke, but why is Paige okay with a menage trois? One of the people is your mom.

Matt (00:45:00):

He’s like, you’d be okay with that menage trois. Try menage a sank.

Laci (00:45:06):

Ew. How’s, okay? If eight is gross, then how is three any different? And it doesn’t make any sense. Eight seems like a load off my mind. You can’t even tell if you’ve had sex with me. I’m just in the mix,

Matt (00:45:20):

Right?

Laci (00:45:21):

I’m just back here. I’ll throw a leg around. I don’t even have to fuck you.

Matt (00:45:24):

No, I was doing, I was there. I was. No, we fucked. You were in me. You fucked me, mom.

Laci (00:45:29):

Oh God, don’t make me part of that. I was pertaining to fuck a man.

Matt (00:45:34):

We get our, I’m not related to look at Gene Hackman as tenancy. Here’s Gene Hackman’s take on the character. He’s constantly

Laci (00:45:41):

Coughing, got a red nose.

Matt (00:45:43):

I said yesterday, I feel like Gene Hackman is poorly used. And I know it’s not even a top 100 performance of his, but he has some really great lines and some classic Hackman moments. But they’re like, look at him. He’s the CEO of

Laci (00:45:57):

Tobacco.

Matt (00:45:57):

Cigarette tobacco Incorporated. He’s worth $3 billion going up by millions every day. And Sagourney weaver’s like, Ooh, perfect. And her daughter’s like, Ugh. If you’re into necrophilia, why can’t they target somebody? Cute. And this is where Sigourney lays out a philosophy. You can’t go after somebody cute because you start developing feelings for someone if he’s cute, and then everything gets confused.

Laci (00:46:19):

It’s like, but Brave Yoda was cute. He’s known to be a fox. What are you talking about?

Matt (00:46:25):

She’s so seasoned, she can resist it. So Paige wants to target this doctor instead. There’s this rich doctor, fancy boy, but he’s too obsessed with his mother. And they’re like, well, let’s do both. Well, no, you can’t do simultaneous cons.

Laci (00:46:39):

Now I’m with her on that.

Matt (00:46:41):

Paige is like, well, you won’t let me be the primary. You won’t let me take the lead on a con. And you should trust me. I can make men do anything. You can make boys do anything

Laci (00:46:53):

But wait. But if we were to believe they keep running the same con, which makes sense. You want it flipped, Paige, if you can make guys do anything and your role is to make sure they cheat, shouldn’t you stay right the fuck where you are? Right. It’s working. Yes. Because as soon as your mom tries to do the flip, she doesn’t fucking pull it off.

Matt (00:47:12):

Exactly.

Laci (00:47:12):

Idiots, why do I know how to do everyone’s job better than they do?

Matt (00:47:15):

A one shot seduction is child’s play compared to getting somebody to marry you in three months,

Laci (00:47:20):

Four months,

Matt (00:47:21):

Four months.

Laci (00:47:22):

This time it took you four.

Matt (00:47:24):

You’re losing it. And she’s like, I’m not losing it. I am wonderful. I’m in great shape. Feel my and is like, I’m not feeling your butt again, mother. We all know it’s wonderful.

Laci (00:47:34):

Okay, these voices,

Matt (00:47:35):

So they’re trying to simultaneous. So they’re like, okay, fine. We’ll run an experiment. See that guy over there? He is played by comedian Kevin Neland,

Laci (00:47:44):

Who? Oh yeah, I see him.

Matt (00:47:45):

Whoever he buys a drink for first picks the con and Sigourney weaver wins by just coughing. And he’s like, can I buy you a drink?

Laci (00:47:52):

Right. Because Paige relies too heavily on the sex kitten thing. It gets boring. It is obvious. How long can it last? And once they fuck you, what’s the appeal after that where Sigourney goes in and she just is practical? She mixes it with both. Oh, you need a drink.

Matt (00:48:10):

Right? It’s the Jordan Belfort thing from Wolf of Wall Street. Sell me this pen, sell me this pen. How do I do that? And people keep trying. And then what does the guy do? He just takes the pen away and he’s like, you need to sign your name. Right? But I don’t have a pin. There you go. There is an art auction that Jean Hackman valets into. And the scheme begins where Paige goes up to a valet attendant, she does some sexy shenanigans and then ends up with Jean Hackman’s car keys

Laci (00:48:41):

Where she cuts the break line or some kind of line fizzles out the car phone. So you can’t be using that. And yeah, you lift a trunk and then you snip some stuff. And I’m going to believe that car can fly. I don’t fucking carry it. You did a thing to the thing. I got

Matt (00:48:55):

It. Sigourney weaver’s going in there disguised as a Russian socialite. I

Laci (00:49:01):

Hate the wig she picks for this role.

Matt (00:49:03):

She sits down next to Gene Hackman. Let’s see, the auction is being run by Ricky J. He’s the auctioneer. And he shows a Roman statue called Form and Repose. This statue has a giant penis. Keep that in mind. It keeps coming back.

Laci (00:49:17):

Oh, does it?

Matt (00:49:18):

And Sigourney swipes. Gene Hackman. Gene Hackman plays

Laci (00:49:23):

Tenancy. Tenancy, tenancy’s pamphlet. That’s got, I guess if you go to auctions, you can assume someone circled some things, maybe written the exact number. They’re willing to pay for it. I’m sure that’s how it works. But that’s how she finds out what to bet on and how much,

Matt (00:49:40):

And he’s not going to go higher than 200,000. So they get into a little bidding war and she makes the highest offer. And he’s about to one up her, but then he goes into a coughing fit. And Ricky J’s sold to the lady over there and she’s like, duh. Oh no.

Laci (00:49:53):

Oh no.

Matt (00:49:56):

So two dudes are carrying the statue away, and Sigourney weaver’s like, oh shit, I can’t pay for this

Laci (00:50:02):

Statue. I’m to strike it for cracks. And so she’s just rubbing the shit out of this man. Men are dumb. I guess I need to try this. But just rubbing the ass and then up the thighs and now to the penis, and then just talking close. Just always have good breath. Just it is good. No, it feel hard. No, I don’t know what she’s even saying, but he’s just like gaga.

Matt (00:50:26):

And the guy who’s walking backwards,

Laci (00:50:28):

That’s the guy that’s

Matt (00:50:29):

Gogo eyes at Sigourney Weaver. And then she basically steers him into the

Laci (00:50:32):

Wall. She keeps eyes, right. So that he is not paying attention. And the dick snaps off. Oh no is Kishka.

Matt (00:50:39):

Well, Ricky J comes in and he is like, this is okay. We can have this restored. No problem. And she’s like, no, he is no good. No good with that. So Paige, she’s already going off script. She is stalking the doctor, doing simultaneous cons, even though her mom told her, that’s not what you

Laci (00:50:57):

Do. And while you’re supposed to be making sure you’re laying out the, that your mom’s doing, and I don’t like this time management page,

Matt (00:51:03):

This is having two Valentine’s dates on the same time.

Laci (00:51:05):

But you don’t have to fucking Mrs. Doubtfire this dinner. You could just wait a different day.

Matt (00:51:14):

So she finds out that this doctor is going to a bar and grill a very boring looking bar and grill, but it’s like, oh, it’s the hop and the S plates, and it’s

Laci (00:51:23):

The most majestic. It’s tropical. Whatcha talking? It’s a sprawling tree tree house. It looks like a tree crab shack. It’s authentic and it’s surrounded by beautiful fucking Everglades shit, and it’s chill and it’s got

Matt (00:51:38):

Nice. Yeah, too far away. She arrives at this place, the Glades and Jason Lee is there, and he’s talking to Sarah Silverman and Zach Gki, and you’re like, Jesus Christ.

Laci (00:51:48):

And the least Sarah Silverman and Zach Galifianakis performances ever.

Matt (00:51:53):

Yeah. Zach Gki was in movies for a long time before anybody knew what his deal was. And here he’s just like, I’m the best friend who’s a little concerned for my friend Jason Lee.

(00:52:02):

Now, Jason Lee comes up to, so Paige sits down, Jason Lee, who we will come to learn is named. Jack approaches her and he’s like, may I offer you a drink? And she’s like, why? Because I am a smart and sophisticated lady. Why do you even care if you want to give me a drink? I’m hot, you pig. And he’s like, no, it’s because I’m the bartender. And she’s like, oh, martini very dry because she’s a grownup. The doctor arrives and seems very unimpressed with Paige. She goes and puts her boobs in his face. He’s like, no, thank

Laci (00:52:37):

You. Those look like mothers.

Matt (00:52:39):

She looks on the wall and sees a chart that shows the Heimlich maneuver, and she gets an idea. He’s a doctor. I will pretend to choke and he will save me. So she starts affiliating some olives on a stick, trying to make eyes with him. She thinks he is making eyes with him, but he’s just making eyes with his mother, who is just her eye. So she is going to fake choking. But then she ends up actually choking and the doctor just stares at her. And then Jason Lee comes in and Heim licks her and she spits the olive out and it ends up in the doctor’s eye. And he screams in agony as his mother soothes him. Oh, it

Speaker 3 (00:53:08):

Hurts.

Laci (00:53:08):

Oh, mother, mother go, it stings

(00:53:11):

Mother. Oh honey, I told you, you can’t come to these rough bars or whatever. It’s a bar and grill and it’s adorable. Alright, time for, I don’t know, she leaves in a huff. She’s nothing but extra crazy mean to. She really has a very low opinion of men in general. And I think I understand why Paige has been raised understanding that a conceive and leave is always possible if you actually fall in love. All men are con artists. They’re all pieces of shit. And she’s been told to use her body since God knows how young she was. Men are so easy. I mean, how could you fucking respect them? They’re disgusting dogs. If most of them treat you this one way, I guess you’re going to be annoyed by the 70th thousand person to try to pick you up in a bar, but you’re doing too much Paige. Anyway, she’s got to bring out the spike strip in this random part of the Glades so that Jean Hackman’s character rolls over them and gets a flat tire just in time for her mom to do come and save him.

Matt (00:54:19):

But she throws them out onto the road. But it’s not Gene Hackman, it’s Jason Lee.

Laci (00:54:24):

He was coming to give her her purse.

Matt (00:54:25):

He’s like, why are you following me? You sicko. And he’s like, but I have your purse.

Laci (00:54:30):

I can just come back for it. Right? You don’t have to get in your car. Follow me to my next location. Get out and passive aggressively give me a purse.

Matt (00:54:38):

Well, she yells at him and she’s like, well, look at your fucking car. Let’s fix it. Fuck.

Laci (00:54:42):

Oh, he runs over the tire thing.

Matt (00:54:44):

Yeah, go get the flat. I don’t think they have good chemistry. And I don’t think, I don’t know Jason Lee. I don’t know what his choice about this character is. He kind of plays him stoned or detached. He’s like,

Laci (00:54:55):

Oh, that’s it. That’s Jason Lee.

Matt (00:54:56):

Yeah, I know. But he’s being given these screwball comedy lines to deliver.

Laci (00:55:02):

And

Matt (00:55:02):

He’s like, look, I’m willing to explore the whole being dominated thing, but let’s just take it slow. I just

Laci (00:55:07):

Don’t think it works for me.

Matt (00:55:08):

No, he can’t deliver these lines. This performance actually made me realize, so this is Ryan Reynolds is value is he could handle really wordy screwball lines.

Laci (00:55:22):

Yeah. Oh, for sure.

Matt (00:55:24):

Jean Hackman is coming now. So she pushes Jason Lee into the woods, forgets to remove, wait, no, she

Laci (00:55:30):

Can’t. It breaks. She tries to remove the spike strip, but the little thingy comes off,

Matt (00:55:34):

Starts making out with Jason Lee to keep him from going to look at Gene Hackman. Gene Hackman drives over the bikes crashes, his airbag deploys, but he’s still a little nonplus and he just lights up another cigarette.

Laci (00:55:44):

It breaks his cigarette. He’s pissed at the deploy.

Matt (00:55:48):

His car phone won’t work. And he is like, ah, what the hell? Now the spikes are still in the road. So Sigourney Weaver runs over them and then crashes into Gene Hackman.

Laci (00:55:56):

Jason’s like, wow, they’re really piling up down there. Don’t worry. Paige has another smooch for him that’ll get him.

Matt (00:56:02):

So Sigourney goes up to Gene Hackman and she’s like, you’ll have head Angel Lee, I take you to the hospital. He’s like, no, I’m fine. The police will be here soon. So she just knocks him on the head with some sort of implement and she’s like, see the lead head pan? And she gets him into her destroyed car and drives him to the hospital.

Laci (00:56:20):

But you’re tired. It’s no problem. And he goes, oh, okay. It’s,

Matt (00:56:23):

It’s good. It’s

Laci (00:56:24):

Good. Oh,

Matt (00:56:25):

Before Sigourney Weaver is going to go to the hospital to see Jean Hackman, it’s the next day she puts on her wig and makes her face up. And Jennifer left you, it’s like, mom, be nice to me and I’ll tell you which eye you made bigger than the other with her makeup. Sigourney Weaver says, I’m always nice, which is something she says repeatedly through the movie. Also a thing Laci will say to me when I say you’re mean, she’s like, here, I’ll go get you my eyeliner. But fuck, I realize I have left it with Jason Lee again.

Laci (00:56:51):

Oh no. I need my purse heat cap it.

Matt (00:56:52):

She goes to the glades and I like that she just kicks the door open for no reason. She’s like, give me my purse or I’ll stick my heel up your ass. And he has the most Ryan Reynolds esque delivery of Who told you I’m into that. Now I know that Jason Lee predates Ryan Reynolds. I’m just saying, and Ryan Reynolds is always with the ass play in his movies.

Laci (00:57:13):

Oh, that is true.

Matt (00:57:13):

So now Jennifer, if he gets her purse back and Sarah Silverman comes up and she’s like, here’s the deal with him. His dad left him this bar. It’s worth a lot of money. Developers are after it. They offered him $3 million.

Laci (00:57:24):

Okay, bye.

Matt (00:57:25):

And she’s like $3 million. Sorry. So Sigourney goes to the hospital to visit Gene Hackman. She’s like, I come to see my poor Ba bka, my name Olga, and he’s instantly smitten. Is there ever a moment where they’re like, we did the intel on him and realized he’s a sucker for Russian women? Right.

Laci (00:57:42):

I mean, there’s not that moment, but that’s what I figure it means whenever all of a sudden that’s what’s happening.

Matt (00:57:48):

Right?

Laci (00:57:48):

It’s a long movie. So got to

Matt (00:57:50):

To do something.

Laci (00:57:51):

No, no, no. So maybe they cut out scenes that explain this and they’re just like, I mean, surely they did Intel to figure out that he would like the name Angela for Ray. Maybe it’s the name of his sister or something, and he likes curly hair on blah. I don’t know. I guess you just kind of assume they’re taking on roles that match the men.

Matt (00:58:11):

Yes. Gene Hackman’s character had a Russian nanny named Olga when he was a boy.

Laci (00:58:15):

Yes.

Matt (00:58:16):

So later she’s going to visit him at his home and she’s greeted by Miss Madres or Madre played by Nora Dunn. She’s like, I run this household and I’m onto you lady. And then she slams the door shut and Courtney Weaver says out loud, we have a bitch alert.

Laci (00:58:33):

Bitch alert.

Matt (00:58:35):

Don’t you think this movie needs better jokes?

Laci (00:58:36):

Yes, yes. There are moments where Yes,

Matt (00:58:39):

They go, Jean Hackman takes her on a date to a Russian restaurant.

Laci (00:58:44):

Duh duh. And yes, this is always a problem when part of your con is that you speak a language. You don’t. No, you don’t. You know how easy it is to figure this shit out

Matt (00:58:54):

Because a waiter comes up and he’s like, oh, Vlad, this lady here speaks Russian to her’s

Laci (00:58:59):

Country woman and she hates meat. And so he reads to her the menu items and she pick steak tartar, but she didn’t know she picked it until after she picked it. The

Matt (00:59:10):

Joke is all she knows how to say is die.

Laci (00:59:14):

And then he figures it out because he starts saying a lot of things to her in Russian later. And so you know what works? Conning greasing the wheels. Bri? Yeah. Bri s of

Matt (00:59:23):

Money.

Laci (00:59:25):

I appreciate what you say and also what you don’t say. He’s like, yeah, fuck it. All right. Okay. But you would think he’s paid off enough to also get her out of a jam when all of a sudden she’s spotlighted to sing up Russian song.

Matt (00:59:38):

Right.

Laci (00:59:39):

Where are you now?

Matt (00:59:40):

Flat. Yeah. So the way this works is, well, first I do love Jean Hackman saying, I love a woman who eats raw meat. I love to watch a woman eat. It is surely one of the most sensual acts. And then she’s like, I want to leave this place. I want to go somewhere. Well, I relate to you orally, and the cigarette falls out of his mouth. So she stands up as the band on stage is like, and who come up to sing song?

Laci (01:00:06):

Oh, I guess it’s you woman, and this is always in a movie. This is definitely something that needs to go on our list as something that’s more exaggerated. A movie that any restaurant or fricking bar can force you to get on stage. That just the sheer Inc excitement of the crowd can just whirl you up there.

Matt (01:00:25):

You stood up at that time, get up here, bitch.

Laci (01:00:28):

Right? I was like, no, I’m leaving. I got to go con this fucking guy. I mean, her of all, people aren’t going to roll over because people were like, no, you got to do it now.

Matt (01:00:37):

But they presented like You are Russian. Every Russian knows come up ska. And she tries to pick. She’s like, but she’s just saying love Moscow,

Laci (01:00:48):

John ly and No, no, not that Lennon. She’s just saying Russian words,

Matt (01:00:52):

But no one’s buying it. So she whispers to the band, play something else, and they play a traditional version of back in the USSR by the Beatles, and everyone gets really into it. Flew into my Miami Beach. I don’t know, what do you think of this?

Laci (01:01:08):

I think if anybody that doesn’t really want to get on the stage ends up on stage and then kind of makes a fool of themselves, but then all of a sudden has a song and it goes kind of, well, I think I’m into it and I’m just glad that she’s going to get off the stage. It’s just public embarrass, like, okay, that was not a train wreck. Okay, alright.

Matt (01:01:25):

As a sequence in the movie. Are you laughing? Are you like, great, this is wonderful?

Laci (01:01:30):

No,

Matt (01:01:30):

Because I think the movie thinks this is the funniest shit. The Beatles, but Russian what? And David Merkin’s a Beatles fanatic because there’s a John Lennon song later in the movie.

Laci (01:01:41):

Yes, there is.

Matt (01:01:43):

And I just know that from Simpson’s commentary.

Laci (01:01:45):

Meanwhile, Paige is going to take the night to stalk Jack to see where he goes. He goes to the fucking Florida swamp and to Stargaze, and she’s in the craziest fucking dress spandex, black dominatrix shit. I don’t think she’s ever used two more than two feet of clothing on any part of her anyway. But she gets her heels stuck in Florida goop and falls down in the mud and he finds her and he’s like, are you stalking me? But she cleverly spins it around and be like, why are you following me? I’m a marine biologist.

Matt (01:02:24):

I love that. I love

Laci (01:02:26):

The reverse stalk.

Matt (01:02:28):

Yeah, reverse accusation. If ever you’re accused of stalking, just be like, why are you following me wherever I go, you are there.

Laci (01:02:35):

And actually she’s very believable and I don’t know, but he seems to know she’s full of shit all the time. And it’s part of what he likes about her and okay, I don’t know. We’re your family people and this is very attracted to all these lies. Or could it be her giant rack and perfect face and remainder of body. So he helps her out of the mud and they go adorable stargaze. And she doesn’t, this is what I do care.

Matt (01:03:04):

I have a telescope. I look at the stars. Ew, you look at perverted stars fucking on boats.

Laci (01:03:11):

They deserve,

Matt (01:03:11):

No, the stars in the store, they

Laci (01:03:13):

Deserve privacy too. Who you got?

Matt (01:03:16):

Look, there’s the Corona Nebula and she’s like, oh, it’s pretty good. I guess

Laci (01:03:21):

It’s fucking gorgeous. I didn’t expect to see that. And then he’s got some kind of cluster and she says it’s a good cluster. And then now she’s putting the con back on. She’s like, wait, I’m not done. I just need a few more minutes with this cluster. It’s so clustered.

Matt (01:03:34):

But I guess it’s not communicated very well in the performance that she’s a little moved by this or like, huh, this guy’s a little different from the kind of men I’ve seen.

Laci (01:03:44):

Well, because expecting him to go to some trashy club and just hang out with a drink and look at people on the dance floor. You know what I mean? Deep. She is different and he is different. If these are real people, I mean, I could see either of them being like, huh, there’s something going on with you.

Matt (01:03:58):

Our son recently got into looking at the night sky and yeah, there’s been a couple nights where I’ve just gone out and looked up to and I’m like, huh, look at that. It’s pretty cool. It’s the dumbest observation, just like the stars are really neat if you think about it.

Laci (01:04:12):

It’s something to rediscover over and over again. We forget and they go, yay.

Matt (01:04:17):

That’s crazy. They’re just stars. And they’re there and they’re like, they’re just

Laci (01:04:20):

Like

Matt (01:04:20):

Us. A Babi miles away or something, A babi.

Laci (01:04:23):

That’s more than I

Matt (01:04:25):

Expected.

Laci (01:04:25):

You just

Matt (01:04:26):

So they’re like laying down on a blanket, whispering sweet. Nothings to each other. I love when the star shoots in the sky. Oh yeah, I like that too. And then she’s like, oh God, I got to go. Well, why? I got to go write an environmental impact report. And he says, will it mention me? What’s your name? My name is Jane.

Laci (01:04:46):

Oh, does she say that Then? Okay.

Matt (01:04:48):

Yes.

Laci (01:04:49):

Will I ever see you again? Wish on a start.

Matt (01:04:52):

And so he goes,

Laci (01:04:53):

That’s a fucking boss ass move though.

Matt (01:04:55):

Oh sure. So he goes and looks in his telescope and now sees the yacht with the guy, fucking five women. He’s like five women.

Laci (01:05:02):

It’s a good callback.

Matt (01:05:03):

Paige doesn’t tell her mother about Jason Lee because now she’s running a simultaneous con, which is against her mother’s rule and dating a cute guy. Don’t do that.

Laci (01:05:13):

Don’t do it. They’re apparently at this hotel for a month.

Matt (01:05:16):

Yeah.

Laci (01:05:17):

God, that’s a long time to come.

Matt (01:05:18):

So later she’s going on a walk with Jack and he has a gift for her. It’s a ring and it’s got a meteor fragment in it, like the ones way or Chen. He’s like, just think about it. This meteor’s been from the back of space and back. It’s like, oh, you’re not like, you don’t do anything like normal people do you? And they start kissing again, but notably, her eyes are open. You can track her feelings by whether her eyes are open or closed when she

Laci (01:05:43):

Kisses them, looks really natural. Hopefully they kiss a lot in front of people so that they’re all alerted. This is what fucking Max or fucking Mrs. Connors is saying that in all cons, every time she’s found the moment that she should be kissing her con, she’s just wide-eyed at them, even in front of his family. Alright.

Matt (01:06:03):

No, but yeah, she’s probably not followed, not ever followed any of her own rules. She’s just like, you’re my daughter and I know what to do and I’m telling you the rules. Now follow ’em close, open your eyes

Laci (01:06:15):

And when you sneeze, you open your eyes.

Matt (01:06:17):

Now this movie has a bone to pick with cigarettes, which is kind of an early two thousands, late nineties sort of thing. Now I guess this was seen as a little like, yeah, give it to those tobacco companies. And now cigarettes seems so marginal. Who gives a shit? But Gene Hackman,

Laci (01:06:37):

This was a very important movie to get people to stop smoking. Matt.

Matt (01:06:40):

It was

Laci (01:06:41):

No.

Matt (01:06:41):

Oh, gene Hackman is, he’s just always talking about smoking is one of the fun things about being a kid. We just did some tests on some nine year olds and after a little puking, you couldn’t drag him away from the stuff. And then later he presents her with a bespoke cigarette lighter. He is like, it’s a gift. And she’s like the personal file device.

Laci (01:07:01):

Right? Is this really how fucking people from Russian speak?

Matt (01:07:04):

Yeah, they don’t know about lighters.

Laci (01:07:06):

Right?

Matt (01:07:07):

I know Russian people don’t smoke. That’s one thing I know about them.

Laci (01:07:10):

Oh,

Matt (01:07:10):

They certainly, no, of course they smoke.

Laci (01:07:12):

Oh, okay. Don’t confuse me.

Matt (01:07:14):

And he’s like, now listen, I’m not insisting you take up smoking, but I thought this would give you some incentive.

Laci (01:07:19):

I didn’t have anything to light them with before.

Matt (01:07:22):

There is nothing sexier than smoke billowing proudly out of a woman’s hot red engorged nostrils. Oh, that image will h me. And so he’s like, I think I deserve a big fat kiss for that gift. And she’s like, oh yes,

Laci (01:07:39):

The Lord is Jesus is everywhere.

Matt (01:07:41):

No, get thing of around that. And then she kisses him and he wants to go further, but she’s like, no God. He’s like, yeah, he’s a nosy bastard. Alright, I’ll go get my maid to get your purse. And so he leaves the room and Sigourney starts spitting and disgust and she’s seen by the Maid by Miss Mad Dress.

Laci (01:07:58):

Is he really that disgusting to you?

Matt (01:08:00):

She’s like, no. Is Russian sign of happiness a pep? My happy a captain and the whistles and she’s missed my address is like I’m onto you. I’ve been with him for seven years. I’ve seen him with many women and I’ve never been worried but you, you’re good baby. What it you want? And she’s like, I is want your ex-com ass out of here. Basically. She’s like, I’ve been with him a long time and he is so close to Croaking and I am getting my cut Once he dies, I’m not going to let you take it away from me. And she’s like,

Laci (01:08:32):

Is that how it works? If you don’t have family, it goes to your fucking house person.

Matt (01:08:36):

Come on man. I just recorded a podcast with Patrick about the Twilight Zone last night and he asked the exact same question about what happens if you die without,

Laci (01:08:44):

Right. It goes to the government. I mean, unless he physically wrote her into the will, it’s not going to go to her.

Matt (01:08:51):

So there actually is, now, I don’t know about Florida probate law, but they call it in intestate, if you die without specifying who gets your estate, they will basically track down your closest relatives, like the movie baby boom and offer it to them. And I think there’s a pecking order and then maybe it will be friends and at a certain point they will run out of people and just give it to the government.

Laci (01:09:17):

Well, the lived in help part is what I’m saying. If she was physically written into the will because of what a loyal servant she’s been, then don’t worry about it. You’re in

Matt (01:09:25):

The will. No, no, no. The new wife comes along is like, we got the change. The will. What happens? How do you

Laci (01:09:31):

Think it takes? I think

Matt (01:09:32):

Gail Benson owe owns the Saints right now. Allegedly.

Laci (01:09:35):

Yeah. Alright.

Matt (01:09:37):

So she’s like, oh, you have figured me out. Leave me one more night to bow out gracefully. So Green Weaver helps Paige,

Laci (01:09:50):

I took up smoking to impress you.

Matt (01:09:51):

I’d love to see a woman

Laci (01:09:52):

Cough. That’s right. You don’t cough, you don’t get off.

Matt (01:09:55):

That’s what they say. That’s what that means. Sigourney Weaver helps Paige sneak onto the compound. Now she’s pulling her into the con. Basically they’re going to, she’s

Laci (01:10:03):

Been in the con, but yeah,

Matt (01:10:04):

Directly onto the premises. And you got to take my bespoke lighter, my personal fire device and put it into the maid’s outfit. So there’s a funny little gag where she’s a gag where she’s talking to Gene Hackman and he is like all his secondhand smoke nonsense. It’s bullshit. There’s not a shred of evidence. And he’s like blowing smoke onto his parrot and then he steps away and the just drops dead. That is a Simpson’s joke right there of a man. This movie has an ax to grind with cigarettes. Give him a break. Oh god,

Laci (01:10:32):

Man, you stopped smoking them.

Matt (01:10:36):

I haven’t smoked a cigarette in two years. I guess.

Laci (01:10:38):

Two years. Yeah. But you’re going to again, because you’re disgusting.

Matt (01:10:41):

God willing. And by the way, when I say two years, I mean I smoked

Laci (01:10:46):

That you smoked

Matt (01:10:47):

Three cigarette two years ago and that was the first time in years

Laci (01:10:50):

Because when we go out and we never go out, we smoke. It’s just something we

Matt (01:10:55):

Do. It’s this fun little don’t know rebellious act. That means la do like listen, smoke C.

Laci (01:11:00):

But we have one date night every year and a half. So we think we’re doing okay.

Matt (01:11:04):

Yeah. So the smell of cigarettes, I’m like, oh fuck yeah,

Laci (01:11:06):

It just smells like

Matt (01:11:06):

Sex horny. Yeah. I’m like, I’m at the casino, I’m drinking what could be better?

Speaker 3 (01:11:11):

Okay,

Matt (01:11:13):

So give cigarettes a break is what I’m saying. Sigourney Weaver says to Jean Hackman, my lighter is missing. Last time I saw it, your dirty maid had it, had my purse. So they go into the housekeeper’s room. What is her position? She’s a governess. She’s a housekeeper. She’s a, alright. She runs the house.

Laci (01:11:29):

She’s a nun. Okay.

Matt (01:11:30):

They go into her room, they find the lighter, and Ms. Madres is like, no, she set me up and Hackman looks over at Sigourney, he is like set her up

Laci (01:11:39):

Like, oh, you don’t believe me. I’m going to cry myself so hard. I’m going to lay on this bed. And then jingle, jingle. Oh my God, there’s jewels in the pillowcase because if I’m going to lay down at night, I want to lay on everything I’ve stolen. And she dumps out all the jewels and then

Matt (01:11:54):

My late wife’s jewelry

Laci (01:11:56):

And then Olga’s. So taken aback, she stumbles around and then hits the shiffer robe and cigarettes just pour out. Now you think he’d be proud of her smoking that much, but instead he’s like, I think I’m going to be sick.

Matt (01:12:12):

Yeah, it it’s very funny. It’s guy, he’s way more upset that she stole his cigarettes than sick. Now I did think, I did realize that they have done all of this. They’ve put the jewelry in, her pillow in and the cigarettes, but it’d be funnier

Laci (01:12:27):

If some of it were that she

Matt (01:12:29):

Actually had taken the jewelry,

Laci (01:12:31):

Right?

Matt (01:12:32):

So she looks at Gene Hackman, she’s like, look in my eyes, sir, you must believe in my total in complete innocence. And he kind of gives her a nod,

Laci (01:12:38):

Zoom in, zoom out, and

Matt (01:12:39):

Then there’s

Laci (01:12:40):

Arrested in the same position.

Matt (01:12:42):

Yeah, take it away. Another Simpson style, like visual gag.

Laci (01:12:45):

Man, this really is a Simpsons movie.

Matt (01:12:49):

It’s more the Simpsons movie than the Simpsons movie itself. If you think about it, fucking

Laci (01:12:53):

Wish.

Matt (01:12:53):

And Gene Hackman gives some cash to the cop, and he’s like, if it’s at all possible, could you rougher up a bit?

Laci (01:12:59):

Slap her out a little.

Matt (01:13:01):

The cop’s like, of course.

Laci (01:13:02):

I mean, I’m going to take this money

Matt (01:13:04):

Now. I think this is Jennifer Love who’s only seen with Gene Hackman in the movie

Laci (01:13:09):

With him alive. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Okay. So now the tension is that Paige promised Jack that she’s going to go to a baseball game with him and his friends got to go to the baseball game, but she’s going to be late because now her mom needs to do this con moment. And she’s like, look, I’m only going to be five minutes late. And he’s like, okay, but it’s taking longer than she expected, and she’s trying to get the job as the new maid, and it’s just going on and on. So she’s like, fuck it, I’ll go straight to rubbing his dick.

Matt (01:13:39):

So she’s interviewing for the new Es position and she’s like, oh, I worked at the British Embassy in Turkey,

Laci (01:13:45):

And you’re both doing fucking accents. It’s just like, come on.

Matt (01:13:49):

I worked there for four years right up until they shot him. And there’s a very funny Gene Hackman reaction. He’s like, oh, they shot him. She’s like, but I kept cleaning right up until they burned the embassy down. She says that very proudly, very funny. He’s like, well, I’ll just fill out this form and I can verify your employment. She’s like, oh, of course. And then knocks a drink onto his pants. It’s like, oh dear dairy. And she starts caressing thighs and he’s like,

Laci (01:14:12):

She’s just Pat patting it dry.

Matt (01:14:14):

You’re

Laci (01:14:14):

Hired. She’s just patting the outline of his dick.

Matt (01:14:19):

And then he’s like, huh, it’s still wet. So the joke there that he cummed himself,

Laci (01:14:24):

No, that she needs to keep going. Oh,

Matt (01:14:27):

Okay. Sigourney escorts her daughter out. And she’s like, all right, well that worked. So what are you going to do with the rest of your day? And she’s like, oh, nothing, nothing. Just kind of take a meeting,

Laci (01:14:35):

Going to take a walk.

Matt (01:14:37):

But her mother is suspicious and so

Laci (01:14:42):

Follows her.

Matt (01:14:43):

Follows her.

Laci (01:14:43):

A lot of followers.

Matt (01:14:44):

First page goes to the bar where Jack’s friends have left without him. And she’s like, oh no, I missed Jack, but no, Jack is there. I’ve been waiting for you. My friends have this. My friends have this theory

Laci (01:14:54):

And I love you. It’s so sweet.

Matt (01:14:58):

Oh my God. Yes. They start kissing, but this time her eyes are closed toney, the sun is spying on them with binoculars. Later the hotel Sigourney confronts her. Well, she’s like, where have you been? Oh, nowhere lies you liar. So it’s supposed to be a normal mother-daughter thing, but instead you were about with that boy who you’re supposed to be conning. I like Sigourney weaver’s. Like when she confronts her, she’s like, ah, you’ve been lying to me. That’s why you’ve been so nice to me lately. And she’s like, I have not been nice to you yet. JLH is, I can’t believe it. JLH,

Laci (01:15:34):

That’s a thing.

Matt (01:15:35):

People say JLH. It’s a lot of name Jennifer Love Hewitt explains the con. But Gourney Weaver is like, no, you’re in over your head. You’re not ready to con a guy without falling in love with him. I saw you. Your eyes were closed. That was the sun. I am a pro mother and I’ll prove it. So she goes back to Jason Lee kisses him, and then she’s like, there nothing. And he’s like, what? And she’s like, but the best for you. And then she kisses him some more and then she pulls off her shirt and she’s about to go all the way with him and then pulls herself away. And she’s like, no, I got to go. I’m no good for you. Trust me, I’m a bad person. And he’s like, no, you’re good. I know it. You’re such a good person. You don’t even believe in sleeping together before ish. And she’s like, I haven’t been honest with you. And he says, I know you’re not an environmental scientist, and I don’t care. But she still leaves anyway. Alright, now Anne Bancroft returns. And we’re like, Hey, the IRS agent, no, she’s not an IRS

Laci (01:16:34):

Agent. Holy shit, this woman will call anybody. She con her own

Matt (01:16:37):

Kid. She Bernie Avers mentor who has never met Sigourney Weaver’s daughter,

Laci (01:16:42):

Barbara. Right? Did they not grow up at her house, thought they took her in?

Matt (01:16:46):

No. She says, I haven’t seen her since she was four. No, three. Just, hey, that line’s in there for the cinema sins. Doctors out there being like, wait a minute.

Speaker 3 (01:16:54):

Oh

Matt (01:16:56):

Yeah. So this whole IRS thing didn’t exist. They were just conning Paige to,

Laci (01:17:02):

They have their money

Matt (01:17:02):

Protect her. But Anne Bancroft’s like, aren’t you cradling her a little too much? Sheltering her a little too much? No, no, no. When she’s ready, I’ll be the first one to tell her. But get this, I just caught her kissing. So I’m a loser. Some dirt bag with her eyes closed. Oh my, oh my. That’s I’ll take care of lunch. And then has glass shards in her purse that she just don’t

Laci (01:17:20):

Take this when I look Nice little vile. And so Arnie’s like I am always learning from you. Classy.

Matt (01:17:25):

Well, what, you already knew this.

Laci (01:17:27):

No, Matt, she doesn’t have to find a glass that she can find at the restaurant. Break it with her heel risk. People hearing it break. I

Matt (01:17:34):

Could have told her that.

Laci (01:17:36):

Well, she’s always learning from you too.

Matt (01:17:39):

So she goes back to the hotel, sees how unhappy Paige is. Wait, did I say? Yeah. I mean, I guess Paige, that was a breakup. And then told her mom, fine. That con’s off. I broke up with him. So later Sigourney sees how unhappy this has made Paige, and she feels a little bad about it. Jack keeps calling Paige and Paige keeps hanging up. And then we see him at the bar and Zach Alki is like, dude, she’s no good for you. There’s something weird about her. And he’s like, yeah, but that’s what I liked. And Sarah Silverman said, yeah, I did too.

Laci (01:18:11):

Which

Matt (01:18:12):

Ralph

Laci (01:18:12):

Jean shows up to the hotel. So I guess he was told where she lives. Anyway, she’s startled because I think Paige is still around someplace too. And what the fuck? You’re going to see all my clothes? And he just rushes in and

Matt (01:18:31):

He has the penis statue. He got it repaired

Laci (01:18:33):

For her. Oh, that’s what it is. He’s like, look at this gift.

Matt (01:18:35):

And he’s like, we’re not going out tonight. We’re staying in. I ordered champagne and oysters from room service and she starts crying and he’s like, it’s okay. I didn’t charge it to your room. And she’s like, no, I can no longer see you. And hands him a letter saying she’s being deported. And he’s like, oh, this sucks.

Laci (01:18:50):

I was going to ask you to marry me.

Matt (01:18:52):

I was going to ask you to marry me anyway. Not bad.

Laci (01:18:55):

Now that he’s going to be

Matt (01:18:56):

Deported, well, maybe you marry me and that fix my problem. And he’s like, oh great. I’ll go will you? And he has a horrible coughing fit. And she’s like, will you go ahead, get it out my, she’s like, oh yes, yes. I ve Later he gets into his underwear and he’s like, we time, we will join our love with the union of our aching body. Oh,

Laci (01:19:18):

My neon green sucks.

Matt (01:19:20):

And she’s like, no, my religion. And he’s like, no, no, no. In God’s eyes, we’re already married. Everything else is just paperwork.

Laci (01:19:28):

He’s a good businessman.

Matt (01:19:29):

Just relax and enjoy it. But then he starts going into a coughing fit falls, hits his head on the penis of the statue. It falls off again.

Laci (01:19:37):

Breaks in his mouth or so yeah, it goes in his mouth,

Matt (01:19:39):

Collapses onto the ground. He is probably dead. And Sigourney Weaver tries to rec reside the stadium. William, are you at the end? And she’s like, oh, I give you the CPR. And then she just slips back into her normal accident. She’s like, God, damnit. No.

Laci (01:19:53):

Well, and she does one compression in and it’s just funny gag that she then exhales smoke because she tried to give him C.

Matt (01:20:00):

Oh, that is good. That is good. We check in with Paige. She accidentally answers a phone call from Jack. She’s driven out to the stargazing location because she’s sad. This is a thing, people when they’re sad in movies is they go to a romantic

Laci (01:20:17):

Spot. They go to a place to just look at it.

Matt (01:20:20):

Have you ever done this

Laci (01:20:20):

Lacing like a serial killer who kills in one spot? Do you want to go back and just look at it?

Matt (01:20:23):

It’s kind of return to the scene. You ever returned to a scene? No. No. Me neither. She accidentally answers a call from Jack because her mom called and she’s like, it worked. He proposed marriage. Woo. She’s like, yeah, mom. Woo. And then hangs up and then gets another call and she’s like, mother, I already told you. Woo, but it’s Jack. He’s like, why won’t she talk to me babe? And she’s like,

Laci (01:20:45):

She’s outside the restaurant, isn’t she not outside the stargazing place?

Matt (01:20:51):

I think it’s the stargazing

Laci (01:20:51):

Place. I don’t think so.

Matt (01:20:52):

Whatever.

Laci (01:20:53):

There’s a column behind him.

Matt (01:20:54):

Well, then he says, he’s like, oh yeah, then why are you here? And he’s right next to her car, more cereal

Laci (01:21:00):

At his restaurant.

Matt (01:21:01):

Okay,

Laci (01:21:02):

That’s why he’s there.

Matt (01:21:03):

She’s like, listen, I told you I loved you, and that freaked you out. And she’s like, there is no love. It’s just a trick of the brain, A combination of hormones and chemicals.

Laci (01:21:13):

Well then I hormone chemical you.

Matt (01:21:15):

Exactly. They kiss some more and then she’s like, oh, I got to go. And she speeds away, goes to rejoin her mom at the hotel where they have to get rid of a corpse. So they cover it in a blanket and it has a giant boner, but room service arrives with the oysters and the champagne, and they have to get Gene Hackman’s corpse out of the way. And then they accidentally drop him over the side of the balcony and he falls down 10 stories. It’s a very funny visual gag.

(01:21:43):

So they go down to the lobby, they have to go figure out what to do with the corpse. As they’re going down the elevator, they’re going weaver’s like, God, you’re just the worst. You’re always fucking up my daughter. You’re always doing shit like that. It’s time you grew up. And then they go into the lobby and Ray OTA is there, Hey. And he’s like, Angela, I got something for you. Reaches into his pocket. He’s going to withdraw a gun, but it’s a ring. And he drops down onto his knee and proposes, and he starts shouting, I love you. I love you, I love you. And I like that some of the people in the background are clapping and others are very confused and worried. And please, what’ll it take? I’ll do anything baby. And she’s like, anything,

Laci (01:22:22):

How about I tie you up in my bed for some fucking reason?

Matt (01:22:25):

How about, okay, go get a room, go away. Go get a room here. We’ll have dinner. We’ll have breakfast tomorrow and talk about

Laci (01:22:32):

It. Right? Anything,

Matt (01:22:34):

Leave anything? Okay. So we cut to her tying him up in the bed and he’s like, oh my God, this is the best

Laci (01:22:42):

Except for no blindfolds. That shit’s too kinky.

Matt (01:22:45):

But she

Laci (01:22:47):

Talks him into it

Matt (01:22:48):

And puts a blindfold over him and she’s like, I just have to leave to get some who cream ripped scream. And he’s like, please be fast. Oh my God. So she leaves. We stay with Ray tta and he’s like, oh, can’t wait for this. Wait for that whipped cream. And then the housekeeper comes in and he is like, no, no, no. And the housekeeper instead of running out is like, oh my God,

Laci (01:23:08):

Not again.

Matt (01:23:10):

I have been turning down this room for a month with no tip. And she’s like, fine, I’ll fucking tip you go get my wallet. And she goes to get his wallet, but she’s like, which wallet is yours? And he’s like,

Laci (01:23:20):

What? Women can’t have wallets.

Matt (01:23:23):

So this is his clue. Oh my God. There’s another man’s wallet here on timing. She’s like, that’ll be another 20

Laci (01:23:30):

Smart lady.

Matt (01:23:32):

So they returned Jean Hackman’s corpse to his home, but Sigourney’s like, where’s the penis? And her daughter’s like, oh, it’s in the car. I’ll go get it. And Ray Liotta arrives here at the Compound. Now, one of Ray Liotta early breakthrough roles was this movie, something Wild with Melanie Griffith and Jeff Daniels, and he’s like this wild card element who enters in the last 30 minutes of the movie as her ex-husband. And it is kind of echoing this because he’s very scary stalker here in that movie here. He’s like scary stalker, who’s actually sweet and funny. He arrives, he’s sneaking in. And at this point, I think for the remainder of the movie’s, really, really fun. I feel like it’s really cooking with some energy here,

Laci (01:24:16):

Which is almost never the case. It’s dips or something. This kind of, I guess the middle is where it usually dips and then it gains energy. But I feel like we’re usually saying by the third act, it’s the bad movies lose steam.

Matt (01:24:31):

Yeah. I just think he has such a great, he just adds such a great, he’s the missing

Laci (01:24:34):

Piece. And he has chemistry with both of them,

Matt (01:24:37):

Especially with Sigourney. And so he goes into the room where Gene Hackman’s corpse is laying on top of Sigourney. She’s too heavy for her to get off.

Laci (01:24:45):

She’s making lots of groaning and moaning and it’s no,

Matt (01:24:48):

Oh, you’re enormous. And he’s like, oh, you are one six slut.

Laci (01:24:52):

You fucking slut.

Matt (01:24:54):

And she’s like, I am not a six slut. And then Jennifer O. Hewitt comes in, she’s like, one penis is coming up mother. Oh. And he’s like, mother, oh my God. And he has a classic Ray Liotta freak out. And so Sigourney’s like, oh, I’ll try Dean, I still love you. Just give me another chance. And he is like, no, fuck. You cheated on me. You

Laci (01:25:14):

Cheated on me. No, you conned me.

Matt (01:25:16):

No, you conned me. You cheated on me. And he’s like, but you senator, to cheat on me. He acts like he’s going to shoot them, but Ian’s like, you’re not going to shoot us. And she correctly identifies this, takes the gun away. And he’s like, fine, I’m not going to shoot you, but I’ll turn you into the cops. They’re like, how about we let you in on it? How about we get you your money back?

Laci (01:25:33):

Right. That’s when Paige decides to con Jack

Matt (01:25:38):

Because Not yet. Not yet. Are you

Laci (01:25:39):

Sure she doesn’t come save the day right here?

Matt (01:25:41):

No. She’s like,

Laci (01:25:43):

How are they going to get money from this?

Matt (01:25:45):

Warren Baning it? Yeah. Does that sound good to you? And he’s like, I’m not walking away, am I? So okay, you just have to help us. You have to make it look like he died here alone and peaceful. Do you know how to do that? He’s like, I’m from Jersey. I so in the car, Sigourney and Jennifer are in the car by themselves, and she’s like, where are we going to get the money? And she’s like, well, I lied to you. Our money’s not gone. We have it in the bank. So Paige freaks out at her mom. It’s the next morning, they’re at the bank, they’re going to withdraw the money to give it to Liotta. But the bank’s like, yeah, there’s nothing left in your account. Your account’s been closed. And they’re like, fuck, Anne Bancroft played me.

Laci (01:26:26):

It’s interesting that we’re all deciding to believe her here, though. She could have just blocked out and been like, it’s still there, but oh no. I guess Barbara took it, right? It’s just funny when they decide to believe each other and when they don’t.

Matt (01:26:37):

But it’s also an issue that you spent the majority of this movie thinking, well, the stakes are they don’t have any money. That’s why they’re doing it. Then we kind of find out, no, that’s a lie. We have money and then we go back again. No, we don’t have

Laci (01:26:46):

Money. Yes. I mean, it’s just Sigourney Weaver trying to buy time and make Paige not leave her. She’s just stalling and it works.

Matt (01:26:54):

So Ray Leotta is like, I’m going to fucking leave. And Sigourney Weaver starts crying. She’s like, I’m a terrible mother. And her daughter hugs her and she’s like, mom, finally you’re seeing things clearly. She’s like, but no, I’ll take care of this. She goes up to Ray and she’s like, you want to marry me? You want money? The guy who wants to marry me is worth 1.5 million

Laci (01:27:13):

In a divorce. In

Matt (01:27:14):

A divorce.

Laci (01:27:15):

She would get half, he’s worth three,

Matt (01:27:17):

Right? Great.

Laci (01:27:20):

Alright. So she halfheartedly goes to back to Jack, and I don’t remember, I guess he’s just so excited to see her. And

Matt (01:27:32):

What

Laci (01:27:33):

He proposes to her, he proposes, right? And

Matt (01:27:34):

Then he announces to the bar, and Jack Aus is like, well, now that you’re getting married, you’re not going to sell the bar are you? And he’s like, oh no, no way. Plus the developer passed. They found another property. Jennifer, if Heit hears this, and she’s like, oh fuck Jason Lee, I got to tell you something. He’s like, oh, already you’re changing your mind. But then Ray Liotta, Andor Weaver burst into the bar and they’re like,

Laci (01:27:53):

Oh, it’s our favorite cousin. It is interesting that they don’t do mom and dad, but alright, they’re all related and oh, that’s our Jane

Matt (01:28:05):

Having second thoughts. No, you kiss and make up and just smushes their faces together. He Liotta is playing this with so much joy. He loves being a con artist. It’s so great.

Laci (01:28:19):

It is like being called to the priesthood,

Matt (01:28:21):

Right?

Laci (01:28:21):

Yes.

Matt (01:28:22):

So they all go on this sailboat trip together and Sigourney weaver’s trying like, why don’t you rub lotion on my titties? Jason Lee, where’s

Laci (01:28:30):

The lotion boy?

Matt (01:28:32):

And Ray Liotta is like, look at all the fish in the water. Holy fucking fish, pop, pop, pop, pop. He says, gun start shooting at the water.

Laci (01:28:39):

The goal is to kill ’em. Not to eat ’em. Just them, right? They’re dead.

Matt (01:28:44):

Sigourney takes her daughter to get a wedding dress. She sees her daughter in a wedding dress, has a very sincere reaction to a sort of normal loving mother reaction. Oh, my beautiful daughter’s all getting married and shit. And her daughter’s like, oh, you don’t have to be sarcastic mom. And she’s like, no, I’m not being sarcastic. It’s sort of the matte affliction of, you can’t say sincere things. They sound insincere, but then it’s the wedding. Oh, well, there’s a funny moment where the person working at the wedding store is like, oh, your mother likes the dress. And they both are like, she’s not my

Laci (01:29:14):

Mother. She’s not my mother.

Matt (01:29:15):

I’m not her mother. Then it’s the wedding. It’s the day of this very hasty wedding. Ms. Jane, do you want to say I do? And she’s like, I do. What’s that? I do. I do. Now she is miserable at the reception that her new mother-in-law comes up to her and she’s like, Hey Jane, are you avoiding me? And she’s like, oh no, not at all. I got to go. And she, she’s left alone.

Laci (01:29:36):

She’s all about to in. She really has feelings for this guy and her mom’s about to do the thing where she makes the guy, she really likes cheat on her. What a fucking horrible impression to have of all men. How do you let yourself fall in love? She’s been against her own will falling in love this whole time. And this is when she finally finds out. Yep. You’re just like every fucking other person ever. I can never trust my God

Matt (01:30:00):

Again. It’s interesting that she needs the condu succeed. It was her idea, but she’s like, I sure hope it doesn’t succeed. So she leaves the mother-in-law alone with Liotta and she’s like, so what did you say you do? And he’s like, IM a college professor. She’s like, oh, what do you teach? And he’s like, college stuff. What do you a fucking cop? It’s the funniest line in the whole movie because he’s just being nice and asks him a follow up question. You a fucking cop. Jason Lee takes his new bride to the bridal suite, which has a star display on the ceiling, just like their thingy. John Lennon’s song. Oh my Yoko David Mergen is a Beatles fanatic, but I assume it is cheaper to get Beatles solo songs than Beatles songs for the problem. And she’s like, listen, I love you very much. You would never do anything to fuck up my life, would you? He’s like, oh no. No way. No. Is he

Laci (01:30:57):

From Canada?

Matt (01:30:57):

Yeah. Sincerely. No, he’s not. Sincerely. Doesn’t want him to cheat on her, but it’s confusing.

Laci (01:31:04):

Oh, set in motion. Let’s just see. Well, I think she also just wants to see Willie do it. I think this guy’s different. Are my instincts fucking bad? My mom thinks or are they right? And so she’s got a lie on the line. I mean, how’s she ever going to fall or trust herself about another person later if she’s totally wrong about him here?

Matt (01:31:21):

So Jason Lee goes out to the beach and he’s like looking at, oh, I’m a married man and there’s stars and shit, and Sigourney Weaver’s

Laci (01:31:30):

Like, we’re all connected.

Matt (01:31:30):

What are you doing out here big boy?

Laci (01:31:32):

Hey heads, does anyone want to dance?

Matt (01:31:36):

And he’s like, my wife is passed out from drink. And she’s like, well, I have a wedding gift for you in my suite.

Laci (01:31:43):

That’s okay. Horny lady. No, it’s bad luck to say no to a wedding gift. I didn’t know that Everything with weddings is bad luck. Let’s go have sex.

Matt (01:31:54):

Tries to seduce him with champagne and strawberries. It goes on a long time. It

Laci (01:31:58):

Really goes a long,

Matt (01:31:59):

Very cringey. It is not working. No. Meanwhile, Paige is waiting.

Laci (01:32:03):

Oh, you have some creme right here

Matt (01:32:05):

And gets antsy and decides to go see what’s going on. She goes in and sees Jack in bed with Sigourney and he’s like, what’s happening? And she’s, Paige is like, no, now we don’t smash cut. We fade cut to a divorce hearing David Merkin is playing Jack’s lawyer. And Jack is like, just give her whatever she wants. And David Merkin’s like, remember what I told you specifically not to say, but then Paige leaves the room, Jack follows her, and he is like, I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how I ended up in bed with your cousin or whatever.

Laci (01:32:39):

It’s weird.

Matt (01:32:40):

And she says, no’s only one man in the world.

Laci (01:32:44):

I like that line.

Matt (01:32:46):

Next we see Paige cashing out with one and a half million dollars in cash. Ray Liotta and s Gordon Weaver are outside the bank. They’re anxious, they’re waiting for the money, but they start having this conversation where Sigourney Weaver is like, you like doing this with us? You think so low of me, but you’re just like us. And he’s

Laci (01:33:06):

Like, well no. This is when they talk about how I actually did love you. No, you didn’t love me. You cheated on me. It’s like, but guys are guys. Not all guys. And then that’s when she reveals that she nicked them.

Matt (01:33:23):

Well, yeah, you cheated on me. No, you set me up to cheat. But just because even if I did it doesn’t mean that I didn’t love you and kind of let slip that I still love you. But even a saint like Jason Lee, she’s like, no, I nicked him. You what you horrible

Laci (01:33:43):

Person.

Matt (01:33:43):

He says, I thought this whole revenge thing was going to be fun, but you ruined it. I don’t even want the money anymore. So Weaver is like, neither do I. And he’s like, fine, good. I don’t want it either. And she’s like, fine, I’ll take it. He’s like, what? But she’s like, I have to protect my daughter. From what? From love, from pain. Love is pain. Life is pain. You can’t protect somebody from it. It’s always going to get you. But sometimes life can be good. But basically says cheating your daughter is the most disgusting thing you’ve ever done. I think so much worse of you for that than what you did to me. So next, Sigourney’s in the car with her daughter, Sigourney tells her daughter, listen, I drug Jason Lee. Sorry. Sorry about that. I’m just so afraid of losing you and I’m afraid of you getting hurt. I was hurt, but I just keep hurting you in different sick ways, so you might as well get hurt in your own healthy normal ways.

Laci (01:34:38):

You can’t blame me for right

Matt (01:34:39):

Ways you come up with on your own.

Laci (01:34:40):

Yes.

Matt (01:34:41):

And you can’t blame me for now. That is a great line and very good insight.

Laci (01:34:45):

Yes.

Matt (01:34:45):

Into parenting.

Laci (01:34:46):

Yes. That is exactly what happens to humans.

Matt (01:34:48):

Jennifer, love Hewitt goes in for a hug and Ian’s like, oh,

Laci (01:34:51):

She’s going to attack me. Oh, oh fuck. Oh, oh, it’s a hug. I can pull over for a hug. I always think that that’s very

Matt (01:34:56):

Cute. Next Sigourney goes to visit Ray and he’s like, yeah, I still want you. And she’s like, great, but if you ever see a woman, a gorgeous woman who wants to fuck you, just remember she might be working for me.

Laci (01:35:07):

That’s

Matt (01:35:07):

Hard. And he’s like, that’s fine, but if you’re going to be my wife, you’re going to have to lead a respectable life. Chopping cars. Chopping

Laci (01:35:12):

Cars.

Matt (01:35:12):

Now they finally have sexual

Laci (01:35:15):

Intercourse. Yay. I’m happy for them.

Matt (01:35:17):

Jason Lee is being dragged back to his bar by Zach Gki and he’s like, why should I go back to my bar? I have already sold it to the bank and moved all my stuff out.

Laci (01:35:24):

That is sad.

Matt (01:35:25):

And he’s like, no,

Laci (01:35:26):

You left one thing.

Matt (01:35:26):

The bank said you left something.

Laci (01:35:27):

The whole place is crowded. Where are the cars? It’s in the fucking everglade. You can’t just hide all those cars. Everyone’s in there.

Matt (01:35:34):

Right? They all came by airboat. So they opened the bar and it’s like, surprise bar,

Laci (01:35:39):

I don’t get it. I don’t own this.

Matt (01:35:41):

What do these people here think? They’re like this crazy lady divorced him, then took her money and bought the bar back with one and a half million dollars even though it costs three. Anyway, good point. Anyway, she hands him the deed to the bar and he’s like, I’m confused. And she’s like, my name is Paige.

Laci (01:36:02):

My hair is different.

Matt (01:36:03):

Yes. The hair is now not straight.

Laci (01:36:05):

So

Matt (01:36:05):

This is

Laci (01:36:05):

Her real thing on page. Yeah, I look like this.

Matt (01:36:08):

So that’s that. The last scene of the movie is Ray to having lunch in the Swedish or the Swiss Alps or somewhere having

Laci (01:36:14):

Saying how he’s madly

Matt (01:36:16):

Loves lunch with the end cro. She’s like, oh, Stanley

Laci (01:36:18):

Stanley. He doesn’t look like a Stanley. So he’s been turned out because Sigourney weaver’s looking at him through binoculars, laughing her ass off as he cons Barbara, it’s comes full circle. Kuna Matata.

Matt (01:36:30):

That’s the end of the movie.

Laci (01:36:31):

We did it. We’ve done the movie. I’m so fucking hungry.

Matt (01:36:51):

So that’s Heartbreakers a fun time. I think a pretty flawed movie. And as much as I like David Merkin as a writer and as a showrunner for The Simpsons, and I like Romeo and Michelle, I don’t think this is a particularly well directed movie just because a lot of the jokes just don’t land. And I will put that on his feet for not getting your actors for one, just kind of not shooting it and cutting it in a way where they land. And I think Jennifer Love Hewitt is good here, but doesn’t necessarily have a grasp on how to deliver the screwball lines. Jason Lee also, not perfectly likable, but Sigourney Weavers,

Laci (01:37:25):

Neither here nor there,

Matt (01:37:26):

Right? Sigourney Weaver’s so great. Ray Liotta is so great. They overcome.

Laci (01:37:30):

Yeah,

Matt (01:37:30):

Great. I give it to three stars. It’s a fun movie. It’s way too long.

Laci (01:37:34):

It is way too long. I give it 3.5 just because of nostalgia and because I will continue to watch this movie if someone asks me to. It has rewatch ability for me. I just find it fun and bright and cheerful and it’s a good time

Matt (01:37:51):

There. Its length might help. You’re like, yeah, just if it’s on t and t if you,

Laci (01:37:55):

Nobody

Matt (01:37:56):

Does anymore.

Laci (01:37:56):

It’s really how I absorb movies as a younger person, it was just like, how long can you entertain me?

Matt (01:38:02):

My apologies. It would be TBS, not TT.

Laci (01:38:04):

Oh, thank you.

Matt (01:38:04):

TB is comedy.

Laci (01:38:06):

TT

Matt (01:38:06):

Is Drama

Laci (01:38:06):

Is taken.

Matt (01:38:08):

What’s coming up next week? Well, next week April begins and we’re keeping this Hackman train going with Superman. 1978 sounds

Laci (01:38:16):

Fucking boring.

Matt (01:38:16):

Let’s do it. I don’t know what Laci’s going to think about this

Laci (01:38:19):

Movie, but I’m already over it.

Matt (01:38:21):

So incredible is Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. This is the great movie. This is one of the great superhero movies. But the things I like about it are things Laci’s going to say, who cares?

Laci (01:38:32):

We’ll see, because we’ve already

Matt (01:38:34):

Proven you don’t move. All

Laci (01:38:36):

Right, fuck you.

Matt (01:38:37):

We have our Royal Tenin BALs episode coming out before the end of March. We promise

Laci (01:38:41):

We totally will have that for you.

Matt (01:38:44):

Tell a friend about our show, give us a review on Apple Podcasts. Please do. As long as it’s

Laci (01:38:48):

Good, just go do that. Just go do it.

Matt (01:38:50):

I’m on Letterboxd @ MattStokes9. Laci’s on Letterboxd @ LoadBearingLaci. My band Rural Route Nine nine does the music for the show. And you can catch our music on Spotify, Apple

Music, or wherever you’ll get your music. The Joy of Averages is our album. You can hear songs including the one you are listening to right now.

Laci (01:39:04):

Okay, I love you, goodbyeeeeee.